I have been in vacation so i have been unable too funtion as a bad wighter(i.e. this sentence). But these tens days off have cleared my head, blistered my face and also prepared me to figure out one of life's lessons. "You never get what you paid for" Bare with me....
I learned that if you reach your credit limit on your credit card that they will send you a letter that does not say, "You are in debt, and will be judged harshly in Heaven!" It does say however, "We are happy that you, our honored spender, are reaching your limit. As a reward we are going to raise your limit, so that you, our honored spender can continue to have fun." Amazing. The small print I found out after I had already had the fun reads, "Since we are allowing your fun to continue, we hope you find that the 19% raise in your APR (bringing it to 57%), to be fair and reasonable. Thank you our honored spender." Not Amazing. But this caused me to think, as pretty much anything does, and I started to figure out what using a credit card to buy small unimportant things does. It turns them into extravagant ultra-important things once you get them paid off. Allow me to digress. You can purchase a small item on your credit card, mainly because it is easy, but through a process called "hahahahaha your screwed," interest is tacked on to this small item causing it to really cost you like a million times more then what you paid originally. Anyways, to tell you the truth, and I never lie in these blogs:), I came up with five real life examples of this phenomenon.
----ONE -----
Pizza from Little Ceasers is cheap. Buying a classy Italian Resturante is not so cheap. Always take cash with you to pay for a pizza, or else you will end up paying for way more than just heart burn.
ORIGINALLY SPENT---$6.11 on large Hot-n-Ready pizza.
PAID FOR A---$61,930.45 classy Italian Resturante that takes credit cards.
----TWO----
Running out of batteries to control the remote to the T.V. is a bad hindrance especially when Growing Up Gatti is about to come on and you don't know how to turn the T.V. on at the base. You better remember your Lincolns if your going to make a quick trip to the corner store to make this purchase. It is next to impossible not be enticed by cold Big Red while there picking up the batteries, at least for me it is.
ORIGINALLY SPENT---$4.78 on two AAA batteries and a 79ounce Big Red.
PAID FOR A---$6,230.32 flat panel 79inch television that has no batteries and a $4,900.00 bottle of 79 year old wine(stainless steel cork screw included).
----THREE----
Shopping during a sale is a good thing, we all can admit that. But bargain bin scouring, drive-all-over-town price matching, liquidation hound shopping is an art only a few people possess. But it is important to note, if you are this person you should not use your card to pay for any of these "deals." I am not one of these people but all I had was plastic one time at the Kohls "Once In A Lifetime 99% Off Sale."
ORIGINALLY SPENT---$13.22 on two pair of untrendy fake cotton Polos.
PAID FOR A---$113,334.87 closet full of custom made trendy not-fake silk Armani suites(comes to just five suites actually).
----FOUR----
Not wanting to smell bad is a goal of almost everyone not living in France. But cash is the way to go when it is time to restock the Clear Stick long lasting deodorant. It almost may be better to move to France and stink rather then charge a b.o. blocker.
ORIGINALLY SPENT---$3.45 on everyday no-name brand of 24-hour protection pit spray.
PAID FOR A---$33,984.00 surgery that replaces your glands that produce bad smells with a gland that emits smells that attracts women($472/month x 6years =$33,984 if you wanted to know.) Because, I did.
----FIVE----
Enjoying cultures of a distant country should be a requirement in life. Eating exotic foods, drinking a foreign drink even traveling to a land and soaking it all in. Another good way is the try the Hookah or Nargile, a smoking devise that comes from the ancient India and Turkey. The taste is sweet, often tasting like oranges even if it shouldn't. Bring a Benjamin to these special times though because it is better to smoke with friends then through a Visa.
ORIGINALLY SPENT---$14.50 on a Hookah filled with oil saturated something.
PAID FOR A---$150,000 truckload of pure 100% Columbian Cocaine. Why it paid for this exactly is not quite clear to me. I have to check the fine print on my statement.
Until next time.
p.s. I was going to write about Hookahs and its wonderful history. But since I was just introduced to them tonight, I have decided to wait a few days. That way I would know everything and pass it on to you.
Friday, July 28, 2006
Monday, July 17, 2006
The Perfect (Healthy)Omelet, Almost.
Hello everyone. 'One' being the key. This is a great week. Would you like to know why? No, it is not because Fraggle Rock is in talks to make a Hollywood movie, even though that is awesome. It is the simple fact, that I will be out of the country in 4 days. Puerto Vallarta to be specific. For those of you that don't know it is the best place on earth somewhere in Mexico. It gets even better. Not only will I not be working, but I will have an ocean view room,unlimited sun as well as countless opportunities to people watch. When I say people watch, I of course mean female watch. And when I say female watch, I mean bikini watch. I know that could seem a bit sexist, for some reason. I heard it said just recently the point that it is weird that the girls that are embarrassed if they are seen in their underwear or what not out on the street are the same girls that wear a dental floss bikini two sizes to small on the beach and not be embarrassed one bit. Anyways... I am getting distracted... I will be in Mexico, I will be ooggleing and best of all, all my food and drinks will be gratis. For the non-Spanish speaking reader, that means FREE. And that is just what I mean, I will be getting all the food I want and all the drinks(by drinks I mean ALCOHOL) by just snapping my fingers and a midget in a tux will bring it to me. Ok, so I may be over playing it a bit but I am excited about the free food especially. I know that is hard to believe if you know me, but the fact is, I have been having to make my own food the past 11 days and have been eating healthy and while I am proud of myself for doing it, it has been painful. Mainly in the breakfast area. I have attempted to make an omelet the past 11 days and have had two fire alarms go off, had several arm and hand burns, and 10 crying spells. I feel it is safe to admit this because my reading base is as small as an anorexic's ideal dress size. Anyways... This morning JULY 17th, 2006 I created The Perfect Omelet, almost. I say 'almost' because it happened to be the first one that tasted, smelled and looked good, so maybe it could be better. I should also interject here, that this would also be catigorized as a healthy omelet, which at first thought you would think that means it can't taste good. You are almost correct, but if you follow these simple steps I believe you will enjoy your mornings ten fold, because you will have made the The Perfect Healthy Omelet, almost.
INGREDIENTS: This is the easy part. Just buy some Southwestern Egg Beaters. Yes, you guessed it, these are eggs that do not come from chickens(even though the box clearly states they are). I think they come from a machine that separates all the evil(yummy) parts of an egg and then squirts what is left in to a huge mixing bowl the size of a welfare house. Then another machine that somehow makes salsa(green chilies, onion, spices, tomato) squirts its concoction in to the bowl and a huge helicopter with a spoon tied to it then stirs these two into one happy family. Next a little conveyer belt with 4 ounce boxes, made from recycled corn stalks, conveys by an opening at the bottom of the huge bowl, where with the sound of a whoopee cushion squirts the "egg beater" into the box. Then it is shipped to H.E.B.. So, just pick up one of those, as well as some Canadian bacon slices. Surprisingly to note, there are healthy Canadians and unhealthy Canadians. You want the bacon that is made from the healthy ones. Some low-fat cheese is optional, mainly because I keep forgetting to put it on my omelets. And that is all the ingredients you need, unless you are like me and need to by a skillet, a spatula and protective goggles. Opps... One more thing, some Pam oil spray stuff. Get they healthy kind again, or else the whole thing doesn't work.
DIRECTIONS: Here comes the hard part. Omelets may seem easy to you, but it is because through great trial and error and error and error, I figured it out. First, get a pan set it on stove and turn on the stove. This may seem like an unnecessary step, but I found out that it is necessary the hard way. Next, slice up two pieces of Canadian bacon into little squares. And throw them into the pan. I hope you remembered to spay a little of the Pam spray onto the pan before you did this. I mentioned this after putting the Canadian bacon in the pan(which is on the heated stove) because I have yet to remember to spray the pan first. I tend to spray it while the bacon sits there. I hope that is why the CB tastes so good, and I also hope that doesn't gross you out. So the Canadian Bacon is cooking. Through experience, the stove does not need to be too high for this part(more on temp later:( I need to warn you about something. Canadian Bacon tends to jump into the air once it starts sizzling. Sometimes, onto your face. This is why I wear protective goggles. So, I need to really make a big deal about not having the stove to high, for this next part. KEEP STOVE ON LOW. I mean real low. Because next, with the Canadian Bacon still cooking, pour about 1/4 to 1/2 cups of egg beater into the frying pan. If you hear an immediate sizzling and popping and egg beater starts looking like a lava pit, then the stove is too high. I started my omelet making on as high as my gas stove would go, thinking that it would just mean I could eat the omelet faster. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I burnt it and it was so hot I had to wait twenty minutes for the fire to go out and smoke to clear before I could not enjoy it. So, what I am getting at is to let this baby slow roast. This morning I put a timer on it and it took about 6 minutes, just enouph time for me to take one of my famous 5 minute showers. Once the top begins to look cooked you will want to sprinkle cheese neatly across the center of your circle of fake egg healthy omelet. Next, use the spatula and fold one side up onto the neatly laid cheese, followed by simply lifting the other side up on to the middle. It should look nice and neat and perfect. If it doesn't and you feel like chunking it across the room and crying, that is ok, it took me ten times to get it perfect, almost. Move it onto a plate, smile and clap(jump up and down if that is your thing).
ENJOY: If you have survived this whole ordeal. This is the best part. Eat that sucker. Be careful though, with all the Pam that is on it, you are in danger of ruining you your good work clothes with greesey Canadian Bacon droppings(yes, I have had to toss out three pair of cut off jean shorts). But I promise if you follow these simple and extremely drawn out steps you will most likely still want to go to your nearest Denny's and order The Perfect Omelet. Until next time.
INGREDIENTS: This is the easy part. Just buy some Southwestern Egg Beaters. Yes, you guessed it, these are eggs that do not come from chickens(even though the box clearly states they are). I think they come from a machine that separates all the evil(yummy) parts of an egg and then squirts what is left in to a huge mixing bowl the size of a welfare house. Then another machine that somehow makes salsa(green chilies, onion, spices, tomato) squirts its concoction in to the bowl and a huge helicopter with a spoon tied to it then stirs these two into one happy family. Next a little conveyer belt with 4 ounce boxes, made from recycled corn stalks, conveys by an opening at the bottom of the huge bowl, where with the sound of a whoopee cushion squirts the "egg beater" into the box. Then it is shipped to H.E.B.. So, just pick up one of those, as well as some Canadian bacon slices. Surprisingly to note, there are healthy Canadians and unhealthy Canadians. You want the bacon that is made from the healthy ones. Some low-fat cheese is optional, mainly because I keep forgetting to put it on my omelets. And that is all the ingredients you need, unless you are like me and need to by a skillet, a spatula and protective goggles. Opps... One more thing, some Pam oil spray stuff. Get they healthy kind again, or else the whole thing doesn't work.
DIRECTIONS: Here comes the hard part. Omelets may seem easy to you, but it is because through great trial and error and error and error, I figured it out. First, get a pan set it on stove and turn on the stove. This may seem like an unnecessary step, but I found out that it is necessary the hard way. Next, slice up two pieces of Canadian bacon into little squares. And throw them into the pan. I hope you remembered to spay a little of the Pam spray onto the pan before you did this. I mentioned this after putting the Canadian bacon in the pan(which is on the heated stove) because I have yet to remember to spray the pan first. I tend to spray it while the bacon sits there. I hope that is why the CB tastes so good, and I also hope that doesn't gross you out. So the Canadian Bacon is cooking. Through experience, the stove does not need to be too high for this part(more on temp later:( I need to warn you about something. Canadian Bacon tends to jump into the air once it starts sizzling. Sometimes, onto your face. This is why I wear protective goggles. So, I need to really make a big deal about not having the stove to high, for this next part. KEEP STOVE ON LOW. I mean real low. Because next, with the Canadian Bacon still cooking, pour about 1/4 to 1/2 cups of egg beater into the frying pan. If you hear an immediate sizzling and popping and egg beater starts looking like a lava pit, then the stove is too high. I started my omelet making on as high as my gas stove would go, thinking that it would just mean I could eat the omelet faster. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I burnt it and it was so hot I had to wait twenty minutes for the fire to go out and smoke to clear before I could not enjoy it. So, what I am getting at is to let this baby slow roast. This morning I put a timer on it and it took about 6 minutes, just enouph time for me to take one of my famous 5 minute showers. Once the top begins to look cooked you will want to sprinkle cheese neatly across the center of your circle of fake egg healthy omelet. Next, use the spatula and fold one side up onto the neatly laid cheese, followed by simply lifting the other side up on to the middle. It should look nice and neat and perfect. If it doesn't and you feel like chunking it across the room and crying, that is ok, it took me ten times to get it perfect, almost. Move it onto a plate, smile and clap(jump up and down if that is your thing).
ENJOY: If you have survived this whole ordeal. This is the best part. Eat that sucker. Be careful though, with all the Pam that is on it, you are in danger of ruining you your good work clothes with greesey Canadian Bacon droppings(yes, I have had to toss out three pair of cut off jean shorts). But I promise if you follow these simple and extremely drawn out steps you will most likely still want to go to your nearest Denny's and order The Perfect Omelet. Until next time.
Monday, July 10, 2006
Eating Healthy will Kill You
Over the past two days, which is longer then I have ever lasted on my self imposed diets, I have attempted just that. To diet. To try and somehow sculpt this "Boss Hog" waist into a lean mean hard body. I know that makes me lauph too. I am really just attempting to get to the point where if I take my shirt off at the beach, the pool or lets say my room, that the ladies do not exit with haste. There are two things that have been a hurtle--no wait--a brick wall in my quest for being fit. They are Fast Deep Fried Foods and the ever so encompassing urge to sit on my ass and do nothing. I usually combined these two, lets call them hobbies, daily, usually three times a day in fact, unless the urge to sit on my ass and do nothing over takes the urge to eat something greasy. I am sure you know I maybe over play my problems a bit. So let me assure you, I can still move pretty quickly on the basketball court and I can still climb one flight of stairs with out breaking into a profound sweat. But it was three weeks ago where I had a "hello stupid?" moment. I was on the basketball court(yes the one I claimed I can more quickly on
) warming up to play in a game for the next hour and a half. WARMING UP! Next thing I know, I am bent over out of breath and for some reason craving a double quarter pounder from Mc D's. This couldn't be happening, I am athletic I thought to my self and then wheezed. Anyways, being hardbigheaded, I struggled through the game and after being revived by perimedics at half time I made my way to Mc. D's(logicaly), and that is when it first started happening. My desire to better myself actually overtook my desire to do nothing. I now felt very close to making the decision to get back into the gym, but first I was going to order this single quarter pounder! Hey, it's a start.
Well, I sat on my ass and struggled for about two more weeks and then this past Friday I decided to go ahead and make the drastic choice I had been dreading since 3rd grade. I have completely cut out fast 'grease dripping' food from my diet. This may seem easy to most of you that read this, but I on the other hand in the past six years, have probably filled two land fills with the amount of fast food trash I have accumulated. But NO MORE! I now am making my own food, packing a little-low carb-lunches in handy tupperware(which I never knew existed). And you want to know what? I'M STARVING...I found that when I rely on me to make a full meal for myself, I suck at it. I thought I was going to die of hunger pains today and I was craving Sonic so bad that I thought I might die. The worst part was that after work is when I was my hungeriest, and that happens to be the time when every day for the past decade I had a nice fast food meal, neatly wrapped in silky paper and handed to me threw my window. I was determined to hold strong though. I did snap at the people at the post office, but once I explained to them my predicament they just lauphed. Ok, I am now seconds away from the house, passing the last temptation on the way, when it dawns on me... I still have to make my food! Crap. A two tire screetching u-turn in heavy traffic actually crossed my mind, but I am proud to tell you though as soon as I made it in the house, I found some healthy things to snack on and preceded to make a nice meal of beef shish-ka-bobs. I even had enouph to fill a tupperware bowl so that I can take it to work, tomorrow. I am so glad I have made it this far in my healthy diet(torture), even if it is only hour 43(feels like 10,043). I have a trip to Mexico in 10 days, and I am hopeful I will save on luggage space by not having to pack so many t-shirts to cover my 'donut storage tanks'. I am also hopeful that I will not have broken down and robbed Wendy's either due to hunger and fast food lust, or died from my body rejecting this new kind of food being introduced to it. Ok, ok its all about being positive. I am still alive (barely)and I am sure I have already added three minutes to the end of my life with eating so healthily. At this rate I might live long enouph to go on a date. Until next time.
) warming up to play in a game for the next hour and a half. WARMING UP! Next thing I know, I am bent over out of breath and for some reason craving a double quarter pounder from Mc D's. This couldn't be happening, I am athletic I thought to my self and then wheezed. Anyways, being hardbigheaded, I struggled through the game and after being revived by perimedics at half time I made my way to Mc. D's(logicaly), and that is when it first started happening. My desire to better myself actually overtook my desire to do nothing. I now felt very close to making the decision to get back into the gym, but first I was going to order this single quarter pounder! Hey, it's a start.
Well, I sat on my ass and struggled for about two more weeks and then this past Friday I decided to go ahead and make the drastic choice I had been dreading since 3rd grade. I have completely cut out fast 'grease dripping' food from my diet. This may seem easy to most of you that read this, but I on the other hand in the past six years, have probably filled two land fills with the amount of fast food trash I have accumulated. But NO MORE! I now am making my own food, packing a little-low carb-lunches in handy tupperware(which I never knew existed). And you want to know what? I'M STARVING...I found that when I rely on me to make a full meal for myself, I suck at it. I thought I was going to die of hunger pains today and I was craving Sonic so bad that I thought I might die. The worst part was that after work is when I was my hungeriest, and that happens to be the time when every day for the past decade I had a nice fast food meal, neatly wrapped in silky paper and handed to me threw my window. I was determined to hold strong though. I did snap at the people at the post office, but once I explained to them my predicament they just lauphed. Ok, I am now seconds away from the house, passing the last temptation on the way, when it dawns on me... I still have to make my food! Crap. A two tire screetching u-turn in heavy traffic actually crossed my mind, but I am proud to tell you though as soon as I made it in the house, I found some healthy things to snack on and preceded to make a nice meal of beef shish-ka-bobs. I even had enouph to fill a tupperware bowl so that I can take it to work, tomorrow. I am so glad I have made it this far in my healthy diet(torture), even if it is only hour 43(feels like 10,043). I have a trip to Mexico in 10 days, and I am hopeful I will save on luggage space by not having to pack so many t-shirts to cover my 'donut storage tanks'. I am also hopeful that I will not have broken down and robbed Wendy's either due to hunger and fast food lust, or died from my body rejecting this new kind of food being introduced to it. Ok, ok its all about being positive. I am still alive (barely)and I am sure I have already added three minutes to the end of my life with eating so healthily. At this rate I might live long enouph to go on a date. Until next time.
The next blog will be better.
I realised exactlly what keeps me going. Procrastination. I like to put things off until the very last second, leaving next to no time to finish it, and it is always stressful. This is no way to go about life... but the thing is I think I will put off writting a blog until tomorrow. That way I can sleep now. Until next time. 
Thursday, July 06, 2006
The Fourth of July for Dummy Faces
Hope everyone had a good Fourth of July. I had a great one, kind of. I spent it reliving a favorite childhood past time, just in a dangerous way. When I was a child, years and years ago, my parents had 23 medium to large size oak trees in their back yard. I prided myself on the fact that I could start at one side of the back yard and make it to the other side of the yard, without touching the ground all while setting foot on each of the 23 trees. Yes, I could do it, i did it all the time. And I loved it. The thing is, I was a top heavy 95 pounds back then and I treated climbing trees like a plumber treats a toilet, with ease. I am now double that weight and bottom heavy, and add to that picture a chainsaw and you have a picture of me on the Fourth of July. I chopped down what seemed like half of my old climbing grounds. Me and my dad made a nice clean looking canopy over the whole backyard.
Perfect job, except for that one last limb that needed to be chopped, but it was way up in the trees. "Hey, your a athletic young man!" I thought to myself, "why don't you shimmy up that tree like the good ole days and cut that limb down?" Ignoring the craziness of talking to myself, I thought it was the best idea I had had since changing from boxers to briefs. I proceded to make my way up that tree like a pro. I did have too stop twice to catch my breath, which seems like it would have reminded me, that this was not what happened in the good ole days but, I got to the branch I needed to chop down pulled my self up on it and nestled myself in what seemed like twigs right above that limb. Taking a minute to let my sweating subdue to a mild trickle I lowered the rope I brought with me down to my dad, in which he tied the chainsaw to this rope and in turn pulled it back up to my paws. Needless to say I had to take another few minutes.
Let me explain the size of this limb I was about to chop down, it was medium size but large enouph to kill a boy scout troupe if it fell on them. I was cutting out a sizeable area of this tree, and mind you, I was about 25 feet in the air. My next memory was a combination of two phases that filled my head at once. As I asked myself, "Is this the best angle you should be cutting this limb from?" my mom's voice echoed in my head, "GET DOWN FROM UP THERE THIS INSTANT!" This caused me to forget to answer the question I asked myself, and it also put me right back into the good 'ole days! I used to love to scare my mom by swinging from trees, jumping from one tree to the other and even by falling from the trees. Luckily my head broke the fall each time. So, there I am waving my mom off, sweating profusely, breathing heavy, starting the chainsaw and about to cut off this main limb. One more time I heard myself ask something, "Ar ou ure his is the r ght an le?" The noise of the saw allowed me to shrug off the question, thinking it must have been myself asking myself for some water or a damp cold cloth. Well that is when it happened the crowning moment of the day, that large branch was about to fall from this mighty tree. With the cahinsaw about 3/4th of the way through the limb, I heard my self screaming at my self... "ST P CUT ING, D MMY!!!!" I heard the tone of my voice and recognized it as urgent, but the saw was too loud to know for sure. This is when I made the split decision to just go ahead and finish the cutting motion before finding out what was being yelled at me. I then turned off the saw and sat there covered in sweat and woodchips, and asked myself what it was he was trying to tell me. All he responded with was, "You dummy." Being easily drawn into name calling, I proceeded to call myself a dummy, but added face after dummy. Next, it was my mom that wanted to chime in with her usual, "How are you going to get down?" If I had dime for every time I heard that growing up, I would have been able to afford those Converse Allstars I always wanted. Suffering from dehydration and being a bit of a smart aleck, I sassyly replied, "I will jump down to this limb and then it is a piece of cake from there. I have done it a million times! GOSH!" Next, in what seemed like practiced precision, my mom and myself both exclaimed, "Better think again, Dummy face!"
Crap. That limb I was planning to jump down to--that was so easy to get down from--was now laying 23 feet down, on the grass, no doubt having mixed emotions between pain and sheer joy in the fat that I was screwed. Mustering up all the confidence I could, I replied, "I'm fine." Time to size up the situation: I have to make it 15 feet down a 3 foot in diameter oak tree to get to the next useful limb, my mom, myself and a tree limb are all lauphing at me, an I feel like I have just run in the Iron Man Classic. After taking a rest, and lowering the saw to my dad, who was surprising quiet through the whole ordeal,(I later found out he was arguing with himself about letting me go up that high in the first place)I came to the decision that taking my shirt off earlier in the day, to show my pale skin some sunshine was probably one of my worst ideas in months. For the only way in which to get from point A to point B,(A being where I was, B where I needed to get 15 feet away) was to shimmy down the tree, bear style, till my feet got to that next limb. Lets all think about this senerio. Bare stomach and arms, tired stomach and arms, 15 feet, oak tree. All of this added together makes for a memorable Fourth of July for sure. In fact it has been a memorable 5-7th of July as well, as I am reminded of my stupidity every time I move. Well, I hope all of you listened to yourselves better then I did this past holiday. I know that I will be paying way more attention to dummy face in the future. Until next time.
Perfect job, except for that one last limb that needed to be chopped, but it was way up in the trees. "Hey, your a athletic young man!" I thought to myself, "why don't you shimmy up that tree like the good ole days and cut that limb down?" Ignoring the craziness of talking to myself, I thought it was the best idea I had had since changing from boxers to briefs. I proceded to make my way up that tree like a pro. I did have too stop twice to catch my breath, which seems like it would have reminded me, that this was not what happened in the good ole days but, I got to the branch I needed to chop down pulled my self up on it and nestled myself in what seemed like twigs right above that limb. Taking a minute to let my sweating subdue to a mild trickle I lowered the rope I brought with me down to my dad, in which he tied the chainsaw to this rope and in turn pulled it back up to my paws. Needless to say I had to take another few minutes.
Let me explain the size of this limb I was about to chop down, it was medium size but large enouph to kill a boy scout troupe if it fell on them. I was cutting out a sizeable area of this tree, and mind you, I was about 25 feet in the air. My next memory was a combination of two phases that filled my head at once. As I asked myself, "Is this the best angle you should be cutting this limb from?" my mom's voice echoed in my head, "GET DOWN FROM UP THERE THIS INSTANT!" This caused me to forget to answer the question I asked myself, and it also put me right back into the good 'ole days! I used to love to scare my mom by swinging from trees, jumping from one tree to the other and even by falling from the trees. Luckily my head broke the fall each time. So, there I am waving my mom off, sweating profusely, breathing heavy, starting the chainsaw and about to cut off this main limb. One more time I heard myself ask something, "Ar ou ure his is the r ght an le?" The noise of the saw allowed me to shrug off the question, thinking it must have been myself asking myself for some water or a damp cold cloth. Well that is when it happened the crowning moment of the day, that large branch was about to fall from this mighty tree. With the cahinsaw about 3/4th of the way through the limb, I heard my self screaming at my self... "ST P CUT ING, D MMY!!!!" I heard the tone of my voice and recognized it as urgent, but the saw was too loud to know for sure. This is when I made the split decision to just go ahead and finish the cutting motion before finding out what was being yelled at me. I then turned off the saw and sat there covered in sweat and woodchips, and asked myself what it was he was trying to tell me. All he responded with was, "You dummy." Being easily drawn into name calling, I proceeded to call myself a dummy, but added face after dummy. Next, it was my mom that wanted to chime in with her usual, "How are you going to get down?" If I had dime for every time I heard that growing up, I would have been able to afford those Converse Allstars I always wanted. Suffering from dehydration and being a bit of a smart aleck, I sassyly replied, "I will jump down to this limb and then it is a piece of cake from there. I have done it a million times! GOSH!" Next, in what seemed like practiced precision, my mom and myself both exclaimed, "Better think again, Dummy face!"
Crap. That limb I was planning to jump down to--that was so easy to get down from--was now laying 23 feet down, on the grass, no doubt having mixed emotions between pain and sheer joy in the fat that I was screwed. Mustering up all the confidence I could, I replied, "I'm fine." Time to size up the situation: I have to make it 15 feet down a 3 foot in diameter oak tree to get to the next useful limb, my mom, myself and a tree limb are all lauphing at me, an I feel like I have just run in the Iron Man Classic. After taking a rest, and lowering the saw to my dad, who was surprising quiet through the whole ordeal,(I later found out he was arguing with himself about letting me go up that high in the first place)I came to the decision that taking my shirt off earlier in the day, to show my pale skin some sunshine was probably one of my worst ideas in months. For the only way in which to get from point A to point B,(A being where I was, B where I needed to get 15 feet away) was to shimmy down the tree, bear style, till my feet got to that next limb. Lets all think about this senerio. Bare stomach and arms, tired stomach and arms, 15 feet, oak tree. All of this added together makes for a memorable Fourth of July for sure. In fact it has been a memorable 5-7th of July as well, as I am reminded of my stupidity every time I move. Well, I hope all of you listened to yourselves better then I did this past holiday. I know that I will be paying way more attention to dummy face in the future. Until next time.
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