Bragging for Dummies

I woke up this morning and I had a revelation. It was too early to be waking up, so I went back to sleep. But the next time I woke up(eight minutes later) I had another revelation. I needed to write a blog like I used to. I should start off by telling you what I have been up to, then delve into the boring part, that is unless you always skip the part about my going ons because you think that part is boring. Anyways, point is until dues are seriously talked about at the next house meeting, this thing gets written pretty much just the way my fingers and brain decide it should be done. So, on that note, I watched a movie tonight, and if you must know the small details I did watch it alone. I viewed a movie about futbol hooligans, called Green Street Holligans. It was a British movie starring Elijah Wood and a bunch of other blokes. There was much fighting, a bunch of drinking, many foul words scattered in and back stabbing. Basically, if it was made in America it would have been based on fraternities. Seriously though, it was a good movie that taught some important lessons in life, but mainly just showed that the human face can take more punches then you would have thought other wise. Another prevalent occurrence in the movie was the consistent use up bragging. That got me thinking... what doesn't, I am sure your thinking. I know I don't know all that much about bragging(not a brag) but I do think I know more then all of you(a serious brag) so I thought I would whip up a few guidelines concerning the art of bragging. In no particular order....

Bragging mucst be BALLSY - Sorry to start with ballsy but it starts with B. OK, say you have reached a point in a conversation or an argument where you need to reach inside yourself for a brag, you can not come to the table with a week hearted tall tale. You need to always bring a strong and ardent brag or else you run the risk of not being taken serious. To be good a brag needs a bit of an edge to it.
Examples:
Bad Ballsy Brag - "My mom says I punch harder then both my sisters combined, so why don't you sit down before I show you what she is talking about."
Good Ballsy Brag - "These fists are banned in 49 states because of their deadly might, you want to be the reason it is all 50 states?"

Bragging must be RUDE - There is no such thing as a polite brag. Bragging is to be used in a discourteous manner. Bragging is to make you seem, look and feel better then the other person and there is no way to achieve this if your brags are anything but disrespectful.
Examples:
Bad Rude Brag - "My mom got me this awesome watch, it is way better then yours."
Good Rude Brag - "I have the best watch of any one on the street, because my dad is rich and powerful, and your dad is unemployed."

Bragging must be ABSOLUTE - Bragging needs not to have boundaries, but it does need a precise point. Bragging needs to be straight forward and spoken with heart. You can not be wishy-washy with a brag. This shows weakness, and a stronger bragger will pounce on this. If you are in the middle of a serious bragging session with a friend about fishing, do not brag about anything else while bragging about fishing. You must have an absolute and stick with it. (Hey, it started with A)
Examples:
Bad Absolute Brag - "My mom says I run faster then the wind, and I have a penny that is older then dirt."
Good Absolute Brag - "I have drivin a car over 200 miles an hour right by a cop and he didn't even pull me over, seven times, each time in a different car, each car over 80 grand!"

Bragging must be GRANDIOSE - When bragging, nothing is worse then a brag that fizzles because it is to blase. A good brag is a showy brag. A bad brag is a stale brag. If you are going to use bragging to show people you are better then them, why just be a little bit better? Use the opportunity that bragging supplies to really make the other person feel crappy by making your brag the best brag it can be!
Examples:
Bad Grandiose Brag - "I hung the moon, according to my mom."
Good Grandiose Brag - "I was once being hunted by a battalion of blood thirsty Japanese Soldiers, hell bent on capturing me and tormenting me within inches of my life. I was able to elude this group of about 190 soldiers for 5 weeks with only a Swiss army knife as a weapon. I was able to slowly take them out one by one, until it was just me left in the jungle. This happened on 7 different occations. I single handedly won that war. I am the best soldier on the planet. Hoo rahhh!"

So I guess as a recap I will point out that I am the first person ever to come up with such guidelines and not only the first such list, but the best such list because they make a acronym. So just remember when you are arguing with a friend, co-worker, boss, carnival workers or anyone, if you feel you need to one-up their story with one of your own, use my time tested guidelines to successful bragging.

GREAT BRAGGING IS:
B-bold
R-rude
A-absolute
G-grandiose

Until next time.

To be Lazy or Productive? That is the question.

Until Next Time.

Heat Wave Goodbye

I have a big confession to make. No, it is not that I know every ABBA song word for word, I thought you already knew that. It is that... I for the first time since the Spurs were ripped from the NBA playoffs so heartbreakingly, watched another game of the playoffs. I actually ended my ban of the B-Ball tournament just for the hope of seeing what I saw tonight. The Dallas Mavericks and Mark Cuban lose. Do not get me wrong, I did not watch to see the Miami Heat win, I just wanted the team that caused my Los Cucos Mexican food to not settle for two weeks in my stomach(Mavs), to fall from the playoff in dramatic fashion, just like my Spurs did. I am not usually a vengeance filled person, but for some reason I took it personally that my Spurs lost that night at Los Cucos. I guess I did not cheer loud enouph or bang the bar hard enouph, something I did must have caused that loss. So I held the burden of blame that the "other Texas team" was going to win the championship this season. Well me and Manu Ginobili were going to share the blame for is insane foul. Well to be even more honest, Manu and I would actually take responsibility for one forth of the loss, where the refs would receive the other three fourths. But non-the-less it has been a heavy burden to bear. My legs have never been stronger, but I am so happy that it has been lifted off with the Heat winning the Championship. Man I can see the headlines now... A HEAT WAVE HITS DALLAS! That shouldn't make me happy, but it does and I am sorry if it doesn't make you happy. In fact I will take this opportunity to switch gears and talk about something that just came to my mind...

A HEAT WAVE HITS SAN ANTONIO! Is is hot or what? You don't have to really answer that. I didn't have time to call the Weather Channel to confirm this, but I am pretty sure it is the hottest June ever since 2005. I did how every have time to check my thesaurus and I agree with it that not only is it hot here in SA this week but it is also safe to say that it is baking, blazing, calescent, flaming, ovenlike, piping, roasting, scalding, sweltry, thermogenic and torrid. The heat has even reminded me that I need help with a problem I have been having lately. No, it is not problem of trying to learn what trendy is, that is a severe problem. What I am getting at is I have had bad sweaty back the last three days, when I have gone for my lunch at about 2:00 in the afternoon. It is becoming a problem. I hope your not eating as you read this. Anyways, I have thought long and hard about this for about 5 minutes and there are a few things I think I can do to help this problem out. If you think of more please let me know.
1.) Stop going to lunch. This seems to be the easiest solution on the surface, but when you take in to account that I am a lover of food, and I need it like wild out of control kids need a "Chill Pill," you quickly see that I need to leave to get lunch somewhere, preferably a buffet.
2.)Leave Car Running With AC on When I Get to Work in Morning. Again another idea that seems good on the surface. Unfortunately I do not get paid enouph to fill up my car every day at lunch because the gas burned up. And this would in turn cut into my eating time, that just will not work. As for getting rid of sweaty back these first two idea would be ideal, and I would still get to EAT!
3.) Lose Weight So Sweaty Back is Harder to Obtain. Wow. I think this is the only way to really eliminate sweaty lunch back, with out moving to Iceland. That would involve working out not eating out. Scary concept but it just might work. Because this idea gives me nightmares I will skip to idea 4.
4.) Wear Dark Shirts to Hide Evidence. Yes! Problem solved! I have a great Miami Heat dark navy shirt to wear! Hope that goes with my black cutoff jean shorts. Until next time.

A little more about me...

I figured that since this is my blog, I can do with it what I like. And I would like to take about five minutes of your time to talk solely about myself. You may be thinking that , that is all I do on here anyways, and you would be wrong. Most other times when I talk about myself, I have been lying. So this one will be straight forward, honest and should have very few parts exaggerated. I was thinking about how exactly to type about myself in a way that would let all the people that don't know me to well outside of the internet to really get a grasp of what I am like if I am seen in person. I figured the best way would be to pretend that I am standing in front of a huge audience of my readers, ok... well a semi circle of fold out chairs in a living room would be more like it. I thought it would be best to type what I would share if this were a live audience. So here goes.

me: Hi, welcome to my parents living room, they graciously stepped out for their evening walk so that I could have the room to myself and have you all over. My mom did make her famous and my favorite, M&M cookies, so please help your self at any time.

person in audience: Do you still live here?

me: Yes, it is just temporary though. Let's move on...

person in audience: Aren't you almost 30, why do you live here?

me: ummmm, twenty eight is a long way from thirty, and I did stay in a dorm in college. But I will have a question and answer time later if you would like to hold all....

person in audience: Why don't you move out, dork!

me: ummmmm... Because right now I am trying to save up as much money as I can so that I can travel the world and meet hot chicks from new and exciting countries! I Was going to start my speech about myself actually with sharing with you that I like to tre....

person in audience: What happens when you tell the "hot chick from new countries" that your almost 30 and live at home?! HAHAHAHAHAHA

me: ummm. First off, like I said twenty eight is no where near 30, and second of all, I would hope that any respectable girl would find my honesty in sharing such a tidbit would find me desirable.

female in audience: No she wouldn't, she would find it creepy and slap you. Why do you still live at home, dork? hahaha

me: Trust me pretty lady....

female in audience: Don't call me that, or I'll break your arms.

me: Ummm... aaaa... I was just going to say that it is not a permanent housing plan. I have goals and aspirations. I will have a great job and make six figures one day, and I will be a great husband...

person in audience: No you won't.

me: Well, you are certainly in titled to your opinion, but that is just what it is your opinion, not the groups...

the whole audience: Yes it is.

me: Ummmmm.... shall I continue..... I'll take the silence as a yes. Travel is not my only love. I also love movies. I own about 350 DVD now and I.....

person in audience: You really are a dork.

me: Umm please hold all comments until the end, my parents only make two laps around the block and I am hoping we have time at the end to talk about the possibility of dues being paid to read my blog. I was thinking that....

person in audience: You have to be kidding. What are you going to charge us for these terrible cookies too? Dork.

me: Well, that is voluntary actually, the little jar next to the cookies is supposed to be for tips, but don't feel obligated. As for the dues, we can take a vote at the end of this...

whole audience: We all vote no.

me: ummmm... I respect your choice, shall I continue?

whole audience: NO!

me: ummm... So, I guess that brings this to a close, I am glad you all came out tonight, and would like to answer any questions you might have besides "why do you....

whole audience: WHY DO YOU LIVE AT HOME WHEN YOU ARE ALMOST THIRTY!!!!! Dork!

me: please leave.

whole group: Gladly.

me: **cry**


UNTIL NEXT TIME


p.s. Just to clear some things up. I do not live at home. Twenty eight IS a long way from thirty. I do like to travel. I am not a dork. And I wouldn't really cry.

The World Cup o' Tea

Let me start with a quick explanation of why I have not written a blog in over two months. I was conducting a test. I wanted to see if anyone would miss my blog. And since only one person did I just about gave up on it. But that one person, kept hounding me to write another one, so I gave in and am back at it. Oh yeah that one person, was me. "So, lets get started, Kev." "OK! Kev"

June is proving to be a busy month for sports fans. I will attempt to share with you(and when I say you I am implying me)my incite on each of the sporting events that seem to be filling this month. I guess I will go in order of importance starting with the least meaningful and shall end with the best, mainly because that is how I would like to read it.

WNBA Regular Season - I have to admit that I am not a fan of women's basketball. It has too slow of a pace and not enouph dunking. Strangely enouph, if you took down every persons name that attended a WNBA game and compared it to the Legalizing Gay Marriage petition, they would be about 90% identical.


NHL Championships - This seems like a sport I would really like. I like to skate. I like physical play. There is no jumping involved. And it would be perfect for my short temper. The thing is living in Texas my whole life I was never introduced to the sport. So I just small glimpses of it here and there. Though I like to watch the fighting and I like to see people get splattered into the wall, I still can not put it above any of the sports left.


College Softball Championships - I have to admit that I do like to watch girls softball. Just in little doses. Though there is a good amount of "butch" softball gals, I find that over half are an athletic hot. They don't get higher on my list of June sports though because they chant the entire game in unison, and they all throw like girls.

Major League Baseball - There is a reason most people you talk to about baseball say it is boring. That is because it is. I can really only watch baseball in the Fall and only then because we only have football on the weekends. Lately all you hear about baseball is the fact that almost 75% of the players are cheating dummies and their leader is Barry Bonds, so that has turned me off of baseball for the month at least.

College Baseball Championships - To me college sports are always more exciting then their professional counterpart, except in table tennis, the pros rule that one. So for baseball it is nice to see true competition going on in June, from athletes that play for the right reasons. Well, they play there asses off so that they can make it to the big leagues to play for money instead of for love of the game. If bikini clad women would walk the bases holding up what inning was about to start I think attendance would go up.

Wimbleton - Tennis is great to watch, when I remember too. The women's field is filled with scrumptious eye candy, and the men's field is so deep right now that it makes for good matches all around. But now to talk a bit about the down side of tennis. It does get a bit repetitive, and there are next to zero fights.

NBA championships - I do love the NBA. I am just really mad at it right now, so it is with great effort to put it this high. I can not believe David Stern scripted the Spurs to lose to Dallas. Though I am banning the Finals this year because I am bitter and a sore loser, I have really loved the Finals 3 out of the last 8 years. The Spurs are still Champions in my eyes. I have been wearing the pair of disposible contacts for over 2 months though.

THE WORLD CUP - The World Cup for those of you that do not know is the Championships for Soccer. Not the US Championships, the WORLD Championships. Teams play for 4 years to qualify for the chance to be one of 32 teams to be invited to play. This is really the truest world contest there is. I heard that audience wise, it is four times larger then the Olympics, so that means it is a really big deal. It has taken hold of me as well this month. It is the only sporting event I have watched. I have watched all or part of every game that has been on so far, which shows I am a true fan, and that I am still single. Countries pause their lives for one full month while they follow their countries progress in the Cup. The USA does not. I wish we would be cause not only is it fun to watch(I know this is a controversial statement, but I also know that I exaggerated a bit too), but I think it would be more fun to be a fan of the game. They have more team spirit then any fans I have ever seen, besides some Raiders fans. They get to riot and it is encouraged, I think. I mean look at these fans.

Where else can you see this kind of pure enjoyment, besides Chuck E. Cheese of course. So I challenge all of you(me) to watch The World Cup this month. You might find out that is better then you though, better then all these other sports going on right now. Until next time.