Writers Block.

Until next time.

Easter and Fevers

Well I hope the growing number of you, or all 7 of you had a great Easter. I did. I spent it with family, which was fun. I am however not having fun right now. I am pretty sure that I am running a pretty high fever because the keys are melting as I type on them, making it harder for me to misspell words. So I have decided to keep this short. Basically I have always had the power to do that. But I will use it now. So just go to this website and waste the time you would have if you were reading a longer blog of mine. Click here and have fun. Until next time.

An Untypical Day of a Typical Blogger.

In case you wanted to know what it is like to walk in my shoes for one day, and even in case you didn't want to know, I am going to tell you. I will explain it using a method passed down from Moses, time chart style.
3:00 a.m.-7:00 a.m. Drool.
7:06 a.m. Snooze.
7:15 a.m. Snooze.
7:24 a.m. Snooze.
7:33 a.m. Snooze.
7:42 a.m. Snooze.
7:51 a.m. Check time(fuzzy), Snooze.
7:59 a.m. Grab glasses, check time, cuss, run to car.
8:00 a.m. Realize I have no clothes on, run back to room put shirt on backwards, take quick deodorant shower, think about how nice it would be to wake up early so that a nice breakfast could be made, get in car drive off, leaving garage doors open and sign that says "robbers this way" on.
8:01 a.m. - 8:20 a.m. Drive really fast from stale red light to the next (6 in all), cuss 6 times, think about excuse for not showing up at 8:00 a.m., park.
8:21 a.m. - 12:00 Stand on energized feet, sort mail, check e-mail, chat on MSN, watch ESPN, develop a hunger, and help wonderful customers mail packages with a smile.
12:00 - 2:00 p.m. Stand on weakening feet, develop hunger pains, try to smile while helping a line of 70 people mail their packages.
2:00 p.m. - 6:00 p.m. Stand on feet that feel like bricks and hurt really bad and are in danger of growing into the concrete, eat my right arm in between yelling at customers to give me there stinking packages to mail, work really hard to be ready to leave the office at 6:00 p.m.
6:00 p.m. - 7:20 p.m. Sit and wait to leave work till the post man drops the days mail off. Find out he decided to have dinner before he came buy the store. Threaten mail mans life. Cry.
7:35 p.m. Run by parents house to find food, and sew arm back on.
7:50 p.m. - 9:00 p.m. Stand in line at post office and process all the mail that people dropped off all day. Dive home. Collapse right inside doorway.
9:15 p.m. - 11:30 p.m. Watch daily netflix movie. Today's happened to be Clay Pidgeons. A good mystery. Slowly get feeling back in feet.
11:35 p.m. - midnight Eat a big bowl of Blue Bell ice cream and stare at wall.
Midnight - 1:00 a.m. Watch a burned copy of Tuesdays episode of Amazing Race. (by the way it was the best one yet. I recommend watching it starting next Tues at 8:00 p.m. on CBS. (shameless plug)
1:00 a.m. - Present Write a terribly depressing blog about a miserable day. Include zero jokes.
Around 2:30 a.m. Go to sleep. Alone.

Free Advice. Part 1 of 1

The following are a few things I have learned over the past few days. Hopefully they will help you. They should if your a 26 year old single male with above average chest hair. If your not then think of something your mom told you when you were little and now agree with.

Lesson 1: When buying a new car, think about your friends first. Your first thought might be to want something that you can show off to all your friends like a slick car with a nice interior, spacious leg room, a bumping system, mood lights, and coffee maker. Unfortunately this will get you in trouble, because they WILL enjoy all these features. They will enjoy them every time they needs a ride somewhere, weather it be to the mailbox or to Spain. So I come back to, when you buy a new car think of your friends first. If most of your friends have long legs get a car with no leg room. If most of your friends have ears get one with no stereo. If most of your friends like coffee get one with no coffee maker. I learned this lesson the hard way. I got one with all these options and I have already expired my warranty and I haven't even gotten my permanent license plates yet.

Lesson 2: When buying groceries, eat before you go. Now I know that you may have heard this one before from everyone from your grandma to Daffy Duck. But I hope that hearing this from me, will help it set in, because I have graying hair and I learned the hard way, as seems to be a habit. I went to H.E.B. today to pick up some lunch meat and walked out with breakfast, lunch, tea, snack, dinner, dessert, and midnight snack for the next 6 years. I walked every isle in the store and must have bought 3 things of each color of the rainbow on each shelf on each row. I started getting hungrier as I went and after 4 baskets full I left the store broke. It took me 45 minutes to unload my car and another 2 hours to put all the food away. Now it is time to eat. I started looking throughout the crammed packed cabinets, and the stuffed fridge, trying to find that perfect food to quench this now danger level hunger. And I could not find one thing that sounded good enough to eat. So I settled for a bowl of cereal that I had before I even went to the store. I just wish I had eaten before I went. well, now I guess I can go pick up all my friends in my car and bring them over for food. Until next time.

Lab Rats and The Office

Hello, to all. I wanted to be the first person to tell you this. I am OK. I made it 10 weeks taking a non-public experimental allergy medication. I know no one else would probably tell you this, because no one else cares, but I thought I would just throw it out there that I am OK. The medication did cause me to sprout an ungodly amount of chest hair and I will be suing for that but, for all heath purposes, I am OK. We finished our time off with a 48 hour stayover. This is the part where you really earn your money. They coop you up in a hospital ward, stick a huge plastic needle in your vein that they draw blood from every 15 minutes, serve three small meals a day, and require you to stand on one foot. Really, it is not so bad though. They have 20 T.V.'s, a ping pong table, foos ball table, pool table, pay phone, water dispenser, tons of board games, internet, 6 couches, and clocks that all coordinate. I think that if I were to learn about a study that would cause me to have to stay more then 2 days there I would tell them, "Only if you pay me a bunch, and I can have two pillows." We lucked out on our stay, the NCAA Tournament was starting while we were locked up. So we watched basketball from 12 noon until 12 midnight. Breaking only to pee in a jug, eat and give blood. Between March madness upsets, I would take on Jay in ping pong, and loose severely. This caused me to play Chris who I lost to barely, leaving me to only play this old lady that kept telling me that she loves puzzles, and she has seven grand kids. I beat her 21 - 0. They had a DVD player there but I never got to watch any of the movies I brought. (advertisement - Netflix is a great money making opportunity-just sign up for it and they will make much more money, but you will have unlimited rentals.) I brought some Netflix movies with me, one being The Office: Special. I have watched Season one and two over the past month and it has been about my favorite show ever, minus Duck Tales and Baywatch. It is British humor which makes it funny on its own but the characters are all great. It had a nice sappy happy ending so I am at a loss of something amusing to say about it right now. I am still clearing my eyes. But I recommend renting it. Do be warned that there is some language that is not appropriate for parents, grandmothers, children under 23, priests or easily confused people. If you ever watch it all, I am still waiting for something like the ending to happen to me. I guess another movie update I have is I watched The Incredibles, and thought it was good, not to boast but I saw a lot of me in every character in the film. I'm not saying I'm incredible I'm just saying that, maybe little bits and parts of me are, and I saw that in the film. I am kidding of course and tired. So I'm off, until next time.

Bingo Blotters and Mail Tales

Well it has been a while since a wrote, which must be obvious from my corny title. But anyways, I want to tell you that I played a bit of Bingo last night. Not some cheap online version, not some picture Bingo on a road trip, but real Bingo. Do you know why I knew it was real Bingo? It was because there were over twenty people that were at least 100 years old, it was played at a place called Knights of Columbus, whose founders still work there and make up most of the people over 100, and there was a huge electronic bingo board that said "Real Bingo." A few celebrity Bingo players were in attendance as well. The lady that sat next to us, who was from The Nursing Home State, had just won $7,500.00 at the Florida Bingo Championships the month before. Amazing. She said there was over 3,500 people playing in that arena, which is triple the amount of an average WNBA game. We had a strong 350 participants playing, though I think a couple passed away while during the games. But that didn't stop them from playing. Amazing. I don't know if you know Bingo lingo, but they have what you call a blotter that helps you play the game. In stead of using a pencil of a crayola to mark the numbers on your card you can use this blotter. It is basically a shoe polish looking container that dobs out different color ink. They are boring to tell the truth, that is why people, that must have nothing to do, create cute bags to carry all there dobbers and bingo supplies. A normal bingo bag consists of at least 8 dobbers(in pouches lining the outside of the bag), beet sandwiches, Diet Rite, extra hearing-aid batteries, copies of past winning cards, a seat cushion with a bingo numbers design, an empty container for teeth, and a gun. One lady even had a knitted hand that would exstend futher up then her own which had bells on the fingers and Bingo spelled across the palm with yarn. Amazing. I have been to Spurs games that have not had as much tension in the air, as a packed Bingo hall. I think I read on www.theonion.com that Bingo may be in the next Goodwill games, to take the place of gymnastics. I am sure you are wondering, "Well, Kevin how did you do?" I will tell you, I never even came close to winning. I got beat every time. I am going to keep my head up though and maybe after another year of dedication, I will be at the Bingo Championships next year going toe to toe, against the best in the sport, that is if they are still around. Amazing.

I want to take a second and acknowledge a great lady that I have been seeing almost every night for the past 4 years. Her name is Peggy and she works at the busiest and most efficient post office in North America. She has been working there for over 60 years and she is only 39. She is directly responsible for all postage increases, and has a hand in all mail that does not make it to its destination on time. Just Kidding. But she has put up with questions about that for so long she is moving to the back of the main post office, where she will sit on a thrown and throw darts at people that are slacking, and reading your People magazine before you get it. I have been taking mail to her and the others there for 4 years and it will not be the same to stand in line for 3 hours a night and not see Peggy. So here's to Peggy and her new relocation, and may she have another speedy replacement!

Until next time.

Scuba Pictures and King Ranch

As I have thoroughly explained, I am a professional scuba diver now and demand respect. The pictures below are from my journey to Australia with my friend Jay. He was very disappointed about the whole trip because he learned that his cellular phone did not have coverage underwater. He pulled through though and we had a great time on our two day two night scuba dive adventure. We met some interstice people most of which I have already forgotten completely. We had several near death experiences (shark attacks, pirates, and sea sickness) but came out better people in the end. I'll never eat another fish with out thinking first about how sweet and innocent they look. Except that one I jabbed with a spear and carried around like a Kings scepter. I really did have a great time on this dive adventure, and I am eager to go on many more. Problem is it tend to cost money. So I will have to continue to just swim around the pool with a snorkel on, and pretend diving rings are fish. Enjoy the pictures.

I need to share some breaking news with you as well. I am going to add master chief to my non existent resume, for I made with my own hands (I just remembered I didn't wash them first) King Ranch Casserole. I got the recipe from my good friend Leigh Hicks, who I've known since before I have had grey hair, or 8, I can't remember what came first. She has had the recipe in her family for well over 3 months. So I am honored that she gave it to me. I don't mean to brag, but it was kind of good. I'm kidding it was great. Minus the chicken being a bit pink and me misreading 12 cups of cream of mushroom instead of 1, it was fabulous. I think two of you know me well, and the others have probably hear in the news that I don't cook. I think the extent of my cooking usually involves reheating pizza. I can however make any kind of cereal, and I think it is safe to say I am very good at that. Come to think of it I am good at making Pop-Tarts as well. But now I can add King Ranch to this list. Who knows, I might be the next Emeril. Have a good day. Until next time

In case you didn't believe me when I shared with you about using the sink, the shower and the toliet at the same time. Here is proof how small the latrine really was.
Pics by Boris

Well here is the Great Barrier Reef. Home of 500 miles of coral, thousands of kinds of fish, 10 kinds of deadly sharks and Jay and I's first scuba dive in water over waist deep.
Pics by Boris

Here is a distant picture of our boat. I let Jay do the navigating after this dive. It took us 2 hours to swim back to the boat.
Pics by Boris

I sent this picture to an auction when I got back and made a bunch of money. Somthing like 1,000 pennies.
Pics by Boris

This is a whole underwater hillside of eels slithering about. It just looks like coral in a still picture.
Pics by Boris

The bathrooms on the ship broke so at night this was the only option. Kidding. This is acctually during a night dive we did. Notice the complete absence of light.
Pics by Boris

Well kids heres Nemo. He was hard to find, but the giant clam gave us directions and it was great, as you can see. I did poke him with a stick and he swam off but he was nice enouph to smile for the camera.
Pics by Boris

We followed this turtle around until a huge shark came and bit its head off, right in front of us. I was so shocked I forgot to take a picture, but I sure am that shark liked turtle more then studly humans.
Pics by Boris

This is clam as you know. What you don't know is that I carved my initials on the side of it.
Pics by Boris

After 16 tries we got this picture right. Incase you didn't know we are under water here.
Pics by Boris

The last thing we saw, which was a suprise to the whole group, was a red neck. He was at about 60 feet down, I think we startled him. Our dive masters told us they had never seen one before this dive.
Pics by Boris

Mans Best Friend and Drug Studies

I realized today that a dog really, might not be a mans best friend. I have no real evidence, sources and have done no research on the matter and I pretty much just came up with the idea on my own, today at lunch, at Mr Gattie's Pizza, watching a rerun of Bonanza. What caused me stress , besides spilling what seemed to be a gallon of sauce all down the front of my shirt, was the fact that I think I am better friends with my TV clickers/remote controls then I am with my dog. There could be two reasons for this peculiar thought: 1.) I just about watch one movie a night, and watch TV almost everyday, and I listen to my stereo never, so I am constantly using these clickers and I get panicked when I can not find them. Reason 2.) I don't even have a dog. Though once I cleaned up and got to my car I began to think, which I rarely do, maybe other men are in this category. That maybe clickers are better friends then dogs to most men. Then it started to make since to me in my own little way. Clickers can provide endless amounts of entertainment: dogs can bark, chew, eat, and poop. Clickers can make tasks easier, like never having to move from one spot all night allowing you to use the clicker to turn on the TV and the DVD player, order a pizza and message your feet, all from that one spot. A dog on the other hand can make easy tasks harder, like a simple stroll around the block turns in to a tug-a-war, pooper scooper duty and a cat chase. When you leave the house a clicker will stay where you leave it and a dog will chew up your magazines, stain the carpet and jump on you when you walk back in the house. Nope I am just about convinced, a clicker must be a mans real best friend. Don't get me wrong I like dogs but I think I love clickers. Wait a minute. Now that I wrote this I realized that clickers are the best friend, but only if stacks of 100 dollar bills are not around. Money is the best friend most men want. Which brings me to my next pointless point. Drugs. Drug studies to be exact. Did you know there are large drug manufacturing companies that have to fire hundreds of wonderful employee's each year, just so they can free up enough cash to pay human guinea pigs to try out new medicines? Did you know that I don't care? Did you know why I don't? Because I am getting paid 2,500.00 bucks to take some experimental drug for 2 months. I know that one third, or more specifically one of you might think that this has the potential of being dangerous and possibly fatal. And you probably make triple what I make too. The only side effects I have encountered so far is a dark green rash that started around my left knee and has spread to just below my ears. It itches real bad and glows at night but I think that a little neosporine will clear it up. But seriously, twenty five hundred bucks for a little test, you can't beat that with a stick. Unless of course, your rich and have a dog. Well, I need to go soak this shirt to try and get this stain out, go say hello to my clicker and apply some neosporine. Until next time.

"Club Scion" and Moodlights.

Hi, good morning to all that read this to wake up, and goodnight to all that read this to put yourselves to sleep. Let me tell you right off the bat, I am so happy to be part of an important, exclusive, prestigious club. NO, not the Mickey Mouse Club or the Bored Billionaire's Club, but something right in the middle, a perfect average: "The Scion Club." Well, I am missleading a bit, I do not offically become a full benifets member untill I finish "just 60 easy payments of $293.45." But is it not exciting. I have a new car. NEW, not handed down. NEW, not unnew. NEW, you get the point. It has a smell to it that I wish I could bottle and wear during an interview or a first date, whatever that is. It has just 178 miles on it as I speak. Not 178,234,001 like my last car. It is not just that the whole car is in one peice and all the paint matches that I like, though those are nice to have for once, it is the small things. Like having wiper blades that acctually move water off the window and not just gather it in a huge puddle at the drivers eye level, like I am used too. It has a cup holder witch should help cut me spilling Big Red all over the floor from 3 times a day to just one time a decade. It has 17" alloy rims, instead of plastic wheel covers that pop off when you hit a curb at 30 mph. These just get huge dents which ruin the whole car, wait this makes me nervous. Speaking of nervous, I used to be nervous every time I took a turn greater then 17 degrees, because I felt I was about to lose control of my car. My new car can not only turn 90 degrees sharp at 60 MPH but it can do it on a sheet of ice. That is that this little red guy with horns that sits on my shoulder told me anyways. Did you know that this car, this Scion, this Scion tC has a huge babe magnet that sits in the trunk as well. It is either that or a spare tire. I havent read the manual yet. It does have a CD player that plays so loud that you can hear the music over the road noise, something I didn't know was possible before now. The cd player also displays the name of the song, the singer and the album the song is from, which is a great feature if your a dork. Lets move on. It has a cool rearview mirror that I payed extra for, that plays a recording of complements that stroke my ego, it tells me, "your cool, your smart, your not a dork for being intrested in the albumn title of that last song." I'm kidding of course. It does have mood lights however, which come in handy almost never. It has homelink(opens garage doors, turns inside lights on, chills a beer) programed into it as well wich comes in handy way more often but is less cool. Let me see... what else is way more awsome about my car then all of yours. Oh yeah, it has a sun roof and a matching moon roof in the back seat. My old car used to have a moon roof too. But, it was actually a rust hole the size of a CD with tape streatched over it, that I called a moon roof. That car did not have back seats that recline like my new Scion either. In fact, it didn't even have a back seat, just laundry, blankets, mail, and receipts shaped into a seat. All in all it is just about the best car ever invented. And I own it. Well Broadway Bank owns it and I drive it. But at least I get to use the moodlights. Untill next time.

New Forms of Tired

Since I last wrote about having visited Hell. I believe Hell has since taken a field trip and visited me here at my new house. Well it is not mine it is my roomates, Joel's house. My body does feel like I have rebuilt it one wood plank at a time. Oh wait that is what I did. My friend Foof, who is a professional complainer who is quite handy with everything that involves manual labor, came over at 10:00 a.m. As soon as he got here we proceeded to try and kill ourselves by, removing the carpet from the entire house, removing the base boards, sweaping up about 30 punds of dead dirt and dead termites, and laying wood planks. That may sound like an easy task. But fiting it into a house that has a bunch of nooks and cranny's is about as fun as walking on shattered glass. I believe I have permantly destroyed my back, in fact typing this blog with my fingers is hurting my lower back. I think it has something to do with Newtons Law. I have to admit though, I did just take a shower and took a few Tylenol PM's, Advils, some Sudefed, and a few tic tacs, so I am about to fall forward and pass out. You may wonder if I am proud of my work, and I would say yes. All 15 hours of it. There was a ten minute period I was not proud of and that was, when i tried to take a break to get some water. Just kidding. Well untill nesxt time, I need allow these pills work, I think they are i can't feel my legs or my tonsils.

I'm Baaaaack.

Well it is good to know that 3 people have been waiting on my next post. I however have been on vacation this past week. I have been visiting Hell for the past 6 days. Started last Friday when I got off work and started packing up everything I owned, into Wal-mart sacks, mail bins(sorry), and trash cans. I then spent all Saturday(which rained all day) and Sunday(which did have sunshine) moving from a 8,000 square foot house into a 800 square foot house. Give or take a thousand. So this wore me out for the weekend. Stayed up late Sunday night trying to clear a path so I could get to my bed to sleep. Well after about a combined 12 hours of sleep over Fri-Sat-Sun nights I need a nice slow day at work to unwind. Nope Monday must be some tax day for 3/4th of San Antonio and 1/2 of them come to us in Stone Oak to mail their letters, and the other half stood in front of me in line at the post office when I took mail there that night. Just wonderful. It is now late when get home, to find out there is no water in the house and I bathed with a tooth brush in the sink with a bottle of Ozarka. Tuesday was just as busy, and to add to it, my car was about to be ready. I needed to find a interest rate that would be low enough to allow me to afford food each month. Well... It is 930 I need to be at work in 30 minutes and I need to go shower with my toothbrush again so Ill finish this later. Until then.