Srinking Shorts and Soaking Shirts

What is the one thing 80% of overweight people and 100% of people who are not really overweight but think they are want? My first instinct answer was Ritz crackers with canned cheese sprayed on it to overflowing. But after a survey of ten people, all of which I assumed were in the category of people who are not really overweight but think they are, unanimously answered with "to lose weight." I next decided to do a personal test. I tried on last summer's swimsuit, and gave up when it could not be pulled past my knees. Needless to say I put myself in the category of overweight people and answered my survey with "lose alot of weight fast!"
I had to first get to the bottom of what happened to me for my not getting that swimsuit past my knees. I know that I have really only been donating money to the gym I used to go to most days each month. I know I now spend the time I usually spend at the gym growing into a computer desk chair watching endless clips on YouTube in between bites of Taco Bell gorditas(t6 meal). I know that lately when the feeling creeps into my head that I should go out side and do something active on, lets say a Saturday because it is sunny and 75 degrees, I have been choosing to dim the lights in the house grab a gallon of Blue Bell ice cream, crumble half a bag of Oreo Cookies and pour Hersey's Syrup all over it and watch Discovery Channel in High Def(side note: That Planet Earth series nearly knocked Dumb and Dumber from the number one spot in my list of shows that I can watch over and over in one day and not get board.) I also know that the past 5 months or so at work in stead of standing all day like I have done for the 5 and 1/2 years before, I now found my self sitting on a stool when I am not helping customers. This I figured weighed heavy in my quest to find out the reason my lime green swim suit with a stitched logo of Elmo in a Snorkel on the left leg of the .... wait a minute... I didn't have a lime green swim suite last year!! It was red! I immediately run back up the stairs grabbed the suite in question...how could I have been so dumb? I must have grabbed my nephews suit. The relief I felt was short lived. I found my true swim trunks minutes later, and while they did pull up to my waist, I noticed that the only reason I got it to my waist was because I sucked in and had not been breathing for the past three minutes. Time to get a new suit.

What do %99.9(cause there is always the freaks)of people absolutely despise to the core of their very body and sole? Satan seems to be the obvious answer here. But the survey I didn't have the time or need to ask anyone else except my five personalities came to the conclusion that in fact only 72% of people hate satan, and coming in first was non other the typical job interview. I have only heard that these things were ulcer causing worry-fests but I had always considered that blown way out of proportion. I mean how hard can it be to just sit back at chit-chat about something . I mean I do it all the time talking about my San Antonio Spurs or Survivor highlights but I had never had one of these until this week. That is why I now am a firm believer in the truth that these things certainly require serious preparation if not total avoidance.
It is a great idea I know to go into the interview prepared to talk about yourself in a positive and downright bragful way. Another good idea is to do research on the job you are applying for and to have a plethora of questions ready to try to remember at the end of the torture...I mean interview. Dressing up for the interview seems to be the norm too so I made sure to find a nice tie and shirt and matching socks. But the most important thing and I can not emphasize this enough or with more passion, but choosing your undershirt is probably the most important of all tasks when getting ready to go to an interrogation... I mean interview. I feel close enouph to you readers that I can let you know that I tend to wear a nice sleeveless thin "wife-beater" type undershirt in my regular life, and I was prepared to carry on this tradition under my nice shirt and tie. But one hour before interview as I was dressing I began to notice a few things. One, the feeling that this was going to be a piece of cake had turned into a feeling I was going to be cut to pieces like a birthday cake at a party for Rosie O'Donnell. Crap. Second, that comfortable right out of the shower feeling I had, was now getting replaces by an uncomfortable, "why is my stomach making noises like that?" feeling. Double crap. And that smile of anticipation quickly was turning to a "how am I sweating already while standing under the ceiling fan on high?" face. The very hard to obtain in any situation, triple crap! I had to do something quick. I was racking my brain for an idea. That is when I thought about every first date I have had. Ok Ok and second through 5th. What was the one thing that saved me? Yes, that 400% cotton ultra thick Hard Rock Cafe shirt I got in London. That shirt was definitely used in the brainstorming sessions when some dorks got together to discuss the design and texture of the Shammy. So to cut to the long overdue point, I did make the decision to retrieve this shirt from the bottom drawer due to it has not been used in some time, and wear it for my first interview. And let me tell you that was right up there with not parting my hair down the middle any more, as one of the best decisions I have ever made. For, and I am sure I could fill a blog about it, my interview lasted one and a half hours under what must have been the most powerful 70 watt light bulb ever produced. If the interview would have been 10 minutes longer I would have had to resort to that uncomfortable posture in which I turn my body in such a way where the dry parts of my shirt would cover the ever growing soggy parts. That would have for sure been the world record. Quadruple crap! Time to wash my shirt.

Until next time.

p.s. The new color scheme is not meant to confuse. It is my clever and unclever at the same time, attempt of showing support for the Spurs as they go for their fourth title in nine years. GO SPURS GO!