A Fill in the Blank Bed Time Story. By Boris

As far as my reading has taken me(about ten feet), I have always come up with better characters and main objects in every story I have read. It tends to keep me interested in the story longer. So, why not have a story in which the reader makes up for themselves the main parts of the story.

Once upon a time there lived a magical __________ that lived in the forrest and would pick food from the orchard to feast upon each day. This was magical fruit and the most magical fruit of all was the ________ which when she/he/it(sheit) would eat this fruit sheit would radiate everything that is right in the world. Like happiness, love, ____________ and ____________. Sheit always smelled like roses, would always wear a smile, always sing happy songs, and would skip around instead of walk. Sheit had a pet ___________ that was the most loyal ________________ in the universe. Nothing could made sheit upset except the mean, bad, smelly, ________, vile, no-good monster that always tried to eat sheit named _______________. This evil creature had one job, which was to make sheit ___________________ as often as possible. The mean villain would try every day to stir sheit up in a vat of hot boiling tar, but every day sheit used the magical fruit to ward the evil doer off. All sheit had to do to keep the monster named ___________, at arms length and say _____________________________________________, and the vile creature would run off with teary eyes.
One time not so long ago, sheit got ill and was unable to pick the magical fruit. The mean mean goblin took advantage of sheit in this weakend state, and was able to take sheit to the edge of the black forest where sheit could not reach the magical fruit.
Sheit was in the dumps for sure, missing the lovely fruits and most loyal pet she had ever had. That is when sheit let out a trumpet blast so high pitch that only a pet who's a true friend could hear. Sheit had summoned ____________________. Armed with a basket of magical fruit the _______________ ran and run to the edge of the dark forest where the evil monster kept a firm grip on sheit. Not to be denied the loyal pet summond all the powers of the fruit and leapt 40 feet into the air right into the dungeon, tossing the most magical fruit to sheit.
Seizing the fruit in a quick move thought only to be bestowed upon kings, sheit made a move for the fruit and in one fell swoop __________________________________________________________ until the monster was begging for mercy.
Being merciful sheit decided to befriend the evil monster and share the powerful fruit with the ruthless monster. Once the monster bit into it ______________________________________ and then they _______________________ happily ever after. The end.


Ok, I am going to be honest for the first time in seven days. I should have never started this blog. Much too deep. I thought it would be an easy story, telling a story with no main character or plots. But I think it ended up being even harder then writing medical journals in the third grade. So print it out and fill in the blanks if you want or just roll your eyes like always and finish with your day. Until next time.

A Short Blog for You and Yours

With Thanksgiving behind us it is now time to move past the season of thankfulness and kindness and get into the season of giving(who am I kidding for most it is really the season of "I wants" and "I need.") So in that manner I will share with you some of the things I want and some things that I need.

I want trendy outfits that make me dance better. I need a collar that zaps me with high amounts of voltage when ever I try to dance in public.
I want socks that I can wear five times all day at work and not smell. I need to do laundry more often so I do not need socks like this.
I want to travel to twelve countries this next year. I need to pay off credit cards that allowed me to see zero countries last year.
I want a collection of DVD's that rivals that of blockbuster. I need to return some movies I have had from Blockbusters for over 4 months.
I want shoes that drag me to the gym and make me burn off extra calories. I need shoes that kick my ass when I order a five piece extra crispy chicken meal with extra biscuits with two sides and a super sized Big Red.
I want a cereal named after me. I need cereal to live.
I want a car that can not get in any wrecks until it is paid off. I need a mechanic for my 7 month old Scion Tc.
I want an alarm clock that gently rubs my arm and tells me that I am great and that work is going to be great and that it is time to get up. I need an alarm clock with no snooze button.
I want a kitchen that makes me breakfast in the morning and has it waiting for me when I am done getting ready. I need an alarm clock with no snooze button.
I want to be the President of the United States. I need to be realistic.
I want a girlfriend. I need to be realisti... I mean optimistic.
I want wallpaper to cover my room that are maps of different countries and I want to hang cutouts of my favorite cereal boxes all over the wall too, and maybe even put pennants around the tops of my room. I need a girlfriend.
I want a shirt that irons itself and even washes itself. I need a girl... haha just kidding I need a new shirt.
I want a bed that injects me with sleep serum when I am tired and should be in bed. I need stop writing this blog.
Finally I want a wallet that produces it own money and never runs out of cash. I need a wallet that produces its own money and never runs out of cash.

So go ahead and make your self a list of things that you want and you need. That should get you kick started into having a great holiday season. Until next time.

Text Messages and Time Machines

I hope everybody's Thanksgiving extended weekend was as terrific as mine. I hope all the turkeys were fully cooked and the yams were a safe distance away. I hope each of you were able to take a few minutes to quietly reflect on what you are thankful for. I hope you each got to spend time with family or friends and have a joyous time eating tons of food and then napping on the couch during the Cowboy's game. That is what I love about this time of year family, friends and helping after helping of food. I however take away from this thanksgiving a few new life changing gifts as well. For I finally learned the full capability of sending text messages through a cellular phone and I now understand the intricacies of the possibility of time travel. Each of these though different in spelling are similar in the way they have affected me over this past weekend. I will explain.

I do not know of either of you know me well enough to know this but I am a bit behind the curve on trends. I was 22 when I first got a Game Boy, and the X-box was already out. I just recently realized that flannel shirts, no matter how cool the plaid design were, are not cool anymore. Well at 27 I have been making huge strides toward catching up with the trends. I have now purchased a second trendy shirt(a shirt that looks like a guy dressed himself and was not dressed by his mother) I have a pair of trendy shoes(shoes that hurt your feet but go with your belt and wallet) I even have put a pair a trendy jeans(ones that look as if they are used, faded, torn, or stained yet still have a sky high price tag on them) on my Christmas wish list. So the point is I am make baby steps toward being trendy. But I realized I was still missing something, and before you make jokes and say it is a girlfriend to pick out trendy clothes for me so I don't even have to worry about such things, I know that is also true, but there is something else I realized I was missing out on. I can walk down the street, or mall, or even drive down the road and I see people looking at their cell phone but never talking on it. I see this all the time. At first I assumed they were just on speaker phone, but they were not talking to it and I heard no voices. At my house my roommates phones would ring they would pick it up and look at it, hit a few buttons and then set it back down like there was nothing to it, and repeat the process in a few minutes. That is when it hit me(actually it hit me after I asked about sixty questions about how it worked), these are text messages. I have been missing the boat all these years. I have simply not answered the phone if I did not want to talk, now I can just read a sentence and write back a few words and the conversation is done. It might change my life. I just activated texting on my phone and can now chat on my phone. Now the thing is typing on a phone is not as easy as typing on a computer, it is actually about 100 times harder, especially while walking down the street, or in the mall, or driving in rush hour.

As you know, or might not know unless you have been spying on me, but I enjoy movies slightly more then I enjoy Fruity Pebbles. Another little know fact is that I am mentally disturbed, no I'm not, yes I am, no I'm not. But I do know this, well I am fairly certain about the possibilities of time travel. According to the movie Donnie Darko time travel happens all the time, and it is way more believable then how Quantum Leap or Stargate portrays it. I will give you a quick gist of how it happens. It is mainly in your dreams, and then you live out the future in your dreams, and when God allows it you stay in your dream and carry out mystical missions, until one day you wake up and you are in a cartoon. It gets better if you can believe it. You also have the power to summon all the water and fire in the world and do with as you please, as long as it does not disrupt any of the future, because you will really be living in a Tangent Universe. Hold on this is where it gets good. If all goes well in this Tangent Universe then after 28 days of living in it you will be able to start back at the beginning of the 28 days and this time be in the real universe. And then you wake up and you are not sure if you saved the world or it is just a dream. It all has something to do with geometry. But if you watch Donnie Darko you will understand it all. But for me I am going to send out a few texts before I take a few sleeping pills so that I can maybe save the world while I sleep. Look for me. And hope you had a great Thanksgiving. Until next time.

More Memoirs of a Las Vegan.

Let me start by saying to the three of you that check this. If you have not heard about my trip to Vegas jump down to the next post because that is the start of this tale. What a magical tale it is too. I believe I left off with a promise of pictoral proof of what people look like after a nice extremely filling buffet and a nice Cirque del Soule show. I am talking about a time spent gambling till noon the next day with rides on a roof of the tallest building west of the Grand Canyon. So heres your pictures.
What a view, looing straight down and spinning.

On your marks, Get set, Die!

Toasting a new life together.

Well, probably time for bed.

That is where we were.


Well, I can't say that I have ever gone to bed at 1:00pm before. Well last time I was in Vegas I did. Oh yeah and the time before. Oh yeah and the next night! After sleeping what Doctors describe as a healthy nights sleep we woke up at 9:00pm on Sunday and decided that nothing said I am ready to start a day like another Buffett. Only eating 4/5th the amount I had at the Bellagio Buffet, I was ready for a walk. Thing is, everyone else was ready for a good nights sleep.(after only 2 hours of being up, Unamerican!) I talked Dusty into traveling up the strip with me Where we visted the Wynn Hotel and much more. We walked for what seemed like 4 miles. The only logical thing to do was to pull over on our way home and fill up the ole gas tank before we call it a day. In a way only Vegas allows filling up the gas tank turned into meeting people from Wisconsin and staying up and continueing to fill up all the way until 1000 am on Monday. Getting to the room took a map. Getting to sleep took a second. We have no physical proof of our souvener cups other then what is in these pictures because Dusty thought it would be fun the wake the girls by smacking them on the head with them, breaking them all. Anyways. More pics.
Amazing what you find on a walk in Vegas at night.

Doc's Plastic line up. Then mine.


It is amazing the nice people you can meet on any given night. And then still know them in the morning.

Memoirs of a Las Vegan.

It has been a few weeks since I last blogged. And for good reason. I was in Vegas and then recovering from Vegas. It is a two week process, that I am still not sure I am fully back to normal. But what a trip we had. Nothing like staying up till dawn and sleeping till dusk to get the blood flowing. Nothing like eating cornacopious amounts of food and gallons of beverages to slow the blood flow. Nothing like proposing marriage and riding rides dangling 2000 feet in the air to get the blood back flowing. It is just a great time had by all. I'll attempt to take you on a photo journey here of me and my friends travels to Las Vegas over the Halloween weekend of 2005. Enjoy.

The plane ride was a joyous one. The best part of it I believe, was the fact there was no slot machines or blackjack tables on which to loose our hard earned money. Thanks to some covert ops secret mission impossible stuff we were able to arrive in Vegas with our blood pumping for a good time. The blood even was pumping waiting for our rental mini-van to arrive to us. We had to restrain a few members of the party from a street brawl. But this picture is from the Southwest Flight 815, row 23 seats A-F. The following is our fissured 15 steps in Vegas. The next 4,815,162,342 were each a story of their own.


With a near encounter behind us. It was time to make Dusty and John walk 2 miles with luggage while me and Joel checked us all into the rooms. We had nice rooms that had a connecting door, and only began to smell on the last day we were there. With luggage unpacked and pockets filled with money burning holes our pockets, it was time to do what any group of people arriving in Vegas do: DANCE. And dance we did. By we I mean I danced and danced and danced. Dancing in Vegas is like dancing in a dream. And I have no idea what I mean, but the following is proof that dancing was going on. By the way I believe someone spilled their drink on my shirt is why is looks so wet.


Needless to say we woke up with sore legs, but a fresh mind. It was time to explore the city. Looks way different with natures lights on. We visited downtown(home of the football shaped drinking receptacles) and many other casinos. Here are a few pictures from this journey. None of us are in the photos because dancing all night makes your appearance the next day below par. Check these out.




Sightseeing is done. It is time to get serious about eating. If you want to feel full and I don't mean, "No, I would not care for any more" full. I mean the kind of full where you can not muster up the energy needed to lift the spoon to your mouth for one last bite of dessert full. This is exactly what I went for. Buffets are a good way to do this. The Bellagio Buffet is an even better way to do this. I had four full plates of food and five different desserts. Yummy. I can now say I have eaten Seabass, Sordfish, Roasted Duck, Prime Rib, Beef Wellington, Crab Legs and Veal, all on the same plate! I had to try and shove the last piece of dessert down with no luck. Here is the order in which it was consumed, now I need a napkin.
MAIN COURSE:

DESSERT:

LAST PIECE:

LAST BITE:


I'm full as a tick on a fat dog in the summer. What is the best thing to do when this full? If there was ever a survey on such a thing I imagine the answer would be to relax in the hotel room maybe take a leisurely shower and take in a nice show while the 45 pounds of food finds its way to your stomach and hips. We however too the approach of: run across the street to our hotel, take five second showers, get yelled at by everyone for making them late, almost forget to put on socks, forget to shave(wait shave and make everyone even madder), get all dressed up, run to the mini-van, run stop signs to get to the casino our show is at, sprint to the shows entrance and slide in as the house lights are being lowered. Yes perfect way to let food settle. But seriously, we watched one of the most amazing shows I have every seen called Mystere'. Excellent show that had people doing acrobatics that should only exist in cartoons. Very fun show, very fun time. No better way to remember it then by a picture out side.


The show is over, the stomach is full the bed is calling. But not very loud however because the slots are calling louder and the blackjack tables are screaming. Could it be a loose night on the slots? Would we win it all back on one monster hand of blackjack? Would we stay up all night trying to get yes's out of these first two questions and end up at the Stratosphere, where there would be proposals, and death defying rides? Yes we would and here's a bit of proof. TO BE CONTINUED!!!

What happens in Vegas.... Stays in Vegas?

What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. That is the motto. That is the national creed of Sin City. Why does that phrase seem so inviting? Why does that phrase seem so mischievous? Why does this phrase seem to only work with Las Vegas? It was no accident, it was because no other city claimed the rights to this powerful marketing tool first. That is it. I can't believe I have just figured this out! For years I believed that anything I did or any of my friends did, no matter how crazy and insane, all memory and proof of it ever happening would be kept right there in the city limits. I think the millions of people that visit Vegas each year with their bag of quarters, rent check, and mistress all assume the same thing that I did. Let the city take full control of all reason and common sense and when you board the plane to leave, it is handed back to you. I thought this happened on my last five visits to the City of Sidewalk Porn Distributors, and over the past 6 years here in San Antonio I believed that we actually went to bed before 1:00 a.m. each night, we showed restraint on the black jack table (never positioning ourselves between two black fur wearing hookers), we limited ourselves to two adult beverages an evening never consumer more then we should and we ate only a healthy amount of food. But that is when it clicked. Wait a minute... We have proof that all of this did not happen in this manor. How can something really stay in Vegas after cameras, cell phones, video cameras and gossip were innvented. Nothing can stay there. So, I will have a new mind set this trip to Vegas, with 8 of my closest and dearest friends ever, "What Happens in Vegas No Matter How Embarrassing Humiliating and Wrong will Surely Find its Way to San Antontio and my Mom" So I am going to take it easy this trip. Maybe get up early and do a little jog, then grab breakfast, followed by a nice stroll up and down the strip then a nice buffet for lunch followed by a nice nap. Take in some sun by the heated pool next and then get showered for an evening show and dinner. Next maybe spend 20 minutes and a ten dollar bill on a slot machine, lauph about how quick it went, get a mixed drink and head up to the room, look at the lights of the town from my window and then get to sleep after watching a little T.V., all by 12:30. Follow this same pattern for the next two days. I think if I stick this plan of attack, then for sure, what ever happens in Vegas will stay there. I am sure the following pattern is one that would find it's way out of the Sin City before even the body leaves the city. Arrive blow a twenty at the airport on a slot machine, blow another twenty while waiting on friends to check in, have two mixed drinks. Waste another twenty while waiting for friends to meet you in the lobby, consume 4 more mixed drinks, blow another twenty, and another and another, create drama, have five more mixed drinks and two footballs, dance all over other peoples girlfriends for 4 hours, blow another twenty after being kicked out of the club, waste 4 mixed drinks by leaving them in the bathroom stall, blow another twenty with one bet of black jack, find ATM, get denied, find wrong room twice then right room fall asleep as room service is knocking on door to see if you need clean towels at 10:00 a.m.. Repeat for two more days. Absolutely, this behavior would find it's way out of Vegas. So and I am speaking for everyone of the nine traveling to Vegas. I think we might leave our cameras here this time! Just so that there is no proof one pattern or the other. In fact here as some pictures that have found their way out! Notice none of me. No one wanted to take a picture of me calmly losing money. Only 5 days until we blow our first twenty. I can't wait. Until next time.

The Speed of Sound and Other Things...

Ok, Let me start of with this. I am in a hurry this evening, so I might not have a very good blog. I realise I am assuming that I always have good blogs, for me to say that this one might be so different from the other ones that I would have to preface it with an appology. But I have so many destractions in my life right now, non of which being controled by a girlfirend(sorry mom and dad). I am trying to successfully juggle Astros's playoff baseball(they won tonight), T.V. Shows(I watched Amazing Race and Lost last night), DVD's (I watched an entire season of The Office Just earlier), working out(I am almost comfortable wearing my shirts with the top button undone now), and vegas trip planning(I am traveling to Las Vegas in 14 days with three friends and some other people I don't like.) So, needless to say I am a little over taxed with tasks, all of which keep fighting to take top priority. In fact DVD's, TV, and Sports just did an amazing leap and all at once jumped in front of working out over the past few days. But enouph with the apologies. Lets get on with the blog, because like I said, I am in a hurry.

I watched the Discovery Channel sometime in April and I vaguely remember that they talked about how sound actually had a speed. I didn't much pay attention at the time so all my facts might not be acurate but this afternoon at work I started to think back on that show. I was trying to remember exactly how fact the speed of sound was. I am not bragging but to be able to run the 800 meter dash in just over 2 minutes like I did in high school is fast, but it seems that the scientists on the show where saying that sound was much faster then that. I am not positive because I had the T.V. on mute half the time, but I remember them showing a jet over and over. So I am going to suggest that the sound of speed is slightly slower then that of a speeding jet. But again I can't be sure because, I did turn the program to Montel Williams after like five minutes. So, on to other stuff....

Untill next time. (Sorry about the crappy blog)

Has he LOST it or what?

Ok, I am going to write an entire blog about a television show that one of my roommates would trade his religion in rather then miss one second of the show. The show is Lost. He has way overhyped this show to his family, friends, coworkers, bartenders, dentist, pastor, and basically anyone that has been within 12 feet of him for over 30 seconds. He basically only talks about this show. "There is no better show on t.v.!" "It is the best single thing on earth!" and "It comes in as a close second behind the life of Christ, as the single greatest event in the history of the universe!" "Ahhhhhhhhh" are all sentences you hear him say every 108 minutes. This "astonishing, awe-inspiring and awesome" show has been on for a year now, on Wednesdays at 8:00 on ABC. My rooomate has even stopped calling Wednesday by it name, calling it "LOST night!!!!" now. For most of the past year he spear-headed a movement to try and force people to watch the show with him, and enjoy it in his way(which is with every breath he takes). He succeeded with a few of my friends over the past year and now they do nothing but talk about plot developments, story lines, and cliff hanger endings to episodes; never talking about normal things like sports, women and cereals, only Lost. Well, then summer came and heavens for bid, Lost was in between seasons, and you would think that this would mean Wednesdays would be back to normal. That would be a wrong assumption. The talking continued, the hyping continued, the cornering and beating up of non-Lost lovers continued. It got to the point one night, and alcohol was not involved most likely, that my roommate was literally in tears because season two of Lost was only one week away. He was emotional over the fact that every single human on earth has not seen this "moving, overwhelming, spine-tingling, stunning, thrilling" show yet. I think he was almost going crazy from not getting to see a new episode for over 3 months. He kept saying all these numbers over and over... 4 8 15 16 23 42. He screamed out in his sleep one night "what is in the hatch!!!!" so loudly that it woke even the niebors. I think what bothered him the most was the fact that his roommates had yet to watch his "godlike" show and hence our lives were in danger. He had me wondering "has he had lost it or what?" Knowing that he had, I still made a decision that I am still not sure was or was not a good one. I broke down and watched the whole first season on DVD. Mind you I decided to do this 5 days before the new season was starting. And that is when it began. All these strange things. Not as strange as a man being blown up by a stick of 400 year old dynamite, but strange things were happining. I started watching episodes at all hours and everywhere I could. I could not get enouph of this new show. I would watch it on my computer, I would watch it in any free fifteen minutes i had before work leaving for work, I even borrowed a portable DVD player and watched it while driving to work. I watched 24 one-hour episodes in a 4 day span, all while working, working out, sleeping and eating cereal. I started talking solely about this cool show and I started cornering people and asking them if they had seen this Lost show. I would ask customers at work what they thought of Kate's flashback, Locke walking again, and Hurley's jokes. It was happening to me. I was becoming a full-fledge fan of a t.v. show. I was starting to hold it up as "one of the best shows on t.v." Was this really happening? So, the season two started and more sings of my new obsession started appearing. I actually raced home one night, ignoring speed limits and traffic lights, so that I could be there for the very first minute of the first episode of season two. I was fully hooked now. The second episode came a week later, and right after it was over I rushed to my computer and spent 3 straight hours consulting with other Lost cult members, on a lost messege board(something a huge dork invented to allow other dorks to spread rumors, gossip, ideas, quotes, and talk about Lost). I was trying to make since of what the heck Dharma is? What was that swan? Why was a shark tattooed? Why is Locke so weird? Why was I doing this? And then another week passed and I watched every second of the third episode ever so intently and that was just 2 hours ago. I never blinked once the entire show. And now the final weird thing has just happened... I sprinted into my room, sat down at the computer and told my four readers all about how crazy I am about this Lost show. And I am feeling wierd all over. GO AND RENT THE FIRST SEASON! WATCH THIS SHOW! IT IS AWESOME! YOUR LIFE MAY BE IN DANGER IF YOU DON'T!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Now I am sure your asking yourselves, "Has he LOST it or what?" Until next time.

Working Out or Pigging Out?

First, I need to apologize, mainly to myself, (because I fear I am the only one that has missed my blogs)for my lack of posts over the past few months. My excuse: Fall is in the air, Football is in full swing, Baseball playoffs are starting, Basketball is three weeks away, and Kohl's Big Two Day sale is this weekend. This all means that there is no better time to start back up writing blogs. I have taken the Kohl's approach lately and have started up writing blogs again about as often as they have a Huge Two Day Sale(once or twice a month). In all honesty, I have been busy over this three month period where blogs were few and far between. The main reason is I have started a vigorous workout. One that involves more then treading water and holding a beer above water while tubing down the river. Nope, this is a full fledge work out, dumbbells and all. Although that is a funny name for a workout devise, I cannot think of one thing to say that would explain why they are named that, other then they were obviously named after an Aggie. Anyways, I am so into this working out that I have even broke down and joined the Supplement Club.(The First Rule of Supplement Club is to not talk about Supplement Club. The Second Rule of Supplement Club is find a way to talk about it without really talking about it.) So I can't tell you which ones I inject into my blood, but I can tell you about the decision making process that led to getting them. I went to a Nutritional Store(always a good first step), and asked the guy working, "What do I need to do to grow as big a Mark McGuire, when he hit all those home runs?" He told me that everything to get that big is now illegal, but I could buy everything he says and be almost as big as Mark. So I thought for a second and asked, "How do I get as big as Kristie Alley?" And he said to eat everything in sight. And that is when I had to decide.... Did I want to be almost as big as Mark McGuire and take supplements, vitamins, meal replacements, fish oils, muscle enhancers and cucumber shakes, giving the guy at the Nutritional Store a healthy commission; or I could use all that money and eat at CiCi's Pizza every meal and get as big as Kristie Alley. Don't get me wrong it was not that hard of a decision, but I do love that Pizza from CiCi's and I love to pig out. Eating is fun, it always makes me feel good, it tastes good, smells good, looks good, and even sounds good cooking. So why not devote my life to eating everything I can get my hands on? Well, back to the main question. Should I work out or pig out? And I chose work out. And that is exactly what I have been doing. Not to brag or anything but I could probably dead lift Kristie Alley and not even need a spotter. However, it was this decision to start working out that has invaded on my Blogging hobby. OK, this is not a promise, but a very strong suggestion; "I will be blogging more in the future." I will try and keep you informed on when I am big enouph to play in the Major Leagues illegally and then lie about it. Hopefully it will be in the near future, because CiCi's is always just a short drive away. So, from now on remember, when you see someone that is having trouble getting out of their chair and are grabbing their stomach in pain, ask yourself, "Are they recovering from a work out or a pig out?" Until next time.

A Top Ten List

Top Ten comedies that I own on DVD.
10. Me, Myself and Irene - Gotta love shock bathroom humor.
9. Tommy Boy - "Fat guy in little coat" and "room service..." enouph said.
8. Airplane - By far the funniest movie set in an airplane.
7. Office Space - "Oh Oh Oh." Did you get the memo?
6. Vacation - "If we park in the last spot, we'll be the first to leave." Good ole Clark. (I will lump in the other Vacation movies here too.)
5. Rat Race - absolutely great. Would be number one but no one would agree.
4. Napoleon Dynamite - "Gosh, are you trying to ruin my life."
3. Meet the Parents - Part of why I am still single. Fear that that is what it is really like.
2. Three Amigo - Nothing better then Lucky Day, Dusty Bottoms and Ned Nederlander saving the day. Plus kisses on the veranda are always nice.
1. Dumb and Dumber - Maybe even the best drama as well.

Keep in mind that these are DVD's that I own. I imagine there could be funnier movies but I doubt it. Wait Space Balls would be up there. So would Van Helsing, because that movie was a joke. Anyways. Back to the J-O-B. Until next time.

Vacations & Football Season

Life can now offically move on for the both of you that still check each day to see if I wrote something. Because the wait is over. The hiatus has passed. The vacation is over. It is back to getting serious about keeping my blog current with the latest news and notes from my life. Well for the latest on me you will have to call me. I am extremely tired at the moment and absolutly nothing is entering my head at this moment except very dry and humorless jokes. I would like make this blog a site that would only have exceptional jokes. So for give me for keeing it short, but maybe I will add some photos from my travels to Key West, Miami Beach and New Orleans. Infact I will work on that now. I will talk about football and how great this season is going to be in both the collegate and professional levels. Ok Pics. Until next time.

Imitators and Keys

First off, I want to let every one know that I am not in San Antonio as I am writing this. I am in a place that would make every one except Jess jealous. I am in Key West. It is further south then any other place in the USA that you can get to with a car and dance moves. It is important to travel to this destination with dance moves. It is filled with establishments that cater to dancing and serving beverages that encourage dancing. But there is nothing wrong with this if your are semi-young semi-greyhaired and single like me. For there is nothing holding you back from dancing with future hot wives, except..... not doing it. It makes you(or me in this case) feel terrible when you do not take advantage of the opportunity of sweet innocent Baptist girls walking down the street with no parent supervision for the first time since last week. But seriously. I am not married like my travel mate so it is hard to pick up the opposite sex without explaining a 7 hour story of his relationship. Anyways, just to remind you, I am in Key West as I type right now. It is nice. It is a great place to people watch. It is fun to watch how certain situations work out between a guy that does not belong in Florida, let alone the Keys, and some girls that not only belong in the Keys but probably even in a V.S. catalog. His persistence was noteworthy but is inability to take a strong no, led to his demise. You see this guy was an imitators, trying to imitate someone that gets women. His only tools were pick up lines he read off gum wrappers and seven alligator Bombs. (basically a drink that Doctors would prescibe to a patient before open heart surgery as an form of knock out drug, but served in the Keys for only 7.00 bucks) Anyways, with everything going wrongly for him, he takes one last approach at imitating a successful ladies man, when a guy roughly the size of Shaquill O'Neal came buy yelled at him, slammed his face into the table(shattering his big coke bottle glasses into his retina), completely tore his left arm off(the one he kept touching the model with), and then used the torn off arm to beat the guy. It was really quite a site. The imitators was thrown out onto the street where he, and this is unbelievable, got right back up walk into the bar(holding his left arm in his right hand), walked right up to the bar and asked for is tab. Well those are just the sureal things that you see in Key West on any given night.

Let me catch you up on what is going on in my life. I know it has been a month or more since I wrote on this. I have been busy, I will give you the short version(one sentence version, so pay attention.) I quit my job of four years, planned on going to Thailand to teach, Thailand fell through, I locked my self in doors for a week, then applied for jobs, I played three seasons of Collage football on PS2, I had many long nights on weekdays, I went back to my old job to help out, I decided to go back full time to old job, but not until I went on a trip, and then I traveled by new Scion to the Florida Keys. That is it in a nut shell. Hopefully I will keep this updated more often now that I will have a set schedule again. Not working for 4 weeks turns your weekdays to weekends and your weekends in to just one long day. But starting Monday I get back to the grind.

Let me make this even longer and tell you about our trip. We left Saturday at 1:00 in the afternoon, and made it to Tallahassee Florida by 2:00 that night. If you don't have a calculator and a map and a Calculus book handy I will save you time and let you know that it was pretty quick. I drove every hour of it too. Not because Jay wouldn't but because I was in a zone. Anyways, we went by Florida State University that next morning and snuck into yet another stadium and got some pics with Bobby Bowden. Then we took a nice drive through pouring rain to Miami Beach. Jason drove this entire drive while I lauphed. We had a nice time there and then we drove to Key Largo(like the Beach Boys song), and had a great Scuba dive day. Saw sharks and eels. Very nice. More about the trip later. Sorry for bad grammar. Wrote half last night. Until next time.

NBA CHAMPS! and Chest Hair.

Did you know that there is only three circumstances in which it is OK for a grown man in his mid to upper 20's to shed tears? First, and most importantly it is when the team that he sweats blood for, wins a Championship. More specifically it is when my San Antonio Spurs win the NBA Championship while I am sitting at the game, yelling until my ribs crack. As you can see in the picture I so cleverly placed in my blog(not exactly how I thought they would show up), I attended the Championship clinching game with my boss, his wife and some guy that said his name was "Doc Spice." The confetti is still streaming down behind us and beverages are still floating inside of us. It was a beautiful night, that ended up with a 4 hour parking jam and jumps off of highways. I know you might be thinking that the tears shed in a moment like this are tears of joy and not real tears. That is where you are wrong and I am right. Tears are Tears. Anyways, another time it is OK to let tears swell up in your eyes is if you decide to ride a ridiculous roller coaster when it is below fifty degrees out side. Much like this superman ride in Dallas. It packs a mean punch but at least you don't have to wear super hero tights. Again, you might complain that these tears are not formed by human effort but by human genetics. And again, you would be wrong and I am right. Tears are Tears. The final reason it is fine to let go of some tears is if you are watching a movie about two cripples who beat life's odds and make a good life for themselves. Now that is definitely a cause for Kleenex. Rory O'Shea Was Here is a excellent movie. I didn't cry but it is OK for anyone to cry during it and for weeks after.... excuse me a second.... sorry... just got something in my eye. Not only was this movie very moving but it was very funny as well. Same director as About A Boy. If you watch it and are not moved by it I will not only not believe you, but I will send you tickets to see Yanni next time he is in town. Ok, I am going on and on about this movie, but it is because I have nothing else to write about, which is probably why you are wondering to yourself, "When is he going to talk about chest hair, his title was 'NBA CHAMPS! and Chest Hair?'" To answer your question I just did. Until next time.

Please Pray for Free Throws

Well, I not only will I not make it to my 70th birthday, but now my 60th birthday is in jeopardy after the Spurs, led by their supreme power forward Tim Duncan, clanked their way to a game seven in the NBA finals. Me and 200,000 other silver and black blooded fans packed into every bar, restaurant and closet in downtown to view what was sure to be the Spurs finest moment. A third Championship in 7 years. I viewed the game at the famous Menger Hotel in the lobby bar. Seventy-five of us shared a hand held television to watch in agony as the Spurs decided that they do not like their fans and lost in a most disturbing way. They turned the ball over and missed free throws. Lets dissect each of these to further explain. A turnover is when the Spurs have the ball and are trying to score baskets and in stead of easily tossing the ball into the orange rim, they tap one of the Detroit players on the arm, getting there attention, and then place the ball in their hands, and say, "here you go, you take it, we don't like our fans." Well to be honest it might not be in English considering each the Spurs players have mailing addresses in different countries. A turnover is the second worst thing you can do in a game. It is unfortunately the Spurs second best ability. Their first and greatest crappy accomplishment is missing free throws. Being born with a brain and 10 toes immediately qualifies each of us to know without being taught what the definition of FREE is. "Getting something that cost you nothing, and makes you happy nine times out of ten." The Spurs get FREE throws regularly, but missed the memo I guess that said you are supposed to make them, because they are FREE. When a restaurant has FREE food night, the place is packed with people taking advantage of FREE food. Tim Duncan missing these FREE throws has caused me to do something drastic, I BLAME HIM, and him alone if the Spurs do not take the championship belt away from Rasheed Wallace(the guy with the weird gum spot on the back of his head.) It has caused me to take other drastic steps as well. I have been using some prayers to try and help Duncan's FREE throw problem. I only have a limited amount of prayers I offer a day so I had to cut out a few people I pray for. Mainly just the terminally ill. I figure those are high priority prayers, and if I use some of those for Timmy then maybe he will make some FREE throws. Well, it is getting late and I have about 45 minutes of proof reading to go so I will end this now. Every one stop what you are doing, fold your hands together, close your eyes and repeat after me, "Dear Lord," your turn
"please drop a bag of a million dollars in Kevin's lap. Thank you!" your turn Until next time.

All Personalities on Hold.

We(me and the other personalities) had a group discussion and decided letting you three in on the next personality could wait. I mean you have already waited two weeks! So, what I needed to discuss was the big news of a certain Big Shot. "Big Shot Bob" to be exact. The San Antonio Spurs secret weapon. Well, he is a secret to women soccer fans, The Ellen Show viewers and Howard Dean voters. Because, if you have ever turned on the NBA playoffs in May-June then you have seen the weapon I am talking about. Robert Horry. He has been one of the most clutch performers in the history of the NBA. He has hit Big Shots with the Houston Rockets, and The Evil Empire(read: Lakers) and now my San Antonio Spurs. I say "my" because I have invested my health to their well being. When they lose, I lose weeks off my life. When they win, I lose weeks off my life. The Spurs have a knack at making there games appear as a loss for 99.9% of the game. Then they throw "Big Shot Rob" out there to take care of the last .01%. This is no way to view a Spurs game. But it is also a good way to make sure you will see the game for years to come, making their games what sports nuts call "Instant Classics." The Spurs played in this fashion last night and now I will not make it to my 70th birthday. "Big Shot Bob" made 21 of the Spurs last 34 points giving him him the title of "Legend of the Game." Not to change gears, but I have to do a little bragging of my own. I have a job in witch famous people visit me never. Mainly because I don't work in L.A., but also because I make less then Sonic skate girls. But that is not the point. The point is I am close to being re-nick-named "Big Shot Borris." For I sent a emergency overnight package to New York for non other then the most tan Desperate Housewife. I am sure it is illegal to use her name on here. But she is now Tony Parker's biggest fan on the court, she is my most famous customer off the court. I think I am her favorite mail stud. I'm sure she liked the fact that I stood there unable to talk, and I just mailed her package and even fronted her a dime. So, now maybe I have an in in Hollywood. But lets get back to reality. I will not be blogging tomorrow night because I will be downtown running the streets with 200,000 other ecstatic Spurs fans, when they close out the 2005 Playoffs with a victory. Hopefully. Until then!

The Five Personalities of Kevin - Part 3

I struggle with sharing so much about my self, with how easy identity theft is these days. So I will not be sharing any credit card numbers or checking routing numbers. But I will let you in on a second figment of my imagination. He is someone I should contact more when I try and spell with my own personality. He is my oldest personality, and he laughs that I have as much grey hair as he does. I remind him that the are wisdom streaks. Truth is, it is in his case. So, here is my brainiac personality.

3. He is a professor. He reads almost 18 hours a day, and has bad eyesight from reading in an insufficiently lit room. He went to school to learn not party. He loves English. I made him up because I am English illiterate. He got a Masters in English, and knows every word in the dictionary, the meaning and origin or the word as well. He was runner up twice at the Scripps Spelling Bee as a child and has never really let go of the pain of defeat. We other personalities here him mumble the spelling of the word, appoggiatura, over and over, emphasizing that there are two "g's" and not one. He is basically a dork, a book nerd have you. But he comes in handy almost never. He does read out loud sometimes putting the rest of us to sleep, but he has occationaly read something interesting. However, we still laugh at him. Since he is the oldest, like I said before, we do respect him enough to not kick him out as a personality, and have even used his elderly wisdom to settle spats between the personalities. I let him think he settled some fights because I know it would crush him to know that it is really me who starts and ends all scuffles. If you want to see a picture of him and see a bit more of his boring credentials, click here. Now I have to go get in bed, I think he is going to finish To Kill A Mockingbird, tonight and I have run out of sleeping pills. Until next personality.

The Five Personalities of Kevin - Part 2

Since I promised to let you in on my conversation fabrications, I will let you know about my talented left brained personality.

2. He is a singer. He tends to wear pants that are too tight and wares a ridiculous hat. A cowboy hat to be specific. He has written songs entitled "If Whiskey Were A Woman I'd Be Married For Sure," "My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field While Your Dear John Was Breakin' My Heart," and "Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed." Me and the other personalities make fun of his songs. He plays guitar but only knows 3 notes, so all his songs are a bit repetitious. He likes to ride horses and he likes his women to have the ability to spit watermelon seeds over 30 feet. He wears boots made out of snakes and constantly taps his left foot on the ground. He tends to be the dorkiest of my personalities. He tries to dance the two step and the half step, but only ends up doing a one and a half. He tries though. He gets girls for the sole reason of being up on a stage with a guitar and singing. It is just that the girls he usually gets have mullets and are stronger then him. This personality lives up in the Wyoming area but travels around the middle northern central four states promoting his CD by playing concerts at county fairs and nursing homes. He borrowed some money from one of the more successful personalities but he did start up a web site where you all can check in on his progress. You can even buy a shirt. So instead of sending five dollars to my fan club, you can pay 22 bucks for a shirt of my country singer personality. Well I got to get back to listening to one of his more racy titles, "I Can't Fly My Kite No More Cause My Wife Won't Give Me Any Tail." Check out his web site here and join the fan club. Until next personality.

The Five Personalities of Kevin - Part 1

Since it is not fair to say that my blog page is an international success, I will pretend it is and I will share with you all a bit more about myself. When I have talked to myself, which I do often, I found I got bored just talking to myself. To remedy this I created 4 other personalities. Now I can carry on several conversations with myself and never get bored. I will start with my own personality and then delve into the four I have created for myself, to keep me company, over the next few blogs.

1. I am a regular guy. Soon to be extremely muscular and rich. I tend to exaggerate when ever I think people will believe me. I like banana pudding and lunchables. I work at a mail center where I help people all day with a smile and sore feet. I enjoy movies, and try to watch one each night. I write a blog to pass the time and work on my English. I can juggle but can't use a hula hoop. I like to read books, but don't like to read the end of them. I like to make up the ending and I find that if I finnish the book it is never as exciting as what I had already made up. I play many sports and am great at them all in my mind, my body is seldom as good as my mind thinks it is. I prefer Adidas over Nike, mainly because of price. I collect shot glasses, and have over 200 of them. There is a story behind each one of them, non involving alcohol. I tend to exaggerate when I think people will believe me. I know very little about electronics except that they are expensive and filled with wires. It has been covered that I have little fashion sense. But I have little fashion sense. I like to travel. I have traveled in over 32 states. I have swam in 3 or the 4 major oceans. I have visited five continents. I have coke cans in three different languages. I am a big fan of the Amazing Race. I can be ready for work in 11 minutes if I have too. I like to order Chimichangas at Mexican restaurants and rate them on a 1-5 scale. I have had eight cavities on one visit to the dentist. I'm versatile, creative and right handed. I make things up almost never. Until next personality.

It's Spreading! (no, not my rash)

I am still out of my funk, but I have a bunch going on right now. Unlike some of my friends that are still in school, I have no tests to study for or no papers due tomorrow. What I do have, is a rare medical condition. I have had symptoms for the few weeks. They are slightly high temperatures, sleeplessness, irritation of the phyche, and disscolored blood. What I have is widely common thoughout the USA and the Globe for that matter. I have a strand that is more concentrated in southern Texas, though traces are being seen all around the world, like Argentina, France, Slavanina, and Krystucxhgystgzan. I believe the origin of this medical condition was found in the Virgin Islands and transferred to Wake Forrest where it stayed stagnate for four years. It has been in the San Antonio and surrounding area for much of the past 7 years now. I caught it early in 1999 and have been battling it off an on. I feel the symptoms the strongest from late April until early June. We are smack dab in the middle of this season. I am of course talking about Spurs Fever, caused by silver and black running through the veins. With the Spurs just 6 victories away from taking home their 3rd Championship trophy in 6 years I believe I have it worse then ever. This has caused me to be a little lackadaisical when it comes to keeping my 6 friends entertained. I think I would make more blogs if I made 10 million a year, like Tim Duncan. Ok, I would probably pay Dave Barry to write them for me, then I would pay thousands of people to read it. But what I have is 6 people reading my no pay blog. Anyways, I am starting to ramble. Lets keep focused this next two and a half weeks. The Spurs come first then, getting big at the gym, then sleep, then blogs. Now I need to go take some medicine for this fever. Go Spurs Go, Untill next time.

The Funk, The Force and the Wardrobe

Can I start off by saying that I have been in a funk lately? Of course I can, first off, this is my blog and second, it has been obvious I have been in a funk lately. I have not had many entries lately, and the only reason I have found(and I looked for like an hour)is that I have been in a funk. A good old fashion funk. If you do not know what a funk is I will save you a trip to the phone book. It is when your motivation to do something dips below a 3 on the 1-10 motivation scale, founded by Hulk Hogan I think. I was at 1 for about a month. A further definition of funk is when you can find excuses to not do something you should, and usually these excuses are terrible. I found that doing absolutely nothing was easier then working on a blog entry. I would read newspapers that were weeks old, label all my underwear and socks, and organize all my past due bills, anything to keep from blogging. I did not think I could ever write a blog again. This nasty funk was unfortunately spread from another area, that being my workout routine. I had discovered it is way easier to not work out and lay in bed until 30 minutes before I should be at work, then to wake up early work out and be sore for weeks. I think this is where my blogless funk started. If my funk would only spread to my eating habits I would be skinny. Anyway, I am happy to announce, and I hesitate announcing this, but I have officially lost my funk. Actually it is probably hiding in my reading habits, but I will let it hang out there for a while. This way I can blog more and become insainly muscular(hot).

Did every one know what happens on this Thursday morning at 12:01 in the a.m.? It is simply a large gathering of dorks, but I like to disguise that definition with Star Wars Anonymous. People have had their tickets under lock and key over the past two weeks, and have polished there Darth Masks to wear to the opening of the newest installment of Star Wars. All you ladies should take note, that every movie theater will have a huge number of single men. Probably the largest gathering of singles since the last Star Wars movie came out, or the last Star Trek convention(but I guess they are one in the same). Anyways, who would go to a movie at midnight, knowing they have to be up the following morning at 7:00 am to work? Foolish. I guess the same kind of person that has tried to use the Force to retrieve the remote control from the other side of the room.

Does anyone of you 6 think that their closet is full of a wide variety of clothes? What an impossible task. Keeping up with trends, keeping up with brands, and keeping up a savings account while keeping up with the others. I made A's B's and an ocational C in school but I have a F in the wardrobe department. I have my closet divided into two parts. Extremely stained and less noticable stained. In each of those groups I have sub groups. Flowered and t-shirts. I have one shirt that the others in the closet have made stand alone by itself. That would be my lone trendy shirt. I am known, when I go out, as the guy in the flowered shirt or the same trendy shirt guy. My jeans are all the same color. I have one pair that looked ruined when I bought them, with all sorts of bleach lines in them, they are my lone trendy pair. I won't talk about my shoe situation, because I'd like to keep some dignity. I do have my name in all my underwear and socks though. Anyways, I guess I just need help in the department of shopping. I have allowed the Funk to live comfortably in my shopping habits, since birth. But, it has allowed me to have enough money to buy Darth Vader helmets. COOL, moved the remote with the Force I did! Until next time.