A Top Ten List

Top Ten comedies that I own on DVD.
10. Me, Myself and Irene - Gotta love shock bathroom humor.
9. Tommy Boy - "Fat guy in little coat" and "room service..." enouph said.
8. Airplane - By far the funniest movie set in an airplane.
7. Office Space - "Oh Oh Oh." Did you get the memo?
6. Vacation - "If we park in the last spot, we'll be the first to leave." Good ole Clark. (I will lump in the other Vacation movies here too.)
5. Rat Race - absolutely great. Would be number one but no one would agree.
4. Napoleon Dynamite - "Gosh, are you trying to ruin my life."
3. Meet the Parents - Part of why I am still single. Fear that that is what it is really like.
2. Three Amigo - Nothing better then Lucky Day, Dusty Bottoms and Ned Nederlander saving the day. Plus kisses on the veranda are always nice.
1. Dumb and Dumber - Maybe even the best drama as well.

Keep in mind that these are DVD's that I own. I imagine there could be funnier movies but I doubt it. Wait Space Balls would be up there. So would Van Helsing, because that movie was a joke. Anyways. Back to the J-O-B. Until next time.

Vacations & Football Season

Life can now offically move on for the both of you that still check each day to see if I wrote something. Because the wait is over. The hiatus has passed. The vacation is over. It is back to getting serious about keeping my blog current with the latest news and notes from my life. Well for the latest on me you will have to call me. I am extremely tired at the moment and absolutly nothing is entering my head at this moment except very dry and humorless jokes. I would like make this blog a site that would only have exceptional jokes. So for give me for keeing it short, but maybe I will add some photos from my travels to Key West, Miami Beach and New Orleans. Infact I will work on that now. I will talk about football and how great this season is going to be in both the collegate and professional levels. Ok Pics. Until next time.

Imitators and Keys

First off, I want to let every one know that I am not in San Antonio as I am writing this. I am in a place that would make every one except Jess jealous. I am in Key West. It is further south then any other place in the USA that you can get to with a car and dance moves. It is important to travel to this destination with dance moves. It is filled with establishments that cater to dancing and serving beverages that encourage dancing. But there is nothing wrong with this if your are semi-young semi-greyhaired and single like me. For there is nothing holding you back from dancing with future hot wives, except..... not doing it. It makes you(or me in this case) feel terrible when you do not take advantage of the opportunity of sweet innocent Baptist girls walking down the street with no parent supervision for the first time since last week. But seriously. I am not married like my travel mate so it is hard to pick up the opposite sex without explaining a 7 hour story of his relationship. Anyways, just to remind you, I am in Key West as I type right now. It is nice. It is a great place to people watch. It is fun to watch how certain situations work out between a guy that does not belong in Florida, let alone the Keys, and some girls that not only belong in the Keys but probably even in a V.S. catalog. His persistence was noteworthy but is inability to take a strong no, led to his demise. You see this guy was an imitators, trying to imitate someone that gets women. His only tools were pick up lines he read off gum wrappers and seven alligator Bombs. (basically a drink that Doctors would prescibe to a patient before open heart surgery as an form of knock out drug, but served in the Keys for only 7.00 bucks) Anyways, with everything going wrongly for him, he takes one last approach at imitating a successful ladies man, when a guy roughly the size of Shaquill O'Neal came buy yelled at him, slammed his face into the table(shattering his big coke bottle glasses into his retina), completely tore his left arm off(the one he kept touching the model with), and then used the torn off arm to beat the guy. It was really quite a site. The imitators was thrown out onto the street where he, and this is unbelievable, got right back up walk into the bar(holding his left arm in his right hand), walked right up to the bar and asked for is tab. Well those are just the sureal things that you see in Key West on any given night.

Let me catch you up on what is going on in my life. I know it has been a month or more since I wrote on this. I have been busy, I will give you the short version(one sentence version, so pay attention.) I quit my job of four years, planned on going to Thailand to teach, Thailand fell through, I locked my self in doors for a week, then applied for jobs, I played three seasons of Collage football on PS2, I had many long nights on weekdays, I went back to my old job to help out, I decided to go back full time to old job, but not until I went on a trip, and then I traveled by new Scion to the Florida Keys. That is it in a nut shell. Hopefully I will keep this updated more often now that I will have a set schedule again. Not working for 4 weeks turns your weekdays to weekends and your weekends in to just one long day. But starting Monday I get back to the grind.

Let me make this even longer and tell you about our trip. We left Saturday at 1:00 in the afternoon, and made it to Tallahassee Florida by 2:00 that night. If you don't have a calculator and a map and a Calculus book handy I will save you time and let you know that it was pretty quick. I drove every hour of it too. Not because Jay wouldn't but because I was in a zone. Anyways, we went by Florida State University that next morning and snuck into yet another stadium and got some pics with Bobby Bowden. Then we took a nice drive through pouring rain to Miami Beach. Jason drove this entire drive while I lauphed. We had a nice time there and then we drove to Key Largo(like the Beach Boys song), and had a great Scuba dive day. Saw sharks and eels. Very nice. More about the trip later. Sorry for bad grammar. Wrote half last night. Until next time.

NBA CHAMPS! and Chest Hair.

Did you know that there is only three circumstances in which it is OK for a grown man in his mid to upper 20's to shed tears? First, and most importantly it is when the team that he sweats blood for, wins a Championship. More specifically it is when my San Antonio Spurs win the NBA Championship while I am sitting at the game, yelling until my ribs crack. As you can see in the picture I so cleverly placed in my blog(not exactly how I thought they would show up), I attended the Championship clinching game with my boss, his wife and some guy that said his name was "Doc Spice." The confetti is still streaming down behind us and beverages are still floating inside of us. It was a beautiful night, that ended up with a 4 hour parking jam and jumps off of highways. I know you might be thinking that the tears shed in a moment like this are tears of joy and not real tears. That is where you are wrong and I am right. Tears are Tears. Anyways, another time it is OK to let tears swell up in your eyes is if you decide to ride a ridiculous roller coaster when it is below fifty degrees out side. Much like this superman ride in Dallas. It packs a mean punch but at least you don't have to wear super hero tights. Again, you might complain that these tears are not formed by human effort but by human genetics. And again, you would be wrong and I am right. Tears are Tears. The final reason it is fine to let go of some tears is if you are watching a movie about two cripples who beat life's odds and make a good life for themselves. Now that is definitely a cause for Kleenex. Rory O'Shea Was Here is a excellent movie. I didn't cry but it is OK for anyone to cry during it and for weeks after.... excuse me a second.... sorry... just got something in my eye. Not only was this movie very moving but it was very funny as well. Same director as About A Boy. If you watch it and are not moved by it I will not only not believe you, but I will send you tickets to see Yanni next time he is in town. Ok, I am going on and on about this movie, but it is because I have nothing else to write about, which is probably why you are wondering to yourself, "When is he going to talk about chest hair, his title was 'NBA CHAMPS! and Chest Hair?'" To answer your question I just did. Until next time.

Please Pray for Free Throws

Well, I not only will I not make it to my 70th birthday, but now my 60th birthday is in jeopardy after the Spurs, led by their supreme power forward Tim Duncan, clanked their way to a game seven in the NBA finals. Me and 200,000 other silver and black blooded fans packed into every bar, restaurant and closet in downtown to view what was sure to be the Spurs finest moment. A third Championship in 7 years. I viewed the game at the famous Menger Hotel in the lobby bar. Seventy-five of us shared a hand held television to watch in agony as the Spurs decided that they do not like their fans and lost in a most disturbing way. They turned the ball over and missed free throws. Lets dissect each of these to further explain. A turnover is when the Spurs have the ball and are trying to score baskets and in stead of easily tossing the ball into the orange rim, they tap one of the Detroit players on the arm, getting there attention, and then place the ball in their hands, and say, "here you go, you take it, we don't like our fans." Well to be honest it might not be in English considering each the Spurs players have mailing addresses in different countries. A turnover is the second worst thing you can do in a game. It is unfortunately the Spurs second best ability. Their first and greatest crappy accomplishment is missing free throws. Being born with a brain and 10 toes immediately qualifies each of us to know without being taught what the definition of FREE is. "Getting something that cost you nothing, and makes you happy nine times out of ten." The Spurs get FREE throws regularly, but missed the memo I guess that said you are supposed to make them, because they are FREE. When a restaurant has FREE food night, the place is packed with people taking advantage of FREE food. Tim Duncan missing these FREE throws has caused me to do something drastic, I BLAME HIM, and him alone if the Spurs do not take the championship belt away from Rasheed Wallace(the guy with the weird gum spot on the back of his head.) It has caused me to take other drastic steps as well. I have been using some prayers to try and help Duncan's FREE throw problem. I only have a limited amount of prayers I offer a day so I had to cut out a few people I pray for. Mainly just the terminally ill. I figure those are high priority prayers, and if I use some of those for Timmy then maybe he will make some FREE throws. Well, it is getting late and I have about 45 minutes of proof reading to go so I will end this now. Every one stop what you are doing, fold your hands together, close your eyes and repeat after me, "Dear Lord," your turn
"please drop a bag of a million dollars in Kevin's lap. Thank you!" your turn Until next time.

All Personalities on Hold.

We(me and the other personalities) had a group discussion and decided letting you three in on the next personality could wait. I mean you have already waited two weeks! So, what I needed to discuss was the big news of a certain Big Shot. "Big Shot Bob" to be exact. The San Antonio Spurs secret weapon. Well, he is a secret to women soccer fans, The Ellen Show viewers and Howard Dean voters. Because, if you have ever turned on the NBA playoffs in May-June then you have seen the weapon I am talking about. Robert Horry. He has been one of the most clutch performers in the history of the NBA. He has hit Big Shots with the Houston Rockets, and The Evil Empire(read: Lakers) and now my San Antonio Spurs. I say "my" because I have invested my health to their well being. When they lose, I lose weeks off my life. When they win, I lose weeks off my life. The Spurs have a knack at making there games appear as a loss for 99.9% of the game. Then they throw "Big Shot Rob" out there to take care of the last .01%. This is no way to view a Spurs game. But it is also a good way to make sure you will see the game for years to come, making their games what sports nuts call "Instant Classics." The Spurs played in this fashion last night and now I will not make it to my 70th birthday. "Big Shot Bob" made 21 of the Spurs last 34 points giving him him the title of "Legend of the Game." Not to change gears, but I have to do a little bragging of my own. I have a job in witch famous people visit me never. Mainly because I don't work in L.A., but also because I make less then Sonic skate girls. But that is not the point. The point is I am close to being re-nick-named "Big Shot Borris." For I sent a emergency overnight package to New York for non other then the most tan Desperate Housewife. I am sure it is illegal to use her name on here. But she is now Tony Parker's biggest fan on the court, she is my most famous customer off the court. I think I am her favorite mail stud. I'm sure she liked the fact that I stood there unable to talk, and I just mailed her package and even fronted her a dime. So, now maybe I have an in in Hollywood. But lets get back to reality. I will not be blogging tomorrow night because I will be downtown running the streets with 200,000 other ecstatic Spurs fans, when they close out the 2005 Playoffs with a victory. Hopefully. Until then!

The Five Personalities of Kevin - Part 3

I struggle with sharing so much about my self, with how easy identity theft is these days. So I will not be sharing any credit card numbers or checking routing numbers. But I will let you in on a second figment of my imagination. He is someone I should contact more when I try and spell with my own personality. He is my oldest personality, and he laughs that I have as much grey hair as he does. I remind him that the are wisdom streaks. Truth is, it is in his case. So, here is my brainiac personality.

3. He is a professor. He reads almost 18 hours a day, and has bad eyesight from reading in an insufficiently lit room. He went to school to learn not party. He loves English. I made him up because I am English illiterate. He got a Masters in English, and knows every word in the dictionary, the meaning and origin or the word as well. He was runner up twice at the Scripps Spelling Bee as a child and has never really let go of the pain of defeat. We other personalities here him mumble the spelling of the word, appoggiatura, over and over, emphasizing that there are two "g's" and not one. He is basically a dork, a book nerd have you. But he comes in handy almost never. He does read out loud sometimes putting the rest of us to sleep, but he has occationaly read something interesting. However, we still laugh at him. Since he is the oldest, like I said before, we do respect him enough to not kick him out as a personality, and have even used his elderly wisdom to settle spats between the personalities. I let him think he settled some fights because I know it would crush him to know that it is really me who starts and ends all scuffles. If you want to see a picture of him and see a bit more of his boring credentials, click here. Now I have to go get in bed, I think he is going to finish To Kill A Mockingbird, tonight and I have run out of sleeping pills. Until next personality.

The Five Personalities of Kevin - Part 2

Since I promised to let you in on my conversation fabrications, I will let you know about my talented left brained personality.

2. He is a singer. He tends to wear pants that are too tight and wares a ridiculous hat. A cowboy hat to be specific. He has written songs entitled "If Whiskey Were A Woman I'd Be Married For Sure," "My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field While Your Dear John Was Breakin' My Heart," and "Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed." Me and the other personalities make fun of his songs. He plays guitar but only knows 3 notes, so all his songs are a bit repetitious. He likes to ride horses and he likes his women to have the ability to spit watermelon seeds over 30 feet. He wears boots made out of snakes and constantly taps his left foot on the ground. He tends to be the dorkiest of my personalities. He tries to dance the two step and the half step, but only ends up doing a one and a half. He tries though. He gets girls for the sole reason of being up on a stage with a guitar and singing. It is just that the girls he usually gets have mullets and are stronger then him. This personality lives up in the Wyoming area but travels around the middle northern central four states promoting his CD by playing concerts at county fairs and nursing homes. He borrowed some money from one of the more successful personalities but he did start up a web site where you all can check in on his progress. You can even buy a shirt. So instead of sending five dollars to my fan club, you can pay 22 bucks for a shirt of my country singer personality. Well I got to get back to listening to one of his more racy titles, "I Can't Fly My Kite No More Cause My Wife Won't Give Me Any Tail." Check out his web site here and join the fan club. Until next personality.

The Five Personalities of Kevin - Part 1

Since it is not fair to say that my blog page is an international success, I will pretend it is and I will share with you all a bit more about myself. When I have talked to myself, which I do often, I found I got bored just talking to myself. To remedy this I created 4 other personalities. Now I can carry on several conversations with myself and never get bored. I will start with my own personality and then delve into the four I have created for myself, to keep me company, over the next few blogs.

1. I am a regular guy. Soon to be extremely muscular and rich. I tend to exaggerate when ever I think people will believe me. I like banana pudding and lunchables. I work at a mail center where I help people all day with a smile and sore feet. I enjoy movies, and try to watch one each night. I write a blog to pass the time and work on my English. I can juggle but can't use a hula hoop. I like to read books, but don't like to read the end of them. I like to make up the ending and I find that if I finnish the book it is never as exciting as what I had already made up. I play many sports and am great at them all in my mind, my body is seldom as good as my mind thinks it is. I prefer Adidas over Nike, mainly because of price. I collect shot glasses, and have over 200 of them. There is a story behind each one of them, non involving alcohol. I tend to exaggerate when I think people will believe me. I know very little about electronics except that they are expensive and filled with wires. It has been covered that I have little fashion sense. But I have little fashion sense. I like to travel. I have traveled in over 32 states. I have swam in 3 or the 4 major oceans. I have visited five continents. I have coke cans in three different languages. I am a big fan of the Amazing Race. I can be ready for work in 11 minutes if I have too. I like to order Chimichangas at Mexican restaurants and rate them on a 1-5 scale. I have had eight cavities on one visit to the dentist. I'm versatile, creative and right handed. I make things up almost never. Until next personality.

It's Spreading! (no, not my rash)

I am still out of my funk, but I have a bunch going on right now. Unlike some of my friends that are still in school, I have no tests to study for or no papers due tomorrow. What I do have, is a rare medical condition. I have had symptoms for the few weeks. They are slightly high temperatures, sleeplessness, irritation of the phyche, and disscolored blood. What I have is widely common thoughout the USA and the Globe for that matter. I have a strand that is more concentrated in southern Texas, though traces are being seen all around the world, like Argentina, France, Slavanina, and Krystucxhgystgzan. I believe the origin of this medical condition was found in the Virgin Islands and transferred to Wake Forrest where it stayed stagnate for four years. It has been in the San Antonio and surrounding area for much of the past 7 years now. I caught it early in 1999 and have been battling it off an on. I feel the symptoms the strongest from late April until early June. We are smack dab in the middle of this season. I am of course talking about Spurs Fever, caused by silver and black running through the veins. With the Spurs just 6 victories away from taking home their 3rd Championship trophy in 6 years I believe I have it worse then ever. This has caused me to be a little lackadaisical when it comes to keeping my 6 friends entertained. I think I would make more blogs if I made 10 million a year, like Tim Duncan. Ok, I would probably pay Dave Barry to write them for me, then I would pay thousands of people to read it. But what I have is 6 people reading my no pay blog. Anyways, I am starting to ramble. Lets keep focused this next two and a half weeks. The Spurs come first then, getting big at the gym, then sleep, then blogs. Now I need to go take some medicine for this fever. Go Spurs Go, Untill next time.

The Funk, The Force and the Wardrobe

Can I start off by saying that I have been in a funk lately? Of course I can, first off, this is my blog and second, it has been obvious I have been in a funk lately. I have not had many entries lately, and the only reason I have found(and I looked for like an hour)is that I have been in a funk. A good old fashion funk. If you do not know what a funk is I will save you a trip to the phone book. It is when your motivation to do something dips below a 3 on the 1-10 motivation scale, founded by Hulk Hogan I think. I was at 1 for about a month. A further definition of funk is when you can find excuses to not do something you should, and usually these excuses are terrible. I found that doing absolutely nothing was easier then working on a blog entry. I would read newspapers that were weeks old, label all my underwear and socks, and organize all my past due bills, anything to keep from blogging. I did not think I could ever write a blog again. This nasty funk was unfortunately spread from another area, that being my workout routine. I had discovered it is way easier to not work out and lay in bed until 30 minutes before I should be at work, then to wake up early work out and be sore for weeks. I think this is where my blogless funk started. If my funk would only spread to my eating habits I would be skinny. Anyway, I am happy to announce, and I hesitate announcing this, but I have officially lost my funk. Actually it is probably hiding in my reading habits, but I will let it hang out there for a while. This way I can blog more and become insainly muscular(hot).

Did every one know what happens on this Thursday morning at 12:01 in the a.m.? It is simply a large gathering of dorks, but I like to disguise that definition with Star Wars Anonymous. People have had their tickets under lock and key over the past two weeks, and have polished there Darth Masks to wear to the opening of the newest installment of Star Wars. All you ladies should take note, that every movie theater will have a huge number of single men. Probably the largest gathering of singles since the last Star Wars movie came out, or the last Star Trek convention(but I guess they are one in the same). Anyways, who would go to a movie at midnight, knowing they have to be up the following morning at 7:00 am to work? Foolish. I guess the same kind of person that has tried to use the Force to retrieve the remote control from the other side of the room.

Does anyone of you 6 think that their closet is full of a wide variety of clothes? What an impossible task. Keeping up with trends, keeping up with brands, and keeping up a savings account while keeping up with the others. I made A's B's and an ocational C in school but I have a F in the wardrobe department. I have my closet divided into two parts. Extremely stained and less noticable stained. In each of those groups I have sub groups. Flowered and t-shirts. I have one shirt that the others in the closet have made stand alone by itself. That would be my lone trendy shirt. I am known, when I go out, as the guy in the flowered shirt or the same trendy shirt guy. My jeans are all the same color. I have one pair that looked ruined when I bought them, with all sorts of bleach lines in them, they are my lone trendy pair. I won't talk about my shoe situation, because I'd like to keep some dignity. I do have my name in all my underwear and socks though. Anyways, I guess I just need help in the department of shopping. I have allowed the Funk to live comfortably in my shopping habits, since birth. But, it has allowed me to have enough money to buy Darth Vader helmets. COOL, moved the remote with the Force I did! Until next time.

Costco and Graduations

I have not been able to misspell words for you in a while because, I have been lost. Not Lost as in overhyped and ridiculous t.v. drama, but lost. I entered a wholesale food mart called Costco. It was as large as Disney Land. What was crazy is if you go to buy just some soap your out of luck, unless you want to buy a 120 pack of soap. I don't know about you but I like to change up my soap every couple of months. If I got this bundle I would be in my forties and still not need new soap. They sell computers there too, but again, unless your needing 5 of them at once, do not buy it here. I was there hunting for printer paper for work. So, I ventured off to the west side of the store because it looked appealing, and there was sign that said printer paper. On my way there I passed a table that had shorts all over it. The sign said "one pair 18.99", and in small print underneath it said, "must buy five pair to get this price." Seems unfair unless that is part of a uniform you wear. Ok ok I am heading toward paper, when I am yelled at by some old man with a hair-net holding what I guess is possibility of hair reaching his head. The old man was bald, but he was offering me pizza pocket samples. Being a healthy young man(and cheap) I accepted his offer of a free hot pocket sample. The olden preceded to tell me, "you can get a box of 72 of these great snacks or party hordurves and they make a great lunch or dinner. They only have 145 grams of fat and they come in a box with a shoulder strap." It sounded like a recording, and then it dawned on me that the shoulder strap was because the box was to large too put in any grocery cart. I thanked the man and moved on hearing the him grab another victim behind me. I passed another seven of these stations one serving a new kind of bread, another baked ziti to serve 16, another promised an ice-cream cone that is healthy for kids, and some non-carbonated, sugar free, taste-free drink. Nice, I had just sampled a full course meal. Snack, bread, meal, dessert, and drink. And now I was tired, so I layette on a hammock that they sell in bundles of three. While sleeping, I had a dream that I was not yet graduated from college and I was 27 years old, with car held together by pliers. I woke myself in a sweat and realized it was just a dream, for I remembered that it was not me who had not graduated, it was my friend and travel buddy Jay(to be fair it was because he changed his major about 12 times and was on the phone for 4 of the years). He graduates on Saturday I thought to myself. Then I chuckled to myself. I needed to look for a gift. But not here, unless I wanted to get his whole class the same gift. Oh, as a side note, I have a friend and travel buddy named Kenny. He is still a sophomore in college, so he should be out of college by his 31st B-day. Go Kenny. Well, I did find my paper, but it took a fork lift to take it to my car, and while in line to pay I did find something for Jay. A card. Which reminds me I have to sign all 60 of these. Until next time.

One of those days....

Have you ever had one of those days? Has anyone ever told you, "Man(or woman), I have had one of those days." Have you ever said the phrase, "I have had one of those days."? What does 'one of those days' really mean? I plan on telling you. Well, I actually plan on making up what it means because I have no clue what it really means. I don't even know what my own phone number with out looking at my phone info. Anyways, what I believe it means is simply that you have encountered a day that you wish you had not encountered. A day that is filled with one annoying thing after another like cutting yourself while shaving, stepping in dog poop, cellular signal keeps fading while on an important call, difficult customers at work, snagging your favorite shirt... and so on. All of these things added up makes for 'one of those days.' I think(actually I know) that if worse stuff happens it would be categorized as a 'bad day', not just 'one of those days.' It is a fine line but a 'bad day' takes 'one of those days' and multiplies it by anywhere from 2-5 times. It would be cutting yourself while shaving and forgetting to take the tissue off the cut while meeting your blind date(not blind as in Ray), falling in dog poop on your way to a job interview, cellular fades while talking to Angelina Jolie about a possible rendezvous, customers with a gun or 90 year olds all day with bad hearing, having your shirt ripped by a mugger who takes your wallet and passport and kicks you in the face.... and so on. All of these would constitute a 'bad day' for sure. But you can not have a 'bad day' or 'one of those days' unless you had a day that would act as the placebo. I think a 'good day' would be that. I think everyday that is not 'one of those days' or a 'bad day' has to fall in the category of a 'good day.' An example of a 'good day' would be not having to shave, stepping on a wad of hundred dollar bills(then putting it in pocket), talking to Angelina with full reception bars about where to meet for dinner, having all beautiful single female customers and using the hundreds you found to buy six new shirts... and so on. I guess what I am trying to say is I guess we live life pretty much as 'one of those days.' So now when someone says they have had 'one of those days' I am just going to laugh at them and take their wallet and kick them in the face, and say "now you have had a 'bad day.'" I'm kidding of course, I would say what I always say, "yep, I know what that's like." And then I would finish cleaning the poop off my shoe, and continue helping irritating customers. Well, it has been 'one of those days' for me so I better go. I hope you all have 'good days' and stay away from 'bad days,' I got to go sew up this shirt for work tomorrow. Until next time.

Reasons My Eyes Look Like Walmart Bags

Though there are probably more reasons then I have here, but here are the top five reasons my eyes are on the brink of sagging down past my jaw, and turning the color of dirty fingernails. I looked in the mirror the other night and did not recognize who I was looking at, I did just get home form a costume party but still, the point remains. I have been kept up lately and I can't think of one reason that is my own fault. So here goes.

1.) Thailand Teachers. A friend(a teacher in Thailand that is from New Jersey) that got caught up in the mob in Bangkok needed a place to lay low for a few days so she decided to travel to Texas. She learned many things while she stayed here: that there is no basement in the Alamo, that the Spurs come before everything (even friends running from Thai mob), that when camping always pack the rain tarp(see reason 3), and how many teeth a zebra has. Anyways, she was used to a time zone where she would be waking up about the time we go to sleep so we tried to cater to her needs (and there were like 2, she's not very needy) by showing her around the city all night long, all while working all day. So Jenny is a small reason my eyes are going to crap, but she is welcome back anytime, next year!

2.) The San Antonio Spurs. They seem to be playing some late games lately. And if they are on then I am watching. Usually not blinking. The thing is when they play I feel like I am there with them and I am taking charges as well. I tend to get too into the games and I think my heart rate goes up, as well as my blood pressure. Strangely enouph my cholesterol goes down. The point is even if the game ends at a decent time, it takes about 5 hours to get my body down to a level where it is safe to lay flat. Playoffs are in full swing now which even heightens my Spur watching symptoms, so I will get no reprieve here. And don't lauph at such a advanced word use, I am looking at being a teacher someday.

side note:(For anyone that cares-I know Benu Uldrih personally. I danced with his cousin and now were almost best friends. I have no proof.)

3.) Tent Rain Guard. "Do we need this bulky thing?" I think was the question asked when packing for a trip to Enchanted Rock. The temperature out side was near 100, the sky had no cloud in the sky. Our guest Jenny(see reason 1) responded, "no way, we don't need that!" Well needless to say after a brilliant day of throwing rocks at birds and rabbits, hiking up dangerous jagged rocks, and making conference calls it preceded to rain all night long. It was a ten man tent that there were 17 of us, but it seemed that only Jenny(see reason 1), Jay and I absorbed the 5 hour down pour. This and the fact that it dropped to about 20 degrees limited my sleep this night, and took about 7 years from the youthfulness of my eyes. And all because of a quick decision(see reason 1 and 3).

4.) Netflix Ok Ok... I almost place the blame of this squarely on the shoulders of me. I tend to watch too many movies but only after I have worked a 10 hour work day, watched a Spurs game, eaten, played Halo on X-box and written a blog. So it is not really my fault. I do like movies. I just don't like to go to the store to look for movies. I am lazy enouph where I like them to be mailed to my front door, which is what Netflix does. I recommend everyone to join. Not only does late night movie watching cause me to have puffier bags under my eyes, it caused me to be able to quote from a endless amount of movies. Which comes in handy, on first dates. Or other words, last dates.

5.) This blog. I should be in bed now watching my movie(see reason 4) but instead I am up writing a few words to my 7 friends. But what can I say it is a passion of mine. If it were not for this blog, I would never be able to be serious in person. This gives me a chance to let go of all the stuff that rattles around in my head. But it does not take away from the fact that it deforms this head. I'll let you know that it is 2:15 in the morning right now, and I have yet to proof read this, which takes about 2 hours(and yes I proof read, you bunch of comedians). So I better keep this short. Until next time.

Fan Clubs and Water Beds

I relies that it has been some time since I have written a blog. But I need to share with you a simple but painful fact. Blog fame went to my head. Once I reached the 10 visitors a week mark I thought I could retire and live off my first two months of blogging. This was a miserable notion. Not only did this not support me, but it caused me to gain ten pounds and gave me two cavities. I am now overweight and blog idealess. I think all people are born with 10% of their brain wired for writing blogs. I used it up quick. So I need to just come up with new ways to write a blog. I need ideas for blogs. I need motivation for blogs. I need money for blogs. I think it would be a good idea for some one to start a Blogs-by-Boris Fan Club/Multi-level Marketing Scam. If each of the 5 of you each get 5 people to join the Club/Scam, and pledge $5 a month to my inspiration for blogs checking account, then I think that I could write up to two blogs a day. But I am getting ahead of my self here, it is not my place to start a club that honors me. I am just throwing the idea out there. I wouldn't mind if each of you came up with two off the wall topics and sent them to me via e-mail(kcm97m@gmail.com). I will write about the topics as long as they do not involve celery or foot odor. Maybe this will get me back to using that 10% of my size big head. Ideas are good, but I also think that motivation for writing blogs could play a big part of more consistent blogging. Although money and water bed wrestling are good motivation tools, I think I would be happy with a simple reply on each blog you read. Notice the use of you instead of ya'll. It is improper grammar to use ya'll unless your talking to a group bigger then 8. That made little since. The point is let me know in a few words what you think of the blog, if you like it stroke my ego, if you did not care for it, keep your comments to your self. It is that easy. Well, that and 5 dollars a month. Until next time or July.

Excuses are like .....

I am sorry I have not written in a while, but I realized I left out a minor detail in my last blog about my horrible wreck. I shattered both arms. This has made it quite hard to type. Knowing you were anticipating a blog, I worked diligently over the last 5 days to try to figure out a new way to type. I tried with my toes(didn't work, due to the smell and lack of flexibility), I tried with a chop stick rubberbanded to my head(didn't work, splinters), I even tried holding a pencil in my mouth and using the eraser end to hit the keys(didn't work, mainly because I used sharp pencils which poked my cheek and gave me lead poisoning.) I came to find that what worked the best however, was typing nothing at all. But this is all really a big excuse for being lazy. Something that has come quite easy lately. There is nothing quite like doing nothing. Especially when stuff needs to be done. The problem is it leaves you rushing to do the things that are important until the last minute. Example: I have a test tomorrow that could change my life(more like give me one) and I have not studied yet but I will get to it. If you are a slacker you know that "not really studied but I will get to it" means "I have not studied one bit" the "I will get to it" part is thrown in to make you feel better. (I feel way better now.) Moving on. I had a crazy customer float into my store today. I want to show respect so I will not broadcast her name over the internet so I will just refer to her as Crazy Lune. Well, Crazy Lune came in wearing a out fit that was quite intresting. A giant sweater and matching pants, all made of yarn in a rainbow of colors. On Crazy Lune's t-shirt was a picture of herself, with her 15 cats. Needless to say, I was scared. I tried to help her as fast as I could so that she would go back to her cat farm, but she insisted on telling me about her single daughter and how great it would be for me to go out with her single-and-looking daughter. I'm a healthy guy in my late 20's but I think I had a mild stroke at this idea. I am not one to make judgments about someone I have never met but in this case I was quite certain that even if the gal was Miss America, the thought of Christmas dinners (Most likely tuna) and family get togethers, gave me such a fright that I just froze and turned pale. She took this as a sign that I was interested, so she got out her knit purse and dug through what must have been six thousand coupons, and retrieved a pen and paper to get my number. Being the quick thinker that I am I gave her my friend Lizen's cell number, and address. Crazy Lune then started chanting something in gibberish and then raced out the door on her broom. I then blinked for the first time in ten minutes and closed up shop. The lesson here is basically that God is sending me a sign that is it time to go out and meet girls or he is going to send them to me one way or the other. I will get too it. First, I have to let my arms heal, then I'll get to it. Until next time.

Asleep at the Wheel and Birthdays

Well, it has been a while since I have updated my dork hobby. But the wait is over. I have been a bit busy over the past few days however. It is due to my other dork hobby, X-box. Halo 2 to be exact. My roommates, friends, neighbors, strangers and grandparents are all better at me on it. I have come to the realization that I am horrible at video games and need to stick to things like watching movies. I can do that better then every one except Ebert. Anyways, a notion(Def.-a bad idea compounded into a plan) popped into my head about four days ago that if I practice for 78 straight hours on the X-box that I might become competitive. Well, I tried it and it did not work. I only became a time bomb of frustration, my blood pressure went way up, and I only slept 2 hours over this period of time. A time bomb can be diffused and blood pressure can be lowered(by drinking koolade I think), but catching up on sleep is not easy. You look for little spots during the day to rest; like at lunch, during lectures by the boss, and in extreme cases while driving. I did not fall asleep at the wheel on Monday night, but I thought I was dreaming when a king size bed was about 15 feet in front of me, while driving 70 down the highway. I don't know about you but when I see a mattress in my lane on the highway my first thought is not "I wonder if I could squeeze in an hour of sleep on that." My thought went more like this, "That's a mat... *@#%!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" And I swerved out of the way. Now let me tell you first off what my experience in handling an out of control vehicle is. None, unless you count me watching hours of The Dukes of Hazard. Well as you most likely guessed, this should have caused me to roll over, go under a truck shoot out the back into the oncoming traffic, bounce around 6 more cars, and end up in a lake with a lot of pointy rocks. But I did what any screaming baby does when there brand new car is spinning down the highway, I closed my eyes and prayed. This allowed me to miss everything except the concrete wall, which I slid into like a baseball player. Thing is, I was out. The wall won. The wall retrieved paint samples from the front and rear bumpers, dislodged a important metal part from under my car, and made my nice rim look not nice. The car came away with 13 stiches and a cast on the front driver side tire, and I came out with wide eyes and smelly pants. I do not remember if I shed a tear but that is not important, what is important is that you might when I tell you that this happened on the eve of my 27th birthday, in my new car, that I have yet to make a car payment on. I guess I am just looking for pity. The important thing is that, waiting on the cop to get the crash site I managed to get in about twenty minutes of sleep. Speaking of birthdays, April is a Birthday filled month for the Morris's. There is MINE and a few others. My great older sister, who taught me how to always know what streets are parallel to the street that you are on, her birthday was 2 days before mine. I meant to let her know how much I love her on her Birthday but I was on hour 54 of my X-Box mar-a-thon, so I told her when she called me on mine(sorry). My nephew Ryan turns 7 three days after my birthday. So that is the one the whole family really looks forward too! Anyways. It has been a pretty good birthday so far today, but now I must get some rest. I have to get up early to walk to work to marrow while my car is still in recovery. Until next time.

Used Book Stores and Big News

Well for those of you that have been praying for me to get better, I'm not quite well, and those of you praying for me to stop blogging, I'm over my writers block. No better way to come out of a writing fog then to step foot in a used book store. I don't think I have ever experienced any thing like that before. I think they look for extremely weird people when they hire for the job of used book librarian. The application must include the following questions: "Do you have at least 5 visible tattoos and body pearcings?, Do you get mistaken for the opposite sex?, Do you wear clothes from Goodwill?, Are you pale?" and, "If you answered 'No' to any of the above questions, rip this application up and go to Barnes and Noble." Well, they might not be in that order, but it was quite a culture shock. I have been known to read, mainly when I was 9 and I was reading to get free pizza from Pizza Hut, but I still like to pick up a book every now and then. Like just the other night I picked up a book off my dresser, wiped off the dust, read the title, got all excited, jumped in bed, got cozy, opened it up and fell asleep while reading the "this is dedicated to..." part. So what, I have trouble finishing books. I think I should get paid millions to be a book reviewer, and if I stay awake through the whole book then it has to be great. Anyways, I have to admit, after the initial shock of being in a used book store, with all those used books that have been read by complete strangers, I became sucked into its power. I started grabbing books left and right and looking at them, and being interested! I have looked at books at Borders before and have been interested, but when I looked at the same book here, and saw the $29.99 price marked down to $4.95, all of a sudden the book seemed way more interesting and manageable. When I see a $30.00 book, I am interested till it comes time to buy it and then I tell my self, "You'll never finish it!", and I set it down and run out of the store. But here at the Used Book Megastore, when I saw the $4.95 price I picked it up. And another. And another. And two more. And one last one. I checked out, and my total was $30.00. Yep, I could have just gone to the nice clean shaven voodoo free bookstore and gotten just one book to not read, but now I have SIX! At least they'll make nice coasters. Anyways, enough of that talk on to more important news. I got an e-mail this morning from a company in Boston that finds talented young writers and gives them special assignments around the world to write about. Kind of like a traveling reporter. Actually it is a traveling reporter, not kinda like one. They have offered me a position to travel through Asia and write about what I see. I am very shocked by this offer. So shocked in fact that I decided I would rather mail packages till I'm 44, and so I declined there six figure offer. And of course you all know that I am just playing an April Fools joke on you. They wanted me to travel to Africa not Asia!!!! Until next time.

Writers Block.

Until next time.

Easter and Fevers

Well I hope the growing number of you, or all 7 of you had a great Easter. I did. I spent it with family, which was fun. I am however not having fun right now. I am pretty sure that I am running a pretty high fever because the keys are melting as I type on them, making it harder for me to misspell words. So I have decided to keep this short. Basically I have always had the power to do that. But I will use it now. So just go to this website and waste the time you would have if you were reading a longer blog of mine. Click here and have fun. Until next time.