Monday, November 16, 2009

Moveams - pronounced moo-veems

Is this a movie or is this a dream? A movie definitely would not have a tiny Twin Engine Cessna plane maneuvering between falling buildings after taking off of a runway that fell apart as it took off would it? I think that that would be saved for a dream, yet this was in a movie I paid good hard earned money to see over the weekend. It had at least 15 other similar scenarios in which the main character, John Cusack, out runs, drives and flys, the end of the earth as we know it. Not once did they arrive anywhere, where all of a sudden, the the earth tried to swallow them up and not once did they fail to escape with just a split second to spare. I can not even formulate dreams with this kind of action. I had a dream last night in which I was playing basket ball with legends of the game but instead of a basketball, I remember we were playing with a giant Saltine Cracker like it was completely normal. But to me this dream was just as realistic as 2012 was on a whole. That is why I believe that 2012 cannot be considered just a movie. I believe it needs another term. And since I contacted no one else but myself for this blog, I have decided that the term would be a Moveam. pronounced moo-veeem. I hope I do not have to explain this but incase I do, I just took Movie and Dream and sandwiched them together like a taco creation at Taco Bell. And just like most of Taco bells tacos it might be a bad idea but also intriguing enough to give it a try.

I should say that I do love movies and have probably spent a total of 2/5th of my life lost in the wonders of a movie. For me, what makes a great film is if the picture can make me suspend belief that these people are getting paid millions of dollars to act, and make me feel as if I am watching real life. Even your over hyped/over budgeted/overacted big action movies, if done right, can make me feel as if it is really happening. I like to put myself in the movie while it is playing and if I am comfortable then I can rally enjoy the movie. I love to get lost in movies. Basically run free on the sets(which in my mind are real) and absorb the feelings and actions that are being portrayed. But when a movie takes it too far into unrealistic, I feel I am basically left wishing I had not spent the price of a glorious Chinese Buffet on a movie.

2012 left me feeling this was. I can get lost in a multitude of different movies even bad ones if they do not go over board on dreamlike. Take for example the Matrix. They made me feel all of that was possible. 2012 made me slightly believe that the earth will completely cave in on itself and buildings will hurl into each other. But I could not concentrate on that decent part of the film due to the fact that 4 people out of 9 billion people were able to escape this horrendous death. OK, once or twice to make for some drama could be acceptable, but not 37 times. (I did lose track after 3 so I could be off a bit)

Well I am not sure I made it clear, so I will just spit it out. If I had a rating system for my feelings about a movie this one would only get one and a half out of the possible five. The one and a half comes because my favorite character in the film, the earth, did a fantastic job at it's one job, which was to destroy itself. It was amazing to see some of those screens on the big screen, so if you do decide to go view this dream of a movie, see it on the big screen. Just don't fall asleep, you never know what might happen in your dreams while at a moveam.

Until next time.

One more thing. I have to give a plug out for I really like that search engine and I like how they have a new picture every day, so that has inspired me to end each blog with a picture.

Did he lose a contact?

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Blogs are like ....

Blogs are like a football team. ----- Much like a powerhouse football team there will be some off seasons. A lot like the last few years, where my blog has been in multiple off seasons.

Blogs are like a famous actor. ------ Much like a A-list actor they will have some flops and have to reinvent themselves to become relevant again. Much like my blog, although it was a D-list blog, needs a good reinventing to become unrelevant again.

Blogs are like a flashlight. ----- Much like a flashlight that has run out of battery life, and needs new batteries for it to function. My blog as well needs new topics and thoughts to ramble about so it can function properly.

Blogs are like a pint of beer. ----- Much like a beer is much better when there are multiple beers around to be shared makes it much more fun. My blog too needs more then just an occasional one time post. Multiply posts will lead to more good times.

Blogs are like a camera in Vegas. ----- Much like a camera in Vegas helps preserve the memories of a 4 day, 7 total hours or sleep trip to Vegas. A blog tends to help preserve the silly ramblings that my multiple personalities converse about regularly.

So with this in mind. I should have thousands of things to blog about since i have had roughly 3 posts in a two and a half year span. I thought about writing a novel blog that would catch you up with every thought I have had over the past 2 years but I have decided it is best to just start new and change the batteries, fill up the pint, grab the camera and start a new season of my blog.

So in the tradition of horrendous spelling and run on sentences, I will make it my goal to be on here as often as possible letting each of the none of you to sit in the stands and read me on. I know it is lofty thinking but I am hoping that by the end of December that I will have had at least 13 people read one post, shattering my old record of 6, and will have blogged at lest 15 updates.

So what will my new season entail, I am sure you have yet to even think to ask yourself. I will tell you. I will be giving movie, television and book critiques. And as you will have just noticed in that last sentence I will be using words that i will undoubtedly had to consult a dictionary to spell and understand. The batteries I have envisioned for this new blogger role I hope work like the batteries in the commercials on TV that run the astronauts stuff in space, cause I do not want this to be a one pint episode/party/blog. Just for purposes of comparison, I want this to be a massive party. Stories flying everywhere, gossip hanging out with imagination, truth spilling a pint of thoughts on lies, exaggeration trying to sneak out the door with tall tale. A late night, zero sleep, I-need-to-be-at-work-in-a-few-hours party of words that basically keep to from doing something your suppose to for 5 minutes. Now where's that camera?

Until next time.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

The Ballad of Boris and his Blog

What is better then a three day weekend? Yes! I week off work. What is better then a whole week off work? Yes! Three weeks and a day off of work. That is what I experienced a few months back. I traveled to Europe. Great time, but what is better then three weeks and a day off of work? No, not a girlfriend, don't rub it in! It is actually having one year, two months and twelve days off of work. My blog had this privilege. Which in turn gave you few people that have ever read this one year two months and twelve days off of sympathy reads. But we are both back and recharged. Well, when I say recharged I mean that we have had a sit down and have hammered out a new contract. And when I say contract I mean we have decided to reunite for one time to see if we still don't have it. We split ways a year two months and twelve days ago after having an argument that I will save you the drama by paraphrasing it as creative differences. I had huge plans for her, she thought I was inapt as a manager. Well, we could find no middle ground and decided it was time to split ways.
Months passed and not a thought was thought about each other. I could care less my blog was on her own. She said some hurtful things and I was not about to just grovel back to her. Unable to write I had to filter ideas out through other means. I daydreamed for a solid 6 months. I had it down to a science. OK, honestly I had it down pretty good before this time, but now I had to be in the top .02 percentile. I got to the point where I did not even miss my blog. I started going a little crazy though. (no jokes please) I would find myself writing a few words down on a napkin at lunch, jotting a few words down on sticky notes at work, just scribble really but I was writing stuff down. I kept this up for months. I could not control it. Non of it was legible, non of it made since. Non of it was what i was used to writing. I could not combine two sentences. This shot me down a slipper slope for the following months.
A year had passed since I had seen my blog. I found myself thinking about her. Missing her. I had resorted to sratching choppy sentences with rough topics in bathroom stalls. How could I write without her. I had lost my will to even daydream, for I could not find a way to express them. I needed to find her. I needed to find my blog. I spent the next two months searching, reading, skimming. I found many blogs that reminded me of her, but still could not find my blog.
Twelve more days passed before I finally found my blog. (ok, so I finally remembered my password) I was happy to see her. She seemed indifferent. But i took that the fact that she did not walk away and did not have any new material next to her as a good thing. Our first conversation went something like this...
Boris: hay"
Blog: "Hey, dummy. How have you been?"
Boris: i hav ben ok i guss how r u dooing,
Blog: "Look at you, you look terrible. I have been great. I have traveled, I have tried out at least 60 other ideas over the past year..."
Boris: 60, woW u hav ben bizy. did yo eVr theenk of Me i thoght...
Blog: "No!"
Boris: "Reely, I mean we did sum
Blog: "Well, I am not being entirely honest. I didn't think of you for the first year, all these new ideas that I was trying from other people that I was trying were so fun, and interesting, exhilarating, mind blowing, unbelievably se..."
Boris: "I get tha pixter, your poiNt
Blog: "Yeah, as great and rich as all these ideas seemed, and they were great, they still could not make up for that one thing that that I started to miss."
Boris: "iS it Me...
Blog: "You interrupt too much, Yes it is you. I missed the simplicity of your ideas. The small mindedness of your thoughts. I missed how easy it was to make you change your thoughts to how I wanted it to be."
Boris: "Thanks! I tink."
Blog: "We made a good team, everyone could see it. But I thought I wanted to explore other thoughts. I could tell you some crazy thoughts that were given to me, some even in foreign langua..."
Boris: "Howbout knot, goe baCk to da peart aboot us mackin a gud teem."
Blog: "But I could never get it out of my head, the pair we were. I was read by so many people with some of these thoughts, I was put on petastles, but taken advantage of. It made me miss your simple thoughts and the fact only 5 people know about us.
Boris: "One thogt hade 12 reeders...
Blog: "Well still my point, that is what I have missed. That is what I realize I want. A quite life with your thoughts away from the public eye."
Boris: "Already, just fiNding you my thoghts are getin cleerer. Does thiS meen we are back two beinG a teem?"
Blog: "Well, lets start off slow. And probably shouldn't tell anyone because your thoughts are quite a mess right now."
Boris: "No one, reads this anywheys. Can we starte today?'
Blog: "I guess, dummy"

Until next TiMe.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Rock Bands, Toasts and Happily Ever After

Wow, it is weird to be back in front of a keyboard, rambling through my thoughts. Taking this much time off from writing a blog has had a few profound effects on me. First, it has caused me to have the worst writers block I have ever had, basically since August. Second, it has caused me to face the real fact that no one really cared a blog has not been written. Even my mom has said that she was happy I was not wasting so much time on fruitless nonsense, and was hoping I had been concentrating more on bringing a nice baptist girl home for a family dinner and make an announcement about our future. This was not the case however. I found much more fruitless nonsense to eat up my time. In no particular order I will list a few things that have taken up precious blogging time. I have learned the fine art of Frisbee Golf, worked on the soulja boy dance, watched every episode of nearly ever television show produced over the last 8 years on my ipod, cataloged my empire of dvd's so meticulously that even I think I am a raging dork, have gone to bed before midnight every work night for almost 4 months straight(which is a record for me that I have broken every work night past the 2 day mark), and probably most pathetic of all I have become a video game addict. Admitting this of course, further puts off my moms dream of that family dinner with talks of a new family member joining the "circle of trust."
Video games and me have never been good friends, and it has been for one simple fact. I suck at them. I get beat by everyone at every game and so I could find it easy to not get addicted. Well no more my friends. It started slowly a few years ago when I bought a Play Station Portable(PSP). All I ever played was Tiger Woods golf against myself so I kept winning. And the fire was started, and now fast forward to the last two months when the game Rock Band was introduced to me and I now can not stop playing until my fingers are nearly unrecognizable and my eyes are red and blurry it looks as if I had just been dumped by my high school sweetheart all over again. This game, links two passions that I have never had any skills at, music and video games(I know your exspecting a joke here about my other passion that could fit this criteria, but your not going to get one, come up with your own and send it to me), and combines them into a single delightful competitive crack type addiction. I will have you know that I was, at one point, better then any of my friends at Rock Band and I will hold bit of that pride with me forever. They are all better then me now however, so I have had had time to work on other things. Like ...
Giving a toast. Ok, I am a relatively tough guy. I am scared of little. Standing in front of peers and giving a speech though is definitely not my favorite thing to do. I would venture as far as saying I would rather be dropped Indiana Jones style into a dark cave of snakes then be involved with public speaking. But I got to conquer that fear head on this past month by giving a toast to one of my best friends at his rehearsal dinner and wedding reception. It is widely known that 80% of my 10 closest friends are still single, so wedding preparation is not something I have not had to deal with the past 30 years. I actually worried about my responsibilities of being best man. I unfortunately leaned on my study skills from college when preparing. I waited until the last minute to even look up anything on what I was to do. First thing on the list was to give a toast. That was not fun. But it was also at the same time. It was a time of reflection on the good times we have had in the past, how great a girl he has found to live the rest of his life with, and how much he has changed since she has put the vice grips on his life(I should state here, all the changes were good ones). I made it through both speeches by the way. Much like my video game playing I was not very smooth at them but with 80% of my buddies still to get married maybe there will be some more chances.
Speaking of chances, I was given one last chance to take my buddy out on the town before his big day. His finance gave me that dead eye look and stated something about the vice grip she has been using was loose compared to what she is capable of, and that is I did not get her husband to be to the alter the next morning I would be in deep s.... trouble. I am a relatively tough guy. Very little scares me. But this statement did. And although we may have pushed the envelope a smidge, the groom was at the alter on time, even early, waiting for his beautiful bride to march down to isle to start her dominance over, I mean to start their life together. Which if any one knows(and Ill change their names for privacy)Carl and Angelina, they will live a blessed life, full of love and laughter and spend every single second together happily ever after.

Until next time.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

A Well Rounded Party

What comes to mind when you think of something that is 12 FEET in circumference, 42" in diameter, weights in at just under 30 pounds and produces enough grease to run a car for a decade? If you just answered my waist line, you are not funny. In fact you are not even close, I checked. Turns out you can fit five of my waists comfortably inside this area. Ok, give up?
It happens to be a pizza from Big Lou's Pizza, and it is no joke. This pizza was incredible. My first thought was it had to be invented by Willy Wonka in his wonderful castle, but when Big Lou himself came and told us he himself made it, I took his word for it and preceded to way over fill two large paper plates with just one slice. The discussion that our table mainly centered on was trying to guess how many calories had to be festering right under that golden cheese. The consensus was that it was just a couple of hundred under 5 million calories. I ate, I sweat, I shifted in my seat pretending to clear room, I ate more, filled my plates up a second time, I ate even more, I sweat more, I shifted more, I slowed down and after using 35 napkins, a tub of ranch and a bottle of crushed red peppers, I stopped. I realized that somewhere between the 23rd bite and my final bite(67) I should have stopped.
That is an incredibly long story to lead into what I dreamed about last night. I dreamed about a huge fun party that had lots of guests. That was an incredibly short transition thought. Anyways, driving home from eating 7 pounds of pizza I tried thinking about this party again, but all I could think of was pizza. And then it clicked. Pizza and Parties are almost identical. They are both great fun at any age. They both are extremely versatile. And they both both start with p. But I would like to take it about six more steps further. How do you start a party?
CRUST/DOUGH - Every party has a host. Every pizza has a crust. It is what holds both the party and the pizza together. Usually it would be the person with the nicest house or the most "dough" that hosts parties. There can be many types of crust to a pizza. Same with a party. Lets say you want a fun out doors party with not too many boundaries, the pizza equivalent would be a crispy crust with the pizza toppings and all running right to the edge. A stuffed crust pizza likes to contain the toppings a bit more so it has the wall around the pizza, same with a house party. You have to have the Host/Crust. But what does the host need the most?
SAUCE - The host can not do all the work by themselves. They need help. And when they do they call on their closest friends to come help. This would be like the sauce, a perfect complement to any crust. These friends get there a few hours early to get every thing set up. This is why sauce for a pizza is always made in advance and is always the first one ready to meet up with the crust. Just these friends and the host could have their own party, and they doo all the time. Just like bread sticks and sauce is always good to have too. But were having a party! What do we need?
CHEESE - Cheese is the element that really turns this gathering of a few close friends into a party. The cheese would be the party starter/maintainer. This is the drinks, the games or the activities of the party. Cheese on a pizza helps melt all the elements of a pizza together. In a party, the drinks help melt away inhibitions and shyness, the games help melt away any reservations. Games mixed with drinks are great way to get any party started in a fun way and keep everything feeling good through out. I think this is why just good friends get together a lot and play games. That is why I think the classic cheese pizza is so popular. But what does any party need to really become a full fledged party?
TOPPINGS - Just like a pizza, a party should only get as big as the host can handle. That is why this is such a wide open field. There are so many kinds of toppings to put on a pizza, just like there are so many kinds of people you can invite to a party. Like an all veggie pizza seems to me would be like an all jammies dress girl gab fest ending with bed jumping and pillow fights. Like wise a meatsa measta pizza, would as you guested would be a play station playing, arm wrestling, smelly guys night. A true party for all would be the supreme pizza. That way you have every kind of person accounted for which makes for such fun. There is always the loud and crazy person that I would assume would be that spicy Italian sausage. Every party has the quiet person that never seems to mingle much, and that would be like the mushrooms that seem to blend in with the meats and have not much taste. But mainly everyone just hangs out together and has a good time. I never see my pizza toppings complain. But wait... Parties are never that smooth you always have people going off into their own comfort groups right?
SLICES - Like a pizza has slices so a party has clicks. It is just nature. Some clicks have all the "toppings" represented in their "slice," but a lot of times certain slices are picked clean of unwanted "kinds of people." When people eat a supreme pizza there is almost always something you want to pick off. Same at a party. There always seems to be some kind of issue going on at each gathering and in each "slice" of people that has someone feeling left out. And just like on a pizza it usually falls to that lonely place on the pan or cardboard. But a lot of times other people see that lonely "person" and decide they want that extra bit on their slice and they invite that "topping" over. So there are always a couple instances at every party that seem to make the night go one way or the other. What could do this to a pizza/party?
EXTRAS - Pizza was invented to be eaten just as it is. A round delicious treat. Same with a party. A good wholesome time. But both the pizza and the party have a long history of "extras" coming into play. The pizza for instance, now has parmesan cheese, crushed red pepper, garlic butter and many other sauces that one can add to it. A party has drinking games. I am sure there are more examples but I have drwn a blank. I am not saying that these extra sauces are bad for the "pizza" but they seem to give the party a different feel then they had at the beginning. I guess lumped in with extras could be the whole cold pizza similarity as well. Once a party has gone deep into the night it seems to come to a standstill, only parts of slices of pizza are left the original barricade of crust that had kept everyone together has given up and gone to bed. It is down to just one or two "clicks" of pizza left mulling about. What could possible happen to this party now?
TO-GO BOX - Party is over. Go home. Pizza is closed up in its container and will not feel right the next day. It won't look right the next day. Not until the dough gets back together with the sauce and cooks up another great party!

Until next time.

Monday, June 11, 2007

Blogging Beats Boardom's Butt (10x's)

I think I am the only person to notice that April and May came and went and I never posted a blog. While it did not quite create the epic uproar that I was ever-so-slightly expecting, it did give me a long period of time to go through situations, do stupid things, and think about life altering ideas in which I could blog about for at least a week. (A quick side note: I just realized that while I have considered myself as coordinated enough to chew gum, send a text message, and blot up spilled Big Red off my crotch, all while driving 80mph down the highway using my knee to steer; I am unable to write a blog and have the radio on. Every thought I have seems to be replaced by the endless number of Rascal Flats songs on the mySpace page that is open in another window!)
I have not really come up with ten ideas yet, but I just this second have decided to list in no particular order ten things that I have been up to that I think you might find some what interesting. Who am I kidding?! Haha My mom will probably even skip this blog. I'll start at ten so it will be easy to count down to the end. That way even if you are board, you will always gain hope with each diminished number. Ok ok I'll start.
10. I HAD A BIRTHDAY - Way back at the beginning of April in fact. I turned 29. I also turned pale and sick, because I had always assumed that once I got to 29 I would in fact just automatically turn into an adult. Not true as it turns out. The opposite is true. When you wait this late in life to grow up, it is way harder. An entire 15 point blog could be inserted right here and I am tempted to cut in and attempt it, but that would involve dedication, organization, willpower, logic, wisdom and perseverance; and we all know non of that happens until we turn 30.
9. I HAD A BREAK - People go through life trying to make luck happen for themselves, by using their savings to buy lotto tickets, play slot machines and getting hair plugs. I have been known to hit the Craps table in search of turning my last $50 bucks into a million. But I learned while in Houston attending a Spurs vs Rockets game that good fortune can find you when you least expect it. I had had a few adult beverages before the taxi dropped us off in front of the arena, yet the person meeting us with out tickets was not there yet, and would not for twenty minutes. While I emphasize I am not a physics major or a architect, I would like to point out that I know the human bladder is not 60 onces, and basketball arenas do not place restrooms outdoors. This left me pale and scared. I proceeded to desert my friends and search for a place, any place that was dark enough to not be seen... oh crap by these two people coming up to me, what do they want...? And that is when my break came. It was, and for privacy sake I will use the names Mary and Joseph, and they had two extra tickets to the game, and they offered them to me. I not caring if they were nose bleed tickets or what, took them in haste because I knew that these tickets were my ticket to the restrooms that were on the inside of the arena. Just as the most relieved face I have ever caused my forehead and cheeks to muster, it was followed quickly by a happy face. The tickets I was given not only would grant me to the most needed porcelain of my life, it would grant me permission to sit the one row away from the Spurs bench. If I would have noticed the price on the ticket before hand I most likely would have whetted myself and sold the tickets and went an bought 600 Lotto tickets.
8. I HAD A BUMP - I thought about using the phrase, I had a bumper and hood press the bumper in front of me. But that would have sucked, and the only thing that can suck in this paragraph are my after lunch day dreams. I learned a valuable lesson. When trying to picture that hammock set between two palm trees, on some remote island with blue blue seas and white white sand, and the bucket of Corona within hands reach, do not close your eyes. Especially while driving. Especially while driving on a busy street in traffic. Save these thought for once you got back to work and the customer in front of you is reaming you out for sending her package to the wrong state.
7. I HAD A BOOK IDEA - This could have very easily have been a blog idea, but the scope of it was so big and basically vague that it would have been way longer then even this blog looks as if it will be. If I can just skim the preface for the book in one sentence with multiple comas you would be lucky. But most likely it will take many sentences, all of which filled with unnecessary comas. Never mind I don't want to tell you the idea, for it could be stolen. Ok, It is about travel yet I would never leave the computer. But that is all I will say.
6. I HAD A BLOB APPEAR - If no one has learned this lesson on their own in there own time, I will let you in on a secret. If you never go to the gym, eat to the point of sweating, and sit down 90% of the time you are awake each day, you too will notice a blob. I at first tried containing it to just around my rib cage, but the longer this blob sits there the the more it tends to grow. I like to consider this last few months as my working on my "before picture" and I will stop eating and start going to the gym tomorrow. Yes I did say that in a blog in February as well, I was just seeing if you were paying attention. And yes, I introduced that thought in a blog back in November. Tomorrow is just month away.
5. I HAD A BRUISE - Everyone knows there are certain things that you just do not do. Don't poke sticks at sleeping bears, don't forget deodorant on a first date and don't buy the cables those guys at Best Buy try to sell you when you purchase a TV. While these are obvious, I must have missed the life memo that would have let me know that it is a bad idea to try to learn how to ride a skateboard in ones late twenties. I did just this. I did just this poorly. Inside on concrete, with no protective devices, and while not covered under health insurance, I attempted to do what I assumed was a novice move and spin in a 360 degree motion. 80 degrees into the spin I managed to put a nice mark on the wall, and I found the one spot on my torso that the Blob had not padded yet! Now even the pressure of underwear with no elastic left in the band, feels like a tiny hammer hitting my lower back/upper hip area. Don't think about that too long, just read on.
4. I HAD A BLAST - I believe there are certain rights of passage one must go through in life. Your first steps, word, haircut, your first pet, car, job. But there is one more I never encountered as a child but got the opportunity to a month ago. Ha ha no it is not my first kiss. It is my first lock-in. I was invited to be a chaperon at a lock-in at The Incredible Pizza Factory. While the pizza was less the incredible, the fact that middle school kids want nothing to do with chaperons was great. This aloud me become the biggest kid there(in more then one way). As soon as the night was over I got on the internet and scoured for a job that needed someone to drive go carts, shoot mini basketballs, and play video games all night long, because I realized that I am really good at it.
3. I HAD A BRAIN FART - Mainly I just wanted to incorporate this word into a blog. I laugh when I say this word out loud. You say it out loud now and see if you do not do the same. BRAIN FART. hahahah I actually had so many brain farts over the past few months that I can not cover them all, so I will cover the one I felt stunk the most. HAHA When circumstances leave you having just a few clothes, it would make since that you take care of those clothes to the best of your ability. Well, I did. Until two nights ago. Let me first explain that I have a rotation I use when wearing shirts. I tend to wear jeans a few times over but always have a clean shirt. This rotation consists of 9 shirts. Four white shirts, four fading darker shirts and a new bright blue shirt. Well, I don't know how you do laundry but I have learned the basics and know that you wash whites/light colored stuff together and and wash dark colored things together. My brain fart came late at night when I noticed the floor of my room was covered in nine shirts and three pair of jeans. I had to work in the morning! I then made the choice that has put four of my shirts on the disabled list. I threw them all in the wash together on warm water setting. The only shirt to be truly unscathed was the bright blue shirt, thought from the amount of blue on the other shirts, I am amazed that there is any blue left on it. BRAIN FART. hahaha
2. I HAD A BURN - OK, point three dealt with the color blue. This one deals with the color "oh my god! Does that hurt as bad as it looks Red" I was in Wal-mart with two friends gathering the essentials for a day of tubing on the river. Essentials of course are beer, coolers, ice, Spurs koozies, and a Spurs window flag, and McDonald's togo. I believe at one point of the shopping spree the following conversation took place.
Friend 1: "We need to get some sun screen."
Friend 2: "I agree."
Me: "Why?"
Friend 1 & 2 together: "Because we will burn if we don't"
Me: "Well, I don't want any, I like to start the summer off with a real good baking so that I have a good base for the rest of the summer!"
Friend 1: "That is dumb."
Friend 2: "I agree, here is some sunscreen here, it says SPF 55"
Me: "If we are going to get any, it can't be that high! I bet there is more sunscreen by the beer"
Friend 1: "That is dumb."
Friend 2: "I agree."
I could go on for another 45 minutes worth of dialog, but the finale of it is that we forgot to buy sunscreen at all and I refused to even borrow any. I floated on what could be described as a round open flamed oven for 4 and 1/2 hours, somehow avoiding the shade from trees like the bubonic plague. My chest, stomach, shoulders, thighs, knees, shins and feet now are the shade of red as I described earlier. Well that is what others call it. I call it the "next time I am going to wear a long sleeve shirt and jeans when tubing red".
1. I HAVE A BLANK - Yes, I have drawn a blank. So I will resort to childish humor. BRAIN FART! hahahah

Until next time.

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Srinking Shorts and Soaking Shirts

What is the one thing 80% of overweight people and 100% of people who are not really overweight but think they are want? My first instinct answer was Ritz crackers with canned cheese sprayed on it to overflowing. But after a survey of ten people, all of which I assumed were in the category of people who are not really overweight but think they are, unanimously answered with "to lose weight." I next decided to do a personal test. I tried on last summer's swimsuit, and gave up when it could not be pulled past my knees. Needless to say I put myself in the category of overweight people and answered my survey with "lose alot of weight fast!"
I had to first get to the bottom of what happened to me for my not getting that swimsuit past my knees. I know that I have really only been donating money to the gym I used to go to most days each month. I know I now spend the time I usually spend at the gym growing into a computer desk chair watching endless clips on YouTube in between bites of Taco Bell gorditas(t6 meal). I know that lately when the feeling creeps into my head that I should go out side and do something active on, lets say a Saturday because it is sunny and 75 degrees, I have been choosing to dim the lights in the house grab a gallon of Blue Bell ice cream, crumble half a bag of Oreo Cookies and pour Hersey's Syrup all over it and watch Discovery Channel in High Def(side note: That Planet Earth series nearly knocked Dumb and Dumber from the number one spot in my list of shows that I can watch over and over in one day and not get board.) I also know that the past 5 months or so at work in stead of standing all day like I have done for the 5 and 1/2 years before, I now found my self sitting on a stool when I am not helping customers. This I figured weighed heavy in my quest to find out the reason my lime green swim suit with a stitched logo of Elmo in a Snorkel on the left leg of the .... wait a minute... I didn't have a lime green swim suite last year!! It was red! I immediately run back up the stairs grabbed the suite in could I have been so dumb? I must have grabbed my nephews suit. The relief I felt was short lived. I found my true swim trunks minutes later, and while they did pull up to my waist, I noticed that the only reason I got it to my waist was because I sucked in and had not been breathing for the past three minutes. Time to get a new suit.

What do %99.9(cause there is always the freaks)of people absolutely despise to the core of their very body and sole? Satan seems to be the obvious answer here. But the survey I didn't have the time or need to ask anyone else except my five personalities came to the conclusion that in fact only 72% of people hate satan, and coming in first was non other the typical job interview. I have only heard that these things were ulcer causing worry-fests but I had always considered that blown way out of proportion. I mean how hard can it be to just sit back at chit-chat about something . I mean I do it all the time talking about my San Antonio Spurs or Survivor highlights but I had never had one of these until this week. That is why I now am a firm believer in the truth that these things certainly require serious preparation if not total avoidance.
It is a great idea I know to go into the interview prepared to talk about yourself in a positive and downright bragful way. Another good idea is to do research on the job you are applying for and to have a plethora of questions ready to try to remember at the end of the torture...I mean interview. Dressing up for the interview seems to be the norm too so I made sure to find a nice tie and shirt and matching socks. But the most important thing and I can not emphasize this enough or with more passion, but choosing your undershirt is probably the most important of all tasks when getting ready to go to an interrogation... I mean interview. I feel close enouph to you readers that I can let you know that I tend to wear a nice sleeveless thin "wife-beater" type undershirt in my regular life, and I was prepared to carry on this tradition under my nice shirt and tie. But one hour before interview as I was dressing I began to notice a few things. One, the feeling that this was going to be a piece of cake had turned into a feeling I was going to be cut to pieces like a birthday cake at a party for Rosie O'Donnell. Crap. Second, that comfortable right out of the shower feeling I had, was now getting replaces by an uncomfortable, "why is my stomach making noises like that?" feeling. Double crap. And that smile of anticipation quickly was turning to a "how am I sweating already while standing under the ceiling fan on high?" face. The very hard to obtain in any situation, triple crap! I had to do something quick. I was racking my brain for an idea. That is when I thought about every first date I have had. Ok Ok and second through 5th. What was the one thing that saved me? Yes, that 400% cotton ultra thick Hard Rock Cafe shirt I got in London. That shirt was definitely used in the brainstorming sessions when some dorks got together to discuss the design and texture of the Shammy. So to cut to the long overdue point, I did make the decision to retrieve this shirt from the bottom drawer due to it has not been used in some time, and wear it for my first interview. And let me tell you that was right up there with not parting my hair down the middle any more, as one of the best decisions I have ever made. For, and I am sure I could fill a blog about it, my interview lasted one and a half hours under what must have been the most powerful 70 watt light bulb ever produced. If the interview would have been 10 minutes longer I would have had to resort to that uncomfortable posture in which I turn my body in such a way where the dry parts of my shirt would cover the ever growing soggy parts. That would have for sure been the world record. Quadruple crap! Time to wash my shirt.

Until next time.

p.s. The new color scheme is not meant to confuse. It is my clever and unclever at the same time, attempt of showing support for the Spurs as they go for their fourth title in nine years. GO SPURS GO!

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

What Happens When You Stay Up Too Late.

It is a little known fact that I stay up way too late way too often. The reason it is a little known fact, is because the only people that know it are the same seven people that have ever read this. But just to reiterate, I have what can be considered a slight problem with staying up later then I should. I mean it is OK to stay up late if you have some important business to take complete. But I tend to make myself stay up doing basically nothing but stare at the computer or the TV. It seems I have a secret agenda going on to turn my eyes a permanent shade of bloodshot. Tonight just happened to be another one of those nights. I have used these nights to pretty much perfect surfing. No not the one that makes you blond, tan and muscular. That one that makes you gray, pale and saddle-baggish. I have attempted to find the ends of the internet and I believe I have come close tonight. It gave me the idea to try something new on the blog. And that was to post a few of the utter insanity that keeps me up at night. Enjoy.

I like music, and I like music videos. But this I am going to have to say was a bad mix.

I like movies, and I like fight sceens but I am going to have to say this was a bad mix.

I would like to think my dashboard playing while driving is nearly this good but I am not sure I could back that up.

Last one I swear. Another person that stays up to late. I really need to sleep if this is the next step.

I promise to not do that to you again. Well, all seven of you.

Until next time.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

How to write a blog.

I know it is not polite to start a paragraph with I, but I just did it, and I did it because I can. That is the power I have over not only my hands to make them type the capital i, but also over the format and topic of this and every blog I create. This is truly the one and only thing I have complete control over. Ok, so I do depend on one million computer dorks that are in a basement somewhere making sure that the internet works. But as far as what I write and what I don't write, I have the final say. Thinking on this has empowered me a bit. I wish I could have that kind of control in other areas of my life, but I will take what I can, and the fact that in the span of a little over two years I have been doodling on this thing no one has had any influence on it except me! Of course no one has ever read it, but that is beside the point. I know that there are allot of bloggers out there, but I don't see why blogging is not more popular hobby. I know you are thinking about the fact that 95% of the blogging population are 28 year old males, living at home and are a scary shade of pale white, but that is beside the point. Writing a blog is easy. Given if you are a terrible speler and penmenship is not your best tallent, it can get frustrating, I still think it is about the easiest thing in one's life to do. I know you are pondering, it is only easy because it does not involve going on first dates and meeting people, but that is beside the point. It is a hobby in which you are in a position to do things how you want and, depending on how often you write a blog, how how often you want. You are basically your own boss. I have found however the pay is nothing, and the hours tend to cause Walmart bag shaped blackness under the eyes. These are such little set backs that I can still not fathom that blogging has not become a hit among "cool" people. I came to a quick awful conclution that it is possible that blogging is not cool. I quickly squashed that thought(because I am in charge mind you), and decided it is because no one has ever really take the time to share with all non-bloggers exactly how to write a blog. So I came up with a few guidelines that may help you start a hobby that will help you lose that unwanted tan. Here are just four easy steps, because too many more and even I would stop reading.

1. BUILD an IDEA - An idea is not formed from an imaginary friend sitting on your shoulder telling you what to write about, unless of course you are 28 living at home and are a scary shade of pale white. But that is beside the point. A idea for a blog needs to be built. It can start at any time during the day, most likely when you least exspect it. You will know when you have an idea, because you think about this idea for more then a few seconds. There are blogs I suppose that go on and on about what you think about the hot person in the car next to you so be careful what you let start being a thought you want to build. I usually am driving and thinking. Ok, so I am usually thinking no matter what I am doing so I get ideas in my head constantly, but sometimes one hits me with such force that I, blink, shut my jaw and I ponder this thought. I play with it all day. I usually obsess over it right up until I get to the computer, and then I go blank. This is just me though. I suggest you hold onto the thought until you have finished the next three steps.

2. LIKE your IDEA - A blog will not be written if you do not like the subject of your blog. No matter what you are writing about make sure you like it. I think this is real important. The reason this is important i found is that you might be the only person to read your blog. So make sure it is something you like. I have been a fledgling blog writer for well over 23 months, and the total number of readers to have commented in the blog are 7. While this is 700% more then 99% of blogs I always aim to reach more readers. This is why I have considered paying people to read it.

3. OPINIONATE you IDEA - Each day I am almost certain everybody in the world has the exact same idea as at least 10 other people at any given time. So when it comes time to blogging about this idea you need to make it your own by adding your opinion. The great thing about opinions is that they put your own personal twist on an idea. Make the blog your own. If you want a serious blog about the politics of global warming you can do that, but just to warn you, you will never reach 7 readers status. Not unless of course, you add some opinions that spice up the old boring earth is dying talk. You can even make up your opinion if you get stuck. That is the beauty of writing your own blog. Not everything has to be correct, you do not need to cite sources for your research. Make the blog your own by making it one of a kind, or just add a catch phrase to the bottom to make it seem one of a kind.

4. GROW your IDEA - No one like a short little blog that they can skim through and be done with in a few minutes and be on to their day. Well I hope not anyways. Readers want to hear about a small paltry idea that they can tell you like, that they can tell your opinionated about but most importantly that you can go on and on about. I find this the easiest part of any blog. In actuality the word idea is short and puny looking but its meaning is endless. Ideas are not meant to be bottled up and shared in fragments. They are meant to be shared in volume until everyone is so glued to the blog and this idea that they can not get it out of their head for the rest of the day, or then again they could hate it. But that is beside the point.

The point it that blogging should be something everyone is proud of. For every single person in the world can blog. Of course to do it right, you need to be one of the 21% of the worlds population that have access to the internet and a computer. You will also need to remember the most important thing before you sit to write your first blog. An Idea.

Build this idea
Like this idea
Opinionate this idea
Grow this idea.

Until next time.

Monday, March 05, 2007

Running and Reading = Old Guy

There are not many nights that I have nothing to say. There are just few nights lately that I have had any time to sit down and bore you. Tonight is another one of those nights, but I am going to do it anyways. I have one of those life changing years so far this year. No, I did not win the lottery, inherit the playboy mansion or get a date. I simply have gotten older with out even turning another year older(yet). This may seem strange but I have traced it to a few things that have happened in my life over the past few months. Unstrangely enough they each start with the letter R.
Running - I have been doing some serious running over the past eight weeks. I have been enjoying it. I have run more then I ever have in my life. I have even paid good money to have someone tell me how fast and how long to run on a tread mill. I know that this seems like a task that should be and is free to 100% of the world, but like $12,000 shoes if people are willing to pay money then there are people that will charge. I am one of these people. I have paid money to be in a running class, in which I wake up earlier then I usually want to, run further then I usually want to, but I have felt better then I am usually used to. So you may be wondering, "why does this make you feel old Kevin?" Well, being in this class and if I can brag for a second, kicking this classes butt, I have the notion that I, a 28 year old owner of Asics, am in tip-top shape. I just needed a way to prove this, so I entered a flag football tournament. Yes, the same one that I entered last year and I wrote a blog about how much of a wuss I was. Well, I was bound and determined to kick the butt of this tournament, just as I was doing to my running class. I will try to sum this story up in one sentence. After nearly breaking my thumb on the first play, bloodying not just both knees but both elbows, my thigh, shoulder, hip, not to mention having chapped lips I played in five games in one long windy day, finishing the day in the semifinals with a tough loss. Sounds, like just a good tough day of football right? Anyone who has kicked a running classes butt can handle that with ease right? Well that was ten 9 days ago and I had my best morning yet this morning, for I was able to get out of bed and make it to the bathroom without crying and in under thirty minutes for the first time. I was obviously not in shape. Running has helped prove that. If it is running on a rubber surface at a steady speed, I can do it. If it is anything else, I can not. I am old.
Reading - I have been doing some serious reading over the past eight weeks. I have enjoyed reading. Although I have not over come the hurtle of being able to finish a book, I sure have had a good time starting them. I carry a book with me everywhere I go now. If I have a few spare minutes I give that book a good reading. I believe in total I have started 4 books, making it halfway through two of them. While I like to assume I will finish all four of these, it will probably just end up like most of my dates. Wait i just remembered you have to have to go on a date to use dating as an analogy. So back to reading... I have liked getting lost in other peoples words, much like I like getting lost in movies. Reading is fun and it helps keep the mind sharp. So, you may be wondering, "why does this make you feel old Kevin?" Well, the reading has not necessarily made me feel old, it is what I have given up to read. Example, I was just in one of the biggest malls in the world this past weekend in Houston, and instead of doing what most young modestly dorky people do, which is use this time to shop for clothes that make them less modestly dorky, I hung out in the book store for 3 hours and looked through travel books and sipped on a latte. I then bought a book and went and sat outside a trendy looking store and people watched, sitting next two really old men with stains all down their shirt. Not only did this make me feel old and trendy, It caused me to check my shirt for stains. I found two, what looked like drips of latte. I am old.
Being old is not all that bad though...of course i can't Remember why.
Until next time.

Monday, February 19, 2007

First Annual Presidents Day Blog

First New Years then Valentines Day. I guess my motivation to ramble comes only on important days on the American calender this year. President's Day is today in case the three of you were unaware of such knowledge, like almost 80% of the U.S. population is. In my thoughts today, which seem to be at an all time high lately(due largely to nothing), I started, of all things, thinking about this 'holiday'. When did it start and why? Well, I didn't know, and in stead of looking up the answer, I decided to think about something different. I started thinking on what it must take to be President of the United States of America. I asked my self if I thought I could be President. I quickly laughed at myself and told myself that I could not even be president of my five personalities. Don't worry this confused me too. But really, what does it takes to have the nerve and desire to be President of something so big and important? To me, Presidents basically are the most important man in the world, most people hate them for one reason or the other and every phrase, thought and movement is dissected to death on news shows 24 hours a day. What would make some one want this. 'Crazy' seemed to jump to my brain first, but after maybe 2 hours of believing it just takes being crazy to want to be President, another word popped into my dome. 'Leadership'. All the Presidents that I have not read to much about have all had heeps of this. They all seem to be born leaders. But what makes a leader? I of course, wanted to know the answer without looking it up. After making up a few unacceptable answers, I did some research for once. From the qualities I found that make up a leader I wanted to make myself of questioner to determine weather or not I have in me, and in turn the craziness to become president of the free world. I basically wanted to prove my personalities wrong. You can take the quick test too. See if you have what the qualities of a LEADER!
This is a tough one to answer. It is well known that I have more gray hair then my grandma so I have always told myself that this salt and pepper look is really groups of 'wisdom streaks.' So I want to say yes here, but I am afraid that the real reason of all this gray hair is actually due to lack of wisdom in all areas of life. Mainly the area that controls the sense of when to go to bed and not stay up till all hours writing sinceless babble. So I guess this is a 'most likely no'.
I have such bad eye sight that I depend heavily on my contacts and glasses to even see 10 feet. As far as a vision of my life, I would have to describe it more as I have clear daydreams. Is that the same? I have a clear vision of where I want to end up(on my own personal island living in an open air mansion, married to an amazing woman, with 4 perfect children and a large lab named Teddy) The part of the vision that is not so clear, is how the heck to get to that! So I will answer a 'maybe' for this one.
Being a well documented over thinker, making a decision on something seems harder for me then balancing sharpened pencils on my nose. (Yes, surprisingly I am quite good at this) I can think myself out of making decisions that are simple for most people. I blame this on George Bush because that seems to be popular, and I guess I have to answer with a 'no' here.
I think I am a risk taker. I drive with out a seatbelt on way too much. I have gone 7 years without health insurance. And I have invented the 'back in' dance. All of these are risky and dangerous to my health. Since, I don't even understand the last part of the question(I assume uncertain situations are talking about the opposite sex) I will just go out on a thin weak limb high up in the air and answer 'yes' for the sheer risk of it.
I am more in tuned with my strengths and weaknesses then most people. Then again most people are probably not as tough a judge as I am. I like to write yet I have no grammatical tailent. I think a strength is dancing but a weakness is denial. I will say yes to this be cause making things up is a strength.
Blue. Which I think is not good. Most leaders pick red because it stands for power and blood.
Ok, I know you don't want to read anymore questions because you all have gotten them all right so far. I don't want to come up with anymore because the writing is on the wall. I have what looks like a C- on this quiz. So, maybe I am not ready to be President of the United States just yet. But does that even bother me one bit!? Well, to be honest it crushes me. But that is not the point. I feel that leadership is in each of us. Some happen to have so much that it makes others sick. Some have so little it makes themselves sick. Some use their leadership skills to run the nation. Some use their leadership to run a corporation. Some to run a church. Some to run a small business. Some use it to run a gang that kills people. Some though use it to lead just one person. To help just one person. To encourage one person. So on Presidents Day lets remember the 43 Presidents that have been true leaders. Lets also remember that one person, that one leader, that has led us to do something positive with our lives.
Until next time.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

The Valentines Day Blog

Another Valentine Day is here. And if you have followed my blogs or have seen me dance, you are aware of the fact that February 14th is much like February 15th or 13th to me, except I get a heart shaped pancake for breakfast from my mom. I have realized that this week is the two year anniversary of my throwing down some words and posting them for the world to not read. I let you know know last year that my blog has been there for me through the thick and the thin, so I couldn't think of a better way to honor her but to write another blog on this night. I thought about putting together a list of ways to impress that special someone in your life on this Valentines, but I was afraid you would start asking questions and realize i had no idea what I was talking about. I then thought I would maybe explain to you the history of this date, and the meaning behind this day or love. But again, I quickly gave up on that because I had no idea, and my made up explanation would most likely include ponies with angel wings and a long drawn out poem, and I knew I would be laughed at even more then normal. Next I figured if I didn't have anything positive to give you I would just share the heart breaking story of my first love. It should only take two hours of your time. But it would take 4 hours to write, three Kleenex boxes and at least three more months of counseling to finish that story. So, I have decided to go back to my roots and just hit the return key start a new paragraph and just start typing the first thing that comes to the frontal lobe of my thought jammed mega-head.
Do any of you like working out as much as Mr Olympia and Mrs Universe? Do any of you like to interact with the opposite sex as much as Casanova or Debbie? I know at first look these two questions may seem completely unrelated. But to me the two seem to relate in a practical way that is easy to follow.(given it is even easier to follow if you are me) Let me explain why I think working out and dating are quite similar, at least to my frontal lobe they are. First off, I really really like the idea, the concept, the thought and the benefit of working out. It is good for your health and can make you feel better about yourself. I also really really like the idea, the concept, the thought and the benefits of dating. It is good for your health and can make you feel better about yourself. Pretty simple. The thought of dating and working out are both outstanding. I personally am a master at thinking about both. In fact if all it took was thinking about both I would look like Gov. Arnold and I would be a smooth operator in the area of the ladies. But unfortunately it takes more that thinking, so lets move on. Another similarity is they both have endless possibilities. Take dating for example. You basically have your pick of thousands of people to date. You then have thousands of prospects of things you can do with this person on a date. So many places to chose to eat, movies to watch, theater to cat nap in, picnic to really try to impress her with, etc. There is definitely not a shortage of ideas you can come up with in the planning stages of dating. Or the part of dating that I refer to as the wishing stage. The same can be said about the planning stage of working out. There are so many ways in which we can work out our body. Running, weights, sports, etc. All of which are very easy to think about. Mainly because for dating there is no pressure of failure and working out there is no pressure of motivation. This leads me into the other similarity. The actual task at hand. The first time working out or the first time back to working out after a layoff can be brutal. You are still not sure what is going on. I know I must have looked like a deer in headlights when I started working out again. I was uncomfortable and everything seemed foreign to me, probably because most of the women were lifting more then me. And even the white towels they pass out seemed to be two shades tanner then me. Just the first time back is hard hurtle to jump. That is why sometimes it takes a while to go that first time. This is all the same with dating. getting into the game or ever getting into the game can be tough. It is different, and butterflies come with it. I know I must look like a deer in headlights every time I almost get to the point of going on a date. (yes you read that right) It is tough to get back into either of these two things, working out though I have found is much easier, even to the point where I have gotten back into it well over 5 times since I have gotten back into dating. (yes you read that right) Ok, lets move on. So what happens when you work out that first week? You are sore. I know I get extremely sore. I have more energy during the day because my body is getting stronger and healthier but in the first few weeks it is tough because I feel my limbs would feel better if I cut them off and I just became a pillow for the rest of my life. After a few weeks of getting into a routine at the gym you should start feeling good about yourself and working out. This is when you start fine tuning your work out and it starts becoming easier without as much motivation as in the beginning. This is also true in dating, I hear. One you get over the hump and start dating it should become easier and easier. Maybe you date the same person many times and it takes less and less self confidence. Maybe you become a dating machine and you go broke(unless your a girl and you run out of places to stash you jewelry). Both working out and dating have this same positive similarity in that both get easier with more time put into it. They however share a somewhat negative similarity as well. This would be discouragement. When I have worked out for some time, I start to feel good about myself. I think, "Man, I could enter a marathon or a strong man competition!" That is until I look to my left and my right and say, "Man, these girls are still stronger and faster then me!" It can get a tad bit discouraging when you feel you have been trying your hardest and it seems you are having no improvement. This is the same for dating. One can think they have dating down and then you meet someone that makes it seem ten times easier. I know I have met that person almost daily. What makes this person so much better at dating then me? I realized besides the million extra dollars and the confidence mountain on his side, there is nothing anyone has I don't. We are all on an even playing field. (hahah ok so that goes against my thought process for many years) But, it does lead me into a final similarity in our two topics. We all have the ability to go to the gym, to train hard, to focus, to excel, to meet our goals and to feel great about it. We all start off on the same foot when getting into our personal workouts. And that is the first step. Same with dating. It is the first step that everyone has to take, even those extremely popular beautiful people had to take the first step. Given, I think some peoples first step happened precisely at the same time they took their true first step as a baby, yet they had to take one too. So it is fair to say that working out and dating are amazingly similar if you want them to be!
These two actions are actually more similar then I thought when I started this, but I am also sure I could write a blog to share how they are completely different, but hey! I hope everyone has gotten there first steps in and are enjoying this Valentines Day for what it is. A special day thought up by Hallmark to help motivate people to get to the gym, I mean to have a reason to take that step toward dating. It is a special day to share with a person you care for. Just like a workout though, you got to work hard at it to keep it going. So it is really more then one special day, it is one of life's workout routines.
Until next time.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

Ten Tips to Finishing your New Yea...

Happy New Year no one. I am afraid that since it has been so long since I have written a blog my loyal reader or three have stopped even checking this page. But if you are reading this then welcome, and I'll get started now, because I know you can't wait for it to be done already.

Each year we find ourselves staring at a new year with feelings of dumbfoundment, joy and sadness. Well I do anyway, because I am dumbfounded by the thought that a whole year has passed and my goals for that year are 89%* incomplete, yet I am filled with joy because, at the strike of midnight on December 31, it matters no more how many goals I left undone, because of the simple fact that I can just set more easier ones, which in turn makes me feel a bit sad, due to the realization that I was not looking at the past years goals but at five years ago goals, and they were the same as this past year, with one jumping out at me the most, that being to grow up!** I just figure everyone is the same as me, so since I have already laid out some simple tips for creating some goals or resolutions, I figured I would do some research and figure out the best way to get that resolution incompletion percentage down to nothing! A quick recap of the tips for setting goals might come in handy so here they are in very particular order. 1. Keep it Guarded-as we know this keeps first dates from being last dates 2. Keep it Organized-The Container Store*** can not help you with this one, just remember the categories 3. Keep it Available-You don't leave home without your Visa card do you, just keep it near 4. Keep it Logical-no one can be cooler then "The Fonz," so cross that one off the list now. 5. Keep it Simple-remember to make so simple they are almost impossible to not reach!
Since I am not one to make anything up, I have to admit to you that in my research**** I have not come up with adequate method for reaching set goals, so I will in turn make some up, that I am positive will be better then anything on the market. I have whittled down so many ideas into 10 easy tips to help insure that you accomplish more goals then you thought possible. I will start at the bottom of my list.
10. PRETEND - It is not childish to sit and stare out the window for hours thinking on another life, another dream, another goal. I do it all the time. It is called pretending to do something you can't or have not yet done. I think it is important to pretend that you can do your toughest goal. That way when it comes time to meet that goal you will have replayed it in your head so many times it should be easy. I say "should" here because, I have used this method to get a date and it just caused sweaty palms and an awkward "Who are you, creep?" But still I feel this is a sound approach.
9. UNDERSTAND - Sometimes it can be overwhelming to look at your list of goals in late October and see that you have a long way to go to have a respectable goal meeting year. This is when you need to take a deep breath and realize or understand that you are not going to get 100% through the list. It is however, time to re-apply your self and strive to get as many of these done as possible. This is not the advice I have followed in the past. I usually freak out that so much is not done on my list that I quit doing the goals all together and I just stay single.
8. EVOLUTION - Though it has been disproved by God*****, 99% of Republicans and 23% of Democrats, the theory of evolution leaves us with an important goal reaching philosophy. And that is simply that if a goal is just out of reach, yet you are trying really hard, just evolve your goal into something more obtainable. This is made easier if, when you set your goals, use a pencil. This will increase your completion percentage and will also be added to my goal setting tips revised edition. It is ok I believe to change more then once too, as long as you are still working with the goal in mind. I have in the past changed mine from something like, "find Mrs. Right" to "go on date" to "talk to girl" to "chat in chat room with a girl."
7. VICTORY PARTY - Everyone I know loves a good party. So why not throw one for the best reason of all, accomplishing a goal! No matter how small the goal, it is important to celebrate the completion of it. Professional Sports teams throw huge parties when they reach their goal of winning a championship. They have help to accomplish their goals though, coaches, teammates, fans and most importantly the team that lost. So why should you and me not have a grand bash each time we conquer one of our goals. This will help achieve other goals as well because the anticipation of each party. I am also thinking that with all these parties the "evolution" step will not be needed so much in the female category of my goals.
6. INCH-BY-INCH - From the look of every gym in the world****** this week, most people, myself included, believe that goals are a sprint. Quite the opposite is true. It is a marathon and should be treated like such. I have not run a marathon, but I am pretty sure that if I did, I would take it one inch at a time. It is not about the speed in which you get to your goal, but simply making sure you have enough energy to finish the race. So do not fall into the trap that I do and try to do too much right out of the gate. Inch your way along, you will get there. Just think to your self that there is 365 inches in this year, and each day you will be that much closer to reaching a goal. The Inch-by-Inch approach is also how I approach girls I like, but I just end up getting laughed at as I slowly shuffle up with sweaty palms.
5. GENEROSITY - It should be mandatory to use pencils to write resolutions now because if in your journey to complete a goal you surpass your goal, what are you left with?! a resolution that has been not just conquered, but shattered. This is not always good. I do not think it has to be bad though. Would it not be better to give that extra part of the goal to someone that did not quite make it to theirs? Let me explain. This works best with goals such as losing weight, or talking to girls. Let’s say I hit my goal of losing 10 pounds but for some Heaven sent reason I lose 25 pounds. I should be able to give those extra pounds past my goal to someone that has not quite met their goal. Maybe I could trade my extra weight loss to someone that talked to more girls then they set their goal for and we would both be winners. Generosity is key.
4. TEAMWORK - This goes right in hand with the last tip, but it stands on its own because to be honest, it was the only tip on my list that was in every list I read during my research for this blog. Teamwork is important. This means having a group that holds you accountable for your goals and helps you each day to reach your goals, and in turn you help them reach theirs. This is the easiest way to reach some goals. If you are week in some areas of your resolutions ask a buddy or two to help you out and encourage you. Another upside to having a team of friends help you is you have more victory parties to go to, which in turn means your friends might be able to introduce you to a cool girl. GOOOOOOO Team!
3. NIX - This may be the shortest tip and it is not the best of the ten tips, but none the less it is a tip worth saying and believing in. Say on December 28th your sitting in bed unhappy with the year your having and you want to do something about it, so you start writing goals for your self to achieve the following year so that you will not feel like this next Dec. I keep saying "you" here like I am talking about you but this is really me. I start the year off with a list of goals that would need an 8 font to fit them all on three sheets of paper. So, here it is January and I realize that is ridiculous. I believe strongly that if I am ever going to get this completion percentage up then Nixing out some of the fluff goals is imperative. And I believe many of you could be in the same boat. So I have Nixed out things like "steal Donald Trump's money" and "become Hugh Hefner."******* What can you Nix out?
2. OPPERTUNITY - "Behind every door is something great" Someone wise said something like that. And it is so true. Around every corner there is always the possibility that a goal could land on your lap. It should be a goal; in fact I am going to write it in now on my list, that we should make the most of each opportunity we have to further along our quest for resolution completion. If an opportunity is out there somewhere, go for it! This is not to be a discredit to the INCH BY INCH tip, but a complement to it. Strive all year, day-by-day, but if something is in reach that normally is not, make the most of it and jump up an extra inch. Looking back at the end of the year and seeing missed opportunities is the worst feeling. Ok, saying this I have to admit, I have not been like a lion and pounced on opportunities in my past goals. If I had I would have a great job and less sweaty palms! Lets all be Lions this year!
1. DETERMINATION - There is no since in starting to obtain your resolutions if you are not bound and determined to do so. Teamwork will not help, Understanding, Pretending, Evolution will all be useless. Nixing will work here but it will be cheating in this case. Goals are set because we want something to strive for during the year. We want to accomplish something. The most important part of all of this comes from inside and it has a pretty steady beat. ******** That steady beat should drive us, it should motivate us, and it should pick us up when we are down. That beat is our determination to get our goals done. This is done by the most important tip I could come up with; strangely enough the only one that I didn't make up, it is simply.....
D - determination
O - opportunity
N - nix
T - teamwork

G - generosity
I - inch-by-inch
V - victory party
E - evolution

U - understand
P – pretend

Until next time.

*Margin of error +/-10%
**Officially the longest sentence used in modern day English blogging. Yes there are ten commas.
***No permission was seeked to use this company name in a bad blog.
****Five minutes worth.
*****My Savior.
******I have not personally seen in each one, just an assumption.
*******Two of my worst examples to date. Sorry.
********Unless you have an irregular heartbeat, of course.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Read Between the Sheets

It has been proven many times over that I am sleep deprived. Every day I do not know what I look like until I see peoples expression at work. And if it is of mild discontent, I know I just still have toothpaste dried on my mouth. If their look is one of severe discontent then I know I did something like forget to remove the sleepy junk from my eyes and they look like a slimy egg hatching or something. If they step two feet in the store and then scream running out of the store, then I know that I have forgotten to put on a shirt. Anyways, the point is this. I tend to find things to keep me from sleeping each night. Mainly stuff that has little to do with making me a better human. Like MySpace, Blogs, Movies or watching TV. All three of you just gasped I know. Well prepare to gasp again. My bed changed the words to a John Mayer song tonight while I was watching LOST. He turned it into a ditty for me. Brought me to tears and made me realise I need to spend more time with him. So hopefully from now on I will not be wasting so much time late night surfing the net, I will be snug in my comfortable bed...playing game boy.

Here are the lyrics to the song my bed wrote me. It is best read if you can find the song from John Mayer's, Heavier Things CD. You will also need to sing in G because that is how it was rewritten. If you don't have it on cd or eight track it is playing on mySpace. Thanks again good night.

Come Back to Bed

Red are your eyes
You need to move
Here by my side
Your awake doin' all your things
not one of them match one of mine
No drool on my sheets
Show me you don't care at all
So tell me what to do
To get you to get in my sheets this fall

You'll be rested in the mornin'
We'll poke fun of your bed head
Please give in to your fear
Be Bold, Boris
Come back to bed
Rest your big head
Come back to bed
Come back to bed

What will you miss
Yaknow that that surfin' will ne'er end
I hear each morn's wish
Your eyes feel like death,
Joints are disastrous

You won't feel bad each morning
Youll feel so alive instead
And start the day in second gear
Your old, Boris
Come back to bed
Your eyes are so red
Rest that huge head
Come on come back to bed
Come back to bed...

[harp solo]

You'll need no snooze bar in the mornin'
Your stomach will be fed
Please believe me
8 hours will be pure gratification
For you Boris
Just Come back to bed
Rest that large head
Come back to bed

Don't use your MySpace oe'r your bed
Don't work your blog over your bed
Don't watch your shows over your bed
Don't view your movies oe'r your bed
Don't surf the net over your bed
Don't play your games

Until next time.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

The Parable-attempt

As no one knows I have not had written a blog in over a week. Which means no one has wondered why and no one will care why I haven't, but for the sake of filling up a few lines of cyber space, I will now type to myself to figure out exactly what it is have been up to over the past week and a half. All that comes to mind are a bunch of opposites. I have been up late at night, and I have been to bed early-as in before the local news comes on. I have gotten up early and I have woken up late-as in late in the afternoon as well as late for work. I have had my mind filled with so many thoughts from both spheres of my brain-as in both intelligent thoughts and silly daydreams(I know you might not think I know the difference between these two, and you may be right.) I have been on a health kick-as in going to the gym, as well as an unhealthy kick-as in watching almost every show television has too offer. I have been happy-as in a smile, as well as sad-as in... well if I cried, tears. So as I see it, I have had somewhat of a seesaw of happenings over the the past while. The more I think about it there has to be a life teaching lesson in my findings about myself. After thinking about it even more, mainly with the side of my brain that I think with most-yes the silly daydream side, I think I can write a parable about my past week. Of course my intelligent side of my brain is begging me not to try. But here goes. Since this is the first thought I gave to what Parable even means, I checked on and this is the definition.
1. a short allegorical story designed to illustrate or teach some truth, religious principle, or moral lesson.
2. a statement or comment that conveys a meaning indirectly by the use of comparison, analogy, or the like.

Once upon a time in a dark closet, lived a rope about 10 feet long. It is a thick rope, both ends are worn and patched with tape. Right at the midway point this rope a red ribbon tied around its waist. This rope was used roughly, but was not used every day, just in certain seasons. Simply it was rope but more complicatedly it was a tug-a-war rope. Children would use this rope. It was used in gym class. It was never treated with much respect but was so important in the outcome of the game. The game of Tug-a-War. Kids would divide up into teams on each side of the rope. Each side had kids that were different sizes different shapes different smells. Each side had its fair share of small kids but each side had the one big kids that would try to rally the troops. Next the kids would line up on either side of this rope and would hold tightly on to their side of the rope. Yanking in unison each side would pull their hardest to try and pull the other side toward their side of the room. If the red ribbon crossed the determined area then the one side of children would win. Usually they would dance and trash talk to the other team, pointing at the weakest on the other team and yell "you had no chance wimpy!" This is what this rope had to live with during its life. Even though it is not always used it is the only device that can be used in the gym class game of Tug-a-war.
(OK the meaningful part, I think)
Once upon a time in a dark mind, lived some will power about a mile long. It is an invisible desire, both ends are stubborn and patched with longings. Right at the midway point of this will power, a final decision is tied around its choices. This will power was used frenziedly, but was not used on every little decision, just in most life's main issues. Simply it was will but more complicatedly it was a tug-a-will power. Minds would use this will. It was used in decision making. It was never treated with much respect but was so important in the outcome of the decision. The game of Tug-a-Will. Convictions would divide up into teams on each side of the will power. Each side had convictions that had different morals different belief different motivations. Each side had its fair share of irrelevant ideas but each side had the one big conviction that would try to persuade the other thoughts. Next, the convictions would line up on either side of this will power and would hold tightly on to their side of the will. Yanking as one big thought each side would pull their hardest to try and pull the other beliefs toward their side of the decision making pool. If the final decision crossed the frontal lobe then the one side of thinking would happen. Eventually the final decision would feel good and make fun to the losing thought, pointing at the weakest conviction on the other deciding factors and yell "you had no chance wimpy!" This is what this will power had to live with during its life. Even though it is not always used it is the only device that can be used in the decision making process of Tug-a-Will.

Well what I guess I was trying to get at is I feel i have been having a tug-a-will with myself over the past week or two. Pulling your self in different ways trying to come up with a path to take is rouph on the body, mind and spirit-judging by the buises that have appeared and the bags of ugly under my eyes that have appeared I have been playing this game pretty hard. So I guess there is a better way to come to a decision. Draw straws.

Until next time.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006


(One Hour Ago)
The day was just one of those crazy days. One in which everything seemed shuddersome to begin with. The temperature must have dropped twenty degrees in the the past hour. Nothing really made any since. Both the moon and the sun seemed to be fighting over who had control of the sky. It was humid but at the same time one's skin could be chilled by the inconsistent winds. Something was up, and at the same time something was going to go down this night. Something big. Something that might not ever be able to be explained. It just had that feel to it. The streets were quiet except for one area of town. Neon lights filled the street corner with an unpleasant glow. It was now dark, and four light footsteps, four shuffling footsteps and two indiscernible footsteps could be heard. It was an eerie sound, one that caused the streets to be deserted and small children to clinch their mothers leg in a trepidation. It was in the next hour that life in the this small town would be changed forever. But at this moment, time appeared to stand still, stars lost their twinkle and it seemed that everyone in this unsuspecting town inhaled a deep breath at the exact same moment. The next thing that these folks heard, would be the last normal memory many of them would have this night. For at this moment there was a unusually loud creaking of an unusually large door...

(Fifteen Minutes Ago)
The place was a wreck, like a bachelors room right before a lady friend comes to visit. Just plain crazy. Not one person could even form the words to describe what they had witnessed for the past fifty minutes or so. No one had thought it was possible. No one thought is was real, but they all agreed, what happened that does not happen every day, not even once in a blue moon. Exspecially to this small quiet town. There was broken glass everywhere, ice cream everywhere, liquids of all kinds all over the floors and walls, tread marks on the floor, and some other food all over the place-some of it all mashed up. A manager shuffles through the wreckage and can only shake his head in amazement over what just happened. He mumbles to himself something that sounded like, "I feel like that was a dream." He starts picking up random objects off the ground each bringing back a memory of the past hour. Just then he leans down and picks up a spoon....

(Twenty-five Minutes Ago)
NO ONE COULD QUITE BELIEVE IT!!!! What was happening! There was what appeared to be a small imaginary creature running rampant throughout the room protecting people. But right when people would think, "there's no way that could be a small imaginary creature running rampant throughout the room protecting people," it would disappear. It was a sight that was just icing on the cake on what seemed to be the most amazing forty minutes any of them had ever been through. This little creature would seem to fly from danger to danger in the room, saving one man from getting run over, to saving a woman from slipping on a mashed up hot dog wiener. And just like that he would disappear again. That is when a few people started catching on that if you believed that this small creature was there to protect you then he would do just that! This caused people to try jumping off tables face first on to the ground just so the little imaginary creature would swoop in and save them from a nasty head ache. But something started to go wrong. It had to do something with the fact that for some reason ice cream was being served throughout the room. The small imaginary creature could not make it to people in time, people were getting injured ice cream and spoons preceded to fly across the room. What started as a strong belief in a protecting little creature had suddenly turned into a food fight of epic proportions. And that is the last any saw of this small imaginary creature. The manager wiping some ice cream from is sleeve bends down and picks up a envelope that has yet to be sealed...

(Forty Minutes Ago)
No one was prepared for what was happening at this exact moment. The largest turtle anyone ad ever seen was spotted getting into a small race car. He barely fit into the little car. It also took a good five minutes for him to get in the car and get the door shut. He was a turtle, mind you. But that is when it happened. He started driving around the room Ricky Bobby style. FAST! This scared the room at first, people were running around spilling their drinks, throwing their chairs, and of course picking their jaws off the floor, because they did just witness a big 100 year old turtle position himself into a small race car and continue to drive around tables weaving in and out of people. The fear slowly resided and people started having fun with it, cheering on this crazy old speeding turtle. Smiles filled the air again. But the fun took a weird turn that no one could have predicted, not even by the smelly guy in the corner that said, "Wow, you don't see that every day!" A worker came from the back of the room holding a stack of what at first looked like papers. She was not paying attention to the fact that a 100 year old turtle was being cheered on by many while skidding around the room at a rate that would blow your mind. Well she walked right in front of the speeding turtle, he swerved as best he could but he did clip her leg, she dropped her-what looked like papers- amazingly enough, into the car window and he crashed into a group of tables that were full of drinks. A few men rushed over and what they found was beyond their most imaginative thoughts. All that was in the wrecked race car, was a shell half the size of the 100 year old turtle they saw crawl in the car. All over the damp shell were unsealed envelopes stuck all over the poor turtle. He actually began to shrink until he was gone. It was almost more then this group of men could take. The manager came by at this moment and said to the group of befuddled men, "next rounds on me." This seemed to snap the men out of their disbelief and put a grin back on their face. The manager studied the wreck, he too was amazed at what just happened. It was not the first time he was amazed tonight, and assumed it would not be the last. He then bent over and picked up a half of a hot dog wiener...

(Fifty minutes ago)
No one could believe what they were looking at. Not in a million years could what they were looking at really be standing in front of them. It was hamster. But not any ole hamster, this hamster looked like a dwarf hamster. The only way to even begin to understand this, was to understand that not only was he a dwarf hamster he was also Siberian. He was standing on a bar stool and immediately had every ones attention. He screamed out in a schreakingly high voice that he was going to hold a contest! A contest that would involve hot dog wieners and noses. The room which already had a look of amazement, now had a look of confused amazement. This quickly ended when the peculiarly shaped hamster explained the rules and the prize of this contest. "If you can fit two full hot dogs up your nose, you will receive two things from me. One, you will receive a free dental examination and two you will get a kite that I have welded out of the lightest wood I have found in my travels through out the world." The confused amazed looks were now replaced with huge smiles. For this group responds joyously to the word free and they all get in line to join in on this game. The Siberian Hamster then shows the crowd what is expected. UNBELEVABLE, was the emotion of the collective crowd, for the dwarf had just somehow shoved seven weenies into his nose. This caused about half the group watching this unbelievable feat to drop their drinks with a shatter onto the floor, and stumble out of the line. The other half stayed in line and started attempting to shove two hot dogs up their own noses. NOT one person came close until a hottie from the back of the room strutted up to the front of the line. She was a diva. If there was not a Siberian Dwarf Hamster shoving links up his tiny nose, every eye would be on this gal. She did, and with relative ease, get both of the hot dogs into her nose, impressing almost no one. It was a short time after she won that something no one was ready for happened. She started walking up to the hamster for her free dental examination, and while on the way up there she started applying the most heavenly looking red lipstick one has seen upon her perfectly crafted lips. It seemed to take the attention for the second away from the tiny hot dog engulfing hamster from Siberia, so no one knows what really happened. But right before this beautiful woman got to the bar stool, the hamster exploded. Nobody could tell you before this night what it would be like if a tiny foreign hamster exploded, but from then on each of them would have it burned into their minds, that it is almost just like a package of ballpark franks exploding right in your face. Unbelievable was the mood. Everyone sinced it coming into the room that night, the air had seemed weird. The manager came out from behind the counter with a mop and broom. He leaned over and picked up a little book that was laying on the floor. He read the cover, The Complete Book of Jokes...

(Fifty-nine-and-a-half Minutes Ago)
So this Siberian Dwarf Hamster, A Jawabalee and one of those big 100 yr old Turtles walk into a bar...

Until next time.