Bragging for Dummies

I woke up this morning and I had a revelation. It was too early to be waking up, so I went back to sleep. But the next time I woke up(eight minutes later) I had another revelation. I needed to write a blog like I used to. I should start off by telling you what I have been up to, then delve into the boring part, that is unless you always skip the part about my going ons because you think that part is boring. Anyways, point is until dues are seriously talked about at the next house meeting, this thing gets written pretty much just the way my fingers and brain decide it should be done. So, on that note, I watched a movie tonight, and if you must know the small details I did watch it alone. I viewed a movie about futbol hooligans, called Green Street Holligans. It was a British movie starring Elijah Wood and a bunch of other blokes. There was much fighting, a bunch of drinking, many foul words scattered in and back stabbing. Basically, if it was made in America it would have been based on fraternities. Seriously though, it was a good movie that taught some important lessons in life, but mainly just showed that the human face can take more punches then you would have thought other wise. Another prevalent occurrence in the movie was the consistent use up bragging. That got me thinking... what doesn't, I am sure your thinking. I know I don't know all that much about bragging(not a brag) but I do think I know more then all of you(a serious brag) so I thought I would whip up a few guidelines concerning the art of bragging. In no particular order....

Bragging mucst be BALLSY - Sorry to start with ballsy but it starts with B. OK, say you have reached a point in a conversation or an argument where you need to reach inside yourself for a brag, you can not come to the table with a week hearted tall tale. You need to always bring a strong and ardent brag or else you run the risk of not being taken serious. To be good a brag needs a bit of an edge to it.
Examples:
Bad Ballsy Brag - "My mom says I punch harder then both my sisters combined, so why don't you sit down before I show you what she is talking about."
Good Ballsy Brag - "These fists are banned in 49 states because of their deadly might, you want to be the reason it is all 50 states?"

Bragging must be RUDE - There is no such thing as a polite brag. Bragging is to be used in a discourteous manner. Bragging is to make you seem, look and feel better then the other person and there is no way to achieve this if your brags are anything but disrespectful.
Examples:
Bad Rude Brag - "My mom got me this awesome watch, it is way better then yours."
Good Rude Brag - "I have the best watch of any one on the street, because my dad is rich and powerful, and your dad is unemployed."

Bragging must be ABSOLUTE - Bragging needs not to have boundaries, but it does need a precise point. Bragging needs to be straight forward and spoken with heart. You can not be wishy-washy with a brag. This shows weakness, and a stronger bragger will pounce on this. If you are in the middle of a serious bragging session with a friend about fishing, do not brag about anything else while bragging about fishing. You must have an absolute and stick with it. (Hey, it started with A)
Examples:
Bad Absolute Brag - "My mom says I run faster then the wind, and I have a penny that is older then dirt."
Good Absolute Brag - "I have drivin a car over 200 miles an hour right by a cop and he didn't even pull me over, seven times, each time in a different car, each car over 80 grand!"

Bragging must be GRANDIOSE - When bragging, nothing is worse then a brag that fizzles because it is to blase. A good brag is a showy brag. A bad brag is a stale brag. If you are going to use bragging to show people you are better then them, why just be a little bit better? Use the opportunity that bragging supplies to really make the other person feel crappy by making your brag the best brag it can be!
Examples:
Bad Grandiose Brag - "I hung the moon, according to my mom."
Good Grandiose Brag - "I was once being hunted by a battalion of blood thirsty Japanese Soldiers, hell bent on capturing me and tormenting me within inches of my life. I was able to elude this group of about 190 soldiers for 5 weeks with only a Swiss army knife as a weapon. I was able to slowly take them out one by one, until it was just me left in the jungle. This happened on 7 different occations. I single handedly won that war. I am the best soldier on the planet. Hoo rahhh!"

So I guess as a recap I will point out that I am the first person ever to come up with such guidelines and not only the first such list, but the best such list because they make a acronym. So just remember when you are arguing with a friend, co-worker, boss, carnival workers or anyone, if you feel you need to one-up their story with one of your own, use my time tested guidelines to successful bragging.

GREAT BRAGGING IS:
B-bold
R-rude
A-absolute
G-grandiose

Until next time.