Blogs-by-Boris

Moveams - pronounced moo-veems

2009-11-16T21:51:00.006-06:00

Is this a movie or is this a dream? A movie definitely would not have a tiny Twin Engine Cessna plane maneuvering between falling buildings after taking off of a runway that fell apart as it took off would it? I think that that would be saved for a dream, yet this was in a movie I paid good hard earned money to see over the weekend. It had at least 15 other similar scenarios in which the main character, John Cusack, out runs, drives and flys, the end of the earth as we know it. Not once did they arrive anywhere, where all of a sudden, the the earth tried to swallow them up and not once did they fail to escape with just a split second to spare. I can not even formulate dreams with this kind of action. I had a dream last night in which I was playing basket ball with legends of the game but instead of a basketball, I remember we were playing with a giant Saltine Cracker like it was completely normal. But to me this dream was just as realistic as 2012 was on a whole. That is why I believe that 2012 cannot be considered just a movie. I believe it needs another term. And since I contacted no one else but myself for this blog, I have decided that the term would be a Moveam. pronounced moo-veeem. I hope I do not have to explain this but incase I do, I just took Movie and Dream and sandwiched them together like a taco creation at Taco Bell. And just like most of Taco bells tacos it might be a bad idea but also intriguing enough to give it a try.

I should say that I do love movies and have probably spent a total of 2/5th of my life lost in the wonders of a movie. For me, what makes a great film is if the picture can make me suspend belief that these people are getting paid millions of dollars to act, and make me feel as if I am watching real life. Even your over hyped/over budgeted/overacted big action movies, if done right, can make me feel as if it is really happening. I like to put myself in the movie while it is playing and if I am comfortable then I can rally enjoy the movie. I love to get lost in movies. Basically run free on the sets(which in my mind are real) and absorb the feelings and actions that are being portrayed. But when a movie takes it too far into unrealistic, I feel I am basically left wishing I had not spent the price of a glorious Chinese Buffet on a movie.

2012 left me feeling this was. I can get lost in a multitude of different movies even bad ones if they do not go over board on dreamlike. Take for example the Matrix. They made me feel all of that was possible. 2012 made me slightly believe that the earth will completely cave in on itself and buildings will hurl into each other. But I could not concentrate on that decent part of the film due to the fact that 4 people out of 9 billion people were able to escape this horrendous death. OK, once or twice to make for some drama could be acceptable, but not 37 times. (I did lose track after 3 so I could be off a bit)

Well I am not sure I made it clear, so I will just spit it out. If I had a rating system for my feelings about a movie this one would only get one and a half out of the possible five. The one and a half comes because my favorite character in the film, the earth, did a fantastic job at it's one job, which was to destroy itself. It was amazing to see some of those screens on the big screen, so if you do decide to go view this dream of a movie, see it on the big screen. Just don't fall asleep, you never know what might happen in your dreams while at a moveam.

Until next time.

One more thing. I have to give a plug out for Bing.com I really like that search engine and I like how they have a new picture every day, so that has inspired me to end each blog with a picture.

Did he lose a contact?

Blogs are like ....

2009-11-15T21:33:00.005-06:00

Blogs are like a football team. ----- Much like a powerhouse football team there will be some off seasons. A lot like the last few years, where my blog has been in multiple off seasons.

Blogs are like a famous actor. ------ Much like a A-list actor they will have some flops and have to reinvent themselves to become relevant again. Much like my blog, although it was a D-list blog, needs a good reinventing to become unrelevant again.

Blogs are like a flashlight. ----- Much like a flashlight that has run out of battery life, and needs new batteries for it to function. My blog as well needs new topics and thoughts to ramble about so it can function properly.

Blogs are like a pint of beer. ----- Much like a beer is much better when there are multiple beers around to be shared makes it much more fun. My blog too needs more then just an occasional one time post. Multiply posts will lead to more good times.

Blogs are like a camera in Vegas. ----- Much like a camera in Vegas helps preserve the memories of a 4 day, 7 total hours or sleep trip to Vegas. A blog tends to help preserve the silly ramblings that my multiple personalities converse about regularly.

So with this in mind. I should have thousands of things to blog about since i have had roughly 3 posts in a two and a half year span. I thought about writing a novel blog that would catch you up with every thought I have had over the past 2 years but I have decided it is best to just start new and change the batteries, fill up the pint, grab the camera and start a new season of my blog.

So in the tradition of horrendous spelling and run on sentences, I will make it my goal to be on here as often as possible letting each of the none of you to sit in the stands and read me on. I know it is lofty thinking but I am hoping that by the end of December that I will have had at least 13 people read one post, shattering my old record of 6, and will have blogged at lest 15 updates.

So what will my new season entail, I am sure you have yet to even think to ask yourself. I will tell you. I will be giving movie, television and book critiques. And as you will have just noticed in that last sentence I will be using words that i will undoubtedly had to consult a dictionary to spell and understand. The batteries I have envisioned for this new blogger role I hope work like the batteries in the commercials on TV that run the astronauts stuff in space, cause I do not want this to be a one pint episode/party/blog. Just for purposes of comparison, I want this to be a massive party. Stories flying everywhere, gossip hanging out with imagination, truth spilling a pint of thoughts on lies, exaggeration trying to sneak out the door with tall tale. A late night, zero sleep, I-need-to-be-at-work-in-a-few-hours party of words that basically keep to from doing something your suppose to for 5 minutes. Now where's that camera?

Until next time.

The Ballad of Boris and his Blog

2008-09-24T07:24:00.003-05:00

What is better then a three day weekend? Yes! I week off work. What is better then a whole week off work? Yes! Three weeks and a day off of work. That is what I experienced a few months back. I traveled to Europe. Great time, but what is better then three weeks and a day off of work? No, not a girlfriend, don't rub it in! It is actually having one year, two months and twelve days off of work. My blog had this privilege. Which in turn gave you few people that have ever read this one year two months and twelve days off of sympathy reads. But we are both back and recharged. Well, when I say recharged I mean that we have had a sit down and have hammered out a new contract. And when I say contract I mean we have decided to reunite for one time to see if we still don't have it. We split ways a year two months and twelve days ago after having an argument that I will save you the drama by paraphrasing it as creative differences. I had huge plans for her, she thought I was inapt as a manager. Well, we could find no middle ground and decided it was time to split ways.
Months passed and not a thought was thought about each other. I could care less my blog was on her own. She said some hurtful things and I was not about to just grovel back to her. Unable to write I had to filter ideas out through other means. I daydreamed for a solid 6 months. I had it down to a science. OK, honestly I had it down pretty good before this time, but now I had to be in the top .02 percentile. I got to the point where I did not even miss my blog. I started going a little crazy though. (no jokes please) I would find myself writing a few words down on a napkin at lunch, jotting a few words down on sticky notes at work, just scribble really but I was writing stuff down. I kept this up for months. I could not control it. Non of it was legible, non of it made since. Non of it was what i was used to writing. I could not combine two sentences. This shot me down a slipper slope for the following months.
A year had passed since I had seen my blog. I found myself thinking about her. Missing her. I had resorted to sratching choppy sentences with rough topics in bathroom stalls. How could I write without her. I had lost my will to even daydream, for I could not find a way to express them. I needed to find her. I needed to find my blog. I spent the next two months searching, reading, skimming. I found many blogs that reminded me of her, but still could not find my blog.
Twelve more days passed before I finally found my blog. (ok, so I finally remembered my password) I was happy to see her. She seemed indifferent. But i took that the fact that she did not walk away and did not have any new material next to her as a good thing. Our first conversation went something like this...
Boris: hay"
Blog: "Hey, dummy. How have you been?"
Boris: i hav ben ok i guss how r u dooing,
Blog: "Look at you, you look terrible. I have been great. I have traveled, I have tried out at least 60 other ideas over the past year..."
Boris: 60, woW u hav ben bizy. did yo eVr theenk of Me i thoght...
Blog: "No!"
Boris: "Reely, I mean we did sum
Blog: "Well, I am not being entirely honest. I didn't think of you for the first year, all these new ideas that I was trying from other people that I was trying were so fun, and interesting, exhilarating, mind blowing, unbelievably se..."
Boris: "I get tha pixter, your poiNt
Blog: "Yeah, as great and rich as all these ideas seemed, and they were great, they still could not make up for that one thing that that I started to miss."
Boris: "iS it Me...
Blog: "You interrupt too much, Yes it is you. I missed the simplicity of your ideas. The small mindedness of your thoughts. I missed how easy it was to make you change your thoughts to how I wanted it to be."
Boris: "Thanks! I tink."
Blog: "We made a good team, everyone could see it. But I thought I wanted to explore other thoughts. I could tell you some crazy thoughts that were given to me, some even in foreign langua..."
Boris: "Howbout knot, goe baCk to da peart aboot us mackin a gud teem."
Blog: "But I could never get it out of my head, the pair we were. I was read by so many people with some of these thoughts, I was put on petastles, but taken advantage of. It made me miss your simple thoughts and the fact only 5 people know about us.
Boris: "One thogt hade 12 reeders...
Blog: "Well still my point, that is what I have missed. That is what I realize I want. A quite life with your thoughts away from the public eye."
Boris: "Already, just fiNding you my thoghts are getin cleerer. Does thiS meen we are back two beinG a teem?"
Blog: "Well, lets start off slow. And probably shouldn't tell anyone because your thoughts are quite a mess right now."
Boris: "No one, reads this anywheys. Can we starte today?'
Blog: "I guess, dummy"

Until next TiMe.

Rock Bands, Toasts and Happily Ever After

2008-01-29T20:40:00.000-06:00

Wow, it is weird to be back in front of a keyboard, rambling through my thoughts. Taking this much time off from writing a blog has had a few profound effects on me. First, it has caused me to have the worst writers block I have ever had, basically since August. Second, it has caused me to face the real fact that no one really cared a blog has not been written. Even my mom has said that she was happy I was not wasting so much time on fruitless nonsense, and was hoping I had been concentrating more on bringing a nice baptist girl home for a family dinner and make an announcement about our future. This was not the case however. I found much more fruitless nonsense to eat up my time. In no particular order I will list a few things that have taken up precious blogging time. I have learned the fine art of Frisbee Golf, worked on the soulja boy dance, watched every episode of nearly ever television show produced over the last 8 years on my ipod, cataloged my empire of dvd's so meticulously that even I think I am a raging dork, have gone to bed before midnight every work night for almost 4 months straight(which is a record for me that I have broken every work night past the 2 day mark), and probably most pathetic of all I have become a video game addict. Admitting this of course, further puts off my moms dream of that family dinner with talks of a new family member joining the "circle of trust."
Video games and me have never been good friends, and it has been for one simple fact. I suck at them. I get beat by everyone at every game and so I could find it easy to not get addicted. Well no more my friends. It started slowly a few years ago when I bought a Play Station Portable(PSP). All I ever played was Tiger Woods golf against myself so I kept winning. And the fire was started, and now fast forward to the last two months when the game Rock Band was introduced to me and I now can not stop playing until my fingers are nearly unrecognizable and my eyes are red and blurry it looks as if I had just been dumped by my high school sweetheart all over again. This game, links two passions that I have never had any skills at, music and video games(I know your exspecting a joke here about my other passion that could fit this criteria, but your not going to get one, come up with your own and send it to me), and combines them into a single delightful competitive crack type addiction. I will have you know that I was, at one point, better then any of my friends at Rock Band and I will hold bit of that pride with me forever. They are all better then me now however, so I have had had time to work on other things. Like ...
Giving a toast. Ok, I am a relatively tough guy. I am scared of little. Standing in front of peers and giving a speech though is definitely not my favorite thing to do. I would venture as far as saying I would rather be dropped Indiana Jones style into a dark cave of snakes then be involved with public speaking. But I got to conquer that fear head on this past month by giving a toast to one of my best friends at his rehearsal dinner and wedding reception. It is widely known that 80% of my 10 closest friends are still single, so wedding preparation is not something I have not had to deal with the past 30 years. I actually worried about my responsibilities of being best man. I unfortunately leaned on my study skills from college when preparing. I waited until the last minute to even look up anything on what I was to do. First thing on the list was to give a toast. That was not fun. But it was also at the same time. It was a time of reflection on the good times we have had in the past, how great a girl he has found to live the rest of his life with, and how much he has changed since she has put the vice grips on his life(I should state here, all the changes were good ones). I made it through both speeches by the way. Much like my video game playing I was not very smooth at them but with 80% of my buddies still to get married maybe there will be some more chances.
Speaking of chances, I was given one last chance to take my buddy out on the town before his big day. His finance gave me that dead eye look and stated something about the vice grip she has been using was loose compared to what she is capable of, and that is I did not get her husband to be to the alter the next morning I would be in deep s.... trouble. I am a relatively tough guy. Very little scares me. But this statement did. And although we may have pushed the envelope a smidge, the groom was at the alter on time, even early, waiting for his beautiful bride to march down to isle to start her dominance over, I mean to start their life together. Which if any one knows(and Ill change their names for privacy)Carl and Angelina, they will live a blessed life, full of love and laughter and spend every single second together happily ever after.

Until next time.

A Well Rounded Party

2007-06-19T22:37:00.000-05:00

What comes to mind when you think of something that is 12 FEET in circumference, 42" in diameter, weights in at just under 30 pounds and produces enough grease to run a car for a decade? If you just answered my waist line, you are not funny. In fact you are not even close, I checked. Turns out you can fit five of my waists comfortably inside this area. Ok, give up?
It happens to be a pizza from Big Lou's Pizza, and it is no joke. This pizza was incredible. My first thought was it had to be invented by Willy Wonka in his wonderful castle, but when Big Lou himself came and told us he himself made it, I took his word for it and preceded to way over fill two large paper plates with just one slice. The discussion that our table mainly centered on was trying to guess how many calories had to be festering right under that golden cheese. The consensus was that it was just a couple of hundred under 5 million calories. I ate, I sweat, I shifted in my seat pretending to clear room, I ate more, filled my plates up a second time, I ate even more, I sweat more, I shifted more, I slowed down and after using 35 napkins, a tub of ranch and a bottle of crushed red peppers, I stopped. I realized that somewhere between the 23rd bite and my final bite(67) I should have stopped.
That is an incredibly long story to lead into what I dreamed about last night. I dreamed about a huge fun party that had lots of guests. That was an incredibly short transition thought. Anyways, driving home from eating 7 pounds of pizza I tried thinking about this party again, but all I could think of was pizza. And then it clicked. Pizza and Parties are almost identical. They are both great fun at any age. They both are extremely versatile. And they both both start with p. But I would like to take it about six more steps further. How do you start a party?
CRUST/DOUGH - Every party has a host. Every pizza has a crust. It is what holds both the party and the pizza together. Usually it would be the person with the nicest house or the most "dough" that hosts parties. There can be many types of crust to a pizza. Same with a party. Lets say you want a fun out doors party with not too many boundaries, the pizza equivalent would be a crispy crust with the pizza toppings and all running right to the edge. A stuffed crust pizza likes to contain the toppings a bit more so it has the wall around the pizza, same with a house party. You have to have the Host/Crust. But what does the host need the most?
SAUCE - The host can not do all the work by themselves. They need help. And when they do they call on their closest friends to come help. This would be like the sauce, a perfect complement to any crust. These friends get there a few hours early to get every thing set up. This is why sauce for a pizza is always made in advance and is always the first one ready to meet up with the crust. Just these friends and the host could have their own party, and they doo all the time. Just like bread sticks and sauce is always good to have too. But were having a party! What do we need?
CHEESE - Cheese is the element that really turns this gathering of a few close friends into a party. The cheese would be the party starter/maintainer. This is the drinks, the games or the activities of the party. Cheese on a pizza helps melt all the elements of a pizza together. In a party, the drinks help melt away inhibitions and shyness, the games help melt away any reservations. Games mixed with drinks are great way to get any party started in a fun way and keep everything feeling good through out. I think this is why just good friends get together a lot and play games. That is why I think the classic cheese pizza is so popular. But what does any party need to really become a full fledged party?
TOPPINGS - Just like a pizza, a party should only get as big as the host can handle. That is why this is such a wide open field. There are so many kinds of toppings to put on a pizza, just like there are so many kinds of people you can invite to a party. Like an all veggie pizza seems to me would be like an all jammies dress girl gab fest ending with bed jumping and pillow fights. Like wise a meatsa measta pizza, would as you guested would be a play station playing, arm wrestling, smelly guys night. A true party for all would be the supreme pizza. That way you have every kind of person accounted for which makes for such fun. There is always the loud and crazy person that I would assume would be that spicy Italian sausage. Every party has the quiet person that never seems to mingle much, and that would be like the mushrooms that seem to blend in with the meats and have not much taste. But mainly everyone just hangs out together and has a good time. I never see my pizza toppings complain. But wait... Parties are never that smooth you always have people going off into their own comfort groups right?
SLICES - Like a pizza has slices so a party has clicks. It is just nature. Some clicks have all the "toppings" represented in their "slice," but a lot of times certain slices are picked clean of unwanted "kinds of people." When people eat a supreme pizza there is almost always something you want to pick off. Same at a party. There always seems to be some kind of issue going on at each gathering and in each "slice" of people that has someone feeling left out. And just like on a pizza it usually falls to that lonely place on the pan or cardboard. But a lot of times other people see that lonely "person" and decide they want that extra bit on their slice and they invite that "topping" over. So there are always a couple instances at every party that seem to make the night go one way or the other. What could do this to a pizza/party?
EXTRAS - Pizza was invented to be eaten just as it is. A round delicious treat. Same with a party. A good wholesome time. But both the pizza and the party have a long history of "extras" coming into play. The pizza for instance, now has parmesan cheese, crushed red pepper, garlic butter and many other sauces that one can add to it. A party has drinking games. I am sure there are more examples but I have drwn a blank. I am not saying that these extra sauces are bad for the "pizza" but they seem to give the party a different feel then they had at the beginning. I guess lumped in with extras could be the whole cold pizza similarity as well. Once a party has gone deep into the night it seems to come to a standstill, only parts of slices of pizza are left the original barricade of crust that had kept everyone together has given up and gone to bed. It is down to just one or two "clicks" of pizza left mulling about. What could possible happen to this party now?
TO-GO BOX - Party is over. Go home. Pizza is closed up in its container and will not feel right the next day. It won't look right the next day. Not until the dough gets back together with the sauce and cooks up another great party!

Until next time.

Blogging Beats Boardom's Butt (10x's)

2007-06-11T22:52:00.000-05:00

I think I am the only person to notice that April and May came and went and I never posted a blog. While it did not quite create the epic uproar that I was ever-so-slightly expecting, it did give me a long period of time to go through situations, do stupid things, and think about life altering ideas in which I could blog about for at least a week. (A quick side note: I just realized that while I have considered myself as coordinated enough to chew gum, send a text message, and blot up spilled Big Red off my crotch, all while driving 80mph down the highway using my knee to steer; I am unable to write a blog and have the radio on. Every thought I have seems to be replaced by the endless number of Rascal Flats songs on the mySpace page that is open in another window!)
I have not really come up with ten ideas yet, but I just this second have decided to list in no particular order ten things that I have been up to that I think you might find some what interesting. Who am I kidding?! Haha My mom will probably even skip this blog. I'll start at ten so it will be easy to count down to the end. That way even if you are board, you will always gain hope with each diminished number. Ok ok I'll start.
10. I HAD A BIRTHDAY - Way back at the beginning of April in fact. I turned 29. I also turned pale and sick, because I had always assumed that once I got to 29 I would in fact just automatically turn into an adult. Not true as it turns out. The opposite is true. When you wait this late in life to grow up, it is way harder. An entire 15 point blog could be inserted right here and I am tempted to cut in and attempt it, but that would involve dedication, organization, willpower, logic, wisdom and perseverance; and we all know non of that happens until we turn 30.
9. I HAD A BREAK - People go through life trying to make luck happen for themselves, by using their savings to buy lotto tickets, play slot machines and getting hair plugs. I have been known to hit the Craps table in search of turning my last $50 bucks into a million. But I learned while in Houston attending a Spurs vs Rockets game that good fortune can find you when you least expect it. I had had a few adult beverages before the taxi dropped us off in front of the arena, yet the person meeting us with out tickets was not there yet, and would not for twenty minutes. While I emphasize I am not a physics major or a architect, I would like to point out that I know the human bladder is not 60 onces, and basketball arenas do not place restrooms outdoors. This left me pale and scared. I proceeded to desert my friends and search for a place, any place that was dark enough to not be seen... oh crap by these two people coming up to me, what do they want...? And that is when my break came. It was, and for privacy sake I will use the names Mary and Joseph, and they had two extra tickets to the game, and they offered them to me. I not caring if they were nose bleed tickets or what, took them in haste because I knew that these tickets were my ticket to the restrooms that were on the inside of the arena. Just as the most relieved face I have ever caused my forehead and cheeks to muster, it was followed quickly by a happy face. The tickets I was given not only would grant me to the most needed porcelain of my life, it would grant me permission to sit the one row away from the Spurs bench. If I would have noticed the price on the ticket before hand I most likely would have whetted myself and sold the tickets and went an bought 600 Lotto tickets.
8. I HAD A BUMP - I thought about using the phrase, I had a bumper and hood press the bumper in front of me. But that would have sucked, and the only thing that can suck in this paragraph are my after lunch day dreams. I learned a valuable lesson. When trying to picture that hammock set between two palm trees, on some remote island with blue blue seas and white white sand, and the bucket of Corona within hands reach, do not close your eyes. Especially while driving. Especially while driving on a busy street in traffic. Save these thought for once you got back to work and the customer in front of you is reaming you out for sending her package to the wrong state.
7. I HAD A BOOK IDEA - This could have very easily have been a blog idea, but the scope of it was so big and basically vague that it would have been way longer then even this blog looks as if it will be. If I can just skim the preface for the book in one sentence with multiple comas you would be lucky. But most likely it will take many sentences, all of which filled with unnecessary comas. Never mind I don't want to tell you the idea, for it could be stolen. Ok, It is about travel yet I would never leave the computer. But that is all I will say.
6. I HAD A BLOB APPEAR - If no one has learned this lesson on their own in there own time, I will let you in on a secret. If you never go to the gym, eat to the point of sweating, and sit down 90% of the time you are awake each day, you too will notice a blob. I at first tried containing it to just around my rib cage, but the longer this blob sits there the the more it tends to grow. I like to consider this last few months as my working on my "before picture" and I will stop eating and start going to the gym tomorrow. Yes I did say that in a blog in February as well, I was just seeing if you were paying attention. And yes, I introduced that thought in a blog back in November. Tomorrow is just month away.
5. I HAD A BRUISE - Everyone knows there are certain things that you just do not do. Don't poke sticks at sleeping bears, don't forget deodorant on a first date and don't buy the cables those guys at Best Buy try to sell you when you purchase a TV. While these are obvious, I must have missed the life memo that would have let me know that it is a bad idea to try to learn how to ride a skateboard in ones late twenties. I did just this. I did just this poorly. Inside on concrete, with no protective devices, and while not covered under health insurance, I attempted to do what I assumed was a novice move and spin in a 360 degree motion. 80 degrees into the spin I managed to put a nice mark on the wall, and I found the one spot on my torso that the Blob had not padded yet! Now even the pressure of underwear with no elastic left in the band, feels like a tiny hammer hitting my lower back/upper hip area. Don't think about that too long, just read on.
4. I HAD A BLAST - I believe there are certain rights of passage one must go through in life. Your first steps, word, haircut, your first pet, car, job. But there is one more I never encountered as a child but got the opportunity to a month ago. Ha ha no it is not my first kiss. It is my first lock-in. I was invited to be a chaperon at a lock-in at The Incredible Pizza Factory. While the pizza was less the incredible, the fact that middle school kids want nothing to do with chaperons was great. This aloud me become the biggest kid there(in more then one way). As soon as the night was over I got on the internet and scoured Monster.com for a job that needed someone to drive go carts, shoot mini basketballs, and play video games all night long, because I realized that I am really good at it.
3. I HAD A BRAIN FART - Mainly I just wanted to incorporate this word into a blog. I laugh when I say this word out loud. You say it out loud now and see if you do not do the same. BRAIN FART. hahahah I actually had so many brain farts over the past few months that I can not cover them all, so I will cover the one I felt stunk the most. HAHA When circumstances leave you having just a few clothes, it would make since that you take care of those clothes to the best of your ability. Well, I did. Until two nights ago. Let me first explain that I have a rotation I use when wearing shirts. I tend to wear jeans a few times over but always have a clean shirt. This rotation consists of 9 shirts. Four white shirts, four fading darker shirts and a new bright blue shirt. Well, I don't know how you do laundry but I have learned the basics and know that you wash whites/light colored stuff together and and wash dark colored things together. My brain fart came late at night when I noticed the floor of my room was covered in nine shirts and three pair of jeans. I had to work in the morning! I then made the choice that has put four of my shirts on the disabled list. I threw them all in the wash together on warm water setting. The only shirt to be truly unscathed was the bright blue shirt, thought from the amount of blue on the other shirts, I am amazed that there is any blue left on it. BRAIN FART. hahaha
2. I HAD A BURN - OK, point three dealt with the color blue. This one deals with the color "oh my god! Does that hurt as bad as it looks Red" I was in Wal-mart with two friends gathering the essentials for a day of tubing on the river. Essentials of course are beer, coolers, ice, Spurs koozies, and a Spurs window flag, and McDonald's togo. I believe at one point of the shopping spree the following conversation took place.
Friend 1: "We need to get some sun screen."
Friend 2: "I agree."
Me: "Why?"
Friend 1 & 2 together: "Because we will burn if we don't"
Me: "Well, I don't want any, I like to start the summer off with a real good baking so that I have a good base for the rest of the summer!"
Friend 1: "That is dumb."
Friend 2: "I agree, here is some sunscreen here, it says SPF 55"
Me: "If we are going to get any, it can't be that high! I bet there is more sunscreen by the beer"
Friend 1: "That is dumb."
Friend 2: "I agree."
I could go on for another 45 minutes worth of dialog, but the finale of it is that we forgot to buy sunscreen at all and I refused to even borrow any. I floated on what could be described as a round open flamed oven for 4 and 1/2 hours, somehow avoiding the shade from trees like the bubonic plague. My chest, stomach, shoulders, thighs, knees, shins and feet now are the shade of red as I described earlier. Well that is what others call it. I call it the "next time I am going to wear a long sleeve shirt and jeans when tubing red".
1. I HAVE A BLANK - Yes, I have drawn a blank. So I will resort to childish humor. BRAIN FART! hahahah

Until next time.

Srinking Shorts and Soaking Shirts

2007-06-07T00:35:00.000-05:00

What is the one thing 80% of overweight people and 100% of people who are not really overweight but think they are want? My first instinct answer was Ritz crackers with canned cheese sprayed on it to overflowing. But after a survey of ten people, all of which I assumed were in the category of people who are not really overweight but think they are, unanimously answered with "to lose weight." I next decided to do a personal test. I tried on last summer's swimsuit, and gave up when it could not be pulled past my knees. Needless to say I put myself in the category of overweight people and answered my survey with "lose alot of weight fast!"
I had to first get to the bottom of what happened to me for my not getting that swimsuit past my knees. I know that I have really only been donating money to the gym I used to go to most days each month. I know I now spend the time I usually spend at the gym growing into a computer desk chair watching endless clips on YouTube in between bites of Taco Bell gorditas(t6 meal). I know that lately when the feeling creeps into my head that I should go out side and do something active on, lets say a Saturday because it is sunny and 75 degrees, I have been choosing to dim the lights in the house grab a gallon of Blue Bell ice cream, crumble half a bag of Oreo Cookies and pour Hersey's Syrup all over it and watch Discovery Channel in High Def(side note: That Planet Earth series nearly knocked Dumb and Dumber from the number one spot in my list of shows that I can watch over and over in one day and not get board.) I also know that the past 5 months or so at work in stead of standing all day like I have done for the 5 and 1/2 years before, I now found my self sitting on a stool when I am not helping customers. This I figured weighed heavy in my quest to find out the reason my lime green swim suit with a stitched logo of Elmo in a Snorkel on the left leg of the .... wait a minute... I didn't have a lime green swim suite last year!! It was red! I immediately run back up the stairs grabbed the suite in question...how could I have been so dumb? I must have grabbed my nephews suit. The relief I felt was short lived. I found my true swim trunks minutes later, and while they did pull up to my waist, I noticed that the only reason I got it to my waist was because I sucked in and had not been breathing for the past three minutes. Time to get a new suit.

What do %99.9(cause there is always the freaks)of people absolutely despise to the core of their very body and sole? Satan seems to be the obvious answer here. But the survey I didn't have the time or need to ask anyone else except my five personalities came to the conclusion that in fact only 72% of people hate satan, and coming in first was non other the typical job interview. I have only heard that these things were ulcer causing worry-fests but I had always considered that blown way out of proportion. I mean how hard can it be to just sit back at chit-chat about something . I mean I do it all the time talking about my San Antonio Spurs or Survivor highlights but I had never had one of these until this week. That is why I now am a firm believer in the truth that these things certainly require serious preparation if not total avoidance.
It is a great idea I know to go into the interview prepared to talk about yourself in a positive and downright bragful way. Another good idea is to do research on the job you are applying for and to have a plethora of questions ready to try to remember at the end of the torture...I mean interview. Dressing up for the interview seems to be the norm too so I made sure to find a nice tie and shirt and matching socks. But the most important thing and I can not emphasize this enough or with more passion, but choosing your undershirt is probably the most important of all tasks when getting ready to go to an interrogation... I mean interview. I feel close enouph to you readers that I can let you know that I tend to wear a nice sleeveless thin "wife-beater" type undershirt in my regular life, and I was prepared to carry on this tradition under my nice shirt and tie. But one hour before interview as I was dressing I began to notice a few things. One, the feeling that this was going to be a piece of cake had turned into a feeling I was going to be cut to pieces like a birthday cake at a party for Rosie O'Donnell. Crap. Second, that comfortable right out of the shower feeling I had, was now getting replaces by an uncomfortable, "why is my stomach making noises like that?" feeling. Double crap. And that smile of anticipation quickly was turning to a "how am I sweating already while standing under the ceiling fan on high?" face. The very hard to obtain in any situation, triple crap! I had to do something quick. I was racking my brain for an idea. That is when I thought about every first date I have had. Ok Ok and second through 5th. What was the one thing that saved me? Yes, that 400% cotton ultra thick Hard Rock Cafe shirt I got in London. That shirt was definitely used in the brainstorming sessions when some dorks got together to discuss the design and texture of the Shammy. So to cut to the long overdue point, I did make the decision to retrieve this shirt from the bottom drawer due to it has not been used in some time, and wear it for my first interview. And let me tell you that was right up there with not parting my hair down the middle any more, as one of the best decisions I have ever made. For, and I am sure I could fill a blog about it, my interview lasted one and a half hours under what must have been the most powerful 70 watt light bulb ever produced. If the interview would have been 10 minutes longer I would have had to resort to that uncomfortable posture in which I turn my body in such a way where the dry parts of my shirt would cover the ever growing soggy parts. That would have for sure been the world record. Quadruple crap! Time to wash my shirt.

Until next time.

p.s. The new color scheme is not meant to confuse. It is my clever and unclever at the same time, attempt of showing support for the Spurs as they go for their fourth title in nine years. GO SPURS GO!

What Happens When You Stay Up Too Late.

2007-03-27T01:27:00.000-05:00

It is a little known fact that I stay up way too late way too often. The reason it is a little known fact, is because the only people that know it are the same seven people that have ever read this. But just to reiterate, I have what can be considered a slight problem with staying up later then I should. I mean it is OK to stay up late if you have some important business to take complete. But I tend to make myself stay up doing basically nothing but stare at the computer or the TV. It seems I have a secret agenda going on to turn my eyes a permanent shade of bloodshot. Tonight just happened to be another one of those nights. I have used these nights to pretty much perfect surfing. No not the one that makes you blond, tan and muscular. That one that makes you gray, pale and saddle-baggish. I have attempted to find the ends of the internet and I believe I have come close tonight. It gave me the idea to try something new on the blog. And that was to post a few of the utter insanity that keeps me up at night. Enjoy.

I like music, and I like music videos. But this I am going to have to say was a bad mix.

I like movies, and I like fight sceens but I am going to have to say this was a bad mix.

I would like to think my dashboard playing while driving is nearly this good but I am not sure I could back that up.

Last one I swear. Another person that stays up to late. I really need to sleep if this is the next step.

I promise to not do that to you again. Well, all seven of you.

Until next time.

How to write a blog.

2007-03-22T00:09:00.000-05:00

I know it is not polite to start a paragraph with I, but I just did it, and I did it because I can. That is the power I have over not only my hands to make them type the capital i, but also over the format and topic of this and every blog I create. This is truly the one and only thing I have complete control over. Ok, so I do depend on one million computer dorks that are in a basement somewhere making sure that the internet works. But as far as what I write and what I don't write, I have the final say. Thinking on this has empowered me a bit. I wish I could have that kind of control in other areas of my life, but I will take what I can, and the fact that in the span of a little over two years I have been doodling on this thing no one has had any influence on it except me! Of course no one has ever read it, but that is beside the point. I know that there are allot of bloggers out there, but I don't see why blogging is not more popular hobby. I know you are thinking about the fact that 95% of the blogging population are 28 year old males, living at home and are a scary shade of pale white, but that is beside the point. Writing a blog is easy. Given if you are a terrible speler and penmenship is not your best tallent, it can get frustrating, I still think it is about the easiest thing in one's life to do. I know you are pondering, it is only easy because it does not involve going on first dates and meeting people, but that is beside the point. It is a hobby in which you are in a position to do things how you want and, depending on how often you write a blog, how how often you want. You are basically your own boss. I have found however the pay is nothing, and the hours tend to cause Walmart bag shaped blackness under the eyes. These are such little set backs that I can still not fathom that blogging has not become a hit among "cool" people. I came to a quick awful conclution that it is possible that blogging is not cool. I quickly squashed that thought(because I am in charge mind you), and decided it is because no one has ever really take the time to share with all non-bloggers exactly how to write a blog. So I came up with a few guidelines that may help you start a hobby that will help you lose that unwanted tan. Here are just four easy steps, because too many more and even I would stop reading.

1. BUILD an IDEA - An idea is not formed from an imaginary friend sitting on your shoulder telling you what to write about, unless of course you are 28 living at home and are a scary shade of pale white. But that is beside the point. A idea for a blog needs to be built. It can start at any time during the day, most likely when you least exspect it. You will know when you have an idea, because you think about this idea for more then a few seconds. There are blogs I suppose that go on and on about what you think about the hot person in the car next to you so be careful what you let start being a thought you want to build. I usually am driving and thinking. Ok, so I am usually thinking no matter what I am doing so I get ideas in my head constantly, but sometimes one hits me with such force that I, blink, shut my jaw and I ponder this thought. I play with it all day. I usually obsess over it right up until I get to the computer, and then I go blank. This is just me though. I suggest you hold onto the thought until you have finished the next three steps.

2. LIKE your IDEA - A blog will not be written if you do not like the subject of your blog. No matter what you are writing about make sure you like it. I think this is real important. The reason this is important i found is that you might be the only person to read your blog. So make sure it is something you like. I have been a fledgling blog writer for well over 23 months, and the total number of readers to have commented in the blog are 7. While this is 700% more then 99% of blogs I always aim to reach more readers. This is why I have considered paying people to read it.

3. OPINIONATE you IDEA - Each day I am almost certain everybody in the world has the exact same idea as at least 10 other people at any given time. So when it comes time to blogging about this idea you need to make it your own by adding your opinion. The great thing about opinions is that they put your own personal twist on an idea. Make the blog your own. If you want a serious blog about the politics of global warming you can do that, but just to warn you, you will never reach 7 readers status. Not unless of course, you add some opinions that spice up the old boring earth is dying talk. You can even make up your opinion if you get stuck. That is the beauty of writing your own blog. Not everything has to be correct, you do not need to cite sources for your research. Make the blog your own by making it one of a kind, or just add a catch phrase to the bottom to make it seem one of a kind.

4. GROW your IDEA - No one like a short little blog that they can skim through and be done with in a few minutes and be on to their day. Well I hope not anyways. Readers want to hear about a small paltry idea that they can tell you like, that they can tell your opinionated about but most importantly that you can go on and on about. I find this the easiest part of any blog. In actuality the word idea is short and puny looking but its meaning is endless. Ideas are not meant to be bottled up and shared in fragments. They are meant to be shared in volume until everyone is so glued to the blog and this idea that they can not get it out of their head for the rest of the day, or then again they could hate it. But that is beside the point.

The point it that blogging should be something everyone is proud of. For every single person in the world can blog. Of course to do it right, you need to be one of the 21% of the worlds population that have access to the internet and a computer. You will also need to remember the most important thing before you sit to write your first blog. An Idea.

Build this idea
Like this idea
Opinionate this idea
Grow this idea.

Until next time.

Running and Reading = Old Guy

2007-03-05T23:26:00.000-06:00

There are not many nights that I have nothing to say. There are just few nights lately that I have had any time to sit down and bore you. Tonight is another one of those nights, but I am going to do it anyways. I have one of those life changing years so far this year. No, I did not win the lottery, inherit the playboy mansion or get a date. I simply have gotten older with out even turning another year older(yet). This may seem strange but I have traced it to a few things that have happened in my life over the past few months. Unstrangely enough they each start with the letter R.
Running - I have been doing some serious running over the past eight weeks. I have been enjoying it. I have run more then I ever have in my life. I have even paid good money to have someone tell me how fast and how long to run on a tread mill. I know that this seems like a task that should be and is free to 100% of the world, but like $12,000 shoes if people are willing to pay money then there are people that will charge. I am one of these people. I have paid money to be in a running class, in which I wake up earlier then I usually want to, run further then I usually want to, but I have felt better then I am usually used to. So you may be wondering, "why does this make you feel old Kevin?" Well, being in this class and if I can brag for a second, kicking this classes butt, I have the notion that I, a 28 year old owner of Asics, am in tip-top shape. I just needed a way to prove this, so I entered a flag football tournament. Yes, the same one that I entered last year and I wrote a blog about how much of a wuss I was. Well, I was bound and determined to kick the butt of this tournament, just as I was doing to my running class. I will try to sum this story up in one sentence. After nearly breaking my thumb on the first play, bloodying not just both knees but both elbows, my thigh, shoulder, hip, not to mention having chapped lips I played in five games in one long windy day, finishing the day in the semifinals with a tough loss. Sounds, like just a good tough day of football right? Anyone who has kicked a running classes butt can handle that with ease right? Well that was ten 9 days ago and I had my best morning yet this morning, for I was able to get out of bed and make it to the bathroom without crying and in under thirty minutes for the first time. I was obviously not in shape. Running has helped prove that. If it is running on a rubber surface at a steady speed, I can do it. If it is anything else, I can not. I am old.
Reading - I have been doing some serious reading over the past eight weeks. I have enjoyed reading. Although I have not over come the hurtle of being able to finish a book, I sure have had a good time starting them. I carry a book with me everywhere I go now. If I have a few spare minutes I give that book a good reading. I believe in total I have started 4 books, making it halfway through two of them. While I like to assume I will finish all four of these, it will probably just end up like most of my dates. Wait i just remembered you have to have to go on a date to use dating as an analogy. So back to reading... I have liked getting lost in other peoples words, much like I like getting lost in movies. Reading is fun and it helps keep the mind sharp. So, you may be wondering, "why does this make you feel old Kevin?" Well, the reading has not necessarily made me feel old, it is what I have given up to read. Example, I was just in one of the biggest malls in the world this past weekend in Houston, and instead of doing what most young modestly dorky people do, which is use this time to shop for clothes that make them less modestly dorky, I hung out in the book store for 3 hours and looked through travel books and sipped on a latte. I then bought a book and went and sat outside a trendy looking store and people watched, sitting next two really old men with stains all down their shirt. Not only did this make me feel old and trendy, It caused me to check my shirt for stains. I found two, what looked like drips of latte. I am old.
Being old is not all that bad though...of course i can't Remember why.
Until next time.

First Annual Presidents Day Blog

2007-02-19T21:03:00.000-06:00

First New Years then Valentines Day. I guess my motivation to ramble comes only on important days on the American calender this year. President's Day is today in case the three of you were unaware of such knowledge, like almost 80% of the U.S. population is. In my thoughts today, which seem to be at an all time high lately(due largely to nothing), I started, of all things, thinking about this 'holiday'. When did it start and why? Well, I didn't know, and in stead of looking up the answer, I decided to think about something different. I started thinking on what it must take to be President of the United States of America. I asked my self if I thought I could be President. I quickly laughed at myself and told myself that I could not even be president of my five personalities. Don't worry this confused me too. But really, what does it takes to have the nerve and desire to be President of something so big and important? To me, Presidents basically are the most important man in the world, most people hate them for one reason or the other and every phrase, thought and movement is dissected to death on news shows 24 hours a day. What would make some one want this. 'Crazy' seemed to jump to my brain first, but after maybe 2 hours of believing it just takes being crazy to want to be President, another word popped into my dome. 'Leadership'. All the Presidents that I have not read to much about have all had heeps of this. They all seem to be born leaders. But what makes a leader? I of course, wanted to know the answer without looking it up. After making up a few unacceptable answers, I did some research for once. From the qualities I found that make up a leader I wanted to make myself of questioner to determine weather or not I have in me, and in turn the craziness to become president of the free world. I basically wanted to prove my personalities wrong. You can take the quick test too. See if you have what the qualities of a LEADER!
1. DO YOU DISPLAY WISDOM IN ALL AREAS OF LIFE?
This is a tough one to answer. It is well known that I have more gray hair then my grandma so I have always told myself that this salt and pepper look is really groups of 'wisdom streaks.' So I want to say yes here, but I am afraid that the real reason of all this gray hair is actually due to lack of wisdom in all areas of life. Mainly the area that controls the sense of when to go to bed and not stay up till all hours writing sinceless babble. So I guess this is a 'most likely no'.
2. DO YOU HAVE A CLEAR VISION OF WHAT YOU WANT TO ACCOMPLISH IN LIFE?
I have such bad eye sight that I depend heavily on my contacts and glasses to even see 10 feet. As far as a vision of my life, I would have to describe it more as I have clear daydreams. Is that the same? I have a clear vision of where I want to end up(on my own personal island living in an open air mansion, married to an amazing woman, with 4 perfect children and a large lab named Teddy) The part of the vision that is not so clear, is how the heck to get to that! So I will answer a 'maybe' for this one.
3. DO YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO MAKE DIFFICULT OR UNPOPULAR DECISIONS?
Being a well documented over thinker, making a decision on something seems harder for me then balancing sharpened pencils on my nose. (Yes, surprisingly I am quite good at this) I can think myself out of making decisions that are simple for most people. I blame this on George Bush because that seems to be popular, and I guess I have to answer with a 'no' here.
4. ARE YOU A RISK TAKER, WITH COURAGE TO ACT IN UNCERTAIN SITUATIONS?
I think I am a risk taker. I drive with out a seatbelt on way too much. I have gone 7 years without health insurance. And I have invented the 'back in' dance. All of these are risky and dangerous to my health. Since, I don't even understand the last part of the question(I assume uncertain situations are talking about the opposite sex) I will just go out on a thin weak limb high up in the air and answer 'yes' for the sheer risk of it.
5. LEADERS KNOW THEIR OWN STRENGTHS AND WEAKNESSES, DO YOU POSSESS A SELF-KNOWLEDGE?
I am more in tuned with my strengths and weaknesses then most people. Then again most people are probably not as tough a judge as I am. I like to write yet I have no grammatical tailent. I think a strength is dancing but a weakness is denial. I will say yes to this be cause making things up is a strength.
6. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE COLOR?
Blue. Which I think is not good. Most leaders pick red because it stands for power and blood.
Ok, I know you don't want to read anymore questions because you all have gotten them all right so far. I don't want to come up with anymore because the writing is on the wall. I have what looks like a C- on this quiz. So, maybe I am not ready to be President of the United States just yet. But does that even bother me one bit!? Well, to be honest it crushes me. But that is not the point. I feel that leadership is in each of us. Some happen to have so much that it makes others sick. Some have so little it makes themselves sick. Some use their leadership skills to run the nation. Some use their leadership to run a corporation. Some to run a church. Some to run a small business. Some use it to run a gang that kills people. Some though use it to lead just one person. To help just one person. To encourage one person. So on Presidents Day lets remember the 43 Presidents that have been true leaders. Lets also remember that one person, that one leader, that has led us to do something positive with our lives.
Until next time.

The Valentines Day Blog

2007-02-13T21:11:00.000-06:00

Another Valentine Day is here. And if you have followed my blogs or have seen me dance, you are aware of the fact that February 14th is much like February 15th or 13th to me, except I get a heart shaped pancake for breakfast from my mom. I have realized that this week is the two year anniversary of my throwing down some words and posting them for the world to not read. I let you know know last year that my blog has been there for me through the thick and the thin, so I couldn't think of a better way to honor her but to write another blog on this night. I thought about putting together a list of ways to impress that special someone in your life on this Valentines, but I was afraid you would start asking questions and realize i had no idea what I was talking about. I then thought I would maybe explain to you the history of this date, and the meaning behind this day or love. But again, I quickly gave up on that because I had no idea, and my made up explanation would most likely include ponies with angel wings and a long drawn out poem, and I knew I would be laughed at even more then normal. Next I figured if I didn't have anything positive to give you I would just share the heart breaking story of my first love. It should only take two hours of your time. But it would take 4 hours to write, three Kleenex boxes and at least three more months of counseling to finish that story. So, I have decided to go back to my roots and just hit the return key start a new paragraph and just start typing the first thing that comes to the frontal lobe of my thought jammed mega-head.
Do any of you like working out as much as Mr Olympia and Mrs Universe? Do any of you like to interact with the opposite sex as much as Casanova or Debbie? I know at first look these two questions may seem completely unrelated. But to me the two seem to relate in a practical way that is easy to follow.(given it is even easier to follow if you are me) Let me explain why I think working out and dating are quite similar, at least to my frontal lobe they are. First off, I really really like the idea, the concept, the thought and the benefit of working out. It is good for your health and can make you feel better about yourself. I also really really like the idea, the concept, the thought and the benefits of dating. It is good for your health and can make you feel better about yourself. Pretty simple. The thought of dating and working out are both outstanding. I personally am a master at thinking about both. In fact if all it took was thinking about both I would look like Gov. Arnold and I would be a smooth operator in the area of the ladies. But unfortunately it takes more that thinking, so lets move on. Another similarity is they both have endless possibilities. Take dating for example. You basically have your pick of thousands of people to date. You then have thousands of prospects of things you can do with this person on a date. So many places to chose to eat, movies to watch, theater to cat nap in, picnic to really try to impress her with, etc. There is definitely not a shortage of ideas you can come up with in the planning stages of dating. Or the part of dating that I refer to as the wishing stage. The same can be said about the planning stage of working out. There are so many ways in which we can work out our body. Running, weights, sports, etc. All of which are very easy to think about. Mainly because for dating there is no pressure of failure and working out there is no pressure of motivation. This leads me into the other similarity. The actual task at hand. The first time working out or the first time back to working out after a layoff can be brutal. You are still not sure what is going on. I know I must have looked like a deer in headlights when I started working out again. I was uncomfortable and everything seemed foreign to me, probably because most of the women were lifting more then me. And even the white towels they pass out seemed to be two shades tanner then me. Just the first time back is hard hurtle to jump. That is why sometimes it takes a while to go that first time. This is all the same with dating. getting into the game or ever getting into the game can be tough. It is different, and butterflies come with it. I know I must look like a deer in headlights every time I almost get to the point of going on a date. (yes you read that right) It is tough to get back into either of these two things, working out though I have found is much easier, even to the point where I have gotten back into it well over 5 times since I have gotten back into dating. (yes you read that right) Ok, lets move on. So what happens when you work out that first week? You are sore. I know I get extremely sore. I have more energy during the day because my body is getting stronger and healthier but in the first few weeks it is tough because I feel my limbs would feel better if I cut them off and I just became a pillow for the rest of my life. After a few weeks of getting into a routine at the gym you should start feeling good about yourself and working out. This is when you start fine tuning your work out and it starts becoming easier without as much motivation as in the beginning. This is also true in dating, I hear. One you get over the hump and start dating it should become easier and easier. Maybe you date the same person many times and it takes less and less self confidence. Maybe you become a dating machine and you go broke(unless your a girl and you run out of places to stash you jewelry). Both working out and dating have this same positive similarity in that both get easier with more time put into it. They however share a somewhat negative similarity as well. This would be discouragement. When I have worked out for some time, I start to feel good about myself. I think, "Man, I could enter a marathon or a strong man competition!" That is until I look to my left and my right and say, "Man, these girls are still stronger and faster then me!" It can get a tad bit discouraging when you feel you have been trying your hardest and it seems you are having no improvement. This is the same for dating. One can think they have dating down and then you meet someone that makes it seem ten times easier. I know I have met that person almost daily. What makes this person so much better at dating then me? I realized besides the million extra dollars and the confidence mountain on his side, there is nothing anyone has I don't. We are all on an even playing field. (hahah ok so that goes against my thought process for many years) But, it does lead me into a final similarity in our two topics. We all have the ability to go to the gym, to train hard, to focus, to excel, to meet our goals and to feel great about it. We all start off on the same foot when getting into our personal workouts. And that is the first step. Same with dating. It is the first step that everyone has to take, even those extremely popular beautiful people had to take the first step. Given, I think some peoples first step happened precisely at the same time they took their true first step as a baby, yet they had to take one too. So it is fair to say that working out and dating are amazingly similar if you want them to be!
These two actions are actually more similar then I thought when I started this, but I am also sure I could write a blog to share how they are completely different, but hey! I hope everyone has gotten there first steps in and are enjoying this Valentines Day for what it is. A special day thought up by Hallmark to help motivate people to get to the gym, I mean to have a reason to take that step toward dating. It is a special day to share with a person you care for. Just like a workout though, you got to work hard at it to keep it going. So it is really more then one special day, it is one of life's workout routines.
Until next time.

Ten Tips to Finishing your New Yea...

2007-01-04T21:54:00.000-06:00

Happy New Year no one. I am afraid that since it has been so long since I have written a blog my loyal reader or three have stopped even checking this page. But if you are reading this then welcome, and I'll get started now, because I know you can't wait for it to be done already.

Each year we find ourselves staring at a new year with feelings of dumbfoundment, joy and sadness. Well I do anyway, because I am dumbfounded by the thought that a whole year has passed and my goals for that year are 89%* incomplete, yet I am filled with joy because, at the strike of midnight on December 31, it matters no more how many goals I left undone, because of the simple fact that I can just set more easier ones, which in turn makes me feel a bit sad, due to the realization that I was not looking at the past years goals but at five years ago goals, and they were the same as this past year, with one jumping out at me the most, that being to grow up!** I just figure everyone is the same as me, so since I have already laid out some simple tips for creating some goals or resolutions, I figured I would do some research and figure out the best way to get that resolution incompletion percentage down to nothing! A quick recap of the tips for setting goals might come in handy so here they are in very particular order. 1. Keep it Guarded-as we know this keeps first dates from being last dates 2. Keep it Organized-The Container Store*** can not help you with this one, just remember the categories 3. Keep it Available-You don't leave home without your Visa card do you, just keep it near 4. Keep it Logical-no one can be cooler then "The Fonz," so cross that one off the list now. 5. Keep it Simple-remember to make so simple they are almost impossible to not reach!
Since I am not one to make anything up, I have to admit to you that in my research**** I have not come up with adequate method for reaching set goals, so I will in turn make some up, that I am positive will be better then anything on the market. I have whittled down so many ideas into 10 easy tips to help insure that you accomplish more goals then you thought possible. I will start at the bottom of my list.
10. PRETEND - It is not childish to sit and stare out the window for hours thinking on another life, another dream, another goal. I do it all the time. It is called pretending to do something you can't or have not yet done. I think it is important to pretend that you can do your toughest goal. That way when it comes time to meet that goal you will have replayed it in your head so many times it should be easy. I say "should" here because, I have used this method to get a date and it just caused sweaty palms and an awkward "Who are you, creep?" But still I feel this is a sound approach.
9. UNDERSTAND - Sometimes it can be overwhelming to look at your list of goals in late October and see that you have a long way to go to have a respectable goal meeting year. This is when you need to take a deep breath and realize or understand that you are not going to get 100% through the list. It is however, time to re-apply your self and strive to get as many of these done as possible. This is not the advice I have followed in the past. I usually freak out that so much is not done on my list that I quit doing the goals all together and I just stay single.
8. EVOLUTION - Though it has been disproved by God*****, 99% of Republicans and 23% of Democrats, the theory of evolution leaves us with an important goal reaching philosophy. And that is simply that if a goal is just out of reach, yet you are trying really hard, just evolve your goal into something more obtainable. This is made easier if, when you set your goals, use a pencil. This will increase your completion percentage and will also be added to my goal setting tips revised edition. It is ok I believe to change more then once too, as long as you are still working with the goal in mind. I have in the past changed mine from something like, "find Mrs. Right" to "go on date" to "talk to girl" to "chat in chat room with a girl."
7. VICTORY PARTY - Everyone I know loves a good party. So why not throw one for the best reason of all, accomplishing a goal! No matter how small the goal, it is important to celebrate the completion of it. Professional Sports teams throw huge parties when they reach their goal of winning a championship. They have help to accomplish their goals though, coaches, teammates, fans and most importantly the team that lost. So why should you and me not have a grand bash each time we conquer one of our goals. This will help achieve other goals as well because the anticipation of each party. I am also thinking that with all these parties the "evolution" step will not be needed so much in the female category of my goals.
6. INCH-BY-INCH - From the look of every gym in the world****** this week, most people, myself included, believe that goals are a sprint. Quite the opposite is true. It is a marathon and should be treated like such. I have not run a marathon, but I am pretty sure that if I did, I would take it one inch at a time. It is not about the speed in which you get to your goal, but simply making sure you have enough energy to finish the race. So do not fall into the trap that I do and try to do too much right out of the gate. Inch your way along, you will get there. Just think to your self that there is 365 inches in this year, and each day you will be that much closer to reaching a goal. The Inch-by-Inch approach is also how I approach girls I like, but I just end up getting laughed at as I slowly shuffle up with sweaty palms.
5. GENEROSITY - It should be mandatory to use pencils to write resolutions now because if in your journey to complete a goal you surpass your goal, what are you left with?! a resolution that has been not just conquered, but shattered. This is not always good. I do not think it has to be bad though. Would it not be better to give that extra part of the goal to someone that did not quite make it to theirs? Let me explain. This works best with goals such as losing weight, or talking to girls. Let’s say I hit my goal of losing 10 pounds but for some Heaven sent reason I lose 25 pounds. I should be able to give those extra pounds past my goal to someone that has not quite met their goal. Maybe I could trade my extra weight loss to someone that talked to more girls then they set their goal for and we would both be winners. Generosity is key.
4. TEAMWORK - This goes right in hand with the last tip, but it stands on its own because to be honest, it was the only tip on my list that was in every list I read during my research for this blog. Teamwork is important. This means having a group that holds you accountable for your goals and helps you each day to reach your goals, and in turn you help them reach theirs. This is the easiest way to reach some goals. If you are week in some areas of your resolutions ask a buddy or two to help you out and encourage you. Another upside to having a team of friends help you is you have more victory parties to go to, which in turn means your friends might be able to introduce you to a cool girl. GOOOOOOO Team!
3. NIX - This may be the shortest tip and it is not the best of the ten tips, but none the less it is a tip worth saying and believing in. Say on December 28th your sitting in bed unhappy with the year your having and you want to do something about it, so you start writing goals for your self to achieve the following year so that you will not feel like this next Dec. I keep saying "you" here like I am talking about you but this is really me. I start the year off with a list of goals that would need an 8 font to fit them all on three sheets of paper. So, here it is January and I realize that is ridiculous. I believe strongly that if I am ever going to get this completion percentage up then Nixing out some of the fluff goals is imperative. And I believe many of you could be in the same boat. So I have Nixed out things like "steal Donald Trump's money" and "become Hugh Hefner."******* What can you Nix out?
2. OPPERTUNITY - "Behind every door is something great" Someone wise said something like that. And it is so true. Around every corner there is always the possibility that a goal could land on your lap. It should be a goal; in fact I am going to write it in now on my list, that we should make the most of each opportunity we have to further along our quest for resolution completion. If an opportunity is out there somewhere, go for it! This is not to be a discredit to the INCH BY INCH tip, but a complement to it. Strive all year, day-by-day, but if something is in reach that normally is not, make the most of it and jump up an extra inch. Looking back at the end of the year and seeing missed opportunities is the worst feeling. Ok, saying this I have to admit, I have not been like a lion and pounced on opportunities in my past goals. If I had I would have a great job and less sweaty palms! Lets all be Lions this year!
1. DETERMINATION - There is no since in starting to obtain your resolutions if you are not bound and determined to do so. Teamwork will not help, Understanding, Pretending, Evolution will all be useless. Nixing will work here but it will be cheating in this case. Goals are set because we want something to strive for during the year. We want to accomplish something. The most important part of all of this comes from inside and it has a pretty steady beat. ******** That steady beat should drive us, it should motivate us, and it should pick us up when we are down. That beat is our determination to get our goals done. This is done by the most important tip I could come up with; strangely enough the only one that I didn't make up, it is simply.....

D - determination
O - opportunity
N - nix
T - teamwork

G - generosity
I - inch-by-inch
V - victory party
E - evolution

U - understand
P – pretend

Until next time.

*Margin of error +/-10%
**Officially the longest sentence used in modern day English blogging. Yes there are ten commas.
***No permission was seeked to use this company name in a bad blog.
****Five minutes worth.
*****My Savior.
******I have not personally seen in each one, just an assumption.
*******Two of my worst examples to date. Sorry.
********Unless you have an irregular heartbeat, of course.

Read Between the Sheets

2006-11-16T02:05:00.000-06:00

It has been proven many times over that I am sleep deprived. Every day I do not know what I look like until I see peoples expression at work. And if it is of mild discontent, I know I just still have toothpaste dried on my mouth. If their look is one of severe discontent then I know I did something like forget to remove the sleepy junk from my eyes and they look like a slimy egg hatching or something. If they step two feet in the store and then scream running out of the store, then I know that I have forgotten to put on a shirt. Anyways, the point is this. I tend to find things to keep me from sleeping each night. Mainly stuff that has little to do with making me a better human. Like MySpace, Blogs, Movies or watching TV. All three of you just gasped I know. Well prepare to gasp again. My bed changed the words to a John Mayer song tonight while I was watching LOST. He turned it into a ditty for me. Brought me to tears and made me realise I need to spend more time with him. So hopefully from now on I will not be wasting so much time late night surfing the net, I will be snug in my comfortable bed...playing game boy.

Here are the lyrics to the song my bed wrote me. It is best read if you can find the song from John Mayer's, Heavier Things CD. You will also need to sing in G because that is how it was rewritten. If you don't have it on cd or eight track it is playing on mySpace. Thanks again good night.

Come Back to Bed

Red are your eyes
You need to move
Here by my side
Your awake doin' all your things
not one of them match one of mine
No drool on my sheets
Show me you don't care at all
So tell me what to do
To get you to get in my sheets this fall

You'll be rested in the mornin'
We'll poke fun of your bed head
Please give in to your fear
Be Bold, Boris
Come back to bed
Rest your big head
Come back to bed
Come back to bed

What will you miss
Yaknow that that surfin' will ne'er end
I hear each morn's wish
Your eyes feel like death,
Joints are disastrous

You won't feel bad each morning
Youll feel so alive instead
And start the day in second gear
Your old, Boris
Come back to bed
Your eyes are so red
Rest that huge head
Come on come back to bed
Come back to bed...

[harp solo]

You'll need no snooze bar in the mornin'
Your stomach will be fed
Please believe me
8 hours will be pure gratification
For you Boris
Just Come back to bed
Rest that large head
Come back to bed

Don't use your MySpace oe'r your bed
Don't work your blog over your bed
Don't watch your shows over your bed
Don't view your movies oe'r your bed
Don't surf the net over your bed
Don't play your games

Until next time.

The Parable-attempt

2006-09-26T23:02:00.000-05:00

As no one knows I have not had written a blog in over a week. Which means no one has wondered why and no one will care why I haven't, but for the sake of filling up a few lines of cyber space, I will now type to myself to figure out exactly what it is have been up to over the past week and a half. All that comes to mind are a bunch of opposites. I have been up late at night, and I have been to bed early-as in before the local news comes on. I have gotten up early and I have woken up late-as in late in the afternoon as well as late for work. I have had my mind filled with so many thoughts from both spheres of my brain-as in both intelligent thoughts and silly daydreams(I know you might not think I know the difference between these two, and you may be right.) I have been on a health kick-as in going to the gym, as well as an unhealthy kick-as in watching almost every show television has too offer. I have been happy-as in a smile, as well as sad-as in... well if I cried, tears. So as I see it, I have had somewhat of a seesaw of happenings over the the past while. The more I think about it there has to be a life teaching lesson in my findings about myself. After thinking about it even more, mainly with the side of my brain that I think with most-yes the silly daydream side, I think I can write a parable about my past week. Of course my intelligent side of my brain is begging me not to try. But here goes. Since this is the first thought I gave to what Parable even means, I checked on Dictionary.com and this is the definition.
1. a short allegorical story designed to illustrate or teach some truth, religious principle, or moral lesson.
2. a statement or comment that conveys a meaning indirectly by the use of comparison, analogy, or the like.

Once upon a time in a dark closet, lived a rope about 10 feet long. It is a thick rope, both ends are worn and patched with tape. Right at the midway point this rope a red ribbon tied around its waist. This rope was used roughly, but was not used every day, just in certain seasons. Simply it was rope but more complicatedly it was a tug-a-war rope. Children would use this rope. It was used in gym class. It was never treated with much respect but was so important in the outcome of the game. The game of Tug-a-War. Kids would divide up into teams on each side of the rope. Each side had kids that were different sizes different shapes different smells. Each side had its fair share of small kids but each side had the one big kids that would try to rally the troops. Next the kids would line up on either side of this rope and would hold tightly on to their side of the rope. Yanking in unison each side would pull their hardest to try and pull the other side toward their side of the room. If the red ribbon crossed the determined area then the one side of children would win. Usually they would dance and trash talk to the other team, pointing at the weakest on the other team and yell "you had no chance wimpy!" This is what this rope had to live with during its life. Even though it is not always used it is the only device that can be used in the gym class game of Tug-a-war.
(OK the meaningful part, I think)
Once upon a time in a dark mind, lived some will power about a mile long. It is an invisible desire, both ends are stubborn and patched with longings. Right at the midway point of this will power, a final decision is tied around its choices. This will power was used frenziedly, but was not used on every little decision, just in most life's main issues. Simply it was will but more complicatedly it was a tug-a-will power. Minds would use this will. It was used in decision making. It was never treated with much respect but was so important in the outcome of the decision. The game of Tug-a-Will. Convictions would divide up into teams on each side of the will power. Each side had convictions that had different morals different belief different motivations. Each side had its fair share of irrelevant ideas but each side had the one big conviction that would try to persuade the other thoughts. Next, the convictions would line up on either side of this will power and would hold tightly on to their side of the will. Yanking as one big thought each side would pull their hardest to try and pull the other beliefs toward their side of the decision making pool. If the final decision crossed the frontal lobe then the one side of thinking would happen. Eventually the final decision would feel good and make fun to the losing thought, pointing at the weakest conviction on the other deciding factors and yell "you had no chance wimpy!" This is what this will power had to live with during its life. Even though it is not always used it is the only device that can be used in the decision making process of Tug-a-Will.

Well what I guess I was trying to get at is I feel i have been having a tug-a-will with myself over the past week or two. Pulling your self in different ways trying to come up with a path to take is rouph on the body, mind and spirit-judging by the buises that have appeared and the bags of ugly under my eyes that have appeared I have been playing this game pretty hard. So I guess there is a better way to come to a decision. Draw straws.

Until next time.

Memento-by-Boris

2006-09-12T20:44:00.000-05:00

(One Hour Ago)
The day was just one of those crazy days. One in which everything seemed shuddersome to begin with. The temperature must have dropped twenty degrees in the the past hour. Nothing really made any since. Both the moon and the sun seemed to be fighting over who had control of the sky. It was humid but at the same time one's skin could be chilled by the inconsistent winds. Something was up, and at the same time something was going to go down this night. Something big. Something that might not ever be able to be explained. It just had that feel to it. The streets were quiet except for one area of town. Neon lights filled the street corner with an unpleasant glow. It was now dark, and four light footsteps, four shuffling footsteps and two indiscernible footsteps could be heard. It was an eerie sound, one that caused the streets to be deserted and small children to clinch their mothers leg in a trepidation. It was in the next hour that life in the this small town would be changed forever. But at this moment, time appeared to stand still, stars lost their twinkle and it seemed that everyone in this unsuspecting town inhaled a deep breath at the exact same moment. The next thing that these folks heard, would be the last normal memory many of them would have this night. For at this moment there was a unusually loud creaking of an unusually large door...

(Fifteen Minutes Ago)
The place was a wreck, like a bachelors room right before a lady friend comes to visit. Just plain crazy. Not one person could even form the words to describe what they had witnessed for the past fifty minutes or so. No one had thought it was possible. No one thought is was real, but they all agreed, what happened that does not happen every day, not even once in a blue moon. Exspecially to this small quiet town. There was broken glass everywhere, ice cream everywhere, liquids of all kinds all over the floors and walls, tread marks on the floor, and some other food all over the place-some of it all mashed up. A manager shuffles through the wreckage and can only shake his head in amazement over what just happened. He mumbles to himself something that sounded like, "I feel like that was a dream." He starts picking up random objects off the ground each bringing back a memory of the past hour. Just then he leans down and picks up a spoon....

(Twenty-five Minutes Ago)
NO ONE COULD QUITE BELIEVE IT!!!! What was happening! There was what appeared to be a small imaginary creature running rampant throughout the room protecting people. But right when people would think, "there's no way that could be a small imaginary creature running rampant throughout the room protecting people," it would disappear. It was a sight that was just icing on the cake on what seemed to be the most amazing forty minutes any of them had ever been through. This little creature would seem to fly from danger to danger in the room, saving one man from getting run over, to saving a woman from slipping on a mashed up hot dog wiener. And just like that he would disappear again. That is when a few people started catching on that if you believed that this small creature was there to protect you then he would do just that! This caused people to try jumping off tables face first on to the ground just so the little imaginary creature would swoop in and save them from a nasty head ache. But something started to go wrong. It had to do something with the fact that for some reason ice cream was being served throughout the room. The small imaginary creature could not make it to people in time, people were getting injured ice cream and spoons preceded to fly across the room. What started as a strong belief in a protecting little creature had suddenly turned into a food fight of epic proportions. And that is the last any saw of this small imaginary creature. The manager wiping some ice cream from is sleeve bends down and picks up a envelope that has yet to be sealed...

(Forty Minutes Ago)
No one was prepared for what was happening at this exact moment. The largest turtle anyone ad ever seen was spotted getting into a small race car. He barely fit into the little car. It also took a good five minutes for him to get in the car and get the door shut. He was a turtle, mind you. But that is when it happened. He started driving around the room Ricky Bobby style. FAST! This scared the room at first, people were running around spilling their drinks, throwing their chairs, and of course picking their jaws off the floor, because they did just witness a big 100 year old turtle position himself into a small race car and continue to drive around tables weaving in and out of people. The fear slowly resided and people started having fun with it, cheering on this crazy old speeding turtle. Smiles filled the air again. But the fun took a weird turn that no one could have predicted, not even by the smelly guy in the corner that said, "Wow, you don't see that every day!" A worker came from the back of the room holding a stack of what at first looked like papers. She was not paying attention to the fact that a 100 year old turtle was being cheered on by many while skidding around the room at a rate that would blow your mind. Well she walked right in front of the speeding turtle, he swerved as best he could but he did clip her leg, she dropped her-what looked like papers- amazingly enough, into the car window and he crashed into a group of tables that were full of drinks. A few men rushed over and what they found was beyond their most imaginative thoughts. All that was in the wrecked race car, was a shell half the size of the 100 year old turtle they saw crawl in the car. All over the damp shell were unsealed envelopes stuck all over the poor turtle. He actually began to shrink until he was gone. It was almost more then this group of men could take. The manager came by at this moment and said to the group of befuddled men, "next rounds on me." This seemed to snap the men out of their disbelief and put a grin back on their face. The manager studied the wreck, he too was amazed at what just happened. It was not the first time he was amazed tonight, and assumed it would not be the last. He then bent over and picked up a half of a hot dog wiener...

(Fifty minutes ago)
No one could believe what they were looking at. Not in a million years could what they were looking at really be standing in front of them. It was hamster. But not any ole hamster, this hamster looked like a dwarf hamster. The only way to even begin to understand this, was to understand that not only was he a dwarf hamster he was also Siberian. He was standing on a bar stool and immediately had every ones attention. He screamed out in a schreakingly high voice that he was going to hold a contest! A contest that would involve hot dog wieners and noses. The room which already had a look of amazement, now had a look of confused amazement. This quickly ended when the peculiarly shaped hamster explained the rules and the prize of this contest. "If you can fit two full hot dogs up your nose, you will receive two things from me. One, you will receive a free dental examination and two you will get a kite that I have welded out of the lightest wood I have found in my travels through out the world." The confused amazed looks were now replaced with huge smiles. For this group responds joyously to the word free and they all get in line to join in on this game. The Siberian Hamster then shows the crowd what is expected. UNBELEVABLE, was the emotion of the collective crowd, for the dwarf had just somehow shoved seven weenies into his nose. This caused about half the group watching this unbelievable feat to drop their drinks with a shatter onto the floor, and stumble out of the line. The other half stayed in line and started attempting to shove two hot dogs up their own noses. NOT one person came close until a hottie from the back of the room strutted up to the front of the line. She was a diva. If there was not a Siberian Dwarf Hamster shoving links up his tiny nose, every eye would be on this gal. She did, and with relative ease, get both of the hot dogs into her nose, impressing almost no one. It was a short time after she won that something no one was ready for happened. She started walking up to the hamster for her free dental examination, and while on the way up there she started applying the most heavenly looking red lipstick one has seen upon her perfectly crafted lips. It seemed to take the attention for the second away from the tiny hot dog engulfing hamster from Siberia, so no one knows what really happened. But right before this beautiful woman got to the bar stool, the hamster exploded. Nobody could tell you before this night what it would be like if a tiny foreign hamster exploded, but from then on each of them would have it burned into their minds, that it is almost just like a package of ballpark franks exploding right in your face. Unbelievable was the mood. Everyone sinced it coming into the room that night, the air had seemed weird. The manager came out from behind the counter with a mop and broom. He leaned over and picked up a little book that was laying on the floor. He read the cover, The Complete Book of Jokes...

(Fifty-nine-and-a-half Minutes Ago)
So this Siberian Dwarf Hamster, A Jawabalee and one of those big 100 yr old Turtles walk into a bar...

Until next time.

Who's Blog is it Anyways

2006-09-06T21:55:00.000-05:00

In the spirit of Longhorn football season being under way. I the spirit of Cowboy football season a few days away. And in the spirit of Saturdays being spent on couches all over this great nation, I wanted to have a blog that included the audience. I know that for me that means it should be more in the spirit of a rained out pop warner football game, but still I wanted to have some crowd participation. I tried it once before to get a vote on one of two pictures I should write about. Well that vote came to 2-1 and I think one person voted twice, to negate my one vote. So I am confident that this time there will be a flood of responce:)

I kind of want to do a simple questionaire. And since this is my blog for now, if i kinda want to do something, that is all the permission I need to go ahead and do it. So with out much extra thoughspillage, because my mind is in high gear tonight, I would appriciate if at least 3 people could answer these 4 simple questions. I need a topic for a short story. And like the t.v. show staring Drew Carrey I need some help with a few of the main parts of this story. I will then tabulate the results most likely using the fingers on my left hand, and then i will use all ten fingers and I will create a story of insperation, wonder and most likely confusion. But it will be in your hands what the story will be shaped as. So keep that in mind as you spend probably thirty seconds making up your mind. Here we go. I am making it multiple choice incase you draw a blank, but I incourage you to come up with your own ideas as in answer D.) Sweet... now go.

1. Who should be the main character for my story? A.) a boy B.) a girl C.)a dog D.) _________fill in your own.

2. What should be the main characters occupation or hobby? A.) a student B.)a blogger C.)a elephant trainer D.)__________fill in your own.

3. What should be the main characters special talent? A.) Mind reading B.) juggling C.) Healing D.)________fill in your own.

4. What should be the main characters weakness? A.) Snakes B.) the opposite sex C.) clowns D.)__________fill in your own.

I know bad questions. For extra credit you can just give me an idea. You are probably the only one that is going to respond, if you ever even do that, so I'll just use that one. Haha.
Until next time.

I Tried, but Failed.

2006-09-01T01:10:00.000-05:00

Have I really lost my mind
Has this turned into a bind
Had I sleeped instead of stopped,
Do you think my level dropped?
Does this mean that I am through,
Did you know that I have no clue.
Shall I share with you one fact?
Will you please invite me back?
Should it spread from this page,
Could truely begin to show my age.
May I finlly confess to you,
Might it show why I am blue.
Must you wonder, what do I mean,
Can my conscience come so clean?
Could this be the end for now?

Yes it is. I am in mourning. I typed an intire blog about drugs, while on a laptop in my kitchen. It was 1:45 in the evening when my thumb hit the mouse pad and subsequently selected the entire text... So, in my quick thinking I decided the best thing to do at this precise moment was to hit the space bar. The end result was that the entire work I had just written dissapeared. I deleted a blog before I posted it. That was a first, it was consiquently the first time I have ever sobbed while writting a blog. I know what you are thinking. "Why don't you delete blogs before you post them more often?" Well insomnia is setting in tonight. I am sitting at the dinner table and three squirrles just came into the kitchen with instraments and are playing songs in high voices.

Until Next Time

Dirty Questions Washed and Folded.

2006-08-30T00:31:00.000-05:00

Well, it is a Tuesday night, and that means one thing! I am just not sure what that one thing is. I did however start some laundry tonight. While for most, the idea of doing a few loads of laundry would constitute as a relaxing evening, filled with the simple joys of reading a book, watching TV or checking mySpace while waiting to fold some nice fresh warm clothes, for me it is not quite as simple. I have watched a few TV shows, I have checked mySpace and I have looked at the book growing dust beside my bed but I have not had a relaxing time mainly because I have been trying to think about what to write. Doing laundry is not rocket science but it is no walk in the park. So, inbetween loads I have decided to come up with a few questions I have had about doing laundry, then I figured I would go ahead and answer them for you too. This will save you from having to go to Google.com or your mom to find out the answers.

1. What is laundry? I remember the great feeling of getting home from school with my Fraggle Rock tin-can lunch pale and running up the stairs straight to my room to play with my G.I.Joe's. Sitting on my bead each Monday and Thursday afternoon were stacks of folded clothes. My clothes. "Wow," I would think, "a fort!" And this fort would act as a concentration camp for my prisoners, the Transformers. Next I remember my first year of college, when after six months of wearing the same clothes over and over and never getting a date, I did, with the help of the whole wing of my dorm, my first load of wash. Eight quarters later, I had no idea what to do with the warm clothes that came out of the contraption, so I ran with them to my room and threw them in a pile on my bed. "Wow," I remember thinking, "a pillow." I know of course that laundry is neither a fort or a pillow, but that it is a pile of clothes that gather on your floor over the course of anywhere from one to seven weeks, that you split into two groups(lights and darks), wash, then dry and finally fold. This whole process is caled laundry.

What is a perfect load of wash? The answer to this is still a work in process for me. I do know some of the basics however. For starters don't put brand new red sweaters in with all your tidy whiteys or else you'll end up with a never ending supply of Superman briefs. Another basic is to take important documents out of your pockets before you wash your pants, it is hard to get in the Zoo when your summer pass looks like a dried up spitwad. Anyways, I do feel I am getting close doing a perfect load of wash. My last one was my closest to date. I'll describe it. It was a "light colors" load, I had only one dark thing in there and it was a black sock that must have been hiding when I divided the dirty clothes up. I had only about 11 shirts, 16 pair of slightly red whitey tighteys,(how I had more roos then shirts I have no idea) and a pair of jeans. It easily fit into washer and I washed it in a Warm/cold cycle, for no other reason then that is what it was set on. I transferred the load to the drier used a FreBreeze Bounce Ultra Clean Fabric Softener and then preceded to check mySpace while they dried. Well, everything was going so well, and when the buzzer went off the 7th time I went to check my clothes. I pulled them out one by one laying them out carefully to reduce wrinkles. When I come to my jeans they are in shambles. One leg is twisted as if the dryer tried to wring the water out of it like you would with a towel over the sink, the other leg was wrinkleless. Figuring that it could be worse, I counted this as my best load of wash I have ever done(then I scolded myself for keeping such useless statistics about myself).

3. What is the correct way to fold clothes? If you want detailed expert tips on this I am sure you could watch Project Runway and learn some good ideas, but if you want a rouph explanation, read on. Socks: Match all the socks that are the same and tie them in a knot. For the seven that seem like that have no match go by length and tie the ones together that are within 2 inches of the same length, then only wear those pair with jeans. Never fails. Underwear: tri-fold, then fold in half. Then set the few pair that are not a scary shade of red on top and set them in a drawer. You never know who will be snooping.Shirts: This is simple. Go to Wal-mart, and I think it is isle 12A and purchase about 45 hangers. Hang each of these shirts up right when you get them out of the dryer and "whalaa," you have only slightly wrinkled shirts to wear all week. Shorts: Fold in half and put in drawer, preferably not in your desk drawer. Jeans: I have no idea. I have tried everything I know and they are always wrinkled. Pretty much I think the only solution is to just keep buying new jeans or ask a pro. OK, these are only suggestions I repeat. The best way always is to have your mom do all the laundry, because then that means they will be folded properly as well.

4. How do you get tomato juice out of a nice $90 shirt? I don't know. I would suggest just getting nine $10 shirts at Wal-mart so that if it happens again you can just throw one away instead of being upset.

5. What is that buzzing sound that keeps going off?? Oh! That is my last load of clothes. I got some tri-folding of red roos to do and a pillow to get to my bed.

Until next time.

My United States of Change.

2006-08-28T00:27:00.000-05:00

You all know me and know that I can carry on for a lengthy time about almost nothing at all and somehow I can make something interesting and logical seem boring and confusing. Well I don't plan on stopping that trend, because I think my insomnia brain is at it again. It has been in high gear all weekend thinking on a great many things, and I am going to try and pull out of it a thought that crossed it not too long ago. It has been rumored that I am 43 years old from some of the tabloid pictures that have been surfacing, but it is really a reality that I am a healthy 28 year old. And while that may seem old to you third graders that stumble upon this in computer class, it is quite young to you 80 year olds that will never read this because computers have not been budgeted into the local nursing homes yet. Anyways, I have however allowed my busy brain a few thoughts about the fact that being 28 means one thing. That you most likely graduated from high school 10 years ago. It also means that your insurance goes down, as long as you have not has three really bad wrecks and four speeding tickets, and two unpaid parking violations, but that is irrelevant. Ten years removed from High School also translates into a ten year reunion. And after all these unnecessary words that I like to describe as filler, I get to my point, or my thought.

I got a message from an old friend, that I have not seen since I was still in high school, the other day. In that note was a simple request, that on the surface seemed like a easy request, but once I started responding it was a very thought prodding, mind bending, sleep zapping request. "Fill me in on what you have been up to over the past ten years!?" See, seems simple enouph. But not to someone who can think a mountain from a mole hill. But that is what I did. I thought on it. To be honest I thought on it like five seconds before I started writing my response. "I have been in a constant state of sameness," I found my fingers typing. That is when I had to stop and really focus my attention away from other thoughts. What did I just type? "state of sameness..." Obviously my fingers and my brain came up with that with on their own. But it did strangely enouph cause me to come to the conclusion that they were right. I have been in a "state of sameness" over much of this past ten years.

While I am not taking a huge crack at myself, because I am probably the best at not changing that is out there, I do realize that it might be time to change. It is either change or I will be 38, still rent a house from a friend, still eat Sugar Pops cereal every morning, still wear Doc Martins to meet girls, still part my hair down the middle in what looks like butt cheeks on my head... oh wait I did actually change that, although reluctantly at first. Now that I see old pictures of it, I realize that not only did I do myself a huge favor, I did North America an huge favor as well. My sameness has carried over to my wardrobe as well, which has been publicly ridiculed on many occasions. I have Izod shirts that date way back to when they were not cool to wear and you could get them for six bucks at Sears with a coupon. I still only have a pair of trendy jeans, and as it was pointed out to me earlier I have not one, but "a few" trendy shirts. The thing is, it can be proved with help of pictures that some of my trendy shirts I have worn, have shown up in pictures that date 1998 as well as 2006. Scary I know. I still have the same bad sleeping patterns. Well, a pattern suggests that it is consistent, and I guess that is true, because I pretty much do not ever feel I am ready to go to bed each night. The unwritten checklist of being ready to sleep would have all checks(tired/check, late at night/check, brushed teeth/check, checked mypace/check), but I still find myself laying there going over every possible senario life could take in my head, or getting up and getting on the computer and spitting out words at an alarmingly misspelled rate. Scary I know. Movies and music have also been in a pretty still state, I have only recently figured out that there is newer music on the market then Bon Jovi, Areosmith, and Enya. I think I will always love movies and if I am stuck in sameness in regards to my movie watching I feel I will be ok with that, maybe I will watch more with my eyes closed as to help compensate for my sleep issues:) Furthermore, I have done the same thing at work(I have said "Have a good day" with a smile over a million times I am pretty sure), I have dated the same non-existent girl(yes you read that right) and I have hung out with the same buddies every weekend(we tend to find some form of trouble to get in) for the past 10 years. Amazing huh? Well, while I can't say I regret any time in the past ten years, because I think that is pointless and it will get you no where except a size 8 straight jacket, shipped to 34 Raddison Road and placed in room 233 for three months and 12 days, I can say that it has been instresting to look back in my thoughts and see how not much has changed. Anyways, the future is called the future for just that reason because it is not the past. That is a sentence only someone that is so tired he can't sleep, can come up with. So, as of tonight, I am waging war with the state of sameness that has been ruling my body for the past ten years. My United States of Sameness is going down and I am hoping to replace it with something much more exciting and fulfilling. If My United States of Lotto Millionaire does not pan out then I believe I will settle for My United Sates of Change. It's a ten year term so well see how it goes.
Until next time.

A Poem that is Best Read With Eyes Closed.

2006-08-16T01:12:00.000-05:00

As I sit here so tired tonight,
and thinking of a blog to write.
My eyes are red and my body spent,
I don't know where my mind just went.
Things are great, the night is young,
in four more hours I will see the sun.
I have no thoughts just jumbled jargon,
So if I confuse, you'll have to pardon.
For it is quite late, and I am tired,
Yet my insomniac brain, is all wired.
It seems to wake up at this time each night,
blending on high, once I turn off the light.
It thinks of this, it dwells on that,
It remembers a face, it replays a chat.
My thoughts get in fights, sometimes a rout,
Some thoughts go in, and they never come out.
I think on some dreams, I think on some fears,
I remember some thoughts that come with some tears.
Some thoughts are grand, and others are lost,
But at this hour, most seem to get crossed.
Meaning some get crazy, yet others stay chill,
If thoughts were a liquid, an ocean I'd fill.
Wave upon wave, thoughts enter my brain,
and it is a blog, that can act as a drain.
So forgive me each night, if I start to bore,
fileing these thoughts, has been quite a chore.
If thinking were a test, I would get an A-plus,
the fact that it's not, keeps me on the short bus.
For when it gets late, my mind can go bonkers,
As far as I see here, I can only use yonkers.
It is now three hours until I see the sun,
my brain says its just starting to have fun.
This is what I deal with, each and every night,
Though I've tried to stop it with all my might.
I'm weak when it comes, to controling my head,
I know the simple cure is to just go to my bed.
Yet sitting and writting, seems to win each time,
as does ending each line with a dumb little rhyme.
It is getting so late, and why don't I stop?
It's my brains fault, whould ya lake to swap?
I'll take your silence, as a polite decline,
and try hard to stop, these thoughts of mine.
Because I know you think, this will never end,
I should let you know now, I've yet to begin.
So grab a blanket, and close your eyes,
put up your feet, and just relax you guys.
For I am about write, what i think will be,
the shortest peom, you will ever read.
It came from a thought, I had tonight,
Just minutes before, the morning light.
I have been thinking for the past few days,
just how to word it, the most perfect of ways.
And then tonight, in what seemed like a year,
my mind grew strong, and my thoughts so clear.
I wanted to share, the shortest of qips,
a little phrase, to be said by some lips.
So prepare yourself, prepare your minds,
for this may be, the the best you find.
Long borging poems, can be quite a drag,
but a quite little saying, has has no lag.
So I leave you with this, one last rhyme,
please don't be mad,

Until next time.

A Reality Sing-along Broadway Show Bad Idea

2006-08-02T02:43:00.000-05:00

Could you be yourself if cameras followed you around constantly and you were forced to live in a house, on an island, or in an office? I have trouble being myself in front of a crowd of five let alone the whole world. Anyways, reality t.v. of course is all over the television right now. Nothing is sacred. Weddings, honeymoons, births, barmitsvahs, getting arrested even just plain old normal family life(Osbornes and Hogan Knows Best) have all been turned into reality shows. Recently I learned American Idol try outs are coming to town and that means one thing. I had a thought, that snowballed into an elaborate dumb idea. Which further means you get to now hear my pitch for a Reality Broadway Musical.
If you stuck around to read about this idea then you are in luck. Because if marketed right I think this could be the best musical every to come out of Broadway, except Cats of course. Anyways, the beauty of this Reality Musical is that there would only need to be one cast member. I assume you are rolling your eyes now, but I am serious. Actually the main cast members would be from the audience that come to each sold out performance. The idea is that most people I know, heck everyone I have ever met, likes to sing. While a lot of these people are actually good singers some even being great, the majority can not sing very well. That is until they are put into the right circumstance. So, while my Reality Sing-a-long musical would be marketed toward every level of singer, I feel the people that would enjoy this musical the most are those of us that have below par "on our own" voices. Knowing nothing about musicals except that they are broken into ACTS, I have insomniacly come up with a four ACTS. Weather or not you want to know what they are, I am going to bore you with them any ways. I will creatively start off with Act One.
ACT ONE-GETTING WARM:
In front of the curtain the star of the show, the one paid cast member would enter from the left. This person would be me, mainly because that is who I keep picturing as that person, feel free to place your self in this position if it makes it easier for you. So, I would come out on stage to a packed house of screaming women all wanting me, and I would explain to them the events that are about to take place, sharing with them that the whole audience is the cast, and as much crowd participation as possible only makes the show better. I would them dip behind the curtain, then a five second pause, then the curtain would fly open at an alarmingly fast rate. What would be on stage will be almost to much to behold for first time viewers...For it will be a lone grand shower sitting there in the center of the stage. The tune Hey Jude would start to play and that is when the audience would notice that I am in the shower with a mic. I encourage everyone to sing-along with me in the shower. And in a shamefully off key tone I would lead the audience in singing the Beatles wonderful ballad. And during the song 20 more showers would some how rise up on the stage, and assistances would grab random audience members and lead them to the different showers. They would be all kinds, some would even be dirty to resemble a batcholer pads shower. In each stall there would be fake water spraying and there would be a mic in the shape of a bottle of shampoo that the audience members would belt the tune into. Whitney Houston's, I Will Always Love
You would then start playing and the crowd would go crazy and be in a frenzy. Video cameras would be capturing the shower singers and the mics would be pumped through the speakers at an even louder rate. The mix of good to bad singers would be awesome. And the whole audience would be in tears they would be enjoying it so much. I would be out of the shower, in a towel and I would be ridiculously muscular and not grey headed and I would be pumping the crowd up even more to try to really get to the high parts. This ACT ONE would close with a Poison Ballad, probably Wind of Change because I like to whistle in the shower and hence I figure that means everyone else must like to as well. And it would be a good transition to ACT TWO.
ACT TWO-GETTING READY:
Here I would explain to the audience that the seats they are currently sitting in are special. And at that moment out of the top of the seat in front of them would appear a vanity mirror. I would share with them that this segment is all about singing your heart out into the mirror while getting ready to go out. While the last of the whistling is playing from Wind of Change, I would step in front of the closing curtain, still in my towel because no one cares they are too busy wiping tears of joy from their eyes. I explain that I will need 30 volunteer singers for this ACT and I would pick out a wide variety of suckers to come up on stage. As we all stand in front of the curtain I would explain that they will be standing behind the mirrors that will appear and that they should sing their lungs into a couphing frenzy if they can. About that time the curtain would whip open at a wickedly fast speed and there would sit 30 varying stations that included mirrors of course and hair brushes, curling irons and all sorts of stuff to use as a microphone. At that moment Breakfast at Tiffany's by Deep Blue Something would start up over the overhead speakers and the whole place would be rocking. The video cameras would be ignored my the wannabe singers that get lost in singing in front of the reflection of themselves having the time of their life. The next song would come on to a deafening roar of anticipation and joy. For the next song would get things rocking a bit. Simi-charmed Life would then come on by Third Eye Blind, only because I have drawn a tired blank of what else could play at such a spectacular event. SO I would quickly change it to Justin Timberlake which would be followed by ear piercing screams by all the girls. Cry Me A river would play and the main fun of this part is to see how people dance to the beat in front of their personal mirrors. This section would end with a classic by one of my favorite artists because I would have control over what songs are played until people that know what they are doing are hired to do this for me. Anyways... The crowd would then sing to the classic Give a Little Bit by Supertramp. This would get the audience time to try and harmonize together. Every one would now be taking pride in their bad singing, and hear it less, and would begin to feel that they are solely responsible for keeping the show going. It will be so great to see. It will all be on film. And their would be an intermission at this point for everyone to talk about either A) How good the show is or B) Why did we pay this money when this is what I do at home.

ACT three is still a few moments away, but in blog terms it is probably a few days away. Check back and see how my life changing play ends, or just go grab your MP3 player and belt out some of your favorite tunes. Let me know what song you'd like to see sung in this history changing musical. I might be able to get you some front row seats if we use it. Until next time.

You Never Get What You Paid For

2006-07-28T00:50:00.000-05:00

I have been in vacation so i have been unable too funtion as a bad wighter(i.e. this sentence). But these tens days off have cleared my head, blistered my face and also prepared me to figure out one of life's lessons. "You never get what you paid for" Bare with me....
I learned that if you reach your credit limit on your credit card that they will send you a letter that does not say, "You are in debt, and will be judged harshly in Heaven!" It does say however, "We are happy that you, our honored spender, are reaching your limit. As a reward we are going to raise your limit, so that you, our honored spender can continue to have fun." Amazing. The small print I found out after I had already had the fun reads, "Since we are allowing your fun to continue, we hope you find that the 19% raise in your APR (bringing it to 57%), to be fair and reasonable. Thank you our honored spender." Not Amazing. But this caused me to think, as pretty much anything does, and I started to figure out what using a credit card to buy small unimportant things does. It turns them into extravagant ultra-important things once you get them paid off. Allow me to digress. You can purchase a small item on your credit card, mainly because it is easy, but through a process called "hahahahaha your screwed," interest is tacked on to this small item causing it to really cost you like a million times more then what you paid originally. Anyways, to tell you the truth, and I never lie in these blogs:), I came up with five real life examples of this phenomenon.
----ONE -----
Pizza from Little Ceasers is cheap. Buying a classy Italian Resturante is not so cheap. Always take cash with you to pay for a pizza, or else you will end up paying for way more than just heart burn.
ORIGINALLY SPENT---$6.11 on large Hot-n-Ready pizza.
PAID FOR A---$61,930.45 classy Italian Resturante that takes credit cards.
----TWO----
Running out of batteries to control the remote to the T.V. is a bad hindrance especially when Growing Up Gatti is about to come on and you don't know how to turn the T.V. on at the base. You better remember your Lincolns if your going to make a quick trip to the corner store to make this purchase. It is next to impossible not be enticed by cold Big Red while there picking up the batteries, at least for me it is.
ORIGINALLY SPENT---$4.78 on two AAA batteries and a 79ounce Big Red.
PAID FOR A---$6,230.32 flat panel 79inch television that has no batteries and a $4,900.00 bottle of 79 year old wine(stainless steel cork screw included).
----THREE----
Shopping during a sale is a good thing, we all can admit that. But bargain bin scouring, drive-all-over-town price matching, liquidation hound shopping is an art only a few people possess. But it is important to note, if you are this person you should not use your card to pay for any of these "deals." I am not one of these people but all I had was plastic one time at the Kohls "Once In A Lifetime 99% Off Sale."
ORIGINALLY SPENT---$13.22 on two pair of untrendy fake cotton Polos.
PAID FOR A---$113,334.87 closet full of custom made trendy not-fake silk Armani suites(comes to just five suites actually).
----FOUR----
Not wanting to smell bad is a goal of almost everyone not living in France. But cash is the way to go when it is time to restock the Clear Stick long lasting deodorant. It almost may be better to move to France and stink rather then charge a b.o. blocker.
ORIGINALLY SPENT---$3.45 on everyday no-name brand of 24-hour protection pit spray.
PAID FOR A---$33,984.00 surgery that replaces your glands that produce bad smells with a gland that emits smells that attracts women($472/month x 6years =$33,984 if you wanted to know.) Because, I did.
----FIVE----
Enjoying cultures of a distant country should be a requirement in life. Eating exotic foods, drinking a foreign drink even traveling to a land and soaking it all in. Another good way is the try the Hookah or Nargile, a smoking devise that comes from the ancient India and Turkey. The taste is sweet, often tasting like oranges even if it shouldn't. Bring a Benjamin to these special times though because it is better to smoke with friends then through a Visa.
ORIGINALLY SPENT---$14.50 on a Hookah filled with oil saturated something.
PAID FOR A---$150,000 truckload of pure 100% Columbian Cocaine. Why it paid for this exactly is not quite clear to me. I have to check the fine print on my statement.

Until next time.

p.s. I was going to write about Hookahs and its wonderful history. But since I was just introduced to them tonight, I have decided to wait a few days. That way I would know everything and pass it on to you.

The Perfect (Healthy)Omelet, Almost.

2006-07-17T23:30:00.000-05:00

Hello everyone. 'One' being the key. This is a great week. Would you like to know why? No, it is not because Fraggle Rock is in talks to make a Hollywood movie, even though that is awesome. It is the simple fact, that I will be out of the country in 4 days. Puerto Vallarta to be specific. For those of you that don't know it is the best place on earth somewhere in Mexico. It gets even better. Not only will I not be working, but I will have an ocean view room,unlimited sun as well as countless opportunities to people watch. When I say people watch, I of course mean female watch. And when I say female watch, I mean bikini watch. I know that could seem a bit sexist, for some reason. I heard it said just recently the point that it is weird that the girls that are embarrassed if they are seen in their underwear or what not out on the street are the same girls that wear a dental floss bikini two sizes to small on the beach and not be embarrassed one bit. Anyways... I am getting distracted... I will be in Mexico, I will be ooggleing and best of all, all my food and drinks will be gratis. For the non-Spanish speaking reader, that means FREE. And that is just what I mean, I will be getting all the food I want and all the drinks(by drinks I mean ALCOHOL) by just snapping my fingers and a midget in a tux will bring it to me. Ok, so I may be over playing it a bit but I am excited about the free food especially. I know that is hard to believe if you know me, but the fact is, I have been having to make my own food the past 11 days and have been eating healthy and while I am proud of myself for doing it, it has been painful. Mainly in the breakfast area. I have attempted to make an omelet the past 11 days and have had two fire alarms go off, had several arm and hand burns, and 10 crying spells. I feel it is safe to admit this because my reading base is as small as an anorexic's ideal dress size. Anyways... This morning JULY 17th, 2006 I created The Perfect Omelet, almost. I say 'almost' because it happened to be the first one that tasted, smelled and looked good, so maybe it could be better. I should also interject here, that this would also be catigorized as a healthy omelet, which at first thought you would think that means it can't taste good. You are almost correct, but if you follow these simple steps I believe you will enjoy your mornings ten fold, because you will have made the The Perfect Healthy Omelet, almost.

INGREDIENTS: This is the easy part. Just buy some Southwestern Egg Beaters. Yes, you guessed it, these are eggs that do not come from chickens(even though the box clearly states they are). I think they come from a machine that separates all the evil(yummy) parts of an egg and then squirts what is left in to a huge mixing bowl the size of a welfare house. Then another machine that somehow makes salsa(green chilies, onion, spices, tomato) squirts its concoction in to the bowl and a huge helicopter with a spoon tied to it then stirs these two into one happy family. Next a little conveyer belt with 4 ounce boxes, made from recycled corn stalks, conveys by an opening at the bottom of the huge bowl, where with the sound of a whoopee cushion squirts the "egg beater" into the box. Then it is shipped to H.E.B.. So, just pick up one of those, as well as some Canadian bacon slices. Surprisingly to note, there are healthy Canadians and unhealthy Canadians. You want the bacon that is made from the healthy ones. Some low-fat cheese is optional, mainly because I keep forgetting to put it on my omelets. And that is all the ingredients you need, unless you are like me and need to by a skillet, a spatula and protective goggles. Opps... One more thing, some Pam oil spray stuff. Get they healthy kind again, or else the whole thing doesn't work.

DIRECTIONS: Here comes the hard part. Omelets may seem easy to you, but it is because through great trial and error and error and error, I figured it out. First, get a pan set it on stove and turn on the stove. This may seem like an unnecessary step, but I found out that it is necessary the hard way. Next, slice up two pieces of Canadian bacon into little squares. And throw them into the pan. I hope you remembered to spay a little of the Pam spray onto the pan before you did this. I mentioned this after putting the Canadian bacon in the pan(which is on the heated stove) because I have yet to remember to spray the pan first. I tend to spray it while the bacon sits there. I hope that is why the CB tastes so good, and I also hope that doesn't gross you out. So the Canadian Bacon is cooking. Through experience, the stove does not need to be too high for this part(more on temp later:( I need to warn you about something. Canadian Bacon tends to jump into the air once it starts sizzling. Sometimes, onto your face. This is why I wear protective goggles. So, I need to really make a big deal about not having the stove to high, for this next part. KEEP STOVE ON LOW. I mean real low. Because next, with the Canadian Bacon still cooking, pour about 1/4 to 1/2 cups of egg beater into the frying pan. If you hear an immediate sizzling and popping and egg beater starts looking like a lava pit, then the stove is too high. I started my omelet making on as high as my gas stove would go, thinking that it would just mean I could eat the omelet faster. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I burnt it and it was so hot I had to wait twenty minutes for the fire to go out and smoke to clear before I could not enjoy it. So, what I am getting at is to let this baby slow roast. This morning I put a timer on it and it took about 6 minutes, just enouph time for me to take one of my famous 5 minute showers. Once the top begins to look cooked you will want to sprinkle cheese neatly across the center of your circle of fake egg healthy omelet. Next, use the spatula and fold one side up onto the neatly laid cheese, followed by simply lifting the other side up on to the middle. It should look nice and neat and perfect. If it doesn't and you feel like chunking it across the room and crying, that is ok, it took me ten times to get it perfect, almost. Move it onto a plate, smile and clap(jump up and down if that is your thing).

ENJOY: If you have survived this whole ordeal. This is the best part. Eat that sucker. Be careful though, with all the Pam that is on it, you are in danger of ruining you your good work clothes with greesey Canadian Bacon droppings(yes, I have had to toss out three pair of cut off jean shorts). But I promise if you follow these simple and extremely drawn out steps you will most likely still want to go to your nearest Denny's and order The Perfect Omelet. Until next time.

Eating Healthy will Kill You

2006-07-10T23:08:00.000-05:00

Over the past two days, which is longer then I have ever lasted on my self imposed diets, I have attempted just that. To diet. To try and somehow sculpt this "Boss Hog" waist into a lean mean hard body. I know that makes me lauph too. I am really just attempting to get to the point where if I take my shirt off at the beach, the pool or lets say my room, that the ladies do not exit with haste. There are two things that have been a hurtle--no wait--a brick wall in my quest for being fit. They are Fast Deep Fried Foods and the ever so encompassing urge to sit on my ass and do nothing. I usually combined these two, lets call them hobbies, daily, usually three times a day in fact, unless the urge to sit on my ass and do nothing over takes the urge to eat something greasy. I am sure you know I maybe over play my problems a bit. So let me assure you, I can still move pretty quickly on the basketball court and I can still climb one flight of stairs with out breaking into a profound sweat. But it was three weeks ago where I had a "hello stupid?" moment. I was on the basketball court(yes the one I claimed I can more quickly on
) warming up to play in a game for the next hour and a half. WARMING UP! Next thing I know, I am bent over out of breath and for some reason craving a double quarter pounder from Mc D's. This couldn't be happening, I am athletic I thought to my self and then wheezed. Anyways, being hardbigheaded, I struggled through the game and after being revived by perimedics at half time I made my way to Mc. D's(logicaly), and that is when it first started happening. My desire to better myself actually overtook my desire to do nothing. I now felt very close to making the decision to get back into the gym, but first I was going to order this single quarter pounder! Hey, it's a start.
Well, I sat on my ass and struggled for about two more weeks and then this past Friday I decided to go ahead and make the drastic choice I had been dreading since 3rd grade. I have completely cut out fast 'grease dripping' food from my diet. This may seem easy to most of you that read this, but I on the other hand in the past six years, have probably filled two land fills with the amount of fast food trash I have accumulated. But NO MORE! I now am making my own food, packing a little-low carb-lunches in handy tupperware(which I never knew existed). And you want to know what? I'M STARVING...I found that when I rely on me to make a full meal for myself, I suck at it. I thought I was going to die of hunger pains today and I was craving Sonic so bad that I thought I might die. The worst part was that after work is when I was my hungeriest, and that happens to be the time when every day for the past decade I had a nice fast food meal, neatly wrapped in silky paper and handed to me threw my window. I was determined to hold strong though. I did snap at the people at the post office, but once I explained to them my predicament they just lauphed. Ok, I am now seconds away from the house, passing the last temptation on the way, when it dawns on me... I still have to make my food! Crap. A two tire screetching u-turn in heavy traffic actually crossed my mind, but I am proud to tell you though as soon as I made it in the house, I found some healthy things to snack on and preceded to make a nice meal of beef shish-ka-bobs. I even had enouph to fill a tupperware bowl so that I can take it to work, tomorrow. I am so glad I have made it this far in my healthy diet(torture), even if it is only hour 43(feels like 10,043). I have a trip to Mexico in 10 days, and I am hopeful I will save on luggage space by not having to pack so many t-shirts to cover my 'donut storage tanks'. I am also hopeful that I will not have broken down and robbed Wendy's either due to hunger and fast food lust, or died from my body rejecting this new kind of food being introduced to it. Ok, ok its all about being positive. I am still alive (barely)and I am sure I have already added three minutes to the end of my life with eating so healthily. At this rate I might live long enouph to go on a date. Until next time.

The next blog will be better.

2006-07-10T01:32:00.000-05:00

I realised exactlly what keeps me going. Procrastination. I like to put things off until the very last second, leaving next to no time to finish it, and it is always stressful. This is no way to go about life... but the thing is I think I will put off writting a blog until tomorrow. That way I can sleep now. Until next time.

The Fourth of July for Dummy Faces

2006-07-06T23:47:00.000-05:00

Hope everyone had a good Fourth of July. I had a great one, kind of. I spent it reliving a favorite childhood past time, just in a dangerous way. When I was a child, years and years ago, my parents had 23 medium to large size oak trees in their back yard. I prided myself on the fact that I could start at one side of the back yard and make it to the other side of the yard, without touching the ground all while setting foot on each of the 23 trees. Yes, I could do it, i did it all the time. And I loved it. The thing is, I was a top heavy 95 pounds back then and I treated climbing trees like a plumber treats a toilet, with ease. I am now double that weight and bottom heavy, and add to that picture a chainsaw and you have a picture of me on the Fourth of July. I chopped down what seemed like half of my old climbing grounds. Me and my dad made a nice clean looking canopy over the whole backyard.
Perfect job, except for that one last limb that needed to be chopped, but it was way up in the trees. "Hey, your a athletic young man!" I thought to myself, "why don't you shimmy up that tree like the good ole days and cut that limb down?" Ignoring the craziness of talking to myself, I thought it was the best idea I had had since changing from boxers to briefs. I proceded to make my way up that tree like a pro. I did have too stop twice to catch my breath, which seems like it would have reminded me, that this was not what happened in the good ole days but, I got to the branch I needed to chop down pulled my self up on it and nestled myself in what seemed like twigs right above that limb. Taking a minute to let my sweating subdue to a mild trickle I lowered the rope I brought with me down to my dad, in which he tied the chainsaw to this rope and in turn pulled it back up to my paws. Needless to say I had to take another few minutes.
Let me explain the size of this limb I was about to chop down, it was medium size but large enouph to kill a boy scout troupe if it fell on them. I was cutting out a sizeable area of this tree, and mind you, I was about 25 feet in the air. My next memory was a combination of two phases that filled my head at once. As I asked myself, "Is this the best angle you should be cutting this limb from?" my mom's voice echoed in my head, "GET DOWN FROM UP THERE THIS INSTANT!" This caused me to forget to answer the question I asked myself, and it also put me right back into the good 'ole days! I used to love to scare my mom by swinging from trees, jumping from one tree to the other and even by falling from the trees. Luckily my head broke the fall each time. So, there I am waving my mom off, sweating profusely, breathing heavy, starting the chainsaw and about to cut off this main limb. One more time I heard myself ask something, "Ar ou ure his is the r ght an le?" The noise of the saw allowed me to shrug off the question, thinking it must have been myself asking myself for some water or a damp cold cloth. Well that is when it happened the crowning moment of the day, that large branch was about to fall from this mighty tree. With the cahinsaw about 3/4th of the way through the limb, I heard my self screaming at my self... "ST P CUT ING, D MMY!!!!" I heard the tone of my voice and recognized it as urgent, but the saw was too loud to know for sure. This is when I made the split decision to just go ahead and finish the cutting motion before finding out what was being yelled at me. I then turned off the saw and sat there covered in sweat and woodchips, and asked myself what it was he was trying to tell me. All he responded with was, "You dummy." Being easily drawn into name calling, I proceeded to call myself a dummy, but added face after dummy. Next, it was my mom that wanted to chime in with her usual, "How are you going to get down?" If I had dime for every time I heard that growing up, I would have been able to afford those Converse Allstars I always wanted. Suffering from dehydration and being a bit of a smart aleck, I sassyly replied, "I will jump down to this limb and then it is a piece of cake from there. I have done it a million times! GOSH!" Next, in what seemed like practiced precision, my mom and myself both exclaimed, "Better think again, Dummy face!"
Crap. That limb I was planning to jump down to--that was so easy to get down from--was now laying 23 feet down, on the grass, no doubt having mixed emotions between pain and sheer joy in the fat that I was screwed. Mustering up all the confidence I could, I replied, "I'm fine." Time to size up the situation: I have to make it 15 feet down a 3 foot in diameter oak tree to get to the next useful limb, my mom, myself and a tree limb are all lauphing at me, an I feel like I have just run in the Iron Man Classic. After taking a rest, and lowering the saw to my dad, who was surprising quiet through the whole ordeal,(I later found out he was arguing with himself about letting me go up that high in the first place)I came to the decision that taking my shirt off earlier in the day, to show my pale skin some sunshine was probably one of my worst ideas in months. For the only way in which to get from point A to point B,(A being where I was, B where I needed to get 15 feet away) was to shimmy down the tree, bear style, till my feet got to that next limb. Lets all think about this senerio. Bare stomach and arms, tired stomach and arms, 15 feet, oak tree. All of this added together makes for a memorable Fourth of July for sure. In fact it has been a memorable 5-7th of July as well, as I am reminded of my stupidity every time I move. Well, I hope all of you listened to yourselves better then I did this past holiday. I know that I will be paying way more attention to dummy face in the future. Until next time.

Bragging for Dummies

2006-06-30T00:11:00.000-05:00

I woke up this morning and I had a revelation. It was too early to be waking up, so I went back to sleep. But the next time I woke up(eight minutes later) I had another revelation. I needed to write a blog like I used to. I should start off by telling you what I have been up to, then delve into the boring part, that is unless you always skip the part about my going ons because you think that part is boring. Anyways, point is until dues are seriously talked about at the next house meeting, this thing gets written pretty much just the way my fingers and brain decide it should be done. So, on that note, I watched a movie tonight, and if you must know the small details I did watch it alone. I viewed a movie about futbol hooligans, called Green Street Holligans. It was a British movie starring Elijah Wood and a bunch of other blokes. There was much fighting, a bunch of drinking, many foul words scattered in and back stabbing. Basically, if it was made in America it would have been based on fraternities. Seriously though, it was a good movie that taught some important lessons in life, but mainly just showed that the human face can take more punches then you would have thought other wise. Another prevalent occurrence in the movie was the consistent use up bragging. That got me thinking... what doesn't, I am sure your thinking. I know I don't know all that much about bragging(not a brag) but I do think I know more then all of you(a serious brag) so I thought I would whip up a few guidelines concerning the art of bragging. In no particular order....

Bragging mucst be BALLSY - Sorry to start with ballsy but it starts with B. OK, say you have reached a point in a conversation or an argument where you need to reach inside yourself for a brag, you can not come to the table with a week hearted tall tale. You need to always bring a strong and ardent brag or else you run the risk of not being taken serious. To be good a brag needs a bit of an edge to it.
Examples:
Bad Ballsy Brag - "My mom says I punch harder then both my sisters combined, so why don't you sit down before I show you what she is talking about."
Good Ballsy Brag - "These fists are banned in 49 states because of their deadly might, you want to be the reason it is all 50 states?"

Bragging must be RUDE - There is no such thing as a polite brag. Bragging is to be used in a discourteous manner. Bragging is to make you seem, look and feel better then the other person and there is no way to achieve this if your brags are anything but disrespectful.
Examples:
Bad Rude Brag - "My mom got me this awesome watch, it is way better then yours."
Good Rude Brag - "I have the best watch of any one on the street, because my dad is rich and powerful, and your dad is unemployed."

Bragging must be ABSOLUTE - Bragging needs not to have boundaries, but it does need a precise point. Bragging needs to be straight forward and spoken with heart. You can not be wishy-washy with a brag. This shows weakness, and a stronger bragger will pounce on this. If you are in the middle of a serious bragging session with a friend about fishing, do not brag about anything else while bragging about fishing. You must have an absolute and stick with it. (Hey, it started with A)
Examples:
Bad Absolute Brag - "My mom says I run faster then the wind, and I have a penny that is older then dirt."
Good Absolute Brag - "I have drivin a car over 200 miles an hour right by a cop and he didn't even pull me over, seven times, each time in a different car, each car over 80 grand!"

Bragging must be GRANDIOSE - When bragging, nothing is worse then a brag that fizzles because it is to blase. A good brag is a showy brag. A bad brag is a stale brag. If you are going to use bragging to show people you are better then them, why just be a little bit better? Use the opportunity that bragging supplies to really make the other person feel crappy by making your brag the best brag it can be!
Examples:
Bad Grandiose Brag - "I hung the moon, according to my mom."
Good Grandiose Brag - "I was once being hunted by a battalion of blood thirsty Japanese Soldiers, hell bent on capturing me and tormenting me within inches of my life. I was able to elude this group of about 190 soldiers for 5 weeks with only a Swiss army knife as a weapon. I was able to slowly take them out one by one, until it was just me left in the jungle. This happened on 7 different occations. I single handedly won that war. I am the best soldier on the planet. Hoo rahhh!"

So I guess as a recap I will point out that I am the first person ever to come up with such guidelines and not only the first such list, but the best such list because they make a acronym. So just remember when you are arguing with a friend, co-worker, boss, carnival workers or anyone, if you feel you need to one-up their story with one of your own, use my time tested guidelines to successful bragging.

GREAT BRAGGING IS:
B-bold
R-rude
A-absolute
G-grandiose

Until next time.

To be Lazy or Productive? That is the question.

2006-06-28T01:27:00.000-05:00

Until Next Time.

Heat Wave Goodbye

2006-06-21T00:46:00.000-05:00

I have a big confession to make. No, it is not that I know every ABBA song word for word, I thought you already knew that. It is that... I for the first time since the Spurs were ripped from the NBA playoffs so heartbreakingly, watched another game of the playoffs. I actually ended my ban of the B-Ball tournament just for the hope of seeing what I saw tonight. The Dallas Mavericks and Mark Cuban lose. Do not get me wrong, I did not watch to see the Miami Heat win, I just wanted the team that caused my Los Cucos Mexican food to not settle for two weeks in my stomach(Mavs), to fall from the playoff in dramatic fashion, just like my Spurs did. I am not usually a vengeance filled person, but for some reason I took it personally that my Spurs lost that night at Los Cucos. I guess I did not cheer loud enouph or bang the bar hard enouph, something I did must have caused that loss. So I held the burden of blame that the "other Texas team" was going to win the championship this season. Well me and Manu Ginobili were going to share the blame for is insane foul. Well to be even more honest, Manu and I would actually take responsibility for one forth of the loss, where the refs would receive the other three fourths. But non-the-less it has been a heavy burden to bear. My legs have never been stronger, but I am so happy that it has been lifted off with the Heat winning the Championship. Man I can see the headlines now... A HEAT WAVE HITS DALLAS! That shouldn't make me happy, but it does and I am sorry if it doesn't make you happy. In fact I will take this opportunity to switch gears and talk about something that just came to my mind...

A HEAT WAVE HITS SAN ANTONIO! Is is hot or what? You don't have to really answer that. I didn't have time to call the Weather Channel to confirm this, but I am pretty sure it is the hottest June ever since 2005. I did how every have time to check my thesaurus and I agree with it that not only is it hot here in SA this week but it is also safe to say that it is baking, blazing, calescent, flaming, ovenlike, piping, roasting, scalding, sweltry, thermogenic and torrid. The heat has even reminded me that I need help with a problem I have been having lately. No, it is not problem of trying to learn what trendy is, that is a severe problem. What I am getting at is I have had bad sweaty back the last three days, when I have gone for my lunch at about 2:00 in the afternoon. It is becoming a problem. I hope your not eating as you read this. Anyways, I have thought long and hard about this for about 5 minutes and there are a few things I think I can do to help this problem out. If you think of more please let me know.
1.) Stop going to lunch. This seems to be the easiest solution on the surface, but when you take in to account that I am a lover of food, and I need it like wild out of control kids need a "Chill Pill," you quickly see that I need to leave to get lunch somewhere, preferably a buffet.
2.)Leave Car Running With AC on When I Get to Work in Morning. Again another idea that seems good on the surface. Unfortunately I do not get paid enouph to fill up my car every day at lunch because the gas burned up. And this would in turn cut into my eating time, that just will not work. As for getting rid of sweaty back these first two idea would be ideal, and I would still get to EAT!
3.) Lose Weight So Sweaty Back is Harder to Obtain. Wow. I think this is the only way to really eliminate sweaty lunch back, with out moving to Iceland. That would involve working out not eating out. Scary concept but it just might work. Because this idea gives me nightmares I will skip to idea 4.
4.) Wear Dark Shirts to Hide Evidence. Yes! Problem solved! I have a great Miami Heat dark navy shirt to wear! Hope that goes with my black cutoff jean shorts. Until next time.

A little more about me...

2006-06-20T00:48:00.000-05:00

I figured that since this is my blog, I can do with it what I like. And I would like to take about five minutes of your time to talk solely about myself. You may be thinking that , that is all I do on here anyways, and you would be wrong. Most other times when I talk about myself, I have been lying. So this one will be straight forward, honest and should have very few parts exaggerated. I was thinking about how exactly to type about myself in a way that would let all the people that don't know me to well outside of the internet to really get a grasp of what I am like if I am seen in person. I figured the best way would be to pretend that I am standing in front of a huge audience of my readers, ok... well a semi circle of fold out chairs in a living room would be more like it. I thought it would be best to type what I would share if this were a live audience. So here goes.

me: Hi, welcome to my parents living room, they graciously stepped out for their evening walk so that I could have the room to myself and have you all over. My mom did make her famous and my favorite, M&M cookies, so please help your self at any time.

person in audience: Do you still live here?

me: Yes, it is just temporary though. Let's move on...

person in audience: Aren't you almost 30, why do you live here?

me: ummmm, twenty eight is a long way from thirty, and I did stay in a dorm in college. But I will have a question and answer time later if you would like to hold all....

person in audience: Why don't you move out, dork!

me: ummmmm... Because right now I am trying to save up as much money as I can so that I can travel the world and meet hot chicks from new and exciting countries! I Was going to start my speech about myself actually with sharing with you that I like to tre....

person in audience: What happens when you tell the "hot chick from new countries" that your almost 30 and live at home?! HAHAHAHAHAHA

me: ummm. First off, like I said twenty eight is no where near 30, and second of all, I would hope that any respectable girl would find my honesty in sharing such a tidbit would find me desirable.

female in audience: No she wouldn't, she would find it creepy and slap you. Why do you still live at home, dork? hahaha

me: Trust me pretty lady....

female in audience: Don't call me that, or I'll break your arms.

me: Ummm... aaaa... I was just going to say that it is not a permanent housing plan. I have goals and aspirations. I will have a great job and make six figures one day, and I will be a great husband...

person in audience: No you won't.

me: Well, you are certainly in titled to your opinion, but that is just what it is your opinion, not the groups...

the whole audience: Yes it is.

me: Ummmmm.... shall I continue..... I'll take the silence as a yes. Travel is not my only love. I also love movies. I own about 350 DVD now and I.....

person in audience: You really are a dork.

me: Umm please hold all comments until the end, my parents only make two laps around the block and I am hoping we have time at the end to talk about the possibility of dues being paid to read my blog. I was thinking that....

person in audience: You have to be kidding. What are you going to charge us for these terrible cookies too? Dork.

me: Well, that is voluntary actually, the little jar next to the cookies is supposed to be for tips, but don't feel obligated. As for the dues, we can take a vote at the end of this...

whole audience: We all vote no.

me: ummmm... I respect your choice, shall I continue?

whole audience: NO!

me: ummm... So, I guess that brings this to a close, I am glad you all came out tonight, and would like to answer any questions you might have besides "why do you....

whole audience: WHY DO YOU LIVE AT HOME WHEN YOU ARE ALMOST THIRTY!!!!! Dork!

me: please leave.

whole group: Gladly.

me: **cry**

UNTIL NEXT TIME

p.s. Just to clear some things up. I do not live at home. Twenty eight IS a long way from thirty. I do like to travel. I am not a dork. And I wouldn't really cry.

The World Cup o' Tea

2006-06-12T01:14:00.000-05:00

Let me start with a quick explanation of why I have not written a blog in over two months. I was conducting a test. I wanted to see if anyone would miss my blog. And since only one person did I just about gave up on it. But that one person, kept hounding me to write another one, so I gave in and am back at it. Oh yeah that one person, was me. "So, lets get started, Kev." "OK! Kev"

June is proving to be a busy month for sports fans. I will attempt to share with you(and when I say you I am implying me)my incite on each of the sporting events that seem to be filling this month. I guess I will go in order of importance starting with the least meaningful and shall end with the best, mainly because that is how I would like to read it.

WNBA Regular Season - I have to admit that I am not a fan of women's basketball. It has too slow of a pace and not enouph dunking. Strangely enouph, if you took down every persons name that attended a WNBA game and compared it to the Legalizing Gay Marriage petition, they would be about 90% identical.

NHL Championships - This seems like a sport I would really like. I like to skate. I like physical play. There is no jumping involved. And it would be perfect for my short temper. The thing is living in Texas my whole life I was never introduced to the sport. So I just small glimpses of it here and there. Though I like to watch the fighting and I like to see people get splattered into the wall, I still can not put it above any of the sports left.

College Softball Championships - I have to admit that I do like to watch girls softball. Just in little doses. Though there is a good amount of "butch" softball gals, I find that over half are an athletic hot. They don't get higher on my list of June sports though because they chant the entire game in unison, and they all throw like girls.

Major League Baseball - There is a reason most people you talk to about baseball say it is boring. That is because it is. I can really only watch baseball in the Fall and only then because we only have football on the weekends. Lately all you hear about baseball is the fact that almost 75% of the players are cheating dummies and their leader is Barry Bonds, so that has turned me off of baseball for the month at least.

College Baseball Championships - To me college sports are always more exciting then their professional counterpart, except in table tennis, the pros rule that one. So for baseball it is nice to see true competition going on in June, from athletes that play for the right reasons. Well, they play there asses off so that they can make it to the big leagues to play for money instead of for love of the game. If bikini clad women would walk the bases holding up what inning was about to start I think attendance would go up.

Wimbleton - Tennis is great to watch, when I remember too. The women's field is filled with scrumptious eye candy, and the men's field is so deep right now that it makes for good matches all around. But now to talk a bit about the down side of tennis. It does get a bit repetitive, and there are next to zero fights.

NBA championships - I do love the NBA. I am just really mad at it right now, so it is with great effort to put it this high. I can not believe David Stern scripted the Spurs to lose to Dallas. Though I am banning the Finals this year because I am bitter and a sore loser, I have really loved the Finals 3 out of the last 8 years. The Spurs are still Champions in my eyes. I have been wearing the pair of disposible contacts for over 2 months though.

THE WORLD CUP - The World Cup for those of you that do not know is the Championships for Soccer. Not the US Championships, the WORLD Championships. Teams play for 4 years to qualify for the chance to be one of 32 teams to be invited to play. This is really the truest world contest there is. I heard that audience wise, it is four times larger then the Olympics, so that means it is a really big deal. It has taken hold of me as well this month. It is the only sporting event I have watched. I have watched all or part of every game that has been on so far, which shows I am a true fan, and that I am still single. Countries pause their lives for one full month while they follow their countries progress in the Cup. The USA does not. I wish we would be cause not only is it fun to watch(I know this is a controversial statement, but I also know that I exaggerated a bit too), but I think it would be more fun to be a fan of the game. They have more team spirit then any fans I have ever seen, besides some Raiders fans. They get to riot and it is encouraged, I think. I mean look at these fans.

Where else can you see this kind of pure enjoyment, besides Chuck E. Cheese of course. So I challenge all of you(me) to watch The World Cup this month. You might find out that is better then you though, better then all these other sports going on right now. Until next time.

Weddings, Taxes and Razors.

2006-04-19T00:11:00.000-05:00

Let me start off by saying that I know it has been some time since I have last blogged, and it is well known the reason behind not blogging. That would be the My-Space Evil Empire and I apologize. But what is done is done. And we all need to move on or some how find a way to co-exist. Anyways... Here are my thoughts on a few things that have happened to me, almost passed me by, and cut me.

It is no big secret that I am smart, however it is a secret that I am smart. Let me explain:) I have had a realization over the past weekend. I am literally growing up before my very own eyes. It is quite amazing. I fisrt noticed it while I attended a good friends wedding last weekend. The wedding showed me that I am nowhere near that, that being having even a date. It did however, spark my first serious thought about weddings and marriage since last time I saw Wedding Crashers. That is when I knew I was growing up before my very own eyes. No longer did I think that this was something to put off and put off, it was something I needed to do, and do quick or there could be serious consequences. I of course am talking about filing my taxes here, for I learned this week that it is so much smarter to file your taxes in February, rather then April 15th with 6 million other people, especially when you are getting a fat return. And, yes I learned this the hard way, but I still did learn something and that is all part of growing up in front of your own eyes. I know now that it is sometimes better to do things the right way so that it does not come back and burn you later. I am talking about shaving now, of course, for I have finally learned the correct way to shave with out your neck catching on fire and looking like you tried to hang your self with an extension cord. The secret is to use the new Gillette Fusion. It has five razors, all designed and created for comfort. And a sixth one.... but I am not sure what that one is for yet it still is the best thing that has happened to my face since Snow White kissed my cheek at Disney World(last may). It makes growing up in front of your own eyes easier to look at too. It also shows that it is just so important to pick out something that will bring a smile to your face and work well with you, and help you better your self. And of course I am talking about marriage and weddings again:) So it is these three life changing things that are not only easily interchangeable but life shaping as well. The three of them have taught me more in one weekend then I have learned in 28 years of watching Monty Python's Meaning of Life. I know I am the better for making these connections, hopefully you are two. Now, you go and find your own connections in life's everyday journey. Just watch out for Until next time.

Blogs-on-Demand

2006-04-04T01:50:00.000-05:00

Let me start by saying that this is weird. I haven't done this in so long it might take me 15 sentences or so to write something that is worth reading. So, for that matter, I will talk about what I have been up to for the first 12 sentences. I have been getting older. I don't mean just 28 days older, which is how long it has been since I have written a blog. I also don't want you to confuse my growing older with me growing wiser, for unfortunately that is not has not been the case either. I have however treated my body so badly that it(my body) has teamed up with, most likely with my mom, to nearly disable me and make me feel old and decrepit.(Ok, I apologize to the seriously old and decrepit, but I also know that if you are seriously old and decrepit you are not on computers.) Ok, so I have attempted over the past couple of months to do things I have done my whole life, which are listed here in no particular order... stupid. I am athletic(kind of)always up for a game of basketball or video games, I did however have a notion that I was also a great football player, even though I never played it. So what do I do? ok ok ok I am way past 15 sentences, and you don't care, so on to more stuff...

I want to share with you my new hobby. Tivo and On-Demand television. I shell out 8 extra single each month to have this technology pumped right into my room. YES, a clicker's reach away from my bed, and computer chair. And it is sad(what isn't when you really know me) but that is where I spend every waking hour. I have watched entire seasons of shows that I do not even care about just because I can. I have watched every series on HBO and Showtime, all while keeping up with Lost, 24, Amazing Race, Deadliest Catch, Pimp My Truck, Greys Anatomy, Boston Legal, OC and Sponge Bob Square Pants. It is really amazing(read: sad). I have sat in this room so long staring at the TV I am starting to look very pale and my eyes are falling to the back of my head. It is really amazing(read: exaggerated). This weekend I was informed about a channel that I did not know existed. Exercise-on-Demand. Channel 980 or something. The thing is you can bring up Pilates, Yoga, Stretching, Abs, Running, Meditation classes at any time. Now, I really don't ever have to leave my room but to eat and go to work. It is really amazing(read:amazing). Well, it was amazing till I just attempted a level two Abs class taught by a Nazi with steel abs. I am now forced to write this blog laying on the floor, because my abdominals hurt so bad I can not get myself off the floor. It is really quite amazing(read: "I need help!") So, I think tomorrow I am going to try something that sounds easier like this one I saw on there, "Breathing made Easy". But the whole, Tivo and On-Demand stuff is pretty cool, I just wish I could better limit myself to how much TV I watch a night, because it has gotten out of control lately. But hey that is my life's weakness, not knowing how to or when to stop doing things that are bad for me. Like right now it is 230 and I should be asleep, but I just can't seem to stop and go to bed. It is really amazing(read: no it is't). So on that note I will show a bit of control and go to bed before it gets much later. First, I got to watch a show though! Until next time.

The Three Burials of Kevin Morris

2006-02-26T23:48:00.000-06:00

Before you all start cheering and fighting over my belongings, I did not really die. I did not even almost die. I just saw a movie this weekend by Tommy Lee Jones, and I liked the title so much I figured I would steal it. The problem is I do not know how to make a blog or a story coincide with that title. But I will try anyways.

Burial one. I took a huge step this weekend. Not distance wise, because I have short legs, I mean mentally. I killed off one of my personalities. One of the ones I seldom use. It was the personality that controls all of my fashion taste. I decided that other people need to just pick clothes for me, maybe even dress me too. I have no idea what trendy is. I had a slight idea one year when I bought a pair of jeans that came with bleach wrinkles in it, and I wore that pair every time I wanted to feel trendy. But about two weeks ago that pair split open and I was back to wearing Walmart brand highwaters. I am so far behind the times that I still think my Doc Martins are trendy. I know that most of you have even forgot that these shoes even existed, but I know of one pair that does, and is used quite a bit. I was going to wear them out on the town this weekend and I was stopped in my tracks by my more trendy friends and they told me that I could not wear those shoes out in public with them. They preceded to lock me in the bathroom and they went on their way. So I figured it was time to just do away with that personality all together. I will have to give clothes picking out duties to a different personality, one that is not overloaded with duties. That would be my books/reading personality. This way maybe I will start to pick clothes that look good. I am good at judging a book by its cover so maybe I can use that mentality when I go to the mall or Solo Serve next time. The main point is however, that I did bury my fashion taste personality.

Burial Two. My second burial was more a dream I had this past week. I had stayed out late on a work night, had been to Cowboys, and had had a few adult beverages. All of these mixed together with paranoia that I wouldn't wake up in time for work and be fired, made for the best recipe for crazy dreams. In this dream I was me, but I was a me that had been created in the image of Steve Erwin. If you do not know who Steve Erwin is, he is the bloke who when people are running away from dangerous life taking animals, he is running at them with a goofy grin, an accent and bare hands. He is the Crocodile Hunter if you still need help. Anyways, in my dream I was catching ferocious varments and snakes with my hands at ease. With each dangerous animal I caught, the harder the task got. I went from catching a squirrel, to a jackalope, to a badger, to a bald eagle. Then the tougher stuff started happening. I caught a skunk, a rabid fox, a small alligator, and a rattle snake under a rock. Next, was a huge crocodile and then the grandaddy of them all was about to take place next. A nest of water moccasins 12 feet deep in a river of heavily flowing water. I think my real life extreme fear of swimming underwater onto a nest of water moccasins caused my dream self to hesitate when he shouldn't have, because, the next thing I know I am dreaming of myself being vi=olently attacked by what seemed like 300 snakes. I was covered from head to toe in snakes that had a firm grip of my skin with their fangs and I was flailing my arms and legs.... Ahhh I was doing the same thing in real life, flailing around on my bed, kicking the covers off, and sweating. Needless to say, I was up in time for work because of not being able to get back to bed, and I luckily did not have to go through with the end of the dream, where I would be buried at the bottom of the river.

Burial Three. In keeping with the movie in which I took its title, I will leave the third burial up to the audience to read into. Maybe some of you want me dead so that you can get my big TV or drive my sweet car. Maybe some of you want me to stop having deadpan humor, and write about things that make since to at least middle schoolers. Still others just might think I am dead wrong about both of the last two ideas. So what ever the case, I am going to bury my 30 pound head into my pillow and and hopefully fall dead asleep. Until next time.

MySpace-by-Boris

2006-02-23T00:17:00.000-06:00

Do you remember the old quote your parents used to tell you right after you explained to them that everyone was doing it. "Well if everyone was jumping off a cliff, would you?" Well, I unfortunately would probably jump off the cliff if everyone was, which is exactly why I now have a My Space account. In fact this will take you there. It is not a lavish effort, yet. I have now spent 4 hours on it and it looks like I have spent 4 minutes on it. It is frustrating and fascinating at the same time. I basically already don't like it, but at the same time I can not concentrate on this blog because I am thinking of stuff to do to my My Space page. Basically, I have out dorked myself. But if everyone else is doing it can't be so bad. I heard a stat that almost 50 million people have a my space account. That is a lot of people jumping off a cliff. Anyways, I think the only people that read MyBlog have a MySpace account too so I will refrain from bashing us too much more. You know who is a bit up set with my new friend? My Blog. She sees the writing on the wall that I will be spending much more time with MySpace and she will get the cold shoulder. But that is not true I think I like MyBlog more because she is so simple and laid back. MySpace is a wild girl and I am not sure I am ready to put the time and effort into making our friendship grow like it should. I do think I might lead her on for a while and maybe just make it as a place where you can find a link to my true love: MyBlog. So even as I am about to finnish this blog I realize that MySpace has wasted one whole night of my MyLife. I am up at 2:15 still needing to finnish laundry and still not ready to go to bed. And all I have to show for it is 5 new friends. Wait, it took me 7 months to get five readers on this thing, and five hour to get five friends on MySpace. Maybe I will spend my nights and days working on MySpace just like 50 million other people, 1,2,3... jump. Until next MyTime.

The Six Hundred Penny Man

2006-02-20T01:55:00.000-06:00

I realized something important this weekend. That I am not indestructible. For some reason I always thought I was. Well, I thought I was tough at lest. I entered a flag football tournament with my friends and drove to Austin to compete in it this past weekend. Sounds simple and fun right: throwing the football around, some friendly competition, a good workout and some fresh air. With the weather we have been having all January and February, I thought we would have great 75 degree weather with the sun out. Well, I will have you know it was 21 degrees with the wind chill and the sun was hidden behind thick clouds that produced a steady mist for us, and kicked up a vicious wind. So, trying to warm up my body for the game was next to impossible. Especially after being cramped in the back seat of a car for a hour and a half drive to the fields. Another problem we ran into was the small fact that we had not practiced once for this tournament. So our warm up consisted mainly just jumping up and down and asking each other, "What in the heck are wee doing here?" Well, our first game started and on the first play we got penalized for breaking the rules. Our second play we broke a different one. Third play we threw it to the other team. This is pretty much how the first game went. Actually, about four scrapes, two pulled muscles, a few jammed fingers and a bloody nose happened as well. Not a great first showing. We had a break between this first disaster and the next one so we decided to go back to the camped car and sit with the heater on instead of finding a rule book and learn how to play the game right. Our second game went about as well as the first one. This one had dislocated hips, sprained ankles, muscle tears, and black eyes as well. I had come into this tournament thinking I was the 6 Million Dollar Man but after this second game, the second crushing defeat in freezing temperatures, I was starting to feel more like a 6 Thousand Dollar Man. After the second lost, we mad another decision to sprint to the car and sit, this time we even got fuel for our bodies, Sonic burgers. Great fuel for athletes. We made it back in time for our third game (full and warm) and came up one vote short to just quit and drive home. But this is where our fortune changed. The team we were scheduled to play came up one vote short to even come to the tournament, so we won the game by default. Yes! This was a big moral boost. I was starting to feel more like a 600 Thousand Dollar Man. We stayed warm, had full stomachs and got our first victory under our belts. Time to celebrate. No better way then to celebrate a victory but to drink right!!! Not alcohol, RED BULLS! We raided a Red Bull marketing truck and made out with over 50 dollars worth of Red Bulls. We then proceeded to drink about 30 dollars worth of Red Bull. Now we are hyper and ready to play another game. Winning the one game by forfeit caused us to make the playoffs so we were scheduled to play another team that had not physically won a game, and the winner would be the last seed in the playoffs. We are pumped up now... We get to the field and low and behold, the other team decided that frostbite was not worth beating us and they decided to drive home, giving us our second straight victory. We are on a roll now and have pulled our record to 2-2. I am now high on caffeine and feeling more like a 1 Million Dollar Man. We now get to play the top seeded team in the whole tournament. We gave them our best shot. In the previous 14 possessions our opponents had, we had allowed 14 touchdowns. If your not great at math that is 100% of the time. This game we kept them from scoring on 6 of their 8 possessions. If your good at math you'll have to figure out the percentage on your own. I was diving after players sliding on the freezing ground, running over the opponents, bouncing off defenders, knocking passes down, tearing flags off one after another, scored a touchdown and had a sack! Yes, I am finally the 6 Million Dollar Man. The other team did however did keep us from scoring on 7 or 8 possessions. If you are a math major then you know before most that they scored one more time then we did, leaving us eliminated from the tournament. It was a close game and it proved to us we had what it takes, once juiced up on Sonic burgers and Red Bull, to compete. We still did sprint back to the car right after the loss to defrost and reflect on the whole exsperience. I think the comments that summed up our reflection the best was, "Man, we suck." and "Do your legs hurt as bad as mine?" In total we braved the freezing elements three times, throwing our bodies all around, and slamming them into the ground over and over. Not exactly what I thought we were getting into. The drive home is where I started to feel old and back down to about a 60 Thousand Dollar Man, I kept getting sharp pains in my body and we had to pull over three times to get out of the car and straighten out our legs. We saw the same 90 year old man at each of our three stops doing the same thing. Embarrassing. Our first stop once we got home was a hot tub, in which we soaked in for about three hours. This was a great idea I think. Though I knew mentally my legs hurt, I could not physically feel them because I had them soaked in nearly boiling water for three hours. But knowing I needed a hot tub to soak my bones, made me realize I would never have needed to do this when I was younger, and I now felt like a 6 Thousand Dollar Man again. I made it to sleep that night, had a good night sleep, and when I woke this morning, I turned to get out of bed and my legs did not work, my shoulder did not want to work either, as well as my ribs, neck and elbows. My fingers all were swollen, and my eyes well, my eyes were ok but had a lot of morning eye gook in them. Anyways... It took me 15 minutes to teach myself how to walk again as I tried to make my way to the bathroom. My entire body felt as if I had been strung up by a rope and been used as a pinata. This led me to do what anyone should do that body hurts as much as I do. I went back to sleep and tried my hardest to stay their for the entire day, only moving when I absolutely had to. Typing this blog in fact has been quite painful. In fact I believe that right now I only feel like a 6 Dollar Man. Until next time.

Every Thing is Back to Unnormal

2006-02-16T02:04:00.000-06:00

Well, all of us single people made it through that tough stretch called Valentines, and I heard there was an all time low in suicides this year. Just 6 million world wide. That is uplifting. I do hope all couples had a lovely night on the 14th though. I was treated to dinner by my parents at their house, where my mom made heart shaped pancakes that I enjoyed with strawberry syrup, drowning the short stack of lovecakes, as I carved up each one with a steak knife just for effect. It was nice. We all shared a nice heart shaped chocolate cake with ice cream filling too, and I was able to pick up some mail that got delivered there. So it worked out just fine, thanks for wondering. No seriously, I did go out later that night, on what we called a "singles celebration" because "Four Dorks" was being used by some Chess Club lock-in that night. Anyways, four of us traveled downtown to the River Walk to eat at Landry's Seafood, to acknowledge the fact that we may be doing this every year for the rest of our lives. It was strange being out on Valentines night though, looked like a Three-legged-race convention was going on with people being in pairs. The strangest thing was, that every table in the whole restaurant was set up to handle only two people. So the wait for a table of four was twice as long because we had to waist for two adjacent tables to open up so we could push them together. Another strange thing I noticed was that almost every couple there, was having a terrible time. Most of them sat there not saying a word and fiddling around with a napkin or something. It was weird to see. We on the other hand were having a grand old time, mainly because we were only buying dinner for one, and the other reason is because we must have had 25 drinks and had managed to start a food fight with the cooks. But seriously, everyone else in the restaurant seemed to be just going through the motions of a Valentines date, all of them seeming to be impatiently waiting for dinner to be over so they could get home. Ahhhhh... maybe that is it! they were waiting on getting home to... and I was just starting to feel better about not going on a date on V-day. Anyways, everything is back to unnormal now. I am still writing blogs past reasonable hours, I still can still come up with a new way to great people that come into my work even though I have already come up with roughly 5,000 ways, I am still on page 79 of the book I started last year and I still have not made the "25 Most Eligible Batcholers in San Antonio" list that the Express News puts out every February. I am however an Honorary Mention in this years San Antonio X-box Awards in the category of Most Improved at Halo, thanks for wondering. Speaking of unnormal, I know a large portion(all 6) of my readers live in San Antonio, so I would think that having a mid-February day get into the mid 80's is completely unnormal. So is talking about the weather in a blog. Until next time.

p.s. - Whoever Ted is, this is not some Brokeback Blog so please stop being creepy. If your a girl posing as a guy, call me.

In Honor of the Week

2006-02-13T02:14:00.000-06:00

In being a man of my word, I said I would give my blog something to feel better about herself. I dressed her in blue for so long that I figured she would want to be in pink for a week at lest. It is the little things that can make a relationship last. So here's to another year. It was today last year that I started this relationship. Heres to many more, or at least a real one. Until next time.

Someone Has to be Out There

2006-02-09T23:50:00.000-06:00

Do you all have your plans for this Valentines Day? Do you have your dinner reservations planned, your chocolates bought, your flowers ordered and your cards signed with a heart? I don't. I don't need to. I haven't needed to for sometime. If I knew how to insert lauphter and hissing now I would do it now, because I am sure you six think it is real funny. I think it is sad, but that is for when I am on Dr. Phill. Tonight, I wanted to let you all in on something I have been keeping to myself. I have secretly been involved with a woman. No need for lauphter here, this is serious. The thing is I am not sure she knows it in fact it is not even a relationship, but that is not the point. She has had an amazing effect on me for some time now. It started months back with harmless curiosity, and has blossomed into well... nothing more then that, but she is still special to me. She is a lovely companion, but I am not sure if it will ever work out. There are too many complications that make the whole complicated idea, complicated. She has however meant a lot to me over the past year. She has control of over my thoughts most nights. She is always there for me even though I seldom go to her with my problems, I tend to just joke around but I know she'll be there too if I need to get problems out. A lot of people I know think she is a joy to be around, and I think that is great. That makes me proud of her. She is a hard worker, so it is good to know that others appreciate her as much as I do. But I just feel I have a deeper connection with her then most because of the many times we have been alone together. It is in these times that I have grown to understand her more fully, even though there is so much more to learn. I look forward to spending more time with her so I learn more about her and better understand what makes her the way she is. I already know she has certain buttons that I can push that will cause her to act in different ways, but it is important to learn all the buttons so that I can figure out the best ones that make us both happy. So, what I am getting at is, it is a weird time of year with Valentines Day coming up. I am not sure what to do for her, or if I should do anything at all, because I am not sure she would notice or even care. I struggle this time of year anyways, with being the hermit that I am, but the thought of getting a special gift for someone special is even more hermitful, if that is even a word. I guess I could ask her what she wants. I try talking to her but I don't think she ever really understands a word I say. I mainly just type to her and then she does her magic. So, I do want to do something for her for this V-day, I think I might give her something to help her feel better about herself. I get a vibe that she wants to change a few things and maybe I can help her with that. I guess it I am just making a bigger deal out of this then it is. I mean it is not a crush or anything, it is more of one sided relationship. I actually do all the manual work but she seems to keep everything organized. I do most of the thinking and she corrects me a time or 15. I do all that thinking and she does non of it. I do all the typing and she mainly shows me what I am doing. But we do spend about 3 hours a night together roughly 2-3 times a week. I lose sleep over her, I usually am tired the next day, in fact I am with her right now. I bet you are wondering who I am talking about. I know my parents are probably on the edge of there seats. But sit back, I am talking of course about my blog. I hope all of you have a great weekend and a great V-Day, maybe you can send me some leftovers from your nice meal. Until Next time.

Just A Quote

2006-02-06T00:58:00.000-06:00

"You can be all you want in a dream!"

I heard this quote at the end of a movie I watched tonight. The movie was not that great on the whole, but it did get me thinking about certain things. One of the last lines in the movie, was part of a song, and that was this. "You can be all you want in a dream." Being a professional day dreamer, it just seemed to be a cool phrase to me.

Anyways, it is Super Sunday and the Superbowl was a good one, and I realised that of the 6 or so readers I have I could send one line out to each person. And so that is what I am going to do. Another quick note. This is the 100th post I have made. If you want to send cards and flowers save your money and just send that to me.

Leigh - I hope the move to the new house went great and that you found your alarm clock in the move.

Joel - I hope your doctor visit went well, and that your shoulder injury is not life threatening.

Ashley - I hope school goes great and the test your forgot about turns out to be an open book test. That would be beautiful.

Kristen - I hope you had fun in College Station and you didn't notice any signs of the wild party thrown at your apartment.

People at Joel's Office - I hope work is finding you well and was just going to let you know that I also know that Joel does nothing at work except surf the internet.

Everyone Else - I hope each of you have a day full of..... wait there is no one else.

Until next time.

The "A" Game was Not with Me

2006-02-03T02:02:00.000-06:00

Well I had a blog started tonight. I put some serious time into it and well after reading it , it was not an "A" for effort outing. It was not even a "B" effort. It was definitely a "C+" because I can not produce anything lower unless I fill it with boastfulness. I was going to discuss the differences between watching movies or watching TV shows, and dive into mystery of which one is better. As I was blogging though, I was trying to watch The English Patient, causing me to have huge lapses in thought. It is not a good idea I now know to watch a long sad depressing love story while trying to be creative. So I will try to turn my unfinished blog into a worthy blog at another time. Until next time.

Everything I Understand about Women

2006-02-01T00:25:00.000-06:00

Until Next Time

Matador's and Other Unnoticed Useful Things

2006-01-30T00:48:00.000-06:00

What would be better then sitting on the edge of your fifth row seat, unblinking, and hearing the sound of thousands of others chanting jibberish in unison with you, as a man in tights with a red cape spears a bull in its jugular and blood gushes from its throat until it falls into a dead heap of twitching muscle and fur? Honestly I can think of many things better. But it does remind me of a movie I watched tonight. The Matador. It was about an assassin that looses his mind a bit. It was self assuring to know that even a character in a movie, if cleverly written and brilliantly acted, could be more jumbled up then I. Anyways, the movie was cleverly written and brilliantly acted, by both Pierce Bronson and Greg Kinner. If I had the authority to give thumbs up I would, but that is taken. Stars and Jalapinos are taken too. So is One-thru-ten System. So, I will just give it my own made up rating score of $^# This stands for IT WAS WELL WORTH THE MONEY($)AND IT STANDS ABOVE(^)A NUMBER(#)OF OTHER MOVIES I HAVE SEEN. I'll go into more depth about my rating system in another blog. Because that is something pointless and unnecessary, so it should be easy for me to write a 500 word blog on it. I can go on for hours about stuff like that, it is the serious stuff I have problems with. So with that in mind, I would like to share with you a few things that I used to never notice, but I have since realized that they are quite useful in life.

Shopping for cereal is a treat I save for days when I am really tired, down and hungry. And last Wensday I was all of the above. So I bought three kinds of cereal and a gallon of milk, and some Big Red Fire Hot gum if you must know. Anyways, I got to my car holding three plastic bags, opened up my car door and reached into the back seat to place the bags down when I noticed a small hook behind my seat and about eleven inches off the ground. After staring at it for close to 45 seconds, I decided that it was there to put the handles of the plastic bags I has holding on, and so I did. And you know what? Ever turn I took it too on the way home, I smiled because I knew my milk and cereals were not going to be sliding all over the back seat because of that little hook that I had no idea was there. So for the rest of the week I have been trying to think of other objects of things that have gone unnoticed to my eyes that are quite useful. Low and behold, the next night while eating some good 'ole healthy Taco Bell for dinner in front of the TV, another thing dawned on me. I never use the napkins they give me. Nobody in my house does I believe. I looked at our coffee table and there was a stack of unused napkins from 15 different fast food joints and they were all right there. Brown ones, bright white ones, ones with the company printed on them and some with the company embossed into them. I kid you not, but as I was thinking about how strange it was to have so many random napkins on a coffee table, I spilt my coke all over the floor. That is when I realized why there were so many napkins right there. After I cleaned up the mess, I was on high alert for anything else that was useful with out me really even knowing it. This lasted 45 seconds and then I decided to watch a movie from the cosey confines of my bed. I threw in a dvd, jumped in bed, smiled and then froze. Something was wrong! The remote to control the TV was not where it has been 365 days a year(that being within arms reach). I panicked, I looked high and low and could not find it. I lay there on the bed staring at a blank TV, while I watched the DVD player sitting with the power on. I sat staring for a good 45 seconds when I realized something I had not noticed ever in my life. The TV had buttons on it. And upon closer inspection they had buttons that controlled the POWER, the VOLUME and the CHANNELS. Wow, another unnoticed object has just effected my life. So my goal for the remainder of the weekend was to searched the house, my car, and pretty much everywhere for things that I never noticed before. I found cleaning supplies under a cabinet that I never knew where there, and I promptly shut that cabinet. Then I opened another cabinet that had mouthwash, deodorant, toothpaste in it. That is when I realized that I should have had all these thoughts years ago. So I tried to stop thinking about the things in life that are not always noticed but are very useful. I stopped thinking about it just long enouph to drive over to my parents for dinner(6 minutes and 45 seconds) on Saturday night, and the whole family was over. My brother was there with his wife and kids, my sister was there with her husband and kids and of course my parents where there with there kids. We all had a great time of fellowship, lauphter and had wrestling wars. It got me thinking later that night that the most useful thing in life is family and most of the time we don't even know it. They provide all the love and support we need to get through life. Well.. I didn't see the blog turning in this direction earlier but since it is already turned, another thing I have noticed, is that small things that seem like they go unnoticed, like a smile, a pat on the back, or a simple word of encouragement can brighten someone's day even though it might not be noticed by the encourager. Think about these for 45 seconds. Ok, now there was one more thing I just realized. One of the major thing that I have not noticed lately is sleep, but I think I am going to see if it is useful right now. So in keeping with the more serious topics, my next blog will be on the Seven Secrets of Dating. It will be all questions. Until next time.

1mp0rtant Num6ers in My 1ife.

2006-01-24T22:21:00.000-06:00

Sitting here thinking about what ridiculous thing I was going to share with the 4 of you that will read this on Wed the 25th of 2006, I realized that numbers play an important part in each of our lives. I began to think about numbers that have been showing up on TV and the movies over the past few years. Hollywood has given us 7, The 6th Sense, 21 Grahams, 28 Days Later, 3 Amigos and Shreck 2. Television as made famous 24, 2 and 1/2 Men, and the Lost numbers 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, & 42. Thinking about this led me to begin thinking about numbers in my own life. I spent well over 5 minutes and I came up with in numeric order from largest to smallest, numbers that have been of importance to my life over the past near 28 years. Lets start with a really big number.

2,456,111 - I am not the first person who was born in San Antonio Texas, this many people were born before I was. I was however born with the 17th largest head.
980-2498 - Phone number of my first girl friend. Hahaha Of course I don't remember that :(
1,000,000 - How many black men in suits happened to visit the White House at the same time I happened to be visiting for the first time.
823,555 - What I thought my dad made a year as a boy, after he brought home a Snoopy Snow Cone Maker.
350,000 - Customers I have greeted with, "Hi, How are you today?" and finished with "Have a good day!" as of Jan 20th, 2006. As of today it is 350,341.
123,456 - Always one of my favorite numbers to write.
120,678 - People I know in my dreams.
92,525 - People that witnessed live the Texas Longhorns win the National Championship in Pasadena California in the Rose Bowl. I was number 92,526!
55,000 - Number of miles I have driven on Spring break trips. Over 30 states conquered, over 120 shot glassed collected, and at least 4 nights forgotten. I think I can't remember.
23,417 - Total times I yelled at told to come in for dinner from the time I was 6 until I was 14. Divided out that comes to roughly an average of eight times a night.
10,104 - Total days I have been alive birth.
7,566 - Nights in my life that I have gotten what doctors say is inadequate sleep.
2,449 - Movies I have watched, a combination of movies I have seen at the theater (1,101), movies I have seen on DVD(789), movies I have seen on TV(540), movies I have seen at school(16), and movies I have complete dreamed up during daydreams(3).
1,000 - What I feel I would be more then happy with making and hour.
786 - Number of people who attened my University(of Letourneau). 784 as Engineering Majors and 2 as Sports Management Majors. I was 1 of the 2.
687 - Grey hairs I had before I graduated from high school. My friend Leigh picked 469 of them out. Leaving me with 212 while walking the isle. For the record I now only have 687 dark hairs on my head.
230 - DVD's I own. Yes if you multiply it out I could have a down payment for a house if I had not bought all these.
179 - Points I scored in high school in 4 seasons of playing 22 games a season. I'd prefer if you would not do the math to see what that comes to a game.
99 - Bottles of beer on the wall. We used to call the fridge "the wall."
97 - Blog entries I have made.
76 - Times I have watched Dumb and Dumber. (Insert your own joke here)
69 - Ummmm... Oh yeah, Number of different cereals I have tried.
44 - The number I wore proudly while on the bench during my basketball career.
30 - Books I have read from cover to cover. 679 if you count just starting a book.
24 - Hours I took my last semester of college. Strangely enough I had my highest GPA this semester. Ok enough bragging.
21 - The age at which I had my first alcoholic beverage. Ok enough lying.
14 - Number of girls that said no to me at our high school prom. Of course I only asked one and the 14 others I never really asked.
8 - Number of nephews and nieces I have. All of which are joys of my life. But also are the best source of birth control.
5 - Records I have set in my life. Non of which I can prove.
3 - Times I have cried that I will admit.
2 - My favorite number. For a reason I will not admit.
1 - Times I have been speechless. HAHAH I mean just in writing.

Until next time.

May I Touch on Papers?

2006-01-23T01:22:00.000-06:00

Do you remember what it was like to sweat through the toils of writing a paper for college? Finding someone to pay a $100.00 to write one for me was always real stressful. Of course I am kidding but knowing a paper was due always caused me to feel basically scared. Mainly because I always had a problem with procrastination. And I would remind myself my paper was due for the final time about this time at night the day before it was due. A friend was writing a paper today and it had me thinking back on those nights. Her paper was to be about a handout she got and a video she watched in class on the healing power of touch. So I thought for good ole time I would try my hand at a college paper again. Given I only browsed the article and did not see the video I may not have all the facts down but it was to be a one page log with a intro, body and conclusion, so that is what I am going to do.

The Power of Touch

What do you think of when you think of the word touch? Do you think it is something that is more physical or emotional? Every time we use our hands to do daily tasks we end up touching over 1,000 objects a day. This is a physical touch. When we hear a song, watch a movie or read a note that stirs up feelings inside ourselves, we have been emotionally touched. Touch however, can not be simply split into these two categories, it needs to be explained even further. We must first understand the power of touch before we can understand the real meaning of it.
Touch is the most powerful since of our senses. It is the most healing sense. As early as 1400 b.c. there have been drawings found depicting laying on of hands to help heal. Today many hospitals use touch to help premature babys grow at a more rapid pace. It is a fact that when you are touched by a person in almost any way you will be effected. Either you will not like the feeling or your will. Waitresses that make physical contact during their service to a table will generally get a larger tip. It is because the touch no matter how brief or if it had emotion behind it or not, still had an effect on the customer.
So, touch can not be defined as simply physical or emotional, it has to be a combination of the two. Not in the case of touching an object like a book or a dirty sock, but in the case of making contact with another person. A simple touch can provide a great deal of information. It can convey anger, sadness, love, compassion, tension, nervousness and more all with out needing words to go with it. There are nervous pats, compassionate hugs, tense handshakes, loving kisses, and angry slaps, all kinds of touch all proproviding unspoken meanings.
In conclusion, it is important to not downplay the meaning of touch. We need to recognize it in our everyday lives, and harness its healing power as well. Look at the rise of message therapy over the past five years. People are seeing that touch is very powerful. Wether it be a simple brush up again the hand or a 60$ and hour message, a touch stirs emotions in our minds and feelings that would never be stirred if it were not for the power of touch.

It is late and I haven't written a paper in a good 6 years, and I had no notes or videos to pull info from, so forgive me for this paper. I did start sweating as I wrote it, getting nervous, thinking that I was actually going to get a grade on it today. Anyways, I think I will stick to writing blogs from now on, and maybe lend a hand when friends need a helping hand on papers. I will be there for the finishing touch. Until next time.

Maybe my Worst Blog to Date.

2006-01-19T22:36:00.000-06:00

I know that the hand full of you people that check this site have been waiting patiently for another blog. But unfortunatly I do not have another one ready. I do not have anything ready right now. I do not have anything ready in my life right now. In fact laudry has been sitting clean on the foot of my bed for three days. I think it is turning dirty. I have just not been able to finish anything lately. If I make it through this blog it will be amazing. I started a book last week and was really enjoying it, maybe one of my favorites I have ever started. And you know from past blogs about my reading habits, but for some reason this week I have just not picked it up. I am not uptight about too much but there is one thing that bugs me and it is sitting down to watch a movie and not getting to finnish it. Well again this week has been crazy for that too, I have started two movies, Academy Award calaber movies, and I have not made it to the end of either. It has just been the weirdest week ever in terms of getting things finnished or completed. And I know that I do not usually use this blog to complain about me but it just seems strange. I have been out to eat each day this week and if you have seen me in person you know I do not miss meals regularly, and as you would know it I have not finnished a one of them. I eat half and then for some reason sit there and only read half the article form the magazine I brought with me to read. It seems like I am being tested as to weither I look at life as being half full or half empty. What does that mean? Seems to me that if I am not getting things done and nothing seems to make since this week that it is half empty, but even with it half empty it is still half full at the same time. Ok, so that makes since only to me but I do know I have ruined a blog with pointless babble about the level of my life. So maybe we should move on to the real problem. I think that I am

(p.s. I know I ended another blog in the same way but for this to be a worst blog ever it needed three things, 1. to be unorigional(hince the ending) 2. Be boring(hince the talk of my boring life) 3. gramatically inaccuarate(hince the no spell check today) Until next time.

A Top Ten of my New Year

2006-01-09T01:57:00.000-06:00

The first week of this new year has provided me with quite a few revelations. Some amazing some not so amazing, but all easily explained in a sentence and listed from 10 to 1.

10. Brought in the New Year with a bang, only having to apologize to one person for my actions, setting a new personal record.

9. Instead of gaining 10 pounds over the Holidays, I actually lost weight, meaning I am probably hungry or still in a funk.

8. Made 7 three pointers in one evening playing basketball, breaking my old record of none.

7. Drove over five hours in one sitdown and not once had my mind focused on the road, which explains nothing.

6. Drank five Red Bulls and listened to sad country music for five hours in one sitdown, which almost explains everything.

5. Got so ill one night that I thought I was going to die, which makes this list because I never get sick, and when else in my blog could I say extreme vomiting.

4. Ate a quarter pound bag of Skittles before 9:45 in the morning breaking an old record of 9:45 in the evening.

3. Spent 44 hours out of 72 driving in a van over a three day span, breaking no personal records.

2. Got to tell one of my child hood villians that "I hated you my whole life!" and then snaped a picture of his expression.(see pic below)

1. Oh yeah and I got to wittness the Rose Bowl first hand, watching Vince Young completely befuddle a team that had two Heisman Trophy winners and a winning streak of 34. TEXAS 41-38 USC!

Until next time.

Simple Tips for Setting New Years Resolutions

2005-12-28T00:29:00.000-06:00

What a great time of year! We get three paid Holiday's from work in a span of five weeks, we eat enouph food to cure starvation in Africa, we get presents, we give presents, we steal presents from cars because we have been laid off from work and are desperate criminals, and we come to that point were it is time to set goals for the following year. Setting goals can be quite scary though. Especially when sitting next to the pad of paper you want to write your goals on is last years list of goals with only two things checked off, one being "write a list of goals for 2005". I have to tell you that I am a absolute pro at writing down my goals each year. I meticulously categorize them and can fill a legal size page in just under an hour. In fact I will set a goal right now. I will in the remainder of this blog give each of the 4 of you that read on Wednesdays 5 simple tips to better resolution setting. You may read things that are hard for you to grasp, but I feel that in 4 of the past 9 years that I have set goals for myself I have learned helpful tips. So lets get started.

Tip 1.)- KEEP IT GUARDED - I think that most resolutions are set and shared with others to openly. I have made a goal in the past to go on at least 6 dates during the year. I think I did not meet this goal because I would start my conversation with the girl like this, "Hi, I have a goal to date 6 of you this year, and it would be great if you could be the first. Your eyes are beautiful, and your smile brightens up the room." The thing is I was usually left saying the last sentence to her back as she walked off. Maybe if I would just not be quite so open with my resolution, then maybe things would have gone different, which doesn't explain why I am still dateless, but it does let us all know, what ever your goal is just be sure to keep it discreet. No need for everyone to know what your goals are. That way if you don't meet them that year, not one person will know.

Tip 2.) - KEEP IT ORGANIZED - There is no worse feeling then thinking you accomplished one of your goals and then taking a closer look and realizing that you didn't. This most commonly happens when you have no format in which to set resolutions too. Setting a goal about losing weight and placing right next to saving money, can cause mistakes. You don't want to start being relieved that your on the right track when you are really losing money and saving weight. So I, and I think I am the only one, other then most publishing companies have come up with a super organized way to keep this occurrence from happening. Split them in to categories! Seems easy, but I bet you want to know what categories. And you guessed it, there are 5 of them. Well, to be honest I use 6, but the last one for personal reasons, that you may find helpful too.

1. Financial Goals- This is where you will set goals pertaining to saving money, spending less money on things you shouldn't(prostitution, drugs), spending more on things you should(family,poor bloggers), and setting up IRA's and what not.
2. Physical Goals - Here you will list goals that pertain to your body. Mainly if you want to lose weight list it here, if you want to lose a ton of weight maybe list it under financial goals for a procedure. "Changing your hairdo," or "brushing teeth more regularly" are all good ones for this area. "Look more like Matthew McConaughey" is not.
3. Recreation Goals - This would consist of going to the gym more, playing basket ball in a league, learning an instrument. These are all good. Yoga, Water aerobics, Stretching more. These are all bad.
4. Relationship Goals - Pretty self explanatory here. If your single put find someone that will make you happy. If your not single put why did I not listen to my goals last year. JK.. Maybe a good spot to put listen more, or get better at pretending to listen, I wouldn't know though.
5. Spiritual Goals - If we were all as perfect as Gandhi and Mother Teresa then this would be the only column we would need. But this is an important column. Without God no goal is possible, plus he will be standing next to you when you write these so it would be rude if you didn't.
6. Mental Goals - I add this to my list each year because.... Wait I can't tell you because the first rule is keep you goals Guarded. Ill give you a hint though, it has to do with having a mind that never shuts off.

Tip 3.) - KEEP IT AVAILABLE - What could be worse then getting into a situation where you think you may be accomplishing one of your resolutions, and then not knowing for sure because you do not have your list with you. I know this tip does not help in the formation of goals but I have found it is key to checking off more goals as completed. Example. Three years ago I looked much like I do now, only slightly less gray haired, but I had set a goal to give to the poor. I found my self downtown one night walking to my car when a strangely scented fellow stopped me in my tracks to ask if I could lend (yes lend) him .90 cents so that he could finally pay for a bus ticket that would allow him get back to his wife. Well I froze. I could not remember my goals, the story and the smell of booze had me all confused and I walked off saying, "Sorry I'm fresh out of change." I got home and immediately checked my list under Financial Goals and sure enouph I listed, "Give to the poor." Needless to say this happens no more. I now have a laminated miniature copy of my resolutions that I keep in my wallet so this sort of thing does not happen again. So I just suggest for you to do the same.

Tip 4.) - KEEP IT LOGICAL - There is no need to be filling your New Years Resolutions with goals that you have no business reaching. I made the mistake about 5 years ago of putting all sorts of things down. Like "Fly to the Moon, to Hang Up There with the Stars" and "Star in sequel to Dumb and Dumber" These are non logical goals to be setting for yourself. These are goals we are talking about, not dreams! I do however allow myself, and I suggest you do the same if you would like, to add a footnote to the bottom of your page of goals, and list three Un-logical goals, mainly because it makes all the other goals so much easier to obtain when you see unlogical goals written down that are far fetched. This year I may use these in my foot note section. "Star in the sequel to Dumb and Dumber"; "Own every cereal at one time and place one piece from each box into a bowl and eat it"; and "Get a girlfriend."

Tip 5.) - KEEP IT SIMPLE - These last two tips seem similar but it really is not. Tip five sugests to keep from having dreamy goals that are unattainable. Keeping it Simple means just that, keep your goals simple. I had a bad habit of not keeping my goals simple. They would be paragraphs long and would describe each level of my goal, how long I would need to keep the goal accomplished before I could knock it off the list, and it was just a pain to read. My first goals I set in 1994 was 17 pages long, and I only set 5 goals. But I have learned to keep it simple lately and I now have short easy to read goals all listed in nice categories. There is no need to have a goal of, "I must lose 16 pounds by Valentines Day, another 12 by Labor Day, 15 more by July 4th, 14 more by Fall, 11 more by thanks giving and 10 more(If your adding that is 78 pounds total) by New Years Eve all the while I will having to attend 6 workout classes a week and can only eat fruit while the sun is in the sky." This is not a simple goal. Change that to "Lose some weight." Perfect. Sounds much less daunting and if you ever lose a pound during the year, you can cross it off your list.

Well I hope these five tips help you in this time of setting New Years Resolutions. This has been my brochure of setting goals, but I do have a 6 disc CD set if you want to hear my lectures on the subject available to purchase. Just send me three easy payments of $29.99, and once that third check clears you'll get the series mailed to you free. And I will get to mark a goal off my list. "Dupe someone with a money making scheme or multi-level marketing." So before I let you go I wanted to be sure you had one last reminder of the Simple Tips for Setting New Years Resolutions. (and I wanted to point out that my five tips spell G.O.A.L.S. :)

1. Keep it Guarded
2. Keep it Organized
3. Keep it Availible
4. Keep it Logical
5. Keep it Simple
Until next time.

The Christmas Cheer and Funk

2005-12-27T00:06:00.000-06:00

MERRY CHRISTMAS to everyone! If I was even a halfway diligent blogger I would have posted this greeting on or before Christmas Day, but for what it is worth there it is. Let me get this off my chest early in this blog. I am in a funk. I have written about a funk before but it was more of a lifting weights funk and being lazy. I woke up this afternoon and felt a surprising force pressing in on me from all angles. I felt squished by a unknown funk is all I can describe it as, a squishing like a scuba suit that is too small. I don't have fever, I don't have a runny nose, I don't even have any unusual rashes. All I can think up is that it is a funk. I just looked up the definition of a FUNK and now I am scared. According to www.answers.com, a funk is 1. A state of cowardly fright; a panic 2. A feeling or spell of dismally low spirits 3. A type of popular music combining elements of jazz, blues, and soul and characterized by syncopated rhythm and a heavy, repetitive bass line. I take it that a Funk is a scared depressed guy panicking with a a nice beat in his head. So maybe I need to describe my feelings a bit different, because even though I always have a nice beat with some elements of jazz and blues going through my head most hours, I don't think I am depressed coward. But who knows really. If any of you can think of another name for never really getting it together through out the course of a day please let me know. By "it" I mean finishing a task, completing a thought, matching my clothes. So please send in your suggestions on what this state of being would be called if it is not simply a funk. When I have been in these self described funks before, I have blamed it on the fact that my head, which can unsurprisingly hold a lot of stuff, is filled to the graying brim with thoughts and wonders. Random thoughts and wonders are all compressed and multiplied, unzipped and strung out in no discernable order, like this blog tonight. Speaking of random thoughts, I want to go back to the simple word, funk. I have found much more interesting information about the word. I found many synonyms of funk like; poltroon, pusillanimity, apprehension, dejection, panic, syncopated rhythm, and cool beats. Did you know that in Spanish a funk is translated sobresalto, in Portuguese it is danÃ§ar, in Italian it is pauroso, in Dutch it is het modieus zijn, in Greek it is κοψοχολιάζω, and finally in London it is stilll just funk but with a weird accent. Crazy. So please help me come up with a new word to call a day in my life that seems to go in no real direction and where thoughts fill the hours, minutes, and seconds and cause me to repeat myself over and over. So please help me come up with a new word to call a day in my life that seems to go in no real direction and where thoughts fill the hours, minutes, and seconds and cause me to repeat myself over and over.
Ok, sorry for the depressing talk. Let's move on to the real highlight of the past few days. GETTING PRESENTS!!!!! Now, take a minute and think about what you got and then don't tell me because I don't care. Haha I'm kidding. Ofcourse I like to get presents over Christmas, but there is something about giving a gift that is better to me. Christmas is the one day of the year I wish I had Oprah Winfrey's bank account so that I could get everyone the gifts they deserve and want. Every other day of the year I just wish I had Donald Trump's bank account. So, I am left buying only gifts that I can afford. You see my mom deserve more then simple disposable hand warmers, she deserves a car with heated seats, my brother deserves more then a paperback novel, he deserves a stack of hundred dollar bills as thick as a paperback novel. My friends deserve more then 3-for-1 priced DVD's, they deserve high-end suits tailored for each, luggage from Coach and a night out on the town. But the reality is I am left with buying presents that try to mean something even though they are from the clearance rack from Wal-mart.(Is that a double negative?) Anyways, I did more then OK on the receiving end this Christmas. I got all new bedding for my bed, I mean real bedding with throw pillows and every thing. Now my pillow cases match for once and there is no more Ninja Turtle sheets. My bed now outclassess not only my room, but my closet too. Though I did get a upgrade to my closet as well. I now have a friend for my two trendy shirts. I got a shirt that is probably going to make me attractive, mainly because women will be stairing at my shirt instead of me. I got some workout clothes from a friend that works where I work out. I guess it was a hint that my stained one size too small shirts that I wear to the gym are bad for business. I of course got socks this Christmas, which happens each year just as wild office Christmas parties seem to happen each year as well. I got some sweet Texas Longhorns gear that I will be able to wear to the 2006 Rose Bowl in Pasadenaa California where the National Champions will be crowned. Yes, I am bragging:) Let's see what else did I get, oh yeah... I got enouph candy to rot out even all of Steven Tyler's(from Arrowsmith) teeth. Interestingly enouph 2/3rd of that candy was given to me by a dentists' daughter, at least I know a place to fill the coming cavitiess. But that was basically it for me. My friends all seemed to rake it in getting vacuums, weed-eaters, set of tools(no I'm not talking about my grandpa here), weddi... err... nice diamond rings, digital cameras, loads of cash and so much more. So I hope each of you got what you wanted and if you didn't I hope that it didn't leave you in a funk. Take care and start thinking of your New Years resolutions. Until next time.

Imaginations Gone Wild!

2005-12-20T00:27:00.000-06:00

My guess was right. Only a few would respond. There was a tie at one a piece all day long until the tie was broken this evening. The winner is the lonely looking girl sitting at the end of the dock. Forgive me if I do not have my A game, for I used it up on the basketball court tonight. I made six baskets and only have three serious bruises. First time the numbers were not the other way around! Ok, I eed to let you know that all that is coming to me for some reason tonight, is rhymes. So another reason I am scared to even start this is the fact that I believe I will write a poem about this gal on the dock. Here goes.

I sit here on the dock today,
wasting my whole day away,
just continuing to remember him,
and all the faces he made back then.
I know now that I should be strong,
but I keep seeing him in every song,
I just can not seem to shake,
these feelings that I seem to make.
I guess I know it just can't be,
my teary eyes can no longer see.
So I sit here were we first met,
and I carry my pain like in a net.
He Loved this dress I now wear,
he was perfect and that I swear.
We could hang out for hours on in,
Now I just sit and remember when.
He Loved my hair, he Loved my nose,
Adored my eyes, always telling me so.
I Loved his smile, his soothing voice,
he would be here now if I had a choice.
But I don't, and so now alone I sit,
deciding that Love, forever I quit.
We shared such memories on this lake.
The pain I feel I no longer can take.
So now I sit here just twirling my feet,
ignoring all others that I could meet.
I've tried to distract by staying home,
but my mind is here and here alone.
I'll miss our talks, and our swims,
I'll miss my walks to get to him.
I don't see why it had to be this way,
and why my heart has to hurt all day.
Awhile it's been, the hurts still here,
Unless I move one, it's going nowhere.
But moving on is not what I dream,
I want him back now, here with me.
So, I guess I will sit and remember when,
the time he took me on our first swim.
But now he is gone and no fun can be had,
I would be happy, if I weren't always sad.
I don't know why he was taken from me,
and put on display for the world to see.
He was different, our love was not blind,
He just happened to be a one of a kind.
He swam with a fin, and held me with arms,
A photo by neighbors, is what set off alarm.
The next day all the papers, simultaneously ran,
the same headline reading, "Girl Dates a Mer-man."
I never saw him again after that day,
I need to move on but I sit here today.
Everyone says, "We've been through it too."
But no one knows the hell I've been through,
I feel all alone, wallowing through this pain,
It has been some time, but the sadness remain.
I guess I'll move on, and the pain I will hide,
Though I know it will be one quite rocky ride.
I know if I do not get over, my Mer-man crush.
I'll forever forget how easy a heart can mush.
I know I will find someone new some day,
I don't need this story to get in the way!
So this will be my last visit to the lake,
Leaving behind my memories of Mer-man Jake.
Now, I will move on and enjoy the summer,
I wonder if Big Foot is free for a dinner?

Until next time.

Reliving High School.

2005-12-19T00:20:00.000-06:00

Did you have a great time in High School? Do any of you ever like to take trip down memory lane? I had a great time in High School, but I don't' tend to go down memory lane much because I get easily lost. But there are certain things for all of us, I am sure, that make it easy to relive the glory days. For some it might be a box of old letters that you received from your first love. For others it might be a trapper notebook that you keep old poems you wrote and homework assignments in. For even others it might be old VHS cassette with clips of sporting events you played in. For me it was all of these things. And for all of us it is old yearbooks that will be used one day as comic books by our children.
Anyways, tonight we watched an old classic on VHS, entitled The Phoenix Team: Out of the Ashes. It was a tape my JV basketball coach made to stroke his own ego. It told the tale of our team going 2-17 our freshman year, and how we rose out of the ashes for our new coach and improved to 21-7 the next year. It is great fun to watch, seeing yourself in basketball hightlights. I remember thinking I was a badass back then. And seeing the tape I realized that I was just a skinny kid with a big head(literally). So to get on with my blog, seeing this video made my mind wander off to some of my other great highschool memories. And one teacher popped into my head. My English teacher, Mrs. Donello. She would have a contest each month were we were to write a story about a picture that she would have on the wall. And it was a contest to see who could come up with the most creative story for the story. Anyways not to brag but I won it quite a few times. Mainly because I was the only one that turned anything in each month, but still I wore those ribbons proudly on my letter jacket. Anyways I thought that in memory of this event, I would write a blog about a picture. But I will need to have my vast reading base choose the picture I write about. You can vote for one of the following or do nothing. I imagine that the winning picture will be the one that gets one vote but I am just trying to include my constituents.

Short and Sweet.

2005-12-15T02:43:00.000-06:00

Until next time.

Happy Endings?

2005-12-14T01:15:00.000-06:00

Let me first start off by saying that Blogs By Boris has reached new heights. We have finally reached double figures in traffic. I have heard news that for the first time in the now 9 months of blogging, someone new has read the blog, bringing the total now to 10 that have seen this sight. I will be throwing a party next week to commemorate this treasured occasion. It will be a pot puck party so bring good stuff, please don't be cheap. Ok moving on...

I may or may not have mentioned the fact that I started the Reality Show watching craze. I believe I was the first person to watch the first episode of the first Survivor and deemed it great. Once I spread the word, the Nation and the World followed suit, and after ten seasons no reality show has had as many viewers as Survivor. I am proud of this, even though the only award I got was that one I made my self in MS Paint. It should be noted that I only liked and watched the first three seasons of Survivor, and some of Survivor All Stars. But enouph people loved the other seasons that it still reigns king. The emergence of this reality show caused really rich people to think for themselves instead of paying creative people to do it, and these TV executives started producing terrible reality shows, like Joe Schmo, the Swan and Outback Jack. The only good child that has come from the Survivor, besides Laguna Beach, was The Amazing Race. I believe in a past blog I mentioned that this is the best show on TV, and I stand by that now. Really great stuff. In my mail center manager opinion it is some of the best TV you can watch. It has eclipsed Survivor and I have watched every episode give or take 12 of all eight seasons give or take 2. I have not missed any lately though, because this season was just so damn good, oh... and because I pay extra each month to have TiVo record the show for me if my busy mail center manager job has me tied down. Well, tonight was the night of nights! The season finally! And TiVo was going to have to do the job again. I looked forward to this night for two weeks. Like a kid in the candy store, I rushed home tonight, sat my happy butt on the couch, ripped open my Jack's Spicy Chicken, took my shoes off, grabbed the remote, threw my shoes in the other room because of the smell, turned on the TV, pressed the button that shows the list of recorded shows, scrolled down to find The Amazing Race, dripped ketchup out of my chicken sandwich onto my nice pants with out knowing it, find The Amazing Race listed, select it, SCREAM A CURSE WORD, slam my fists into my legs and smear ketchup down my pants and notice it. Turns out TiVo was full and it only recorded one hour and forty five minutes of a special two hour season finally. Do you know what happens in the last 15 minutes of a race around the world between 14 groups of 4 family members, that has a team eleminated each week and was now down to the final three teams all of which would like to see the other teams dead? SOMEONE WINS! I am writing this blog right now to you 10 people and I do not know who won this race. I have watched religiously for 3 1/2 months. And this is what I get. Unbelievable. It's like knowing Santa Clause is real for the first 18 years of your life and then finding out that that he isn't. It's like playing a game a Jenga, a really good game that has people sweating, and all the teams are really in it, the Jenga tower is 6 feet high and there are only 3 possible moves left, and someone bumps the table knocking the Jenga peices to the floor and leaveing the game with no decernable winner. It sucks. But things could be worse I guess. I could be the guy that works at a chinese buffett and stirs food to make it look fresh. Moving on...

I need to change subjects... I am getting to worked up and much to long winded. I have a great piece of information to tell you all. I have had a really great thing happen to me over the past few weeks. Something that I never though could happen. Something so profound that money nor guns could not cause this to happen to anyone else, but it has happened to me. It just might change my life forever. It has caused me to reevaluate my life, and has had such a profound effect on me that I might not ever be the same again. Even typing about how I feel makes me shiver with body shakes. I don't think in a million years that this could happen again, but it has happened to me these past few weeks. There is an amazing story that goes with it, but I feel I can not get the story out because I am just so excited, so I think I will just tell you in one sentence my huge news that has changed my life over the past two weeks. I am proud to let each of you know that I have f Blog out of Space.

Comparison: Lifetime Fitness / buffet King

2005-12-09T00:16:00.000-06:00

Ok, So I have covered the notion that I can somewhat dose off in my mind during a long day at work or even a short day at the beach, and I even gave you an example of one of my daydreams. The following will be basically my thought process after a rouph week of work, while at lunch on a Thursday, by myself over a bowl of wan-ton soup with extra crunchies. Let me further explain that working in a mail center in December is about as busy as trying to mail packages at a mail center in December. It is hard on the feet. My feet to be exact, and unlike most humans I believe my feet are attached in some weird way straight to my brain. When my feet hurt my mind hurts, causing me to even lose function of my appendages at times. Hence the sweet and sour stain on my yellow shirt. Anyways, Point is when my feet hurt I tend to think upon pretty much anything: travels I'd like to take, girls I'd like to take out, bumper sticker sayings, and comparisons. And today while eating I was thinking pretty intently on the differences and similarities between a work out facility like Lifetime Fitness and a Chinese buffet like Buffet King. Here are my delusions.

similarities: I am starting with similarities because I bet you can think of non right off the bat. Am I right? I know I am. Well, I know of four off the top of my 8 1/4 head.
1. SIZE - Both of these businesses seem to think that if they build an establishment large enouph, it will atract the masses. And it has. I for one am joining Lifetime Fitness this weekend, mainly because the building is just so huge; and I ate at Buffet King this afternoon mainly because I was cold and wanted some soup, but also because it was huge. So there is no denying that these two places are very alike in the fact that they are larger then any of their competition.
2. VARIETY - Who else offers a workout facility that can accommodate 2,000 people at once and still have room for a Sweaten' to the Oldies class? Only one I know of is Lifetime Fitness. They have over two thousand different machines and whatnot for you to look at while pretending not to look at flesh. Where else can you find 75 different types of food(other then H.E.B. and a porta-potty)? Given there are a few buffets in Las Vegas that I have talked about but the correct answer is Buffet King, here in San Antonio. I believe that they have the widest variety of food in town, although I did wonder why my fillet of fish tasted just like the Teryaki chicken. At Lifetime you can not only workout you can play basketball, climb a rock wall, eat dinner, get your hair done, swim, go on water slides, buy drugs and so much more. At Buffet King you can eat a cheese stick, wan-ton soup, fried crab ball, rice, sesame beef, BlueBell ice cream, a Bud Light and so much more all at once. What it comes down too is you could live in either of these places for a year and still not try everything, not with out growing fat or fit.
3. UNNECESSARY/NECESSARY STAFF - These have got to be the only to businesses(I'm talking fitness centers and Chinese buffets in general) where the same employee seems to be the most unnecessary and necessary at the same time. I would compare a personal trainer to the guy or girl that is always walking around the buffet stirring the food. Let me explain. Why does a gym need a personal trainer? Is it really that hard to lift a few weights and jog on a machine by yourself? But then you see who they are normally training and it is either the really really out of shape(fat) people or the really hot women. So I would think that no gym needs these workers because everything is pretty self explanatory, but then again they are needed to get the big smaller and the hot hotter. And to compare it to the guy or girl stirring the food. If they only prepared fresh food then this person would not be necessary but since they use the same food as last week it is necessary to pay some one to keep the gross food pretty and the cold food hot.
4. LITTLE THINGS - Both of these business seem to pay attention to the little things. Buffet King smartly give you a napkin right when you walk in the door and then set a stack of fifty on your table once you sit down, they order chairs that could hold a small car on it, they give you fortune cookies after your meal to make you feel good when your stomach doesn't, they keep a guy or girl on staff to make sure the food is stirred and looking edible, and they arrange the restaurant in a way that makes the whole food area the most glorious place in the land. Lifetime Fitness pays attention too. They provide towels for you upon arrival, they make it were everything is free if you have your membership card with you and then they conveniently charge your credit card, they smartly place hot girls on the Stair masters near the entrance, and they always smile at you when you walk in. Little things help each of these establishment run smoothly.

Difference(s): Quickly think of 10 differences! Ha, I bet you can't think of any now that you realize how similar they are. In fact I can only think of one difference. It is that you work out at one place and eat at the other. Duh.

Well as you can tell my feet still hurt because I had no control over my hands. Or my thoughts. The next blog will be bigger and better then ever. Kinda like me after a year in the Lifetime Buffet and the Fitness King. Until next time.

What was I saying?

2005-12-02T00:01:00.000-06:00

Have you ever been lost in your thought? Have you spaced out and had some one push your jaw closed? Have you been so spaced out that when you come too, you do not even know where you are? If you answered "yes" to all three of these questions and they happen at least twice everyday then we have more in common then you may think. It might not be cool to admit your a daydreamer(the polite name for spacey), but I just realized that I have a pretty severe case of .... I forget what I was talking about. Oh yeah, day dreaming. I am not embarrassed to admit that I think I have mastered the art of dreaming while walking, driving, working and yes even sleeping. If I could stop spacing out I bet I could write a book on it. In fact, it is partly why it takes me 6 hours and 12 spell-checks to write one blog. To tell you the truth, I think I might be spacing out right now. I am hearing a song that has a slight Jamacian hum to it~~ BAM!~! I am walking up the beach in tattered khaki pants, no shoes and a really faded sleeveless Rolling Stones concert t-shirt. My skin is turning red from the sun beating down on my sun-screenless body. I am walking from no place in particular, and heading in no discernible direction. But I keep walking because there is a faint sound of steel drums. I walk past an armless kid building a sand castle? (obviously my daydream is disrupted by something and I was unable to fully think every object into it's entirety) Ok, I am walking a bit faster now, due to the temperature of the sand, but I keep my focus on the familiar beat in the distance. I pass two beautiful women tanning their glorious bodies in the sun, topless. (obviously my daydreaming skills are top notch, but for the adults only) Nothing can stop me for long from finding the source of this beat that has now filled my head. After using the ladies blanket to stand on to give me medium-well feet a rest, and of course getting a number that strangely started with 555, I moved on toward the melody. Picking up my pace now to slightly over a jog but not quite a run I realize the beat no longer has the beautiful ring of Jamaican but is now the lovely sound of piano keys and there is a voice coming in to ear shot. I can barely make out the words, something about a tiny dancer I think I hear. And strangely enouph I am not on a beach any more in tattered cloths, but I am in a dress shirt and slacks and I am now with one of the topless girls, nope .... both of them. They are dressed in lovely cocktail dresses and we are making our way to a building. It is a large building, resembling a theater, it is a theater I realize as we get closer. We are all arm in arm and are walking at a hurried pace, and are now singing along to a song we can't hear the lyrics too. I keep hearing the words "tiny dancer" though. We now find ourselves trying to fight through a crowd of people as best we can, trying desparately to make our way to this mysterious building and the piano music rolling out of it. Bumping into people left and right, forcing our way through, I begin to notice everyone noticing me, nope... noticing the two ladies I am with.(obviously this must be why I am always in day dreams) That is when I notice that they are not in cocktail dresses any longer, but they are not back in their beach outfit either(darn it), they are in jeans and fun tops and looking great, and I am now in jeans and a trendy shirt(real life carries over to dream world because it happens to be the same trendy shirt as the only one I own) and the crowd we were fighting through is replaced by a short line to enter a smaller brick building with windows around it. A new livelier music is pouring out of this door which only 6 people separate us and the entrance. The sound is no longer piano tunes but the wonderful sounds of electric guitars and loud singing. The words are much more audible now. "Tommy used to work on the docks...." flows out of the door and as the words hit me my skin tingles. I have made such a long intresting adventure. I have found two beautiful friends on this journey. And my journey seems to be nearing its climax. After showing our credentials to the enormous guy at the door we are let into this shrine of music. The room is smoky, there are people everywhere holding beers the size of footballs, t.v.s fill the walls, sticky wood floors fills the floors(nice imagery). We make our way to the bar as "Gina works the diner all day working for her man, she brings home her pay For love - for love" words are uttered by the speakers. I ask the bartender "Where we have arrived at?" then I told her how my feet still hurt from the hot sand, and I was answered, "Logan's Welcome home!" That is when an emotion overfilled my body that seemed familiar but none-the-less wonderful and I grabbed the two beautiful princesses leading them to the center of the dance floor where we shouted in unison with the speakers, with the masses, with the world, the words that I relised I had been chasing this whole time. At the top of our lungs with our hands held up as high as they could extend ......

She says we’ve got to hold on to what we’ve got
’cause it doesn’t make a difference
If we make it or not
We’ve got each other and that’s a lot
For love - we’ll give it a shot
Whooah, we’re half way there
Livin’ on a prayer
Take my hand and we’ll make it - I swear
Livin’ on a prayer

We sweat, we danced, we yelled, we danced more and we sweat more, all while belting out these words like our lives depended on it. We sang another verse and then i believe we got even louder as we got to the "Whooah, we’re half way there
Livin’ on a prayer" part. What an unbelievable feeling we all had. Nothing could top it. We closed our eyes and shouted out one last time the final few words. To my surprise when I opened my eyes, I was no longer sweaty, I was no longer dancing, I was no longer arm in arm with the two gorgeous chicks, I was no longer in a bar, or a crowded street, or a beach. I was in a opera house, wearing a tux and the two beauties I was with are no were to be found. In fact everybody in the room has heads heads shaped like baloons and they begine to float to the ceiling. The music is jarbled, the sound is awful... my hand is turning to sand and falling from my body into a pile on the red carpet floor. I am returning to the bea......

Nope. I'm coming out of my daydream. Ok, Im' back and I just realise that I wrote that whole story while under the fixation of a mind dream. The problem was I was listening to my ipod on random at the same time, and it started with a Bob Marley song, and there was Elton John and Bon Jovi. Crazy. Well, I hope you all have lovely daydreams today. I know I will. So long from me and the girls. Until next time.

A Fill in the Blank Bed Time Story. By Boris

2005-11-30T00:12:00.000-06:00

As far as my reading has taken me(about ten feet), I have always come up with better characters and main objects in every story I have read. It tends to keep me interested in the story longer. So, why not have a story in which the reader makes up for themselves the main parts of the story.

Once upon a time there lived a magical __________ that lived in the forrest and would pick food from the orchard to feast upon each day. This was magical fruit and the most magical fruit of all was the ________ which when she/he/it(sheit) would eat this fruit sheit would radiate everything that is right in the world. Like happiness, love, ____________ and ____________. Sheit always smelled like roses, would always wear a smile, always sing happy songs, and would skip around instead of walk. Sheit had a pet ___________ that was the most loyal ________________ in the universe. Nothing could made sheit upset except the mean, bad, smelly, ________, vile, no-good monster that always tried to eat sheit named _______________. This evil creature had one job, which was to make sheit ___________________ as often as possible. The mean villain would try every day to stir sheit up in a vat of hot boiling tar, but every day sheit used the magical fruit to ward the evil doer off. All sheit had to do to keep the monster named ___________, at arms length and say _____________________________________________, and the vile creature would run off with teary eyes.
One time not so long ago, sheit got ill and was unable to pick the magical fruit. The mean mean goblin took advantage of sheit in this weakend state, and was able to take sheit to the edge of the black forest where sheit could not reach the magical fruit.
Sheit was in the dumps for sure, missing the lovely fruits and most loyal pet she had ever had. That is when sheit let out a trumpet blast so high pitch that only a pet who's a true friend could hear. Sheit had summoned ____________________. Armed with a basket of magical fruit the _______________ ran and run to the edge of the dark forest where the evil monster kept a firm grip on sheit. Not to be denied the loyal pet summond all the powers of the fruit and leapt 40 feet into the air right into the dungeon, tossing the most magical fruit to sheit.
Seizing the fruit in a quick move thought only to be bestowed upon kings, sheit made a move for the fruit and in one fell swoop __________________________________________________________ until the monster was begging for mercy.
Being merciful sheit decided to befriend the evil monster and share the powerful fruit with the ruthless monster. Once the monster bit into it ______________________________________ and then they _______________________ happily ever after. The end.

Ok, I am going to be honest for the first time in seven days. I should have never started this blog. Much too deep. I thought it would be an easy story, telling a story with no main character or plots. But I think it ended up being even harder then writing medical journals in the third grade. So print it out and fill in the blanks if you want or just roll your eyes like always and finish with your day. Until next time.

A Short Blog for You and Yours

2005-11-29T01:34:00.000-06:00

With Thanksgiving behind us it is now time to move past the season of thankfulness and kindness and get into the season of giving(who am I kidding for most it is really the season of "I wants" and "I need.") So in that manner I will share with you some of the things I want and some things that I need.

I want trendy outfits that make me dance better. I need a collar that zaps me with high amounts of voltage when ever I try to dance in public.
I want socks that I can wear five times all day at work and not smell. I need to do laundry more often so I do not need socks like this.
I want to travel to twelve countries this next year. I need to pay off credit cards that allowed me to see zero countries last year.
I want a collection of DVD's that rivals that of blockbuster. I need to return some movies I have had from Blockbusters for over 4 months.
I want shoes that drag me to the gym and make me burn off extra calories. I need shoes that kick my ass when I order a five piece extra crispy chicken meal with extra biscuits with two sides and a super sized Big Red.
I want a cereal named after me. I need cereal to live.
I want a car that can not get in any wrecks until it is paid off. I need a mechanic for my 7 month old Scion Tc.
I want an alarm clock that gently rubs my arm and tells me that I am great and that work is going to be great and that it is time to get up. I need an alarm clock with no snooze button.
I want a kitchen that makes me breakfast in the morning and has it waiting for me when I am done getting ready. I need an alarm clock with no snooze button.
I want to be the President of the United States. I need to be realistic.
I want a girlfriend. I need to be realisti... I mean optimistic.
I want wallpaper to cover my room that are maps of different countries and I want to hang cutouts of my favorite cereal boxes all over the wall too, and maybe even put pennants around the tops of my room. I need a girlfriend.
I want a shirt that irons itself and even washes itself. I need a girl... haha just kidding I need a new shirt.
I want a bed that injects me with sleep serum when I am tired and should be in bed. I need stop writing this blog.
Finally I want a wallet that produces it own money and never runs out of cash. I need a wallet that produces its own money and never runs out of cash.

So go ahead and make your self a list of things that you want and you need. That should get you kick started into having a great holiday season. Until next time.

Text Messages and Time Machines

2005-11-27T23:00:00.000-06:00

I hope everybody's Thanksgiving extended weekend was as terrific as mine. I hope all the turkeys were fully cooked and the yams were a safe distance away. I hope each of you were able to take a few minutes to quietly reflect on what you are thankful for. I hope you each got to spend time with family or friends and have a joyous time eating tons of food and then napping on the couch during the Cowboy's game. That is what I love about this time of year family, friends and helping after helping of food. I however take away from this thanksgiving a few new life changing gifts as well. For I finally learned the full capability of sending text messages through a cellular phone and I now understand the intricacies of the possibility of time travel. Each of these though different in spelling are similar in the way they have affected me over this past weekend. I will explain.

I do not know of either of you know me well enough to know this but I am a bit behind the curve on trends. I was 22 when I first got a Game Boy, and the X-box was already out. I just recently realized that flannel shirts, no matter how cool the plaid design were, are not cool anymore. Well at 27 I have been making huge strides toward catching up with the trends. I have now purchased a second trendy shirt(a shirt that looks like a guy dressed himself and was not dressed by his mother) I have a pair of trendy shoes(shoes that hurt your feet but go with your belt and wallet) I even have put a pair a trendy jeans(ones that look as if they are used, faded, torn, or stained yet still have a sky high price tag on them) on my Christmas wish list. So the point is I am make baby steps toward being trendy. But I realized I was still missing something, and before you make jokes and say it is a girlfriend to pick out trendy clothes for me so I don't even have to worry about such things, I know that is also true, but there is something else I realized I was missing out on. I can walk down the street, or mall, or even drive down the road and I see people looking at their cell phone but never talking on it. I see this all the time. At first I assumed they were just on speaker phone, but they were not talking to it and I heard no voices. At my house my roommates phones would ring they would pick it up and look at it, hit a few buttons and then set it back down like there was nothing to it, and repeat the process in a few minutes. That is when it hit me(actually it hit me after I asked about sixty questions about how it worked), these are text messages. I have been missing the boat all these years. I have simply not answered the phone if I did not want to talk, now I can just read a sentence and write back a few words and the conversation is done. It might change my life. I just activated texting on my phone and can now chat on my phone. Now the thing is typing on a phone is not as easy as typing on a computer, it is actually about 100 times harder, especially while walking down the street, or in the mall, or driving in rush hour.

As you know, or might not know unless you have been spying on me, but I enjoy movies slightly more then I enjoy Fruity Pebbles. Another little know fact is that I am mentally disturbed, no I'm not, yes I am, no I'm not. But I do know this, well I am fairly certain about the possibilities of time travel. According to the movie Donnie Darko time travel happens all the time, and it is way more believable then how Quantum Leap or Stargate portrays it. I will give you a quick gist of how it happens. It is mainly in your dreams, and then you live out the future in your dreams, and when God allows it you stay in your dream and carry out mystical missions, until one day you wake up and you are in a cartoon. It gets better if you can believe it. You also have the power to summon all the water and fire in the world and do with as you please, as long as it does not disrupt any of the future, because you will really be living in a Tangent Universe. Hold on this is where it gets good. If all goes well in this Tangent Universe then after 28 days of living in it you will be able to start back at the beginning of the 28 days and this time be in the real universe. And then you wake up and you are not sure if you saved the world or it is just a dream. It all has something to do with geometry. But if you watch Donnie Darko you will understand it all. But for me I am going to send out a few texts before I take a few sleeping pills so that I can maybe save the world while I sleep. Look for me. And hope you had a great Thanksgiving. Until next time.

More Memoirs of a Las Vegan.

2005-11-11T00:57:00.000-06:00

Let me start by saying to the three of you that check this. If you have not heard about my trip to Vegas jump down to the next post because that is the start of this tale. What a magical tale it is too. I believe I left off with a promise of pictoral proof of what people look like after a nice extremely filling buffet and a nice Cirque del Soule show. I am talking about a time spent gambling till noon the next day with rides on a roof of the tallest building west of the Grand Canyon. So heres your pictures.
What a view, looing straight down and spinning.

On your marks, Get set, Die!

Toasting a new life together.

Well, probably time for bed.

That is where we were.

Well, I can't say that I have ever gone to bed at 1:00pm before. Well last time I was in Vegas I did. Oh yeah and the time before. Oh yeah and the next night! After sleeping what Doctors describe as a healthy nights sleep we woke up at 9:00pm on Sunday and decided that nothing said I am ready to start a day like another Buffett. Only eating 4/5th the amount I had at the Bellagio Buffet, I was ready for a walk. Thing is, everyone else was ready for a good nights sleep.(after only 2 hours of being up, Unamerican!) I talked Dusty into traveling up the strip with me Where we visted the Wynn Hotel and much more. We walked for what seemed like 4 miles. The only logical thing to do was to pull over on our way home and fill up the ole gas tank before we call it a day. In a way only Vegas allows filling up the gas tank turned into meeting people from Wisconsin and staying up and continueing to fill up all the way until 1000 am on Monday. Getting to the room took a map. Getting to sleep took a second. We have no physical proof of our souvener cups other then what is in these pictures because Dusty thought it would be fun the wake the girls by smacking them on the head with them, breaking them all. Anyways. More pics.
Amazing what you find on a walk in Vegas at night.

Doc's Plastic line up. Then mine.

It is amazing the nice people you can meet on any given night. And then still know them in the morning.

Memoirs of a Las Vegan.

2005-11-06T20:05:00.000-06:00

It has been a few weeks since I last blogged. And for good reason. I was in Vegas and then recovering from Vegas. It is a two week process, that I am still not sure I am fully back to normal. But what a trip we had. Nothing like staying up till dawn and sleeping till dusk to get the blood flowing. Nothing like eating cornacopious amounts of food and gallons of beverages to slow the blood flow. Nothing like proposing marriage and riding rides dangling 2000 feet in the air to get the blood back flowing. It is just a great time had by all. I'll attempt to take you on a photo journey here of me and my friends travels to Las Vegas over the Halloween weekend of 2005. Enjoy.

The plane ride was a joyous one. The best part of it I believe, was the fact there was no slot machines or blackjack tables on which to loose our hard earned money. Thanks to some covert ops secret mission impossible stuff we were able to arrive in Vegas with our blood pumping for a good time. The blood even was pumping waiting for our rental mini-van to arrive to us. We had to restrain a few members of the party from a street brawl. But this picture is from the Southwest Flight 815, row 23 seats A-F. The following is our fissured 15 steps in Vegas. The next 4,815,162,342 were each a story of their own.

With a near encounter behind us. It was time to make Dusty and John walk 2 miles with luggage while me and Joel checked us all into the rooms. We had nice rooms that had a connecting door, and only began to smell on the last day we were there. With luggage unpacked and pockets filled with money burning holes our pockets, it was time to do what any group of people arriving in Vegas do: DANCE. And dance we did. By we I mean I danced and danced and danced. Dancing in Vegas is like dancing in a dream. And I have no idea what I mean, but the following is proof that dancing was going on. By the way I believe someone spilled their drink on my shirt is why is looks so wet.

Needless to say we woke up with sore legs, but a fresh mind. It was time to explore the city. Looks way different with natures lights on. We visited downtown(home of the football shaped drinking receptacles) and many other casinos. Here are a few pictures from this journey. None of us are in the photos because dancing all night makes your appearance the next day below par. Check these out.

Sightseeing is done. It is time to get serious about eating. If you want to feel full and I don't mean, "No, I would not care for any more" full. I mean the kind of full where you can not muster up the energy needed to lift the spoon to your mouth for one last bite of dessert full. This is exactly what I went for. Buffets are a good way to do this. The Bellagio Buffet is an even better way to do this. I had four full plates of food and five different desserts. Yummy. I can now say I have eaten Seabass, Sordfish, Roasted Duck, Prime Rib, Beef Wellington, Crab Legs and Veal, all on the same plate! I had to try and shove the last piece of dessert down with no luck. Here is the order in which it was consumed, now I need a napkin.
MAIN COURSE:

DESSERT:

LAST PIECE:

LAST BITE:

I'm full as a tick on a fat dog in the summer. What is the best thing to do when this full? If there was ever a survey on such a thing I imagine the answer would be to relax in the hotel room maybe take a leisurely shower and take in a nice show while the 45 pounds of food finds its way to your stomach and hips. We however too the approach of: run across the street to our hotel, take five second showers, get yelled at by everyone for making them late, almost forget to put on socks, forget to shave(wait shave and make everyone even madder), get all dressed up, run to the mini-van, run stop signs to get to the casino our show is at, sprint to the shows entrance and slide in as the house lights are being lowered. Yes perfect way to let food settle. But seriously, we watched one of the most amazing shows I have every seen called Mystere'. Excellent show that had people doing acrobatics that should only exist in cartoons. Very fun show, very fun time. No better way to remember it then by a picture out side.

The show is over, the stomach is full the bed is calling. But not very loud however because the slots are calling louder and the blackjack tables are screaming. Could it be a loose night on the slots? Would we win it all back on one monster hand of blackjack? Would we stay up all night trying to get yes's out of these first two questions and end up at the Stratosphere, where there would be proposals, and death defying rides? Yes we would and here's a bit of proof. TO BE CONTINUED!!!

What happens in Vegas.... Stays in Vegas?

2005-10-21T23:28:00.000-05:00

What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. That is the motto. That is the national creed of Sin City. Why does that phrase seem so inviting? Why does that phrase seem so mischievous? Why does this phrase seem to only work with Las Vegas? It was no accident, it was because no other city claimed the rights to this powerful marketing tool first. That is it. I can't believe I have just figured this out! For years I believed that anything I did or any of my friends did, no matter how crazy and insane, all memory and proof of it ever happening would be kept right there in the city limits. I think the millions of people that visit Vegas each year with their bag of quarters, rent check, and mistress all assume the same thing that I did. Let the city take full control of all reason and common sense and when you board the plane to leave, it is handed back to you. I thought this happened on my last five visits to the City of Sidewalk Porn Distributors, and over the past 6 years here in San Antonio I believed that we actually went to bed before 1:00 a.m. each night, we showed restraint on the black jack table (never positioning ourselves between two black fur wearing hookers), we limited ourselves to two adult beverages an evening never consumer more then we should and we ate only a healthy amount of food. But that is when it clicked. Wait a minute... We have proof that all of this did not happen in this manor. How can something really stay in Vegas after cameras, cell phones, video cameras and gossip were innvented. Nothing can stay there. So, I will have a new mind set this trip to Vegas, with 8 of my closest and dearest friends ever, "What Happens in Vegas No Matter How Embarrassing Humiliating and Wrong will Surely Find its Way to San Antontio and my Mom" So I am going to take it easy this trip. Maybe get up early and do a little jog, then grab breakfast, followed by a nice stroll up and down the strip then a nice buffet for lunch followed by a nice nap. Take in some sun by the heated pool next and then get showered for an evening show and dinner. Next maybe spend 20 minutes and a ten dollar bill on a slot machine, lauph about how quick it went, get a mixed drink and head up to the room, look at the lights of the town from my window and then get to sleep after watching a little T.V., all by 12:30. Follow this same pattern for the next two days. I think if I stick this plan of attack, then for sure, what ever happens in Vegas will stay there. I am sure the following pattern is one that would find it's way out of the Sin City before even the body leaves the city. Arrive blow a twenty at the airport on a slot machine, blow another twenty while waiting on friends to check in, have two mixed drinks. Waste another twenty while waiting for friends to meet you in the lobby, consume 4 more mixed drinks, blow another twenty, and another and another, create drama, have five more mixed drinks and two footballs, dance all over other peoples girlfriends for 4 hours, blow another twenty after being kicked out of the club, waste 4 mixed drinks by leaving them in the bathroom stall, blow another twenty with one bet of black jack, find ATM, get denied, find wrong room twice then right room fall asleep as room service is knocking on door to see if you need clean towels at 10:00 a.m.. Repeat for two more days. Absolutely, this behavior would find it's way out of Vegas. So and I am speaking for everyone of the nine traveling to Vegas. I think we might leave our cameras here this time! Just so that there is no proof one pattern or the other. In fact here as some pictures that have found their way out! Notice none of me. No one wanted to take a picture of me calmly losing money. Only 5 days until we blow our first twenty. I can't wait. Until next time.

The Speed of Sound and Other Things...

2005-10-14T00:24:00.000-05:00

Ok, Let me start of with this. I am in a hurry this evening, so I might not have a very good blog. I realise I am assuming that I always have good blogs, for me to say that this one might be so different from the other ones that I would have to preface it with an appology. But I have so many destractions in my life right now, non of which being controled by a girlfirend(sorry mom and dad). I am trying to successfully juggle Astros's playoff baseball(they won tonight), T.V. Shows(I watched Amazing Race and Lost last night), DVD's (I watched an entire season of The Office Just earlier), working out(I am almost comfortable wearing my shirts with the top button undone now), and vegas trip planning(I am traveling to Las Vegas in 14 days with three friends and some other people I don't like.) So, needless to say I am a little over taxed with tasks, all of which keep fighting to take top priority. In fact DVD's, TV, and Sports just did an amazing leap and all at once jumped in front of working out over the past few days. But enouph with the apologies. Lets get on with the blog, because like I said, I am in a hurry.

I watched the Discovery Channel sometime in April and I vaguely remember that they talked about how sound actually had a speed. I didn't much pay attention at the time so all my facts might not be acurate but this afternoon at work I started to think back on that show. I was trying to remember exactly how fact the speed of sound was. I am not bragging but to be able to run the 800 meter dash in just over 2 minutes like I did in high school is fast, but it seems that the scientists on the show where saying that sound was much faster then that. I am not positive because I had the T.V. on mute half the time, but I remember them showing a jet over and over. So I am going to suggest that the sound of speed is slightly slower then that of a speeding jet. But again I can't be sure because, I did turn the program to Montel Williams after like five minutes. So, on to other stuff....

Untill next time. (Sorry about the crappy blog)

Has he LOST it or what?

2005-10-05T22:58:00.000-05:00

Ok, I am going to write an entire blog about a television show that one of my roommates would trade his religion in rather then miss one second of the show. The show is Lost. He has way overhyped this show to his family, friends, coworkers, bartenders, dentist, pastor, and basically anyone that has been within 12 feet of him for over 30 seconds. He basically only talks about this show. "There is no better show on t.v.!" "It is the best single thing on earth!" and "It comes in as a close second behind the life of Christ, as the single greatest event in the history of the universe!" "Ahhhhhhhhh" are all sentences you hear him say every 108 minutes. This "astonishing, awe-inspiring and awesome" show has been on for a year now, on Wednesdays at 8:00 on ABC. My rooomate has even stopped calling Wednesday by it name, calling it "LOST night!!!!" now. For most of the past year he spear-headed a movement to try and force people to watch the show with him, and enjoy it in his way(which is with every breath he takes). He succeeded with a few of my friends over the past year and now they do nothing but talk about plot developments, story lines, and cliff hanger endings to episodes; never talking about normal things like sports, women and cereals, only Lost. Well, then summer came and heavens for bid, Lost was in between seasons, and you would think that this would mean Wednesdays would be back to normal. That would be a wrong assumption. The talking continued, the hyping continued, the cornering and beating up of non-Lost lovers continued. It got to the point one night, and alcohol was not involved most likely, that my roommate was literally in tears because season two of Lost was only one week away. He was emotional over the fact that every single human on earth has not seen this "moving, overwhelming, spine-tingling, stunning, thrilling" show yet. I think he was almost going crazy from not getting to see a new episode for over 3 months. He kept saying all these numbers over and over... 4 8 15 16 23 42. He screamed out in his sleep one night "what is in the hatch!!!!" so loudly that it woke even the niebors. I think what bothered him the most was the fact that his roommates had yet to watch his "godlike" show and hence our lives were in danger. He had me wondering "has he had lost it or what?" Knowing that he had, I still made a decision that I am still not sure was or was not a good one. I broke down and watched the whole first season on DVD. Mind you I decided to do this 5 days before the new season was starting. And that is when it began. All these strange things. Not as strange as a man being blown up by a stick of 400 year old dynamite, but strange things were happining. I started watching episodes at all hours and everywhere I could. I could not get enouph of this new show. I would watch it on my computer, I would watch it in any free fifteen minutes i had before work leaving for work, I even borrowed a portable DVD player and watched it while driving to work. I watched 24 one-hour episodes in a 4 day span, all while working, working out, sleeping and eating cereal. I started talking solely about this cool show and I started cornering people and asking them if they had seen this Lost show. I would ask customers at work what they thought of Kate's flashback, Locke walking again, and Hurley's jokes. It was happening to me. I was becoming a full-fledge fan of a t.v. show. I was starting to hold it up as "one of the best shows on t.v." Was this really happening? So, the season two started and more sings of my new obsession started appearing. I actually raced home one night, ignoring speed limits and traffic lights, so that I could be there for the very first minute of the first episode of season two. I was fully hooked now. The second episode came a week later, and right after it was over I rushed to my computer and spent 3 straight hours consulting with other Lost cult members, on a lost messege board(something a huge dork invented to allow other dorks to spread rumors, gossip, ideas, quotes, and talk about Lost). I was trying to make since of what the heck Dharma is? What was that swan? Why was a shark tattooed? Why is Locke so weird? Why was I doing this? And then another week passed and I watched every second of the third episode ever so intently and that was just 2 hours ago. I never blinked once the entire show. And now the final weird thing has just happened... I sprinted into my room, sat down at the computer and told my four readers all about how crazy I am about this Lost show. And I am feeling wierd all over. GO AND RENT THE FIRST SEASON! WATCH THIS SHOW! IT IS AWESOME! YOUR LIFE MAY BE IN DANGER IF YOU DON'T!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Now I am sure your asking yourselves, "Has he LOST it or what?" Until next time.

Working Out or Pigging Out?

2005-10-03T22:46:00.000-05:00

First, I need to apologize, mainly to myself, (because I fear I am the only one that has missed my blogs)for my lack of posts over the past few months. My excuse: Fall is in the air, Football is in full swing, Baseball playoffs are starting, Basketball is three weeks away, and Kohl's Big Two Day sale is this weekend. This all means that there is no better time to start back up writing blogs. I have taken the Kohl's approach lately and have started up writing blogs again about as often as they have a Huge Two Day Sale(once or twice a month). In all honesty, I have been busy over this three month period where blogs were few and far between. The main reason is I have started a vigorous workout. One that involves more then treading water and holding a beer above water while tubing down the river. Nope, this is a full fledge work out, dumbbells and all. Although that is a funny name for a workout devise, I cannot think of one thing to say that would explain why they are named that, other then they were obviously named after an Aggie. Anyways, I am so into this working out that I have even broke down and joined the Supplement Club.(The First Rule of Supplement Club is to not talk about Supplement Club. The Second Rule of Supplement Club is find a way to talk about it without really talking about it.) So I can't tell you which ones I inject into my blood, but I can tell you about the decision making process that led to getting them. I went to a Nutritional Store(always a good first step), and asked the guy working, "What do I need to do to grow as big a Mark McGuire, when he hit all those home runs?" He told me that everything to get that big is now illegal, but I could buy everything he says and be almost as big as Mark. So I thought for a second and asked, "How do I get as big as Kristie Alley?" And he said to eat everything in sight. And that is when I had to decide.... Did I want to be almost as big as Mark McGuire and take supplements, vitamins, meal replacements, fish oils, muscle enhancers and cucumber shakes, giving the guy at the Nutritional Store a healthy commission; or I could use all that money and eat at CiCi's Pizza every meal and get as big as Kristie Alley. Don't get me wrong it was not that hard of a decision, but I do love that Pizza from CiCi's and I love to pig out. Eating is fun, it always makes me feel good, it tastes good, smells good, looks good, and even sounds good cooking. So why not devote my life to eating everything I can get my hands on? Well, back to the main question. Should I work out or pig out? And I chose work out. And that is exactly what I have been doing. Not to brag or anything but I could probably dead lift Kristie Alley and not even need a spotter. However, it was this decision to start working out that has invaded on my Blogging hobby. OK, this is not a promise, but a very strong suggestion; "I will be blogging more in the future." I will try and keep you informed on when I am big enouph to play in the Major Leagues illegally and then lie about it. Hopefully it will be in the near future, because CiCi's is always just a short drive away. So, from now on remember, when you see someone that is having trouble getting out of their chair and are grabbing their stomach in pain, ask yourself, "Are they recovering from a work out or a pig out?" Until next time.

A Top Ten List

2005-09-16T09:17:00.000-05:00

Top Ten comedies that I own on DVD.
10. Me, Myself and Irene - Gotta love shock bathroom humor.
9. Tommy Boy - "Fat guy in little coat" and "room service..." enouph said.
8. Airplane - By far the funniest movie set in an airplane.
7. Office Space - "Oh Oh Oh." Did you get the memo?
6. Vacation - "If we park in the last spot, we'll be the first to leave." Good ole Clark. (I will lump in the other Vacation movies here too.)
5. Rat Race - absolutely great. Would be number one but no one would agree.
4. Napoleon Dynamite - "Gosh, are you trying to ruin my life."
3. Meet the Parents - Part of why I am still single. Fear that that is what it is really like.
2. Three Amigo - Nothing better then Lucky Day, Dusty Bottoms and Ned Nederlander saving the day. Plus kisses on the veranda are always nice.
1. Dumb and Dumber - Maybe even the best drama as well.

Keep in mind that these are DVD's that I own. I imagine there could be funnier movies but I doubt it. Wait Space Balls would be up there. So would Van Helsing, because that movie was a joke. Anyways. Back to the J-O-B. Until next time.

Vacations & Football Season

2005-08-25T00:28:00.000-05:00

Life can now offically move on for the both of you that still check each day to see if I wrote something. Because the wait is over. The hiatus has passed. The vacation is over. It is back to getting serious about keeping my blog current with the latest news and notes from my life. Well for the latest on me you will have to call me. I am extremely tired at the moment and absolutly nothing is entering my head at this moment except very dry and humorless jokes. I would like make this blog a site that would only have exceptional jokes. So for give me for keeing it short, but maybe I will add some photos from my travels to Key West, Miami Beach and New Orleans. Infact I will work on that now. I will talk about football and how great this season is going to be in both the collegate and professional levels. Ok Pics. Until next time.

Imitators and Keys

2005-08-10T02:38:00.000-05:00

First off, I want to let every one know that I am not in San Antonio as I am writing this. I am in a place that would make every one except Jess jealous. I am in Key West. It is further south then any other place in the USA that you can get to with a car and dance moves. It is important to travel to this destination with dance moves. It is filled with establishments that cater to dancing and serving beverages that encourage dancing. But there is nothing wrong with this if your are semi-young semi-greyhaired and single like me. For there is nothing holding you back from dancing with future hot wives, except..... not doing it. It makes you(or me in this case) feel terrible when you do not take advantage of the opportunity of sweet innocent Baptist girls walking down the street with no parent supervision for the first time since last week. But seriously. I am not married like my travel mate so it is hard to pick up the opposite sex without explaining a 7 hour story of his relationship. Anyways, just to remind you, I am in Key West as I type right now. It is nice. It is a great place to people watch. It is fun to watch how certain situations work out between a guy that does not belong in Florida, let alone the Keys, and some girls that not only belong in the Keys but probably even in a V.S. catalog. His persistence was noteworthy but is inability to take a strong no, led to his demise. You see this guy was an imitators, trying to imitate someone that gets women. His only tools were pick up lines he read off gum wrappers and seven alligator Bombs. (basically a drink that Doctors would prescibe to a patient before open heart surgery as an form of knock out drug, but served in the Keys for only 7.00 bucks) Anyways, with everything going wrongly for him, he takes one last approach at imitating a successful ladies man, when a guy roughly the size of Shaquill O'Neal came buy yelled at him, slammed his face into the table(shattering his big coke bottle glasses into his retina), completely tore his left arm off(the one he kept touching the model with), and then used the torn off arm to beat the guy. It was really quite a site. The imitators was thrown out onto the street where he, and this is unbelievable, got right back up walk into the bar(holding his left arm in his right hand), walked right up to the bar and asked for is tab. Well those are just the sureal things that you see in Key West on any given night.

Let me catch you up on what is going on in my life. I know it has been a month or more since I wrote on this. I have been busy, I will give you the short version(one sentence version, so pay attention.) I quit my job of four years, planned on going to Thailand to teach, Thailand fell through, I locked my self in doors for a week, then applied for jobs, I played three seasons of Collage football on PS2, I had many long nights on weekdays, I went back to my old job to help out, I decided to go back full time to old job, but not until I went on a trip, and then I traveled by new Scion to the Florida Keys. That is it in a nut shell. Hopefully I will keep this updated more often now that I will have a set schedule again. Not working for 4 weeks turns your weekdays to weekends and your weekends in to just one long day. But starting Monday I get back to the grind.

Let me make this even longer and tell you about our trip. We left Saturday at 1:00 in the afternoon, and made it to Tallahassee Florida by 2:00 that night. If you don't have a calculator and a map and a Calculus book handy I will save you time and let you know that it was pretty quick. I drove every hour of it too. Not because Jay wouldn't but because I was in a zone. Anyways, we went by Florida State University that next morning and snuck into yet another stadium and got some pics with Bobby Bowden. Then we took a nice drive through pouring rain to Miami Beach. Jason drove this entire drive while I lauphed. We had a nice time there and then we drove to Key Largo(like the Beach Boys song), and had a great Scuba dive day. Saw sharks and eels. Very nice. More about the trip later. Sorry for bad grammar. Wrote half last night. Until next time.

NBA CHAMPS! and Chest Hair.

2005-06-30T00:38:00.000-05:00

Did you know that there is only three circumstances in which it is OK for a grown man in his mid to upper 20's to shed tears? First, and most importantly it is when the team that he sweats blood for, wins a Championship. More specifically it is when my San Antonio Spurs win the NBA Championship while I am sitting at the game, yelling until my ribs crack. As you can see in the picture I so cleverly placed in my blog(not exactly how I thought they would show up), I attended the Championship clinching game with my boss, his wife and some guy that said his name was "Doc Spice." The confetti is still streaming down behind us and beverages are still floating inside of us. It was a beautiful night, that ended up with a 4 hour parking jam and jumps off of highways. I know you might be thinking that the tears shed in a moment like this are tears of joy and not real tears. That is where you are wrong and I am right. Tears are Tears. Anyways, another time it is OK to let tears swell up in your eyes is if you decide to ride a ridiculous roller coaster when it is below fifty degrees out side. Much like this superman ride in Dallas. It packs a mean punch but at least you don't have to wear super hero tights. Again, you might complain that these tears are not formed by human effort but by human genetics. And again, you would be wrong and I am right. Tears are Tears. The final reason it is fine to let go of some tears is if you are watching a movie about two cripples who beat life's odds and make a good life for themselves. Now that is definitely a cause for Kleenex. Rory O'Shea Was Here is a excellent movie. I didn't cry but it is OK for anyone to cry during it and for weeks after.... excuse me a second.... sorry... just got something in my eye. Not only was this movie very moving but it was very funny as well. Same director as About A Boy. If you watch it and are not moved by it I will not only not believe you, but I will send you tickets to see Yanni next time he is in town. Ok, I am going on and on about this movie, but it is because I have nothing else to write about, which is probably why you are wondering to yourself, "When is he going to talk about chest hair, his title was 'NBA CHAMPS! and Chest Hair?'" To answer your question I just did. Until next time.

Please Pray for Free Throws

2005-06-23T00:09:00.000-05:00

Well, I not only will I not make it to my 70th birthday, but now my 60th birthday is in jeopardy after the Spurs, led by their supreme power forward Tim Duncan, clanked their way to a game seven in the NBA finals. Me and 200,000 other silver and black blooded fans packed into every bar, restaurant and closet in downtown to view what was sure to be the Spurs finest moment. A third Championship in 7 years. I viewed the game at the famous Menger Hotel in the lobby bar. Seventy-five of us shared a hand held television to watch in agony as the Spurs decided that they do not like their fans and lost in a most disturbing way. They turned the ball over and missed free throws. Lets dissect each of these to further explain. A turnover is when the Spurs have the ball and are trying to score baskets and in stead of easily tossing the ball into the orange rim, they tap one of the Detroit players on the arm, getting there attention, and then place the ball in their hands, and say, "here you go, you take it, we don't like our fans." Well to be honest it might not be in English considering each the Spurs players have mailing addresses in different countries. A turnover is the second worst thing you can do in a game. It is unfortunately the Spurs second best ability. Their first and greatest crappy accomplishment is missing free throws. Being born with a brain and 10 toes immediately qualifies each of us to know without being taught what the definition of FREE is. "Getting something that cost you nothing, and makes you happy nine times out of ten." The Spurs get FREE throws regularly, but missed the memo I guess that said you are supposed to make them, because they are FREE. When a restaurant has FREE food night, the place is packed with people taking advantage of FREE food. Tim Duncan missing these FREE throws has caused me to do something drastic, I BLAME HIM, and him alone if the Spurs do not take the championship belt away from Rasheed Wallace(the guy with the weird gum spot on the back of his head.) It has caused me to take other drastic steps as well. I have been using some prayers to try and help Duncan's FREE throw problem. I only have a limited amount of prayers I offer a day so I had to cut out a few people I pray for. Mainly just the terminally ill. I figure those are high priority prayers, and if I use some of those for Timmy then maybe he will make some FREE throws. Well, it is getting late and I have about 45 minutes of proof reading to go so I will end this now. Every one stop what you are doing, fold your hands together, close your eyes and repeat after me, "Dear Lord," your turn
"please drop a bag of a million dollars in Kevin's lap. Thank you!" your turn Until next time.

All Personalities on Hold.

2005-06-20T22:43:00.000-05:00

We(me and the other personalities) had a group discussion and decided letting you three in on the next personality could wait. I mean you have already waited two weeks! So, what I needed to discuss was the big news of a certain Big Shot. "Big Shot Bob" to be exact. The San Antonio Spurs secret weapon. Well, he is a secret to women soccer fans, The Ellen Show viewers and Howard Dean voters. Because, if you have ever turned on the NBA playoffs in May-June then you have seen the weapon I am talking about. Robert Horry. He has been one of the most clutch performers in the history of the NBA. He has hit Big Shots with the Houston Rockets, and The Evil Empire(read: Lakers) and now my San Antonio Spurs. I say "my" because I have invested my health to their well being. When they lose, I lose weeks off my life. When they win, I lose weeks off my life. The Spurs have a knack at making there games appear as a loss for 99.9% of the game. Then they throw "Big Shot Rob" out there to take care of the last .01%. This is no way to view a Spurs game. But it is also a good way to make sure you will see the game for years to come, making their games what sports nuts call "Instant Classics." The Spurs played in this fashion last night and now I will not make it to my 70th birthday. "Big Shot Bob" made 21 of the Spurs last 34 points giving him him the title of "Legend of the Game." Not to change gears, but I have to do a little bragging of my own. I have a job in witch famous people visit me never. Mainly because I don't work in L.A., but also because I make less then Sonic skate girls. But that is not the point. The point is I am close to being re-nick-named "Big Shot Borris." For I sent a emergency overnight package to New York for non other then the most tan Desperate Housewife. I am sure it is illegal to use her name on here. But she is now Tony Parker's biggest fan on the court, she is my most famous customer off the court. I think I am her favorite mail stud. I'm sure she liked the fact that I stood there unable to talk, and I just mailed her package and even fronted her a dime. So, now maybe I have an in in Hollywood. But lets get back to reality. I will not be blogging tomorrow night because I will be downtown running the streets with 200,000 other ecstatic Spurs fans, when they close out the 2005 Playoffs with a victory. Hopefully. Until then!

The Five Personalities of Kevin - Part 3

2005-06-06T22:20:00.000-05:00

I struggle with sharing so much about my self, with how easy identity theft is these days. So I will not be sharing any credit card numbers or checking routing numbers. But I will let you in on a second figment of my imagination. He is someone I should contact more when I try and spell with my own personality. He is my oldest personality, and he laughs that I have as much grey hair as he does. I remind him that the are wisdom streaks. Truth is, it is in his case. So, here is my brainiac personality.

3. He is a professor. He reads almost 18 hours a day, and has bad eyesight from reading in an insufficiently lit room. He went to school to learn not party. He loves English. I made him up because I am English illiterate. He got a Masters in English, and knows every word in the dictionary, the meaning and origin or the word as well. He was runner up twice at the Scripps Spelling Bee as a child and has never really let go of the pain of defeat. We other personalities here him mumble the spelling of the word, appoggiatura, over and over, emphasizing that there are two "g's" and not one. He is basically a dork, a book nerd have you. But he comes in handy almost never. He does read out loud sometimes putting the rest of us to sleep, but he has occationaly read something interesting. However, we still laugh at him. Since he is the oldest, like I said before, we do respect him enough to not kick him out as a personality, and have even used his elderly wisdom to settle spats between the personalities. I let him think he settled some fights because I know it would crush him to know that it is really me who starts and ends all scuffles. If you want to see a picture of him and see a bit more of his boring credentials, click here. Now I have to go get in bed, I think he is going to finish To Kill A Mockingbird, tonight and I have run out of sleeping pills. Until next personality.

The Five Personalities of Kevin - Part 2

2005-06-02T23:09:00.000-05:00

Since I promised to let you in on my conversation fabrications, I will let you know about my talented left brained personality.

2. He is a singer. He tends to wear pants that are too tight and wares a ridiculous hat. A cowboy hat to be specific. He has written songs entitled "If Whiskey Were A Woman I'd Be Married For Sure," "My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field While Your Dear John Was Breakin' My Heart," and "Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed." Me and the other personalities make fun of his songs. He plays guitar but only knows 3 notes, so all his songs are a bit repetitious. He likes to ride horses and he likes his women to have the ability to spit watermelon seeds over 30 feet. He wears boots made out of snakes and constantly taps his left foot on the ground. He tends to be the dorkiest of my personalities. He tries to dance the two step and the half step, but only ends up doing a one and a half. He tries though. He gets girls for the sole reason of being up on a stage with a guitar and singing. It is just that the girls he usually gets have mullets and are stronger then him. This personality lives up in the Wyoming area but travels around the middle northern central four states promoting his CD by playing concerts at county fairs and nursing homes. He borrowed some money from one of the more successful personalities but he did start up a web site where you all can check in on his progress. You can even buy a shirt. So instead of sending five dollars to my fan club, you can pay 22 bucks for a shirt of my country singer personality. Well I got to get back to listening to one of his more racy titles, "I Can't Fly My Kite No More Cause My Wife Won't Give Me Any Tail." Check out his web site here and join the fan club. Until next personality.

The Five Personalities of Kevin - Part 1

2005-05-26T23:47:00.000-05:00

Since it is not fair to say that my blog page is an international success, I will pretend it is and I will share with you all a bit more about myself. When I have talked to myself, which I do often, I found I got bored just talking to myself. To remedy this I created 4 other personalities. Now I can carry on several conversations with myself and never get bored. I will start with my own personality and then delve into the four I have created for myself, to keep me company, over the next few blogs.

1. I am a regular guy. Soon to be extremely muscular and rich. I tend to exaggerate when ever I think people will believe me. I like banana pudding and lunchables. I work at a mail center where I help people all day with a smile and sore feet. I enjoy movies, and try to watch one each night. I write a blog to pass the time and work on my English. I can juggle but can't use a hula hoop. I like to read books, but don't like to read the end of them. I like to make up the ending and I find that if I finnish the book it is never as exciting as what I had already made up. I play many sports and am great at them all in my mind, my body is seldom as good as my mind thinks it is. I prefer Adidas over Nike, mainly because of price. I collect shot glasses, and have over 200 of them. There is a story behind each one of them, non involving alcohol. I tend to exaggerate when I think people will believe me. I know very little about electronics except that they are expensive and filled with wires. It has been covered that I have little fashion sense. But I have little fashion sense. I like to travel. I have traveled in over 32 states. I have swam in 3 or the 4 major oceans. I have visited five continents. I have coke cans in three different languages. I am a big fan of the Amazing Race. I can be ready for work in 11 minutes if I have too. I like to order Chimichangas at Mexican restaurants and rate them on a 1-5 scale. I have had eight cavities on one visit to the dentist. I'm versatile, creative and right handed. I make things up almost never. Until next personality.

It's Spreading! (no, not my rash)

2005-05-24T23:36:00.000-05:00

I am still out of my funk, but I have a bunch going on right now. Unlike some of my friends that are still in school, I have no tests to study for or no papers due tomorrow. What I do have, is a rare medical condition. I have had symptoms for the few weeks. They are slightly high temperatures, sleeplessness, irritation of the phyche, and disscolored blood. What I have is widely common thoughout the USA and the Globe for that matter. I have a strand that is more concentrated in southern Texas, though traces are being seen all around the world, like Argentina, France, Slavanina, and Krystucxhgystgzan. I believe the origin of this medical condition was found in the Virgin Islands and transferred to Wake Forrest where it stayed stagnate for four years. It has been in the San Antonio and surrounding area for much of the past 7 years now. I caught it early in 1999 and have been battling it off an on. I feel the symptoms the strongest from late April until early June. We are smack dab in the middle of this season. I am of course talking about Spurs Fever, caused by silver and black running through the veins. With the Spurs just 6 victories away from taking home their 3rd Championship trophy in 6 years I believe I have it worse then ever. This has caused me to be a little lackadaisical when it comes to keeping my 6 friends entertained. I think I would make more blogs if I made 10 million a year, like Tim Duncan. Ok, I would probably pay Dave Barry to write them for me, then I would pay thousands of people to read it. But what I have is 6 people reading my no pay blog. Anyways, I am starting to ramble. Lets keep focused this next two and a half weeks. The Spurs come first then, getting big at the gym, then sleep, then blogs. Now I need to go take some medicine for this fever. Go Spurs Go, Untill next time.

The Funk, The Force and the Wardrobe

2005-05-17T02:22:00.000-05:00

Can I start off by saying that I have been in a funk lately? Of course I can, first off, this is my blog and second, it has been obvious I have been in a funk lately. I have not had many entries lately, and the only reason I have found(and I looked for like an hour)is that I have been in a funk. A good old fashion funk. If you do not know what a funk is I will save you a trip to the phone book. It is when your motivation to do something dips below a 3 on the 1-10 motivation scale, founded by Hulk Hogan I think. I was at 1 for about a month. A further definition of funk is when you can find excuses to not do something you should, and usually these excuses are terrible. I found that doing absolutely nothing was easier then working on a blog entry. I would read newspapers that were weeks old, label all my underwear and socks, and organize all my past due bills, anything to keep from blogging. I did not think I could ever write a blog again. This nasty funk was unfortunately spread from another area, that being my workout routine. I had discovered it is way easier to not work out and lay in bed until 30 minutes before I should be at work, then to wake up early work out and be sore for weeks. I think this is where my blogless funk started. If my funk would only spread to my eating habits I would be skinny. Anyway, I am happy to announce, and I hesitate announcing this, but I have officially lost my funk. Actually it is probably hiding in my reading habits, but I will let it hang out there for a while. This way I can blog more and become insainly muscular(hot).

Did every one know what happens on this Thursday morning at 12:01 in the a.m.? It is simply a large gathering of dorks, but I like to disguise that definition with Star Wars Anonymous. People have had their tickets under lock and key over the past two weeks, and have polished there Darth Masks to wear to the opening of the newest installment of Star Wars. All you ladies should take note, that every movie theater will have a huge number of single men. Probably the largest gathering of singles since the last Star Wars movie came out, or the last Star Trek convention(but I guess they are one in the same). Anyways, who would go to a movie at midnight, knowing they have to be up the following morning at 7:00 am to work? Foolish. I guess the same kind of person that has tried to use the Force to retrieve the remote control from the other side of the room.

Does anyone of you 6 think that their closet is full of a wide variety of clothes? What an impossible task. Keeping up with trends, keeping up with brands, and keeping up a savings account while keeping up with the others. I made A's B's and an ocational C in school but I have a F in the wardrobe department. I have my closet divided into two parts. Extremely stained and less noticable stained. In each of those groups I have sub groups. Flowered and t-shirts. I have one shirt that the others in the closet have made stand alone by itself. That would be my lone trendy shirt. I am known, when I go out, as the guy in the flowered shirt or the same trendy shirt guy. My jeans are all the same color. I have one pair that looked ruined when I bought them, with all sorts of bleach lines in them, they are my lone trendy pair. I won't talk about my shoe situation, because I'd like to keep some dignity. I do have my name in all my underwear and socks though. Anyways, I guess I just need help in the department of shopping. I have allowed the Funk to live comfortably in my shopping habits, since birth. But, it has allowed me to have enough money to buy Darth Vader helmets. COOL, moved the remote with the Force I did! Until next time.

Costco and Graduations

2005-05-14T13:01:00.000-05:00

I have not been able to misspell words for you in a while because, I have been lost. Not Lost as in overhyped and ridiculous t.v. drama, but lost. I entered a wholesale food mart called Costco. It was as large as Disney Land. What was crazy is if you go to buy just some soap your out of luck, unless you want to buy a 120 pack of soap. I don't know about you but I like to change up my soap every couple of months. If I got this bundle I would be in my forties and still not need new soap. They sell computers there too, but again, unless your needing 5 of them at once, do not buy it here. I was there hunting for printer paper for work. So, I ventured off to the west side of the store because it looked appealing, and there was sign that said printer paper. On my way there I passed a table that had shorts all over it. The sign said "one pair 18.99", and in small print underneath it said, "must buy five pair to get this price." Seems unfair unless that is part of a uniform you wear. Ok ok I am heading toward paper, when I am yelled at by some old man with a hair-net holding what I guess is possibility of hair reaching his head. The old man was bald, but he was offering me pizza pocket samples. Being a healthy young man(and cheap) I accepted his offer of a free hot pocket sample. The olden preceded to tell me, "you can get a box of 72 of these great snacks or party hordurves and they make a great lunch or dinner. They only have 145 grams of fat and they come in a box with a shoulder strap." It sounded like a recording, and then it dawned on me that the shoulder strap was because the box was to large too put in any grocery cart. I thanked the man and moved on hearing the him grab another victim behind me. I passed another seven of these stations one serving a new kind of bread, another baked ziti to serve 16, another promised an ice-cream cone that is healthy for kids, and some non-carbonated, sugar free, taste-free drink. Nice, I had just sampled a full course meal. Snack, bread, meal, dessert, and drink. And now I was tired, so I layette on a hammock that they sell in bundles of three. While sleeping, I had a dream that I was not yet graduated from college and I was 27 years old, with car held together by pliers. I woke myself in a sweat and realized it was just a dream, for I remembered that it was not me who had not graduated, it was my friend and travel buddy Jay(to be fair it was because he changed his major about 12 times and was on the phone for 4 of the years). He graduates on Saturday I thought to myself. Then I chuckled to myself. I needed to look for a gift. But not here, unless I wanted to get his whole class the same gift. Oh, as a side note, I have a friend and travel buddy named Kenny. He is still a sophomore in college, so he should be out of college by his 31st B-day. Go Kenny. Well, I did find my paper, but it took a fork lift to take it to my car, and while in line to pay I did find something for Jay. A card. Which reminds me I have to sign all 60 of these. Until next time.

One of those days....

2005-05-09T00:11:00.000-05:00

Have you ever had one of those days? Has anyone ever told you, "Man(or woman), I have had one of those days." Have you ever said the phrase, "I have had one of those days."? What does 'one of those days' really mean? I plan on telling you. Well, I actually plan on making up what it means because I have no clue what it really means. I don't even know what my own phone number with out looking at my phone info. Anyways, what I believe it means is simply that you have encountered a day that you wish you had not encountered. A day that is filled with one annoying thing after another like cutting yourself while shaving, stepping in dog poop, cellular signal keeps fading while on an important call, difficult customers at work, snagging your favorite shirt... and so on. All of these things added up makes for 'one of those days.' I think(actually I know) that if worse stuff happens it would be categorized as a 'bad day', not just 'one of those days.' It is a fine line but a 'bad day' takes 'one of those days' and multiplies it by anywhere from 2-5 times. It would be cutting yourself while shaving and forgetting to take the tissue off the cut while meeting your blind date(not blind as in Ray), falling in dog poop on your way to a job interview, cellular fades while talking to Angelina Jolie about a possible rendezvous, customers with a gun or 90 year olds all day with bad hearing, having your shirt ripped by a mugger who takes your wallet and passport and kicks you in the face.... and so on. All of these would constitute a 'bad day' for sure. But you can not have a 'bad day' or 'one of those days' unless you had a day that would act as the placebo. I think a 'good day' would be that. I think everyday that is not 'one of those days' or a 'bad day' has to fall in the category of a 'good day.' An example of a 'good day' would be not having to shave, stepping on a wad of hundred dollar bills(then putting it in pocket), talking to Angelina with full reception bars about where to meet for dinner, having all beautiful single female customers and using the hundreds you found to buy six new shirts... and so on. I guess what I am trying to say is I guess we live life pretty much as 'one of those days.' So now when someone says they have had 'one of those days' I am just going to laugh at them and take their wallet and kick them in the face, and say "now you have had a 'bad day.'" I'm kidding of course, I would say what I always say, "yep, I know what that's like." And then I would finish cleaning the poop off my shoe, and continue helping irritating customers. Well, it has been 'one of those days' for me so I better go. I hope you all have 'good days' and stay away from 'bad days,' I got to go sew up this shirt for work tomorrow. Until next time.

Reasons My Eyes Look Like Walmart Bags

2005-05-03T01:25:00.000-05:00

Though there are probably more reasons then I have here, but here are the top five reasons my eyes are on the brink of sagging down past my jaw, and turning the color of dirty fingernails. I looked in the mirror the other night and did not recognize who I was looking at, I did just get home form a costume party but still, the point remains. I have been kept up lately and I can't think of one reason that is my own fault. So here goes.

1.) Thailand Teachers. A friend(a teacher in Thailand that is from New Jersey) that got caught up in the mob in Bangkok needed a place to lay low for a few days so she decided to travel to Texas. She learned many things while she stayed here: that there is no basement in the Alamo, that the Spurs come before everything (even friends running from Thai mob), that when camping always pack the rain tarp(see reason 3), and how many teeth a zebra has. Anyways, she was used to a time zone where she would be waking up about the time we go to sleep so we tried to cater to her needs (and there were like 2, she's not very needy) by showing her around the city all night long, all while working all day. So Jenny is a small reason my eyes are going to crap, but she is welcome back anytime, next year!

2.) The San Antonio Spurs. They seem to be playing some late games lately. And if they are on then I am watching. Usually not blinking. The thing is when they play I feel like I am there with them and I am taking charges as well. I tend to get too into the games and I think my heart rate goes up, as well as my blood pressure. Strangely enouph my cholesterol goes down. The point is even if the game ends at a decent time, it takes about 5 hours to get my body down to a level where it is safe to lay flat. Playoffs are in full swing now which even heightens my Spur watching symptoms, so I will get no reprieve here. And don't lauph at such a advanced word use, I am looking at being a teacher someday.

side note:(For anyone that cares-I know Benu Uldrih personally. I danced with his cousin and now were almost best friends. I have no proof.)

3.) Tent Rain Guard. "Do we need this bulky thing?" I think was the question asked when packing for a trip to Enchanted Rock. The temperature out side was near 100, the sky had no cloud in the sky. Our guest Jenny(see reason 1) responded, "no way, we don't need that!" Well needless to say after a brilliant day of throwing rocks at birds and rabbits, hiking up dangerous jagged rocks, and making conference calls it preceded to rain all night long. It was a ten man tent that there were 17 of us, but it seemed that only Jenny(see reason 1), Jay and I absorbed the 5 hour down pour. This and the fact that it dropped to about 20 degrees limited my sleep this night, and took about 7 years from the youthfulness of my eyes. And all because of a quick decision(see reason 1 and 3).

4.) Netflix Ok Ok... I almost place the blame of this squarely on the shoulders of me. I tend to watch too many movies but only after I have worked a 10 hour work day, watched a Spurs game, eaten, played Halo on X-box and written a blog. So it is not really my fault. I do like movies. I just don't like to go to the store to look for movies. I am lazy enouph where I like them to be mailed to my front door, which is what Netflix does. I recommend everyone to join. Not only does late night movie watching cause me to have puffier bags under my eyes, it caused me to be able to quote from a endless amount of movies. Which comes in handy, on first dates. Or other words, last dates.

5.) This blog. I should be in bed now watching my movie(see reason 4) but instead I am up writing a few words to my 7 friends. But what can I say it is a passion of mine. If it were not for this blog, I would never be able to be serious in person. This gives me a chance to let go of all the stuff that rattles around in my head. But it does not take away from the fact that it deforms this head. I'll let you know that it is 2:15 in the morning right now, and I have yet to proof read this, which takes about 2 hours(and yes I proof read, you bunch of comedians). So I better keep this short. Until next time.

Fan Clubs and Water Beds

2005-04-29T01:56:00.000-05:00

I relies that it has been some time since I have written a blog. But I need to share with you a simple but painful fact. Blog fame went to my head. Once I reached the 10 visitors a week mark I thought I could retire and live off my first two months of blogging. This was a miserable notion. Not only did this not support me, but it caused me to gain ten pounds and gave me two cavities. I am now overweight and blog idealess. I think all people are born with 10% of their brain wired for writing blogs. I used it up quick. So I need to just come up with new ways to write a blog. I need ideas for blogs. I need motivation for blogs. I need money for blogs. I think it would be a good idea for some one to start a Blogs-by-Boris Fan Club/Multi-level Marketing Scam. If each of the 5 of you each get 5 people to join the Club/Scam, and pledge $5 a month to my inspiration for blogs checking account, then I think that I could write up to two blogs a day. But I am getting ahead of my self here, it is not my place to start a club that honors me. I am just throwing the idea out there. I wouldn't mind if each of you came up with two off the wall topics and sent them to me via e-mail(kcm97m@gmail.com). I will write about the topics as long as they do not involve celery or foot odor. Maybe this will get me back to using that 10% of my size big head. Ideas are good, but I also think that motivation for writing blogs could play a big part of more consistent blogging. Although money and water bed wrestling are good motivation tools, I think I would be happy with a simple reply on each blog you read. Notice the use of you instead of ya'll. It is improper grammar to use ya'll unless your talking to a group bigger then 8. That made little since. The point is let me know in a few words what you think of the blog, if you like it stroke my ego, if you did not care for it, keep your comments to your self. It is that easy. Well, that and 5 dollars a month. Until next time or July.

Excuses are like .....

2005-04-11T23:57:00.000-05:00

I am sorry I have not written in a while, but I realized I left out a minor detail in my last blog about my horrible wreck. I shattered both arms. This has made it quite hard to type. Knowing you were anticipating a blog, I worked diligently over the last 5 days to try to figure out a new way to type. I tried with my toes(didn't work, due to the smell and lack of flexibility), I tried with a chop stick rubberbanded to my head(didn't work, splinters), I even tried holding a pencil in my mouth and using the eraser end to hit the keys(didn't work, mainly because I used sharp pencils which poked my cheek and gave me lead poisoning.) I came to find that what worked the best however, was typing nothing at all. But this is all really a big excuse for being lazy. Something that has come quite easy lately. There is nothing quite like doing nothing. Especially when stuff needs to be done. The problem is it leaves you rushing to do the things that are important until the last minute. Example: I have a test tomorrow that could change my life(more like give me one) and I have not studied yet but I will get to it. If you are a slacker you know that "not really studied but I will get to it" means "I have not studied one bit" the "I will get to it" part is thrown in to make you feel better. (I feel way better now.) Moving on. I had a crazy customer float into my store today. I want to show respect so I will not broadcast her name over the internet so I will just refer to her as Crazy Lune. Well, Crazy Lune came in wearing a out fit that was quite intresting. A giant sweater and matching pants, all made of yarn in a rainbow of colors. On Crazy Lune's t-shirt was a picture of herself, with her 15 cats. Needless to say, I was scared. I tried to help her as fast as I could so that she would go back to her cat farm, but she insisted on telling me about her single daughter and how great it would be for me to go out with her single-and-looking daughter. I'm a healthy guy in my late 20's but I think I had a mild stroke at this idea. I am not one to make judgments about someone I have never met but in this case I was quite certain that even if the gal was Miss America, the thought of Christmas dinners (Most likely tuna) and family get togethers, gave me such a fright that I just froze and turned pale. She took this as a sign that I was interested, so she got out her knit purse and dug through what must have been six thousand coupons, and retrieved a pen and paper to get my number. Being the quick thinker that I am I gave her my friend Lizen's cell number, and address. Crazy Lune then started chanting something in gibberish and then raced out the door on her broom. I then blinked for the first time in ten minutes and closed up shop. The lesson here is basically that God is sending me a sign that is it time to go out and meet girls or he is going to send them to me one way or the other. I will get too it. First, I have to let my arms heal, then I'll get to it. Until next time.

Asleep at the Wheel and Birthdays

2005-04-06T01:02:00.000-05:00

Well, it has been a while since I have updated my dork hobby. But the wait is over. I have been a bit busy over the past few days however. It is due to my other dork hobby, X-box. Halo 2 to be exact. My roommates, friends, neighbors, strangers and grandparents are all better at me on it. I have come to the realization that I am horrible at video games and need to stick to things like watching movies. I can do that better then every one except Ebert. Anyways, a notion(Def.-a bad idea compounded into a plan) popped into my head about four days ago that if I practice for 78 straight hours on the X-box that I might become competitive. Well, I tried it and it did not work. I only became a time bomb of frustration, my blood pressure went way up, and I only slept 2 hours over this period of time. A time bomb can be diffused and blood pressure can be lowered(by drinking koolade I think), but catching up on sleep is not easy. You look for little spots during the day to rest; like at lunch, during lectures by the boss, and in extreme cases while driving. I did not fall asleep at the wheel on Monday night, but I thought I was dreaming when a king size bed was about 15 feet in front of me, while driving 70 down the highway. I don't know about you but when I see a mattress in my lane on the highway my first thought is not "I wonder if I could squeeze in an hour of sleep on that." My thought went more like this, "That's a mat... *@#%!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" And I swerved out of the way. Now let me tell you first off what my experience in handling an out of control vehicle is. None, unless you count me watching hours of The Dukes of Hazard. Well as you most likely guessed, this should have caused me to roll over, go under a truck shoot out the back into the oncoming traffic, bounce around 6 more cars, and end up in a lake with a lot of pointy rocks. But I did what any screaming baby does when there brand new car is spinning down the highway, I closed my eyes and prayed. This allowed me to miss everything except the concrete wall, which I slid into like a baseball player. Thing is, I was out. The wall won. The wall retrieved paint samples from the front and rear bumpers, dislodged a important metal part from under my car, and made my nice rim look not nice. The car came away with 13 stiches and a cast on the front driver side tire, and I came out with wide eyes and smelly pants. I do not remember if I shed a tear but that is not important, what is important is that you might when I tell you that this happened on the eve of my 27th birthday, in my new car, that I have yet to make a car payment on. I guess I am just looking for pity. The important thing is that, waiting on the cop to get the crash site I managed to get in about twenty minutes of sleep. Speaking of birthdays, April is a Birthday filled month for the Morris's. There is MINE and a few others. My great older sister, who taught me how to always know what streets are parallel to the street that you are on, her birthday was 2 days before mine. I meant to let her know how much I love her on her Birthday but I was on hour 54 of my X-Box mar-a-thon, so I told her when she called me on mine(sorry). My nephew Ryan turns 7 three days after my birthday. So that is the one the whole family really looks forward too! Anyways. It has been a pretty good birthday so far today, but now I must get some rest. I have to get up early to walk to work to marrow while my car is still in recovery. Until next time.

Used Book Stores and Big News

2005-04-01T00:06:00.000-06:00

Well for those of you that have been praying for me to get better, I'm not quite well, and those of you praying for me to stop blogging, I'm over my writers block. No better way to come out of a writing fog then to step foot in a used book store. I don't think I have ever experienced any thing like that before. I think they look for extremely weird people when they hire for the job of used book librarian. The application must include the following questions: "Do you have at least 5 visible tattoos and body pearcings?, Do you get mistaken for the opposite sex?, Do you wear clothes from Goodwill?, Are you pale?" and, "If you answered 'No' to any of the above questions, rip this application up and go to Barnes and Noble." Well, they might not be in that order, but it was quite a culture shock. I have been known to read, mainly when I was 9 and I was reading to get free pizza from Pizza Hut, but I still like to pick up a book every now and then. Like just the other night I picked up a book off my dresser, wiped off the dust, read the title, got all excited, jumped in bed, got cozy, opened it up and fell asleep while reading the "this is dedicated to..." part. So what, I have trouble finishing books. I think I should get paid millions to be a book reviewer, and if I stay awake through the whole book then it has to be great. Anyways, I have to admit, after the initial shock of being in a used book store, with all those used books that have been read by complete strangers, I became sucked into its power. I started grabbing books left and right and looking at them, and being interested! I have looked at books at Borders before and have been interested, but when I looked at the same book here, and saw the $29.99 price marked down to $4.95, all of a sudden the book seemed way more interesting and manageable. When I see a $30.00 book, I am interested till it comes time to buy it and then I tell my self, "You'll never finish it!", and I set it down and run out of the store. But here at the Used Book Megastore, when I saw the $4.95 price I picked it up. And another. And another. And two more. And one last one. I checked out, and my total was $30.00. Yep, I could have just gone to the nice clean shaven voodoo free bookstore and gotten just one book to not read, but now I have SIX! At least they'll make nice coasters. Anyways, enough of that talk on to more important news. I got an e-mail this morning from a company in Boston that finds talented young writers and gives them special assignments around the world to write about. Kind of like a traveling reporter. Actually it is a traveling reporter, not kinda like one. They have offered me a position to travel through Asia and write about what I see. I am very shocked by this offer. So shocked in fact that I decided I would rather mail packages till I'm 44, and so I declined there six figure offer. And of course you all know that I am just playing an April Fools joke on you. They wanted me to travel to Africa not Asia!!!! Until next time.

Writers Block.

2005-03-31T00:03:00.000-06:00

Until next time.

Easter and Fevers

2005-03-28T01:05:00.000-06:00

Well I hope the growing number of you, or all 7 of you had a great Easter. I did. I spent it with family, which was fun. I am however not having fun right now. I am pretty sure that I am running a pretty high fever because the keys are melting as I type on them, making it harder for me to misspell words. So I have decided to keep this short. Basically I have always had the power to do that. But I will use it now. So just go to this website and waste the time you would have if you were reading a longer blog of mine. Click here and have fun. Until next time.

An Untypical Day of a Typical Blogger.

2005-03-25T01:30:00.000-06:00

In case you wanted to know what it is like to walk in my shoes for one day, and even in case you didn't want to know, I am going to tell you. I will explain it using a method passed down from Moses, time chart style.
3:00 a.m.-7:00 a.m. Drool.
7:06 a.m. Snooze.
7:15 a.m. Snooze.
7:24 a.m. Snooze.
7:33 a.m. Snooze.
7:42 a.m. Snooze.
7:51 a.m. Check time(fuzzy), Snooze.
7:59 a.m. Grab glasses, check time, cuss, run to car.
8:00 a.m. Realize I have no clothes on, run back to room put shirt on backwards, take quick deodorant shower, think about how nice it would be to wake up early so that a nice breakfast could be made, get in car drive off, leaving garage doors open and sign that says "robbers this way" on.
8:01 a.m. - 8:20 a.m. Drive really fast from stale red light to the next (6 in all), cuss 6 times, think about excuse for not showing up at 8:00 a.m., park.
8:21 a.m. - 12:00 Stand on energized feet, sort mail, check e-mail, chat on MSN, watch ESPN, develop a hunger, and help wonderful customers mail packages with a smile.
12:00 - 2:00 p.m. Stand on weakening feet, develop hunger pains, try to smile while helping a line of 70 people mail their packages.
2:00 p.m. - 6:00 p.m. Stand on feet that feel like bricks and hurt really bad and are in danger of growing into the concrete, eat my right arm in between yelling at customers to give me there stinking packages to mail, work really hard to be ready to leave the office at 6:00 p.m.
6:00 p.m. - 7:20 p.m. Sit and wait to leave work till the post man drops the days mail off. Find out he decided to have dinner before he came buy the store. Threaten mail mans life. Cry.
7:35 p.m. Run by parents house to find food, and sew arm back on.
7:50 p.m. - 9:00 p.m. Stand in line at post office and process all the mail that people dropped off all day. Dive home. Collapse right inside doorway.
9:15 p.m. - 11:30 p.m. Watch daily netflix movie. Today's happened to be Clay Pidgeons. A good mystery. Slowly get feeling back in feet.
11:35 p.m. - midnight Eat a big bowl of Blue Bell ice cream and stare at wall.
Midnight - 1:00 a.m. Watch a burned copy of Tuesdays episode of Amazing Race. (by the way it was the best one yet. I recommend watching it starting next Tues at 8:00 p.m. on CBS. (shameless plug)
1:00 a.m. - Present Write a terribly depressing blog about a miserable day. Include zero jokes.
Around 2:30 a.m. Go to sleep. Alone.

Free Advice. Part 1 of 1

2005-03-23T01:06:00.000-06:00

The following are a few things I have learned over the past few days. Hopefully they will help you. They should if your a 26 year old single male with above average chest hair. If your not then think of something your mom told you when you were little and now agree with.

Lesson 1: When buying a new car, think about your friends first. Your first thought might be to want something that you can show off to all your friends like a slick car with a nice interior, spacious leg room, a bumping system, mood lights, and coffee maker. Unfortunately this will get you in trouble, because they WILL enjoy all these features. They will enjoy them every time they needs a ride somewhere, weather it be to the mailbox or to Spain. So I come back to, when you buy a new car think of your friends first. If most of your friends have long legs get a car with no leg room. If most of your friends have ears get one with no stereo. If most of your friends like coffee get one with no coffee maker. I learned this lesson the hard way. I got one with all these options and I have already expired my warranty and I haven't even gotten my permanent license plates yet.

Lesson 2: When buying groceries, eat before you go. Now I know that you may have heard this one before from everyone from your grandma to Daffy Duck. But I hope that hearing this from me, will help it set in, because I have graying hair and I learned the hard way, as seems to be a habit. I went to H.E.B. today to pick up some lunch meat and walked out with breakfast, lunch, tea, snack, dinner, dessert, and midnight snack for the next 6 years. I walked every isle in the store and must have bought 3 things of each color of the rainbow on each shelf on each row. I started getting hungrier as I went and after 4 baskets full I left the store broke. It took me 45 minutes to unload my car and another 2 hours to put all the food away. Now it is time to eat. I started looking throughout the crammed packed cabinets, and the stuffed fridge, trying to find that perfect food to quench this now danger level hunger. And I could not find one thing that sounded good enough to eat. So I settled for a bowl of cereal that I had before I even went to the store. I just wish I had eaten before I went. well, now I guess I can go pick up all my friends in my car and bring them over for food. Until next time.

Lab Rats and The Office

2005-03-20T23:06:00.000-06:00

Hello, to all. I wanted to be the first person to tell you this. I am OK. I made it 10 weeks taking a non-public experimental allergy medication. I know no one else would probably tell you this, because no one else cares, but I thought I would just throw it out there that I am OK. The medication did cause me to sprout an ungodly amount of chest hair and I will be suing for that but, for all heath purposes, I am OK. We finished our time off with a 48 hour stayover. This is the part where you really earn your money. They coop you up in a hospital ward, stick a huge plastic needle in your vein that they draw blood from every 15 minutes, serve three small meals a day, and require you to stand on one foot. Really, it is not so bad though. They have 20 T.V.'s, a ping pong table, foos ball table, pool table, pay phone, water dispenser, tons of board games, internet, 6 couches, and clocks that all coordinate. I think that if I were to learn about a study that would cause me to have to stay more then 2 days there I would tell them, "Only if you pay me a bunch, and I can have two pillows." We lucked out on our stay, the NCAA Tournament was starting while we were locked up. So we watched basketball from 12 noon until 12 midnight. Breaking only to pee in a jug, eat and give blood. Between March madness upsets, I would take on Jay in ping pong, and loose severely. This caused me to play Chris who I lost to barely, leaving me to only play this old lady that kept telling me that she loves puzzles, and she has seven grand kids. I beat her 21 - 0. They had a DVD player there but I never got to watch any of the movies I brought. (advertisement - Netflix is a great money making opportunity-just sign up for it and they will make much more money, but you will have unlimited rentals.) I brought some Netflix movies with me, one being The Office: Special. I have watched Season one and two over the past month and it has been about my favorite show ever, minus Duck Tales and Baywatch. It is British humor which makes it funny on its own but the characters are all great. It had a nice sappy happy ending so I am at a loss of something amusing to say about it right now. I am still clearing my eyes. But I recommend renting it. Do be warned that there is some language that is not appropriate for parents, grandmothers, children under 23, priests or easily confused people. If you ever watch it all, I am still waiting for something like the ending to happen to me. I guess another movie update I have is I watched The Incredibles, and thought it was good, not to boast but I saw a lot of me in every character in the film. I'm not saying I'm incredible I'm just saying that, maybe little bits and parts of me are, and I saw that in the film. I am kidding of course and tired. So I'm off, until next time.

Bingo Blotters and Mail Tales

2005-03-16T23:37:00.000-06:00

Well it has been a while since a wrote, which must be obvious from my corny title. But anyways, I want to tell you that I played a bit of Bingo last night. Not some cheap online version, not some picture Bingo on a road trip, but real Bingo. Do you know why I knew it was real Bingo? It was because there were over twenty people that were at least 100 years old, it was played at a place called Knights of Columbus, whose founders still work there and make up most of the people over 100, and there was a huge electronic bingo board that said "Real Bingo." A few celebrity Bingo players were in attendance as well. The lady that sat next to us, who was from The Nursing Home State, had just won $7,500.00 at the Florida Bingo Championships the month before. Amazing. She said there was over 3,500 people playing in that arena, which is triple the amount of an average WNBA game. We had a strong 350 participants playing, though I think a couple passed away while during the games. But that didn't stop them from playing. Amazing. I don't know if you know Bingo lingo, but they have what you call a blotter that helps you play the game. In stead of using a pencil of a crayola to mark the numbers on your card you can use this blotter. It is basically a shoe polish looking container that dobs out different color ink. They are boring to tell the truth, that is why people, that must have nothing to do, create cute bags to carry all there dobbers and bingo supplies. A normal bingo bag consists of at least 8 dobbers(in pouches lining the outside of the bag), beet sandwiches, Diet Rite, extra hearing-aid batteries, copies of past winning cards, a seat cushion with a bingo numbers design, an empty container for teeth, and a gun. One lady even had a knitted hand that would exstend futher up then her own which had bells on the fingers and Bingo spelled across the palm with yarn. Amazing. I have been to Spurs games that have not had as much tension in the air, as a packed Bingo hall. I think I read on www.theonion.com that Bingo may be in the next Goodwill games, to take the place of gymnastics. I am sure you are wondering, "Well, Kevin how did you do?" I will tell you, I never even came close to winning. I got beat every time. I am going to keep my head up though and maybe after another year of dedication, I will be at the Bingo Championships next year going toe to toe, against the best in the sport, that is if they are still around. Amazing.

I want to take a second and acknowledge a great lady that I have been seeing almost every night for the past 4 years. Her name is Peggy and she works at the busiest and most efficient post office in North America. She has been working there for over 60 years and she is only 39. She is directly responsible for all postage increases, and has a hand in all mail that does not make it to its destination on time. Just Kidding. But she has put up with questions about that for so long she is moving to the back of the main post office, where she will sit on a thrown and throw darts at people that are slacking, and reading your People magazine before you get it. I have been taking mail to her and the others there for 4 years and it will not be the same to stand in line for 3 hours a night and not see Peggy. So here's to Peggy and her new relocation, and may she have another speedy replacement!

Until next time.

Scuba Pictures and King Ranch

2005-03-14T02:15:00.000-06:00

As I have thoroughly explained, I am a professional scuba diver now and demand respect. The pictures below are from my journey to Australia with my friend Jay. He was very disappointed about the whole trip because he learned that his cellular phone did not have coverage underwater. He pulled through though and we had a great time on our two day two night scuba dive adventure. We met some interstice people most of which I have already forgotten completely. We had several near death experiences (shark attacks, pirates, and sea sickness) but came out better people in the end. I'll never eat another fish with out thinking first about how sweet and innocent they look. Except that one I jabbed with a spear and carried around like a Kings scepter. I really did have a great time on this dive adventure, and I am eager to go on many more. Problem is it tend to cost money. So I will have to continue to just swim around the pool with a snorkel on, and pretend diving rings are fish. Enjoy the pictures.

I need to share some breaking news with you as well. I am going to add master chief to my non existent resume, for I made with my own hands (I just remembered I didn't wash them first) King Ranch Casserole. I got the recipe from my good friend Leigh Hicks, who I've known since before I have had grey hair, or 8, I can't remember what came first. She has had the recipe in her family for well over 3 months. So I am honored that she gave it to me. I don't mean to brag, but it was kind of good. I'm kidding it was great. Minus the chicken being a bit pink and me misreading 12 cups of cream of mushroom instead of 1, it was fabulous. I think two of you know me well, and the others have probably hear in the news that I don't cook. I think the extent of my cooking usually involves reheating pizza. I can however make any kind of cereal, and I think it is safe to say I am very good at that. Come to think of it I am good at making Pop-Tarts as well. But now I can add King Ranch to this list. Who knows, I might be the next Emeril. Have a good day. Until next time

2005-03-14T01:34:00.000-06:00

In case you didn't believe me when I shared with you about using the sink, the shower and the toliet at the same time. Here is proof how small the latrine really was.
Pics by Boris