NBA CHAMPS! and Chest Hair.

Did you know that there is only three circumstances in which it is OK for a grown man in his mid to upper 20's to shed tears? First, and most importantly it is when the team that he sweats blood for, wins a Championship. More specifically it is when my San Antonio Spurs win the NBA Championship while I am sitting at the game, yelling until my ribs crack. As you can see in the picture I so cleverly placed in my blog(not exactly how I thought they would show up), I attended the Championship clinching game with my boss, his wife and some guy that said his name was "Doc Spice." The confetti is still streaming down behind us and beverages are still floating inside of us. It was a beautiful night, that ended up with a 4 hour parking jam and jumps off of highways. I know you might be thinking that the tears shed in a moment like this are tears of joy and not real tears. That is where you are wrong and I am right. Tears are Tears. Anyways, another time it is OK to let tears swell up in your eyes is if you decide to ride a ridiculous roller coaster when it is below fifty degrees out side. Much like this superman ride in Dallas. It packs a mean punch but at least you don't have to wear super hero tights. Again, you might complain that these tears are not formed by human effort but by human genetics. And again, you would be wrong and I am right. Tears are Tears. The final reason it is fine to let go of some tears is if you are watching a movie about two cripples who beat life's odds and make a good life for themselves. Now that is definitely a cause for Kleenex. Rory O'Shea Was Here is a excellent movie. I didn't cry but it is OK for anyone to cry during it and for weeks after.... excuse me a second.... sorry... just got something in my eye. Not only was this movie very moving but it was very funny as well. Same director as About A Boy. If you watch it and are not moved by it I will not only not believe you, but I will send you tickets to see Yanni next time he is in town. Ok, I am going on and on about this movie, but it is because I have nothing else to write about, which is probably why you are wondering to yourself, "When is he going to talk about chest hair, his title was 'NBA CHAMPS! and Chest Hair?'" To answer your question I just did. Until next time.

Please Pray for Free Throws

Well, I not only will I not make it to my 70th birthday, but now my 60th birthday is in jeopardy after the Spurs, led by their supreme power forward Tim Duncan, clanked their way to a game seven in the NBA finals. Me and 200,000 other silver and black blooded fans packed into every bar, restaurant and closet in downtown to view what was sure to be the Spurs finest moment. A third Championship in 7 years. I viewed the game at the famous Menger Hotel in the lobby bar. Seventy-five of us shared a hand held television to watch in agony as the Spurs decided that they do not like their fans and lost in a most disturbing way. They turned the ball over and missed free throws. Lets dissect each of these to further explain. A turnover is when the Spurs have the ball and are trying to score baskets and in stead of easily tossing the ball into the orange rim, they tap one of the Detroit players on the arm, getting there attention, and then place the ball in their hands, and say, "here you go, you take it, we don't like our fans." Well to be honest it might not be in English considering each the Spurs players have mailing addresses in different countries. A turnover is the second worst thing you can do in a game. It is unfortunately the Spurs second best ability. Their first and greatest crappy accomplishment is missing free throws. Being born with a brain and 10 toes immediately qualifies each of us to know without being taught what the definition of FREE is. "Getting something that cost you nothing, and makes you happy nine times out of ten." The Spurs get FREE throws regularly, but missed the memo I guess that said you are supposed to make them, because they are FREE. When a restaurant has FREE food night, the place is packed with people taking advantage of FREE food. Tim Duncan missing these FREE throws has caused me to do something drastic, I BLAME HIM, and him alone if the Spurs do not take the championship belt away from Rasheed Wallace(the guy with the weird gum spot on the back of his head.) It has caused me to take other drastic steps as well. I have been using some prayers to try and help Duncan's FREE throw problem. I only have a limited amount of prayers I offer a day so I had to cut out a few people I pray for. Mainly just the terminally ill. I figure those are high priority prayers, and if I use some of those for Timmy then maybe he will make some FREE throws. Well, it is getting late and I have about 45 minutes of proof reading to go so I will end this now. Every one stop what you are doing, fold your hands together, close your eyes and repeat after me, "Dear Lord," your turn
"please drop a bag of a million dollars in Kevin's lap. Thank you!" your turn Until next time.

All Personalities on Hold.

We(me and the other personalities) had a group discussion and decided letting you three in on the next personality could wait. I mean you have already waited two weeks! So, what I needed to discuss was the big news of a certain Big Shot. "Big Shot Bob" to be exact. The San Antonio Spurs secret weapon. Well, he is a secret to women soccer fans, The Ellen Show viewers and Howard Dean voters. Because, if you have ever turned on the NBA playoffs in May-June then you have seen the weapon I am talking about. Robert Horry. He has been one of the most clutch performers in the history of the NBA. He has hit Big Shots with the Houston Rockets, and The Evil Empire(read: Lakers) and now my San Antonio Spurs. I say "my" because I have invested my health to their well being. When they lose, I lose weeks off my life. When they win, I lose weeks off my life. The Spurs have a knack at making there games appear as a loss for 99.9% of the game. Then they throw "Big Shot Rob" out there to take care of the last .01%. This is no way to view a Spurs game. But it is also a good way to make sure you will see the game for years to come, making their games what sports nuts call "Instant Classics." The Spurs played in this fashion last night and now I will not make it to my 70th birthday. "Big Shot Bob" made 21 of the Spurs last 34 points giving him him the title of "Legend of the Game." Not to change gears, but I have to do a little bragging of my own. I have a job in witch famous people visit me never. Mainly because I don't work in L.A., but also because I make less then Sonic skate girls. But that is not the point. The point is I am close to being re-nick-named "Big Shot Borris." For I sent a emergency overnight package to New York for non other then the most tan Desperate Housewife. I am sure it is illegal to use her name on here. But she is now Tony Parker's biggest fan on the court, she is my most famous customer off the court. I think I am her favorite mail stud. I'm sure she liked the fact that I stood there unable to talk, and I just mailed her package and even fronted her a dime. So, now maybe I have an in in Hollywood. But lets get back to reality. I will not be blogging tomorrow night because I will be downtown running the streets with 200,000 other ecstatic Spurs fans, when they close out the 2005 Playoffs with a victory. Hopefully. Until then!

The Five Personalities of Kevin - Part 3

I struggle with sharing so much about my self, with how easy identity theft is these days. So I will not be sharing any credit card numbers or checking routing numbers. But I will let you in on a second figment of my imagination. He is someone I should contact more when I try and spell with my own personality. He is my oldest personality, and he laughs that I have as much grey hair as he does. I remind him that the are wisdom streaks. Truth is, it is in his case. So, here is my brainiac personality.

3. He is a professor. He reads almost 18 hours a day, and has bad eyesight from reading in an insufficiently lit room. He went to school to learn not party. He loves English. I made him up because I am English illiterate. He got a Masters in English, and knows every word in the dictionary, the meaning and origin or the word as well. He was runner up twice at the Scripps Spelling Bee as a child and has never really let go of the pain of defeat. We other personalities here him mumble the spelling of the word, appoggiatura, over and over, emphasizing that there are two "g's" and not one. He is basically a dork, a book nerd have you. But he comes in handy almost never. He does read out loud sometimes putting the rest of us to sleep, but he has occationaly read something interesting. However, we still laugh at him. Since he is the oldest, like I said before, we do respect him enough to not kick him out as a personality, and have even used his elderly wisdom to settle spats between the personalities. I let him think he settled some fights because I know it would crush him to know that it is really me who starts and ends all scuffles. If you want to see a picture of him and see a bit more of his boring credentials, click here. Now I have to go get in bed, I think he is going to finish To Kill A Mockingbird, tonight and I have run out of sleeping pills. Until next personality.

The Five Personalities of Kevin - Part 2

Since I promised to let you in on my conversation fabrications, I will let you know about my talented left brained personality.

2. He is a singer. He tends to wear pants that are too tight and wares a ridiculous hat. A cowboy hat to be specific. He has written songs entitled "If Whiskey Were A Woman I'd Be Married For Sure," "My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field While Your Dear John Was Breakin' My Heart," and "Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed." Me and the other personalities make fun of his songs. He plays guitar but only knows 3 notes, so all his songs are a bit repetitious. He likes to ride horses and he likes his women to have the ability to spit watermelon seeds over 30 feet. He wears boots made out of snakes and constantly taps his left foot on the ground. He tends to be the dorkiest of my personalities. He tries to dance the two step and the half step, but only ends up doing a one and a half. He tries though. He gets girls for the sole reason of being up on a stage with a guitar and singing. It is just that the girls he usually gets have mullets and are stronger then him. This personality lives up in the Wyoming area but travels around the middle northern central four states promoting his CD by playing concerts at county fairs and nursing homes. He borrowed some money from one of the more successful personalities but he did start up a web site where you all can check in on his progress. You can even buy a shirt. So instead of sending five dollars to my fan club, you can pay 22 bucks for a shirt of my country singer personality. Well I got to get back to listening to one of his more racy titles, "I Can't Fly My Kite No More Cause My Wife Won't Give Me Any Tail." Check out his web site here and join the fan club. Until next personality.