Simple Tips for Setting New Years Resolutions

What a great time of year! We get three paid Holiday's from work in a span of five weeks, we eat enouph food to cure starvation in Africa, we get presents, we give presents, we steal presents from cars because we have been laid off from work and are desperate criminals, and we come to that point were it is time to set goals for the following year. Setting goals can be quite scary though. Especially when sitting next to the pad of paper you want to write your goals on is last years list of goals with only two things checked off, one being "write a list of goals for 2005". I have to tell you that I am a absolute pro at writing down my goals each year. I meticulously categorize them and can fill a legal size page in just under an hour. In fact I will set a goal right now. I will in the remainder of this blog give each of the 4 of you that read on Wednesdays 5 simple tips to better resolution setting. You may read things that are hard for you to grasp, but I feel that in 4 of the past 9 years that I have set goals for myself I have learned helpful tips. So lets get started.

Tip 1.)- KEEP IT GUARDED - I think that most resolutions are set and shared with others to openly. I have made a goal in the past to go on at least 6 dates during the year. I think I did not meet this goal because I would start my conversation with the girl like this, "Hi, I have a goal to date 6 of you this year, and it would be great if you could be the first. Your eyes are beautiful, and your smile brightens up the room." The thing is I was usually left saying the last sentence to her back as she walked off. Maybe if I would just not be quite so open with my resolution, then maybe things would have gone different, which doesn't explain why I am still dateless, but it does let us all know, what ever your goal is just be sure to keep it discreet. No need for everyone to know what your goals are. That way if you don't meet them that year, not one person will know.

Tip 2.) - KEEP IT ORGANIZED - There is no worse feeling then thinking you accomplished one of your goals and then taking a closer look and realizing that you didn't. This most commonly happens when you have no format in which to set resolutions too. Setting a goal about losing weight and placing right next to saving money, can cause mistakes. You don't want to start being relieved that your on the right track when you are really losing money and saving weight. So I, and I think I am the only one, other then most publishing companies have come up with a super organized way to keep this occurrence from happening. Split them in to categories! Seems easy, but I bet you want to know what categories. And you guessed it, there are 5 of them. Well, to be honest I use 6, but the last one for personal reasons, that you may find helpful too.

1. Financial Goals- This is where you will set goals pertaining to saving money, spending less money on things you shouldn't(prostitution, drugs), spending more on things you should(family,poor bloggers), and setting up IRA's and what not.
2. Physical Goals - Here you will list goals that pertain to your body. Mainly if you want to lose weight list it here, if you want to lose a ton of weight maybe list it under financial goals for a procedure. "Changing your hairdo," or "brushing teeth more regularly" are all good ones for this area. "Look more like Matthew McConaughey" is not.
3. Recreation Goals - This would consist of going to the gym more, playing basket ball in a league, learning an instrument. These are all good. Yoga, Water aerobics, Stretching more. These are all bad.
4. Relationship Goals - Pretty self explanatory here. If your single put find someone that will make you happy. If your not single put why did I not listen to my goals last year. JK.. Maybe a good spot to put listen more, or get better at pretending to listen, I wouldn't know though.
5. Spiritual Goals - If we were all as perfect as Gandhi and Mother Teresa then this would be the only column we would need. But this is an important column. Without God no goal is possible, plus he will be standing next to you when you write these so it would be rude if you didn't.
6. Mental Goals - I add this to my list each year because.... Wait I can't tell you because the first rule is keep you goals Guarded. Ill give you a hint though, it has to do with having a mind that never shuts off.

Tip 3.) - KEEP IT AVAILABLE - What could be worse then getting into a situation where you think you may be accomplishing one of your resolutions, and then not knowing for sure because you do not have your list with you. I know this tip does not help in the formation of goals but I have found it is key to checking off more goals as completed. Example. Three years ago I looked much like I do now, only slightly less gray haired, but I had set a goal to give to the poor. I found my self downtown one night walking to my car when a strangely scented fellow stopped me in my tracks to ask if I could lend (yes lend) him .90 cents so that he could finally pay for a bus ticket that would allow him get back to his wife. Well I froze. I could not remember my goals, the story and the smell of booze had me all confused and I walked off saying, "Sorry I'm fresh out of change." I got home and immediately checked my list under Financial Goals and sure enouph I listed, "Give to the poor." Needless to say this happens no more. I now have a laminated miniature copy of my resolutions that I keep in my wallet so this sort of thing does not happen again. So I just suggest for you to do the same.

Tip 4.) - KEEP IT LOGICAL - There is no need to be filling your New Years Resolutions with goals that you have no business reaching. I made the mistake about 5 years ago of putting all sorts of things down. Like "Fly to the Moon, to Hang Up There with the Stars" and "Star in sequel to Dumb and Dumber" These are non logical goals to be setting for yourself. These are goals we are talking about, not dreams! I do however allow myself, and I suggest you do the same if you would like, to add a footnote to the bottom of your page of goals, and list three Un-logical goals, mainly because it makes all the other goals so much easier to obtain when you see unlogical goals written down that are far fetched. This year I may use these in my foot note section. "Star in the sequel to Dumb and Dumber"; "Own every cereal at one time and place one piece from each box into a bowl and eat it"; and "Get a girlfriend."

Tip 5.) - KEEP IT SIMPLE - These last two tips seem similar but it really is not. Tip five sugests to keep from having dreamy goals that are unattainable. Keeping it Simple means just that, keep your goals simple. I had a bad habit of not keeping my goals simple. They would be paragraphs long and would describe each level of my goal, how long I would need to keep the goal accomplished before I could knock it off the list, and it was just a pain to read. My first goals I set in 1994 was 17 pages long, and I only set 5 goals. But I have learned to keep it simple lately and I now have short easy to read goals all listed in nice categories. There is no need to have a goal of, "I must lose 16 pounds by Valentines Day, another 12 by Labor Day, 15 more by July 4th, 14 more by Fall, 11 more by thanks giving and 10 more(If your adding that is 78 pounds total) by New Years Eve all the while I will having to attend 6 workout classes a week and can only eat fruit while the sun is in the sky." This is not a simple goal. Change that to "Lose some weight." Perfect. Sounds much less daunting and if you ever lose a pound during the year, you can cross it off your list.

Well I hope these five tips help you in this time of setting New Years Resolutions. This has been my brochure of setting goals, but I do have a 6 disc CD set if you want to hear my lectures on the subject available to purchase. Just send me three easy payments of $29.99, and once that third check clears you'll get the series mailed to you free. And I will get to mark a goal off my list. "Dupe someone with a money making scheme or multi-level marketing." So before I let you go I wanted to be sure you had one last reminder of the Simple Tips for Setting New Years Resolutions. (and I wanted to point out that my five tips spell G.O.A.L.S. :)

1. Keep it Guarded
2. Keep it Organized
3. Keep it Availible
4. Keep it Logical
5. Keep it Simple
Until next time.

The Christmas Cheer and Funk

MERRY CHRISTMAS to everyone! If I was even a halfway diligent blogger I would have posted this greeting on or before Christmas Day, but for what it is worth there it is. Let me get this off my chest early in this blog. I am in a funk. I have written about a funk before but it was more of a lifting weights funk and being lazy. I woke up this afternoon and felt a surprising force pressing in on me from all angles. I felt squished by a unknown funk is all I can describe it as, a squishing like a scuba suit that is too small. I don't have fever, I don't have a runny nose, I don't even have any unusual rashes. All I can think up is that it is a funk. I just looked up the definition of a FUNK and now I am scared. According to www.answers.com, a funk is 1. A state of cowardly fright; a panic 2. A feeling or spell of dismally low spirits 3. A type of popular music combining elements of jazz, blues, and soul and characterized by syncopated rhythm and a heavy, repetitive bass line. I take it that a Funk is a scared depressed guy panicking with a a nice beat in his head. So maybe I need to describe my feelings a bit different, because even though I always have a nice beat with some elements of jazz and blues going through my head most hours, I don't think I am depressed coward. But who knows really. If any of you can think of another name for never really getting it together through out the course of a day please let me know. By "it" I mean finishing a task, completing a thought, matching my clothes. So please send in your suggestions on what this state of being would be called if it is not simply a funk. When I have been in these self described funks before, I have blamed it on the fact that my head, which can unsurprisingly hold a lot of stuff, is filled to the graying brim with thoughts and wonders. Random thoughts and wonders are all compressed and multiplied, unzipped and strung out in no discernable order, like this blog tonight. Speaking of random thoughts, I want to go back to the simple word, funk. I have found much more interesting information about the word. I found many synonyms of funk like; poltroon, pusillanimity, apprehension, dejection, panic, syncopated rhythm, and cool beats. Did you know that in Spanish a funk is translated sobresalto, in Portuguese it is dançar, in Italian it is pauroso, in Dutch it is het modieus zijn, in Greek it is κοψοχολιάζω, and finally in London it is stilll just funk but with a weird accent. Crazy. So please help me come up with a new word to call a day in my life that seems to go in no real direction and where thoughts fill the hours, minutes, and seconds and cause me to repeat myself over and over. So please help me come up with a new word to call a day in my life that seems to go in no real direction and where thoughts fill the hours, minutes, and seconds and cause me to repeat myself over and over.
Ok, sorry for the depressing talk. Let's move on to the real highlight of the past few days. GETTING PRESENTS!!!!! Now, take a minute and think about what you got and then don't tell me because I don't care. Haha I'm kidding. Ofcourse I like to get presents over Christmas, but there is something about giving a gift that is better to me. Christmas is the one day of the year I wish I had Oprah Winfrey's bank account so that I could get everyone the gifts they deserve and want. Every other day of the year I just wish I had Donald Trump's bank account. So, I am left buying only gifts that I can afford. You see my mom deserve more then simple disposable hand warmers, she deserves a car with heated seats, my brother deserves more then a paperback novel, he deserves a stack of hundred dollar bills as thick as a paperback novel. My friends deserve more then 3-for-1 priced DVD's, they deserve high-end suits tailored for each, luggage from Coach and a night out on the town. But the reality is I am left with buying presents that try to mean something even though they are from the clearance rack from Wal-mart.(Is that a double negative?) Anyways, I did more then OK on the receiving end this Christmas. I got all new bedding for my bed, I mean real bedding with throw pillows and every thing. Now my pillow cases match for once and there is no more Ninja Turtle sheets. My bed now outclassess not only my room, but my closet too. Though I did get a upgrade to my closet as well. I now have a friend for my two trendy shirts. I got a shirt that is probably going to make me attractive, mainly because women will be stairing at my shirt instead of me. I got some workout clothes from a friend that works where I work out. I guess it was a hint that my stained one size too small shirts that I wear to the gym are bad for business. I of course got socks this Christmas, which happens each year just as wild office Christmas parties seem to happen each year as well. I got some sweet Texas Longhorns gear that I will be able to wear to the 2006 Rose Bowl in Pasadenaa California where the National Champions will be crowned. Yes, I am bragging:) Let's see what else did I get, oh yeah... I got enouph candy to rot out even all of Steven Tyler's(from Arrowsmith) teeth. Interestingly enouph 2/3rd of that candy was given to me by a dentists' daughter, at least I know a place to fill the coming cavitiess. But that was basically it for me. My friends all seemed to rake it in getting vacuums, weed-eaters, set of tools(no I'm not talking about my grandpa here), weddi... err... nice diamond rings, digital cameras, loads of cash and so much more. So I hope each of you got what you wanted and if you didn't I hope that it didn't leave you in a funk. Take care and start thinking of your New Years resolutions. Until next time.

Imaginations Gone Wild!

My guess was right. Only a few would respond. There was a tie at one a piece all day long until the tie was broken this evening. The winner is the lonely looking girl sitting at the end of the dock. Forgive me if I do not have my A game, for I used it up on the basketball court tonight. I made six baskets and only have three serious bruises. First time the numbers were not the other way around! Ok, I eed to let you know that all that is coming to me for some reason tonight, is rhymes. So another reason I am scared to even start this is the fact that I believe I will write a poem about this gal on the dock. Here goes.

I sit here on the dock today,
wasting my whole day away,
just continuing to remember him,
and all the faces he made back then.
I know now that I should be strong,
but I keep seeing him in every song,
I just can not seem to shake,
these feelings that I seem to make.
I guess I know it just can't be,
my teary eyes can no longer see.
So I sit here were we first met,
and I carry my pain like in a net.
He Loved this dress I now wear,
he was perfect and that I swear.
We could hang out for hours on in,
Now I just sit and remember when.
He Loved my hair, he Loved my nose,
Adored my eyes, always telling me so.
I Loved his smile, his soothing voice,
he would be here now if I had a choice.
But I don't, and so now alone I sit,
deciding that Love, forever I quit.
We shared such memories on this lake.
The pain I feel I no longer can take.
So now I sit here just twirling my feet,
ignoring all others that I could meet.
I've tried to distract by staying home,
but my mind is here and here alone.
I'll miss our talks, and our swims,
I'll miss my walks to get to him.
I don't see why it had to be this way,
and why my heart has to hurt all day.
Awhile it's been, the hurts still here,
Unless I move one, it's going nowhere.
But moving on is not what I dream,
I want him back now, here with me.
So, I guess I will sit and remember when,
the time he took me on our first swim.
But now he is gone and no fun can be had,
I would be happy, if I weren't always sad.
I don't know why he was taken from me,
and put on display for the world to see.
He was different, our love was not blind,
He just happened to be a one of a kind.
He swam with a fin, and held me with arms,
A photo by neighbors, is what set off alarm.
The next day all the papers, simultaneously ran,
the same headline reading, "Girl Dates a Mer-man."
I never saw him again after that day,
I need to move on but I sit here today.
Everyone says, "We've been through it too."
But no one knows the hell I've been through,
I feel all alone, wallowing through this pain,
It has been some time, but the sadness remain.
I guess I'll move on, and the pain I will hide,
Though I know it will be one quite rocky ride.
I know if I do not get over, my Mer-man crush.
I'll forever forget how easy a heart can mush.
I know I will find someone new some day,
I don't need this story to get in the way!
So this will be my last visit to the lake,
Leaving behind my memories of Mer-man Jake.
Now, I will move on and enjoy the summer,
I wonder if Big Foot is free for a dinner?

Until next time.

Reliving High School.

Did you have a great time in High School? Do any of you ever like to take trip down memory lane? I had a great time in High School, but I don't' tend to go down memory lane much because I get easily lost. But there are certain things for all of us, I am sure, that make it easy to relive the glory days. For some it might be a box of old letters that you received from your first love. For others it might be a trapper notebook that you keep old poems you wrote and homework assignments in. For even others it might be old VHS cassette with clips of sporting events you played in. For me it was all of these things. And for all of us it is old yearbooks that will be used one day as comic books by our children.
Anyways, tonight we watched an old classic on VHS, entitled The Phoenix Team: Out of the Ashes. It was a tape my JV basketball coach made to stroke his own ego. It told the tale of our team going 2-17 our freshman year, and how we rose out of the ashes for our new coach and improved to 21-7 the next year. It is great fun to watch, seeing yourself in basketball hightlights. I remember thinking I was a badass back then. And seeing the tape I realized that I was just a skinny kid with a big head(literally). So to get on with my blog, seeing this video made my mind wander off to some of my other great highschool memories. And one teacher popped into my head. My English teacher, Mrs. Donello. She would have a contest each month were we were to write a story about a picture that she would have on the wall. And it was a contest to see who could come up with the most creative story for the story. Anyways not to brag but I won it quite a few times. Mainly because I was the only one that turned anything in each month, but still I wore those ribbons proudly on my letter jacket. Anyways I thought that in memory of this event, I would write a blog about a picture. But I will need to have my vast reading base choose the picture I write about. You can vote for one of the following or do nothing. I imagine that the winning picture will be the one that gets one vote but I am just trying to include my constituents.

Short and Sweet.

Until next time.

Happy Endings?

Let me first start off by saying that Blogs By Boris has reached new heights. We have finally reached double figures in traffic. I have heard news that for the first time in the now 9 months of blogging, someone new has read the blog, bringing the total now to 10 that have seen this sight. I will be throwing a party next week to commemorate this treasured occasion. It will be a pot puck party so bring good stuff, please don't be cheap. Ok moving on...

I may or may not have mentioned the fact that I started the Reality Show watching craze. I believe I was the first person to watch the first episode of the first Survivor and deemed it great. Once I spread the word, the Nation and the World followed suit, and after ten seasons no reality show has had as many viewers as Survivor. I am proud of this, even though the only award I got was that one I made my self in MS Paint. It should be noted that I only liked and watched the first three seasons of Survivor, and some of Survivor All Stars. But enouph people loved the other seasons that it still reigns king. The emergence of this reality show caused really rich people to think for themselves instead of paying creative people to do it, and these TV executives started producing terrible reality shows, like Joe Schmo, the Swan and Outback Jack. The only good child that has come from the Survivor, besides Laguna Beach, was The Amazing Race. I believe in a past blog I mentioned that this is the best show on TV, and I stand by that now. Really great stuff. In my mail center manager opinion it is some of the best TV you can watch. It has eclipsed Survivor and I have watched every episode give or take 12 of all eight seasons give or take 2. I have not missed any lately though, because this season was just so damn good, oh... and because I pay extra each month to have TiVo record the show for me if my busy mail center manager job has me tied down. Well, tonight was the night of nights! The season finally! And TiVo was going to have to do the job again. I looked forward to this night for two weeks. Like a kid in the candy store, I rushed home tonight, sat my happy butt on the couch, ripped open my Jack's Spicy Chicken, took my shoes off, grabbed the remote, threw my shoes in the other room because of the smell, turned on the TV, pressed the button that shows the list of recorded shows, scrolled down to find The Amazing Race, dripped ketchup out of my chicken sandwich onto my nice pants with out knowing it, find The Amazing Race listed, select it, SCREAM A CURSE WORD, slam my fists into my legs and smear ketchup down my pants and notice it. Turns out TiVo was full and it only recorded one hour and forty five minutes of a special two hour season finally. Do you know what happens in the last 15 minutes of a race around the world between 14 groups of 4 family members, that has a team eleminated each week and was now down to the final three teams all of which would like to see the other teams dead? SOMEONE WINS! I am writing this blog right now to you 10 people and I do not know who won this race. I have watched religiously for 3 1/2 months. And this is what I get. Unbelievable. It's like knowing Santa Clause is real for the first 18 years of your life and then finding out that that he isn't. It's like playing a game a Jenga, a really good game that has people sweating, and all the teams are really in it, the Jenga tower is 6 feet high and there are only 3 possible moves left, and someone bumps the table knocking the Jenga peices to the floor and leaveing the game with no decernable winner. It sucks. But things could be worse I guess. I could be the guy that works at a chinese buffett and stirs food to make it look fresh. Moving on...

I need to change subjects... I am getting to worked up and much to long winded. I have a great piece of information to tell you all. I have had a really great thing happen to me over the past few weeks. Something that I never though could happen. Something so profound that money nor guns could not cause this to happen to anyone else, but it has happened to me. It just might change my life forever. It has caused me to reevaluate my life, and has had such a profound effect on me that I might not ever be the same again. Even typing about how I feel makes me shiver with body shakes. I don't think in a million years that this could happen again, but it has happened to me these past few weeks. There is an amazing story that goes with it, but I feel I can not get the story out because I am just so excited, so I think I will just tell you in one sentence my huge news that has changed my life over the past two weeks. I am proud to let each of you know that I have f Blog out of Space.

Comparison: Lifetime Fitness / buffet King

Ok, So I have covered the notion that I can somewhat dose off in my mind during a long day at work or even a short day at the beach, and I even gave you an example of one of my daydreams. The following will be basically my thought process after a rouph week of work, while at lunch on a Thursday, by myself over a bowl of wan-ton soup with extra crunchies. Let me further explain that working in a mail center in December is about as busy as trying to mail packages at a mail center in December. It is hard on the feet. My feet to be exact, and unlike most humans I believe my feet are attached in some weird way straight to my brain. When my feet hurt my mind hurts, causing me to even lose function of my appendages at times. Hence the sweet and sour stain on my yellow shirt. Anyways, Point is when my feet hurt I tend to think upon pretty much anything: travels I'd like to take, girls I'd like to take out, bumper sticker sayings, and comparisons. And today while eating I was thinking pretty intently on the differences and similarities between a work out facility like Lifetime Fitness and a Chinese buffet like Buffet King. Here are my delusions.

similarities: I am starting with similarities because I bet you can think of non right off the bat. Am I right? I know I am. Well, I know of four off the top of my 8 1/4 head.
1. SIZE - Both of these businesses seem to think that if they build an establishment large enouph, it will atract the masses. And it has. I for one am joining Lifetime Fitness this weekend, mainly because the building is just so huge; and I ate at Buffet King this afternoon mainly because I was cold and wanted some soup, but also because it was huge. So there is no denying that these two places are very alike in the fact that they are larger then any of their competition.
2. VARIETY - Who else offers a workout facility that can accommodate 2,000 people at once and still have room for a Sweaten' to the Oldies class? Only one I know of is Lifetime Fitness. They have over two thousand different machines and whatnot for you to look at while pretending not to look at flesh. Where else can you find 75 different types of food(other then H.E.B. and a porta-potty)? Given there are a few buffets in Las Vegas that I have talked about but the correct answer is Buffet King, here in San Antonio. I believe that they have the widest variety of food in town, although I did wonder why my fillet of fish tasted just like the Teryaki chicken. At Lifetime you can not only workout you can play basketball, climb a rock wall, eat dinner, get your hair done, swim, go on water slides, buy drugs and so much more. At Buffet King you can eat a cheese stick, wan-ton soup, fried crab ball, rice, sesame beef, BlueBell ice cream, a Bud Light and so much more all at once. What it comes down too is you could live in either of these places for a year and still not try everything, not with out growing fat or fit.
3. UNNECESSARY/NECESSARY STAFF - These have got to be the only to businesses(I'm talking fitness centers and Chinese buffets in general) where the same employee seems to be the most unnecessary and necessary at the same time. I would compare a personal trainer to the guy or girl that is always walking around the buffet stirring the food. Let me explain. Why does a gym need a personal trainer? Is it really that hard to lift a few weights and jog on a machine by yourself? But then you see who they are normally training and it is either the really really out of shape(fat) people or the really hot women. So I would think that no gym needs these workers because everything is pretty self explanatory, but then again they are needed to get the big smaller and the hot hotter. And to compare it to the guy or girl stirring the food. If they only prepared fresh food then this person would not be necessary but since they use the same food as last week it is necessary to pay some one to keep the gross food pretty and the cold food hot.
4. LITTLE THINGS - Both of these business seem to pay attention to the little things. Buffet King smartly give you a napkin right when you walk in the door and then set a stack of fifty on your table once you sit down, they order chairs that could hold a small car on it, they give you fortune cookies after your meal to make you feel good when your stomach doesn't, they keep a guy or girl on staff to make sure the food is stirred and looking edible, and they arrange the restaurant in a way that makes the whole food area the most glorious place in the land. Lifetime Fitness pays attention too. They provide towels for you upon arrival, they make it were everything is free if you have your membership card with you and then they conveniently charge your credit card, they smartly place hot girls on the Stair masters near the entrance, and they always smile at you when you walk in. Little things help each of these establishment run smoothly.

Difference(s): Quickly think of 10 differences! Ha, I bet you can't think of any now that you realize how similar they are. In fact I can only think of one difference. It is that you work out at one place and eat at the other. Duh.

Well as you can tell my feet still hurt because I had no control over my hands. Or my thoughts. The next blog will be bigger and better then ever. Kinda like me after a year in the Lifetime Buffet and the Fitness King. Until next time.

What was I saying?

Have you ever been lost in your thought? Have you spaced out and had some one push your jaw closed? Have you been so spaced out that when you come too, you do not even know where you are? If you answered "yes" to all three of these questions and they happen at least twice everyday then we have more in common then you may think. It might not be cool to admit your a daydreamer(the polite name for spacey), but I just realized that I have a pretty severe case of .... I forget what I was talking about. Oh yeah, day dreaming. I am not embarrassed to admit that I think I have mastered the art of dreaming while walking, driving, working and yes even sleeping. If I could stop spacing out I bet I could write a book on it. In fact, it is partly why it takes me 6 hours and 12 spell-checks to write one blog. To tell you the truth, I think I might be spacing out right now. I am hearing a song that has a slight Jamacian hum to it~~ BAM!~! I am walking up the beach in tattered khaki pants, no shoes and a really faded sleeveless Rolling Stones concert t-shirt. My skin is turning red from the sun beating down on my sun-screenless body. I am walking from no place in particular, and heading in no discernible direction. But I keep walking because there is a faint sound of steel drums. I walk past an armless kid building a sand castle? (obviously my daydream is disrupted by something and I was unable to fully think every object into it's entirety) Ok, I am walking a bit faster now, due to the temperature of the sand, but I keep my focus on the familiar beat in the distance. I pass two beautiful women tanning their glorious bodies in the sun, topless. (obviously my daydreaming skills are top notch, but for the adults only) Nothing can stop me for long from finding the source of this beat that has now filled my head. After using the ladies blanket to stand on to give me medium-well feet a rest, and of course getting a number that strangely started with 555, I moved on toward the melody. Picking up my pace now to slightly over a jog but not quite a run I realize the beat no longer has the beautiful ring of Jamaican but is now the lovely sound of piano keys and there is a voice coming in to ear shot. I can barely make out the words, something about a tiny dancer I think I hear. And strangely enouph I am not on a beach any more in tattered cloths, but I am in a dress shirt and slacks and I am now with one of the topless girls, nope .... both of them. They are dressed in lovely cocktail dresses and we are making our way to a building. It is a large building, resembling a theater, it is a theater I realize as we get closer. We are all arm in arm and are walking at a hurried pace, and are now singing along to a song we can't hear the lyrics too. I keep hearing the words "tiny dancer" though. We now find ourselves trying to fight through a crowd of people as best we can, trying desparately to make our way to this mysterious building and the piano music rolling out of it. Bumping into people left and right, forcing our way through, I begin to notice everyone noticing me, nope... noticing the two ladies I am with.(obviously this must be why I am always in day dreams) That is when I notice that they are not in cocktail dresses any longer, but they are not back in their beach outfit either(darn it), they are in jeans and fun tops and looking great, and I am now in jeans and a trendy shirt(real life carries over to dream world because it happens to be the same trendy shirt as the only one I own) and the crowd we were fighting through is replaced by a short line to enter a smaller brick building with windows around it. A new livelier music is pouring out of this door which only 6 people separate us and the entrance. The sound is no longer piano tunes but the wonderful sounds of electric guitars and loud singing. The words are much more audible now. "Tommy used to work on the docks...." flows out of the door and as the words hit me my skin tingles. I have made such a long intresting adventure. I have found two beautiful friends on this journey. And my journey seems to be nearing its climax. After showing our credentials to the enormous guy at the door we are let into this shrine of music. The room is smoky, there are people everywhere holding beers the size of footballs, t.v.s fill the walls, sticky wood floors fills the floors(nice imagery). We make our way to the bar as "Gina works the diner all day working for her man, she brings home her pay For love - for love" words are uttered by the speakers. I ask the bartender "Where we have arrived at?" then I told her how my feet still hurt from the hot sand, and I was answered, "Logan's Welcome home!" That is when an emotion overfilled my body that seemed familiar but none-the-less wonderful and I grabbed the two beautiful princesses leading them to the center of the dance floor where we shouted in unison with the speakers, with the masses, with the world, the words that I relised I had been chasing this whole time. At the top of our lungs with our hands held up as high as they could extend ......

She says we’ve got to hold on to what we’ve got
’cause it doesn’t make a difference
If we make it or not
We’ve got each other and that’s a lot
For love - we’ll give it a shot
Whooah, we’re half way there
Livin’ on a prayer
Take my hand and we’ll make it - I swear
Livin’ on a prayer

We sweat, we danced, we yelled, we danced more and we sweat more, all while belting out these words like our lives depended on it. We sang another verse and then i believe we got even louder as we got to the "Whooah, we’re half way there
Livin’ on a prayer" part. What an unbelievable feeling we all had. Nothing could top it. We closed our eyes and shouted out one last time the final few words. To my surprise when I opened my eyes, I was no longer sweaty, I was no longer dancing, I was no longer arm in arm with the two gorgeous chicks, I was no longer in a bar, or a crowded street, or a beach. I was in a opera house, wearing a tux and the two beauties I was with are no were to be found. In fact everybody in the room has heads heads shaped like baloons and they begine to float to the ceiling. The music is jarbled, the sound is awful... my hand is turning to sand and falling from my body into a pile on the red carpet floor. I am returning to the bea......

Nope. I'm coming out of my daydream. Ok, Im' back and I just realise that I wrote that whole story while under the fixation of a mind dream. The problem was I was listening to my ipod on random at the same time, and it started with a Bob Marley song, and there was Elton John and Bon Jovi. Crazy. Well, I hope you all have lovely daydreams today. I know I will. So long from me and the girls. Until next time.

A Fill in the Blank Bed Time Story. By Boris

As far as my reading has taken me(about ten feet), I have always come up with better characters and main objects in every story I have read. It tends to keep me interested in the story longer. So, why not have a story in which the reader makes up for themselves the main parts of the story.

Once upon a time there lived a magical __________ that lived in the forrest and would pick food from the orchard to feast upon each day. This was magical fruit and the most magical fruit of all was the ________ which when she/he/it(sheit) would eat this fruit sheit would radiate everything that is right in the world. Like happiness, love, ____________ and ____________. Sheit always smelled like roses, would always wear a smile, always sing happy songs, and would skip around instead of walk. Sheit had a pet ___________ that was the most loyal ________________ in the universe. Nothing could made sheit upset except the mean, bad, smelly, ________, vile, no-good monster that always tried to eat sheit named _______________. This evil creature had one job, which was to make sheit ___________________ as often as possible. The mean villain would try every day to stir sheit up in a vat of hot boiling tar, but every day sheit used the magical fruit to ward the evil doer off. All sheit had to do to keep the monster named ___________, at arms length and say _____________________________________________, and the vile creature would run off with teary eyes.
One time not so long ago, sheit got ill and was unable to pick the magical fruit. The mean mean goblin took advantage of sheit in this weakend state, and was able to take sheit to the edge of the black forest where sheit could not reach the magical fruit.
Sheit was in the dumps for sure, missing the lovely fruits and most loyal pet she had ever had. That is when sheit let out a trumpet blast so high pitch that only a pet who's a true friend could hear. Sheit had summoned ____________________. Armed with a basket of magical fruit the _______________ ran and run to the edge of the dark forest where the evil monster kept a firm grip on sheit. Not to be denied the loyal pet summond all the powers of the fruit and leapt 40 feet into the air right into the dungeon, tossing the most magical fruit to sheit.
Seizing the fruit in a quick move thought only to be bestowed upon kings, sheit made a move for the fruit and in one fell swoop __________________________________________________________ until the monster was begging for mercy.
Being merciful sheit decided to befriend the evil monster and share the powerful fruit with the ruthless monster. Once the monster bit into it ______________________________________ and then they _______________________ happily ever after. The end.


Ok, I am going to be honest for the first time in seven days. I should have never started this blog. Much too deep. I thought it would be an easy story, telling a story with no main character or plots. But I think it ended up being even harder then writing medical journals in the third grade. So print it out and fill in the blanks if you want or just roll your eyes like always and finish with your day. Until next time.

A Short Blog for You and Yours

With Thanksgiving behind us it is now time to move past the season of thankfulness and kindness and get into the season of giving(who am I kidding for most it is really the season of "I wants" and "I need.") So in that manner I will share with you some of the things I want and some things that I need.

I want trendy outfits that make me dance better. I need a collar that zaps me with high amounts of voltage when ever I try to dance in public.
I want socks that I can wear five times all day at work and not smell. I need to do laundry more often so I do not need socks like this.
I want to travel to twelve countries this next year. I need to pay off credit cards that allowed me to see zero countries last year.
I want a collection of DVD's that rivals that of blockbuster. I need to return some movies I have had from Blockbusters for over 4 months.
I want shoes that drag me to the gym and make me burn off extra calories. I need shoes that kick my ass when I order a five piece extra crispy chicken meal with extra biscuits with two sides and a super sized Big Red.
I want a cereal named after me. I need cereal to live.
I want a car that can not get in any wrecks until it is paid off. I need a mechanic for my 7 month old Scion Tc.
I want an alarm clock that gently rubs my arm and tells me that I am great and that work is going to be great and that it is time to get up. I need an alarm clock with no snooze button.
I want a kitchen that makes me breakfast in the morning and has it waiting for me when I am done getting ready. I need an alarm clock with no snooze button.
I want to be the President of the United States. I need to be realistic.
I want a girlfriend. I need to be realisti... I mean optimistic.
I want wallpaper to cover my room that are maps of different countries and I want to hang cutouts of my favorite cereal boxes all over the wall too, and maybe even put pennants around the tops of my room. I need a girlfriend.
I want a shirt that irons itself and even washes itself. I need a girl... haha just kidding I need a new shirt.
I want a bed that injects me with sleep serum when I am tired and should be in bed. I need stop writing this blog.
Finally I want a wallet that produces it own money and never runs out of cash. I need a wallet that produces its own money and never runs out of cash.

So go ahead and make your self a list of things that you want and you need. That should get you kick started into having a great holiday season. Until next time.

Text Messages and Time Machines

I hope everybody's Thanksgiving extended weekend was as terrific as mine. I hope all the turkeys were fully cooked and the yams were a safe distance away. I hope each of you were able to take a few minutes to quietly reflect on what you are thankful for. I hope you each got to spend time with family or friends and have a joyous time eating tons of food and then napping on the couch during the Cowboy's game. That is what I love about this time of year family, friends and helping after helping of food. I however take away from this thanksgiving a few new life changing gifts as well. For I finally learned the full capability of sending text messages through a cellular phone and I now understand the intricacies of the possibility of time travel. Each of these though different in spelling are similar in the way they have affected me over this past weekend. I will explain.

I do not know of either of you know me well enough to know this but I am a bit behind the curve on trends. I was 22 when I first got a Game Boy, and the X-box was already out. I just recently realized that flannel shirts, no matter how cool the plaid design were, are not cool anymore. Well at 27 I have been making huge strides toward catching up with the trends. I have now purchased a second trendy shirt(a shirt that looks like a guy dressed himself and was not dressed by his mother) I have a pair of trendy shoes(shoes that hurt your feet but go with your belt and wallet) I even have put a pair a trendy jeans(ones that look as if they are used, faded, torn, or stained yet still have a sky high price tag on them) on my Christmas wish list. So the point is I am make baby steps toward being trendy. But I realized I was still missing something, and before you make jokes and say it is a girlfriend to pick out trendy clothes for me so I don't even have to worry about such things, I know that is also true, but there is something else I realized I was missing out on. I can walk down the street, or mall, or even drive down the road and I see people looking at their cell phone but never talking on it. I see this all the time. At first I assumed they were just on speaker phone, but they were not talking to it and I heard no voices. At my house my roommates phones would ring they would pick it up and look at it, hit a few buttons and then set it back down like there was nothing to it, and repeat the process in a few minutes. That is when it hit me(actually it hit me after I asked about sixty questions about how it worked), these are text messages. I have been missing the boat all these years. I have simply not answered the phone if I did not want to talk, now I can just read a sentence and write back a few words and the conversation is done. It might change my life. I just activated texting on my phone and can now chat on my phone. Now the thing is typing on a phone is not as easy as typing on a computer, it is actually about 100 times harder, especially while walking down the street, or in the mall, or driving in rush hour.

As you know, or might not know unless you have been spying on me, but I enjoy movies slightly more then I enjoy Fruity Pebbles. Another little know fact is that I am mentally disturbed, no I'm not, yes I am, no I'm not. But I do know this, well I am fairly certain about the possibilities of time travel. According to the movie Donnie Darko time travel happens all the time, and it is way more believable then how Quantum Leap or Stargate portrays it. I will give you a quick gist of how it happens. It is mainly in your dreams, and then you live out the future in your dreams, and when God allows it you stay in your dream and carry out mystical missions, until one day you wake up and you are in a cartoon. It gets better if you can believe it. You also have the power to summon all the water and fire in the world and do with as you please, as long as it does not disrupt any of the future, because you will really be living in a Tangent Universe. Hold on this is where it gets good. If all goes well in this Tangent Universe then after 28 days of living in it you will be able to start back at the beginning of the 28 days and this time be in the real universe. And then you wake up and you are not sure if you saved the world or it is just a dream. It all has something to do with geometry. But if you watch Donnie Darko you will understand it all. But for me I am going to send out a few texts before I take a few sleeping pills so that I can maybe save the world while I sleep. Look for me. And hope you had a great Thanksgiving. Until next time.

More Memoirs of a Las Vegan.

Let me start by saying to the three of you that check this. If you have not heard about my trip to Vegas jump down to the next post because that is the start of this tale. What a magical tale it is too. I believe I left off with a promise of pictoral proof of what people look like after a nice extremely filling buffet and a nice Cirque del Soule show. I am talking about a time spent gambling till noon the next day with rides on a roof of the tallest building west of the Grand Canyon. So heres your pictures.
What a view, looing straight down and spinning.

On your marks, Get set, Die!

Toasting a new life together.

Well, probably time for bed.

That is where we were.


Well, I can't say that I have ever gone to bed at 1:00pm before. Well last time I was in Vegas I did. Oh yeah and the time before. Oh yeah and the next night! After sleeping what Doctors describe as a healthy nights sleep we woke up at 9:00pm on Sunday and decided that nothing said I am ready to start a day like another Buffett. Only eating 4/5th the amount I had at the Bellagio Buffet, I was ready for a walk. Thing is, everyone else was ready for a good nights sleep.(after only 2 hours of being up, Unamerican!) I talked Dusty into traveling up the strip with me Where we visted the Wynn Hotel and much more. We walked for what seemed like 4 miles. The only logical thing to do was to pull over on our way home and fill up the ole gas tank before we call it a day. In a way only Vegas allows filling up the gas tank turned into meeting people from Wisconsin and staying up and continueing to fill up all the way until 1000 am on Monday. Getting to the room took a map. Getting to sleep took a second. We have no physical proof of our souvener cups other then what is in these pictures because Dusty thought it would be fun the wake the girls by smacking them on the head with them, breaking them all. Anyways. More pics.
Amazing what you find on a walk in Vegas at night.

Doc's Plastic line up. Then mine.


It is amazing the nice people you can meet on any given night. And then still know them in the morning.

Memoirs of a Las Vegan.

It has been a few weeks since I last blogged. And for good reason. I was in Vegas and then recovering from Vegas. It is a two week process, that I am still not sure I am fully back to normal. But what a trip we had. Nothing like staying up till dawn and sleeping till dusk to get the blood flowing. Nothing like eating cornacopious amounts of food and gallons of beverages to slow the blood flow. Nothing like proposing marriage and riding rides dangling 2000 feet in the air to get the blood back flowing. It is just a great time had by all. I'll attempt to take you on a photo journey here of me and my friends travels to Las Vegas over the Halloween weekend of 2005. Enjoy.

The plane ride was a joyous one. The best part of it I believe, was the fact there was no slot machines or blackjack tables on which to loose our hard earned money. Thanks to some covert ops secret mission impossible stuff we were able to arrive in Vegas with our blood pumping for a good time. The blood even was pumping waiting for our rental mini-van to arrive to us. We had to restrain a few members of the party from a street brawl. But this picture is from the Southwest Flight 815, row 23 seats A-F. The following is our fissured 15 steps in Vegas. The next 4,815,162,342 were each a story of their own.


With a near encounter behind us. It was time to make Dusty and John walk 2 miles with luggage while me and Joel checked us all into the rooms. We had nice rooms that had a connecting door, and only began to smell on the last day we were there. With luggage unpacked and pockets filled with money burning holes our pockets, it was time to do what any group of people arriving in Vegas do: DANCE. And dance we did. By we I mean I danced and danced and danced. Dancing in Vegas is like dancing in a dream. And I have no idea what I mean, but the following is proof that dancing was going on. By the way I believe someone spilled their drink on my shirt is why is looks so wet.


Needless to say we woke up with sore legs, but a fresh mind. It was time to explore the city. Looks way different with natures lights on. We visited downtown(home of the football shaped drinking receptacles) and many other casinos. Here are a few pictures from this journey. None of us are in the photos because dancing all night makes your appearance the next day below par. Check these out.




Sightseeing is done. It is time to get serious about eating. If you want to feel full and I don't mean, "No, I would not care for any more" full. I mean the kind of full where you can not muster up the energy needed to lift the spoon to your mouth for one last bite of dessert full. This is exactly what I went for. Buffets are a good way to do this. The Bellagio Buffet is an even better way to do this. I had four full plates of food and five different desserts. Yummy. I can now say I have eaten Seabass, Sordfish, Roasted Duck, Prime Rib, Beef Wellington, Crab Legs and Veal, all on the same plate! I had to try and shove the last piece of dessert down with no luck. Here is the order in which it was consumed, now I need a napkin.
MAIN COURSE:

DESSERT:

LAST PIECE:

LAST BITE:


I'm full as a tick on a fat dog in the summer. What is the best thing to do when this full? If there was ever a survey on such a thing I imagine the answer would be to relax in the hotel room maybe take a leisurely shower and take in a nice show while the 45 pounds of food finds its way to your stomach and hips. We however too the approach of: run across the street to our hotel, take five second showers, get yelled at by everyone for making them late, almost forget to put on socks, forget to shave(wait shave and make everyone even madder), get all dressed up, run to the mini-van, run stop signs to get to the casino our show is at, sprint to the shows entrance and slide in as the house lights are being lowered. Yes perfect way to let food settle. But seriously, we watched one of the most amazing shows I have every seen called Mystere'. Excellent show that had people doing acrobatics that should only exist in cartoons. Very fun show, very fun time. No better way to remember it then by a picture out side.


The show is over, the stomach is full the bed is calling. But not very loud however because the slots are calling louder and the blackjack tables are screaming. Could it be a loose night on the slots? Would we win it all back on one monster hand of blackjack? Would we stay up all night trying to get yes's out of these first two questions and end up at the Stratosphere, where there would be proposals, and death defying rides? Yes we would and here's a bit of proof. TO BE CONTINUED!!!

What happens in Vegas.... Stays in Vegas?

What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. That is the motto. That is the national creed of Sin City. Why does that phrase seem so inviting? Why does that phrase seem so mischievous? Why does this phrase seem to only work with Las Vegas? It was no accident, it was because no other city claimed the rights to this powerful marketing tool first. That is it. I can't believe I have just figured this out! For years I believed that anything I did or any of my friends did, no matter how crazy and insane, all memory and proof of it ever happening would be kept right there in the city limits. I think the millions of people that visit Vegas each year with their bag of quarters, rent check, and mistress all assume the same thing that I did. Let the city take full control of all reason and common sense and when you board the plane to leave, it is handed back to you. I thought this happened on my last five visits to the City of Sidewalk Porn Distributors, and over the past 6 years here in San Antonio I believed that we actually went to bed before 1:00 a.m. each night, we showed restraint on the black jack table (never positioning ourselves between two black fur wearing hookers), we limited ourselves to two adult beverages an evening never consumer more then we should and we ate only a healthy amount of food. But that is when it clicked. Wait a minute... We have proof that all of this did not happen in this manor. How can something really stay in Vegas after cameras, cell phones, video cameras and gossip were innvented. Nothing can stay there. So, I will have a new mind set this trip to Vegas, with 8 of my closest and dearest friends ever, "What Happens in Vegas No Matter How Embarrassing Humiliating and Wrong will Surely Find its Way to San Antontio and my Mom" So I am going to take it easy this trip. Maybe get up early and do a little jog, then grab breakfast, followed by a nice stroll up and down the strip then a nice buffet for lunch followed by a nice nap. Take in some sun by the heated pool next and then get showered for an evening show and dinner. Next maybe spend 20 minutes and a ten dollar bill on a slot machine, lauph about how quick it went, get a mixed drink and head up to the room, look at the lights of the town from my window and then get to sleep after watching a little T.V., all by 12:30. Follow this same pattern for the next two days. I think if I stick this plan of attack, then for sure, what ever happens in Vegas will stay there. I am sure the following pattern is one that would find it's way out of the Sin City before even the body leaves the city. Arrive blow a twenty at the airport on a slot machine, blow another twenty while waiting on friends to check in, have two mixed drinks. Waste another twenty while waiting for friends to meet you in the lobby, consume 4 more mixed drinks, blow another twenty, and another and another, create drama, have five more mixed drinks and two footballs, dance all over other peoples girlfriends for 4 hours, blow another twenty after being kicked out of the club, waste 4 mixed drinks by leaving them in the bathroom stall, blow another twenty with one bet of black jack, find ATM, get denied, find wrong room twice then right room fall asleep as room service is knocking on door to see if you need clean towels at 10:00 a.m.. Repeat for two more days. Absolutely, this behavior would find it's way out of Vegas. So and I am speaking for everyone of the nine traveling to Vegas. I think we might leave our cameras here this time! Just so that there is no proof one pattern or the other. In fact here as some pictures that have found their way out! Notice none of me. No one wanted to take a picture of me calmly losing money. Only 5 days until we blow our first twenty. I can't wait. Until next time.

The Speed of Sound and Other Things...

Ok, Let me start of with this. I am in a hurry this evening, so I might not have a very good blog. I realise I am assuming that I always have good blogs, for me to say that this one might be so different from the other ones that I would have to preface it with an appology. But I have so many destractions in my life right now, non of which being controled by a girlfirend(sorry mom and dad). I am trying to successfully juggle Astros's playoff baseball(they won tonight), T.V. Shows(I watched Amazing Race and Lost last night), DVD's (I watched an entire season of The Office Just earlier), working out(I am almost comfortable wearing my shirts with the top button undone now), and vegas trip planning(I am traveling to Las Vegas in 14 days with three friends and some other people I don't like.) So, needless to say I am a little over taxed with tasks, all of which keep fighting to take top priority. In fact DVD's, TV, and Sports just did an amazing leap and all at once jumped in front of working out over the past few days. But enouph with the apologies. Lets get on with the blog, because like I said, I am in a hurry.

I watched the Discovery Channel sometime in April and I vaguely remember that they talked about how sound actually had a speed. I didn't much pay attention at the time so all my facts might not be acurate but this afternoon at work I started to think back on that show. I was trying to remember exactly how fact the speed of sound was. I am not bragging but to be able to run the 800 meter dash in just over 2 minutes like I did in high school is fast, but it seems that the scientists on the show where saying that sound was much faster then that. I am not positive because I had the T.V. on mute half the time, but I remember them showing a jet over and over. So I am going to suggest that the sound of speed is slightly slower then that of a speeding jet. But again I can't be sure because, I did turn the program to Montel Williams after like five minutes. So, on to other stuff....

Untill next time. (Sorry about the crappy blog)

Has he LOST it or what?

Ok, I am going to write an entire blog about a television show that one of my roommates would trade his religion in rather then miss one second of the show. The show is Lost. He has way overhyped this show to his family, friends, coworkers, bartenders, dentist, pastor, and basically anyone that has been within 12 feet of him for over 30 seconds. He basically only talks about this show. "There is no better show on t.v.!" "It is the best single thing on earth!" and "It comes in as a close second behind the life of Christ, as the single greatest event in the history of the universe!" "Ahhhhhhhhh" are all sentences you hear him say every 108 minutes. This "astonishing, awe-inspiring and awesome" show has been on for a year now, on Wednesdays at 8:00 on ABC. My rooomate has even stopped calling Wednesday by it name, calling it "LOST night!!!!" now. For most of the past year he spear-headed a movement to try and force people to watch the show with him, and enjoy it in his way(which is with every breath he takes). He succeeded with a few of my friends over the past year and now they do nothing but talk about plot developments, story lines, and cliff hanger endings to episodes; never talking about normal things like sports, women and cereals, only Lost. Well, then summer came and heavens for bid, Lost was in between seasons, and you would think that this would mean Wednesdays would be back to normal. That would be a wrong assumption. The talking continued, the hyping continued, the cornering and beating up of non-Lost lovers continued. It got to the point one night, and alcohol was not involved most likely, that my roommate was literally in tears because season two of Lost was only one week away. He was emotional over the fact that every single human on earth has not seen this "moving, overwhelming, spine-tingling, stunning, thrilling" show yet. I think he was almost going crazy from not getting to see a new episode for over 3 months. He kept saying all these numbers over and over... 4 8 15 16 23 42. He screamed out in his sleep one night "what is in the hatch!!!!" so loudly that it woke even the niebors. I think what bothered him the most was the fact that his roommates had yet to watch his "godlike" show and hence our lives were in danger. He had me wondering "has he had lost it or what?" Knowing that he had, I still made a decision that I am still not sure was or was not a good one. I broke down and watched the whole first season on DVD. Mind you I decided to do this 5 days before the new season was starting. And that is when it began. All these strange things. Not as strange as a man being blown up by a stick of 400 year old dynamite, but strange things were happining. I started watching episodes at all hours and everywhere I could. I could not get enouph of this new show. I would watch it on my computer, I would watch it in any free fifteen minutes i had before work leaving for work, I even borrowed a portable DVD player and watched it while driving to work. I watched 24 one-hour episodes in a 4 day span, all while working, working out, sleeping and eating cereal. I started talking solely about this cool show and I started cornering people and asking them if they had seen this Lost show. I would ask customers at work what they thought of Kate's flashback, Locke walking again, and Hurley's jokes. It was happening to me. I was becoming a full-fledge fan of a t.v. show. I was starting to hold it up as "one of the best shows on t.v." Was this really happening? So, the season two started and more sings of my new obsession started appearing. I actually raced home one night, ignoring speed limits and traffic lights, so that I could be there for the very first minute of the first episode of season two. I was fully hooked now. The second episode came a week later, and right after it was over I rushed to my computer and spent 3 straight hours consulting with other Lost cult members, on a lost messege board(something a huge dork invented to allow other dorks to spread rumors, gossip, ideas, quotes, and talk about Lost). I was trying to make since of what the heck Dharma is? What was that swan? Why was a shark tattooed? Why is Locke so weird? Why was I doing this? And then another week passed and I watched every second of the third episode ever so intently and that was just 2 hours ago. I never blinked once the entire show. And now the final weird thing has just happened... I sprinted into my room, sat down at the computer and told my four readers all about how crazy I am about this Lost show. And I am feeling wierd all over. GO AND RENT THE FIRST SEASON! WATCH THIS SHOW! IT IS AWESOME! YOUR LIFE MAY BE IN DANGER IF YOU DON'T!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Now I am sure your asking yourselves, "Has he LOST it or what?" Until next time.

Working Out or Pigging Out?

First, I need to apologize, mainly to myself, (because I fear I am the only one that has missed my blogs)for my lack of posts over the past few months. My excuse: Fall is in the air, Football is in full swing, Baseball playoffs are starting, Basketball is three weeks away, and Kohl's Big Two Day sale is this weekend. This all means that there is no better time to start back up writing blogs. I have taken the Kohl's approach lately and have started up writing blogs again about as often as they have a Huge Two Day Sale(once or twice a month). In all honesty, I have been busy over this three month period where blogs were few and far between. The main reason is I have started a vigorous workout. One that involves more then treading water and holding a beer above water while tubing down the river. Nope, this is a full fledge work out, dumbbells and all. Although that is a funny name for a workout devise, I cannot think of one thing to say that would explain why they are named that, other then they were obviously named after an Aggie. Anyways, I am so into this working out that I have even broke down and joined the Supplement Club.(The First Rule of Supplement Club is to not talk about Supplement Club. The Second Rule of Supplement Club is find a way to talk about it without really talking about it.) So I can't tell you which ones I inject into my blood, but I can tell you about the decision making process that led to getting them. I went to a Nutritional Store(always a good first step), and asked the guy working, "What do I need to do to grow as big a Mark McGuire, when he hit all those home runs?" He told me that everything to get that big is now illegal, but I could buy everything he says and be almost as big as Mark. So I thought for a second and asked, "How do I get as big as Kristie Alley?" And he said to eat everything in sight. And that is when I had to decide.... Did I want to be almost as big as Mark McGuire and take supplements, vitamins, meal replacements, fish oils, muscle enhancers and cucumber shakes, giving the guy at the Nutritional Store a healthy commission; or I could use all that money and eat at CiCi's Pizza every meal and get as big as Kristie Alley. Don't get me wrong it was not that hard of a decision, but I do love that Pizza from CiCi's and I love to pig out. Eating is fun, it always makes me feel good, it tastes good, smells good, looks good, and even sounds good cooking. So why not devote my life to eating everything I can get my hands on? Well, back to the main question. Should I work out or pig out? And I chose work out. And that is exactly what I have been doing. Not to brag or anything but I could probably dead lift Kristie Alley and not even need a spotter. However, it was this decision to start working out that has invaded on my Blogging hobby. OK, this is not a promise, but a very strong suggestion; "I will be blogging more in the future." I will try and keep you informed on when I am big enouph to play in the Major Leagues illegally and then lie about it. Hopefully it will be in the near future, because CiCi's is always just a short drive away. So, from now on remember, when you see someone that is having trouble getting out of their chair and are grabbing their stomach in pain, ask yourself, "Are they recovering from a work out or a pig out?" Until next time.

A Top Ten List

Top Ten comedies that I own on DVD.
10. Me, Myself and Irene - Gotta love shock bathroom humor.
9. Tommy Boy - "Fat guy in little coat" and "room service..." enouph said.
8. Airplane - By far the funniest movie set in an airplane.
7. Office Space - "Oh Oh Oh." Did you get the memo?
6. Vacation - "If we park in the last spot, we'll be the first to leave." Good ole Clark. (I will lump in the other Vacation movies here too.)
5. Rat Race - absolutely great. Would be number one but no one would agree.
4. Napoleon Dynamite - "Gosh, are you trying to ruin my life."
3. Meet the Parents - Part of why I am still single. Fear that that is what it is really like.
2. Three Amigo - Nothing better then Lucky Day, Dusty Bottoms and Ned Nederlander saving the day. Plus kisses on the veranda are always nice.
1. Dumb and Dumber - Maybe even the best drama as well.

Keep in mind that these are DVD's that I own. I imagine there could be funnier movies but I doubt it. Wait Space Balls would be up there. So would Van Helsing, because that movie was a joke. Anyways. Back to the J-O-B. Until next time.

Vacations & Football Season

Life can now offically move on for the both of you that still check each day to see if I wrote something. Because the wait is over. The hiatus has passed. The vacation is over. It is back to getting serious about keeping my blog current with the latest news and notes from my life. Well for the latest on me you will have to call me. I am extremely tired at the moment and absolutly nothing is entering my head at this moment except very dry and humorless jokes. I would like make this blog a site that would only have exceptional jokes. So for give me for keeing it short, but maybe I will add some photos from my travels to Key West, Miami Beach and New Orleans. Infact I will work on that now. I will talk about football and how great this season is going to be in both the collegate and professional levels. Ok Pics. Until next time.

Imitators and Keys

First off, I want to let every one know that I am not in San Antonio as I am writing this. I am in a place that would make every one except Jess jealous. I am in Key West. It is further south then any other place in the USA that you can get to with a car and dance moves. It is important to travel to this destination with dance moves. It is filled with establishments that cater to dancing and serving beverages that encourage dancing. But there is nothing wrong with this if your are semi-young semi-greyhaired and single like me. For there is nothing holding you back from dancing with future hot wives, except..... not doing it. It makes you(or me in this case) feel terrible when you do not take advantage of the opportunity of sweet innocent Baptist girls walking down the street with no parent supervision for the first time since last week. But seriously. I am not married like my travel mate so it is hard to pick up the opposite sex without explaining a 7 hour story of his relationship. Anyways, just to remind you, I am in Key West as I type right now. It is nice. It is a great place to people watch. It is fun to watch how certain situations work out between a guy that does not belong in Florida, let alone the Keys, and some girls that not only belong in the Keys but probably even in a V.S. catalog. His persistence was noteworthy but is inability to take a strong no, led to his demise. You see this guy was an imitators, trying to imitate someone that gets women. His only tools were pick up lines he read off gum wrappers and seven alligator Bombs. (basically a drink that Doctors would prescibe to a patient before open heart surgery as an form of knock out drug, but served in the Keys for only 7.00 bucks) Anyways, with everything going wrongly for him, he takes one last approach at imitating a successful ladies man, when a guy roughly the size of Shaquill O'Neal came buy yelled at him, slammed his face into the table(shattering his big coke bottle glasses into his retina), completely tore his left arm off(the one he kept touching the model with), and then used the torn off arm to beat the guy. It was really quite a site. The imitators was thrown out onto the street where he, and this is unbelievable, got right back up walk into the bar(holding his left arm in his right hand), walked right up to the bar and asked for is tab. Well those are just the sureal things that you see in Key West on any given night.

Let me catch you up on what is going on in my life. I know it has been a month or more since I wrote on this. I have been busy, I will give you the short version(one sentence version, so pay attention.) I quit my job of four years, planned on going to Thailand to teach, Thailand fell through, I locked my self in doors for a week, then applied for jobs, I played three seasons of Collage football on PS2, I had many long nights on weekdays, I went back to my old job to help out, I decided to go back full time to old job, but not until I went on a trip, and then I traveled by new Scion to the Florida Keys. That is it in a nut shell. Hopefully I will keep this updated more often now that I will have a set schedule again. Not working for 4 weeks turns your weekdays to weekends and your weekends in to just one long day. But starting Monday I get back to the grind.

Let me make this even longer and tell you about our trip. We left Saturday at 1:00 in the afternoon, and made it to Tallahassee Florida by 2:00 that night. If you don't have a calculator and a map and a Calculus book handy I will save you time and let you know that it was pretty quick. I drove every hour of it too. Not because Jay wouldn't but because I was in a zone. Anyways, we went by Florida State University that next morning and snuck into yet another stadium and got some pics with Bobby Bowden. Then we took a nice drive through pouring rain to Miami Beach. Jason drove this entire drive while I lauphed. We had a nice time there and then we drove to Key Largo(like the Beach Boys song), and had a great Scuba dive day. Saw sharks and eels. Very nice. More about the trip later. Sorry for bad grammar. Wrote half last night. Until next time.

NBA CHAMPS! and Chest Hair.

Did you know that there is only three circumstances in which it is OK for a grown man in his mid to upper 20's to shed tears? First, and most importantly it is when the team that he sweats blood for, wins a Championship. More specifically it is when my San Antonio Spurs win the NBA Championship while I am sitting at the game, yelling until my ribs crack. As you can see in the picture I so cleverly placed in my blog(not exactly how I thought they would show up), I attended the Championship clinching game with my boss, his wife and some guy that said his name was "Doc Spice." The confetti is still streaming down behind us and beverages are still floating inside of us. It was a beautiful night, that ended up with a 4 hour parking jam and jumps off of highways. I know you might be thinking that the tears shed in a moment like this are tears of joy and not real tears. That is where you are wrong and I am right. Tears are Tears. Anyways, another time it is OK to let tears swell up in your eyes is if you decide to ride a ridiculous roller coaster when it is below fifty degrees out side. Much like this superman ride in Dallas. It packs a mean punch but at least you don't have to wear super hero tights. Again, you might complain that these tears are not formed by human effort but by human genetics. And again, you would be wrong and I am right. Tears are Tears. The final reason it is fine to let go of some tears is if you are watching a movie about two cripples who beat life's odds and make a good life for themselves. Now that is definitely a cause for Kleenex. Rory O'Shea Was Here is a excellent movie. I didn't cry but it is OK for anyone to cry during it and for weeks after.... excuse me a second.... sorry... just got something in my eye. Not only was this movie very moving but it was very funny as well. Same director as About A Boy. If you watch it and are not moved by it I will not only not believe you, but I will send you tickets to see Yanni next time he is in town. Ok, I am going on and on about this movie, but it is because I have nothing else to write about, which is probably why you are wondering to yourself, "When is he going to talk about chest hair, his title was 'NBA CHAMPS! and Chest Hair?'" To answer your question I just did. Until next time.

Please Pray for Free Throws

Well, I not only will I not make it to my 70th birthday, but now my 60th birthday is in jeopardy after the Spurs, led by their supreme power forward Tim Duncan, clanked their way to a game seven in the NBA finals. Me and 200,000 other silver and black blooded fans packed into every bar, restaurant and closet in downtown to view what was sure to be the Spurs finest moment. A third Championship in 7 years. I viewed the game at the famous Menger Hotel in the lobby bar. Seventy-five of us shared a hand held television to watch in agony as the Spurs decided that they do not like their fans and lost in a most disturbing way. They turned the ball over and missed free throws. Lets dissect each of these to further explain. A turnover is when the Spurs have the ball and are trying to score baskets and in stead of easily tossing the ball into the orange rim, they tap one of the Detroit players on the arm, getting there attention, and then place the ball in their hands, and say, "here you go, you take it, we don't like our fans." Well to be honest it might not be in English considering each the Spurs players have mailing addresses in different countries. A turnover is the second worst thing you can do in a game. It is unfortunately the Spurs second best ability. Their first and greatest crappy accomplishment is missing free throws. Being born with a brain and 10 toes immediately qualifies each of us to know without being taught what the definition of FREE is. "Getting something that cost you nothing, and makes you happy nine times out of ten." The Spurs get FREE throws regularly, but missed the memo I guess that said you are supposed to make them, because they are FREE. When a restaurant has FREE food night, the place is packed with people taking advantage of FREE food. Tim Duncan missing these FREE throws has caused me to do something drastic, I BLAME HIM, and him alone if the Spurs do not take the championship belt away from Rasheed Wallace(the guy with the weird gum spot on the back of his head.) It has caused me to take other drastic steps as well. I have been using some prayers to try and help Duncan's FREE throw problem. I only have a limited amount of prayers I offer a day so I had to cut out a few people I pray for. Mainly just the terminally ill. I figure those are high priority prayers, and if I use some of those for Timmy then maybe he will make some FREE throws. Well, it is getting late and I have about 45 minutes of proof reading to go so I will end this now. Every one stop what you are doing, fold your hands together, close your eyes and repeat after me, "Dear Lord," your turn
"please drop a bag of a million dollars in Kevin's lap. Thank you!" your turn Until next time.

All Personalities on Hold.

We(me and the other personalities) had a group discussion and decided letting you three in on the next personality could wait. I mean you have already waited two weeks! So, what I needed to discuss was the big news of a certain Big Shot. "Big Shot Bob" to be exact. The San Antonio Spurs secret weapon. Well, he is a secret to women soccer fans, The Ellen Show viewers and Howard Dean voters. Because, if you have ever turned on the NBA playoffs in May-June then you have seen the weapon I am talking about. Robert Horry. He has been one of the most clutch performers in the history of the NBA. He has hit Big Shots with the Houston Rockets, and The Evil Empire(read: Lakers) and now my San Antonio Spurs. I say "my" because I have invested my health to their well being. When they lose, I lose weeks off my life. When they win, I lose weeks off my life. The Spurs have a knack at making there games appear as a loss for 99.9% of the game. Then they throw "Big Shot Rob" out there to take care of the last .01%. This is no way to view a Spurs game. But it is also a good way to make sure you will see the game for years to come, making their games what sports nuts call "Instant Classics." The Spurs played in this fashion last night and now I will not make it to my 70th birthday. "Big Shot Bob" made 21 of the Spurs last 34 points giving him him the title of "Legend of the Game." Not to change gears, but I have to do a little bragging of my own. I have a job in witch famous people visit me never. Mainly because I don't work in L.A., but also because I make less then Sonic skate girls. But that is not the point. The point is I am close to being re-nick-named "Big Shot Borris." For I sent a emergency overnight package to New York for non other then the most tan Desperate Housewife. I am sure it is illegal to use her name on here. But she is now Tony Parker's biggest fan on the court, she is my most famous customer off the court. I think I am her favorite mail stud. I'm sure she liked the fact that I stood there unable to talk, and I just mailed her package and even fronted her a dime. So, now maybe I have an in in Hollywood. But lets get back to reality. I will not be blogging tomorrow night because I will be downtown running the streets with 200,000 other ecstatic Spurs fans, when they close out the 2005 Playoffs with a victory. Hopefully. Until then!