The Fourth of July for Dummy Faces

Hope everyone had a good Fourth of July. I had a great one, kind of. I spent it reliving a favorite childhood past time, just in a dangerous way. When I was a child, years and years ago, my parents had 23 medium to large size oak trees in their back yard. I prided myself on the fact that I could start at one side of the back yard and make it to the other side of the yard, without touching the ground all while setting foot on each of the 23 trees. Yes, I could do it, i did it all the time. And I loved it. The thing is, I was a top heavy 95 pounds back then and I treated climbing trees like a plumber treats a toilet, with ease. I am now double that weight and bottom heavy, and add to that picture a chainsaw and you have a picture of me on the Fourth of July. I chopped down what seemed like half of my old climbing grounds. Me and my dad made a nice clean looking canopy over the whole backyard.
Perfect job, except for that one last limb that needed to be chopped, but it was way up in the trees. "Hey, your a athletic young man!" I thought to myself, "why don't you shimmy up that tree like the good ole days and cut that limb down?" Ignoring the craziness of talking to myself, I thought it was the best idea I had had since changing from boxers to briefs. I proceded to make my way up that tree like a pro. I did have too stop twice to catch my breath, which seems like it would have reminded me, that this was not what happened in the good ole days but, I got to the branch I needed to chop down pulled my self up on it and nestled myself in what seemed like twigs right above that limb. Taking a minute to let my sweating subdue to a mild trickle I lowered the rope I brought with me down to my dad, in which he tied the chainsaw to this rope and in turn pulled it back up to my paws. Needless to say I had to take another few minutes.
Let me explain the size of this limb I was about to chop down, it was medium size but large enouph to kill a boy scout troupe if it fell on them. I was cutting out a sizeable area of this tree, and mind you, I was about 25 feet in the air. My next memory was a combination of two phases that filled my head at once. As I asked myself, "Is this the best angle you should be cutting this limb from?" my mom's voice echoed in my head, "GET DOWN FROM UP THERE THIS INSTANT!" This caused me to forget to answer the question I asked myself, and it also put me right back into the good 'ole days! I used to love to scare my mom by swinging from trees, jumping from one tree to the other and even by falling from the trees. Luckily my head broke the fall each time. So, there I am waving my mom off, sweating profusely, breathing heavy, starting the chainsaw and about to cut off this main limb. One more time I heard myself ask something, "Ar ou ure his is the r ght an le?" The noise of the saw allowed me to shrug off the question, thinking it must have been myself asking myself for some water or a damp cold cloth. Well that is when it happened the crowning moment of the day, that large branch was about to fall from this mighty tree. With the cahinsaw about 3/4th of the way through the limb, I heard my self screaming at my self... "ST P CUT ING, D MMY!!!!" I heard the tone of my voice and recognized it as urgent, but the saw was too loud to know for sure. This is when I made the split decision to just go ahead and finish the cutting motion before finding out what was being yelled at me. I then turned off the saw and sat there covered in sweat and woodchips, and asked myself what it was he was trying to tell me. All he responded with was, "You dummy." Being easily drawn into name calling, I proceeded to call myself a dummy, but added face after dummy. Next, it was my mom that wanted to chime in with her usual, "How are you going to get down?" If I had dime for every time I heard that growing up, I would have been able to afford those Converse Allstars I always wanted. Suffering from dehydration and being a bit of a smart aleck, I sassyly replied, "I will jump down to this limb and then it is a piece of cake from there. I have done it a million times! GOSH!" Next, in what seemed like practiced precision, my mom and myself both exclaimed, "Better think again, Dummy face!"
Crap. That limb I was planning to jump down to--that was so easy to get down from--was now laying 23 feet down, on the grass, no doubt having mixed emotions between pain and sheer joy in the fat that I was screwed. Mustering up all the confidence I could, I replied, "I'm fine." Time to size up the situation: I have to make it 15 feet down a 3 foot in diameter oak tree to get to the next useful limb, my mom, myself and a tree limb are all lauphing at me, an I feel like I have just run in the Iron Man Classic. After taking a rest, and lowering the saw to my dad, who was surprising quiet through the whole ordeal,(I later found out he was arguing with himself about letting me go up that high in the first place)I came to the decision that taking my shirt off earlier in the day, to show my pale skin some sunshine was probably one of my worst ideas in months. For the only way in which to get from point A to point B,(A being where I was, B where I needed to get 15 feet away) was to shimmy down the tree, bear style, till my feet got to that next limb. Lets all think about this senerio. Bare stomach and arms, tired stomach and arms, 15 feet, oak tree. All of this added together makes for a memorable Fourth of July for sure. In fact it has been a memorable 5-7th of July as well, as I am reminded of my stupidity every time I move. Well, I hope all of you listened to yourselves better then I did this past holiday. I know that I will be paying way more attention to dummy face in the future. Until next time.