The Perfect (Healthy)Omelet, Almost.

Hello everyone. 'One' being the key. This is a great week. Would you like to know why? No, it is not because Fraggle Rock is in talks to make a Hollywood movie, even though that is awesome. It is the simple fact, that I will be out of the country in 4 days. Puerto Vallarta to be specific. For those of you that don't know it is the best place on earth somewhere in Mexico. It gets even better. Not only will I not be working, but I will have an ocean view room,unlimited sun as well as countless opportunities to people watch. When I say people watch, I of course mean female watch. And when I say female watch, I mean bikini watch. I know that could seem a bit sexist, for some reason. I heard it said just recently the point that it is weird that the girls that are embarrassed if they are seen in their underwear or what not out on the street are the same girls that wear a dental floss bikini two sizes to small on the beach and not be embarrassed one bit. Anyways... I am getting distracted... I will be in Mexico, I will be ooggleing and best of all, all my food and drinks will be gratis. For the non-Spanish speaking reader, that means FREE. And that is just what I mean, I will be getting all the food I want and all the drinks(by drinks I mean ALCOHOL) by just snapping my fingers and a midget in a tux will bring it to me. Ok, so I may be over playing it a bit but I am excited about the free food especially. I know that is hard to believe if you know me, but the fact is, I have been having to make my own food the past 11 days and have been eating healthy and while I am proud of myself for doing it, it has been painful. Mainly in the breakfast area. I have attempted to make an omelet the past 11 days and have had two fire alarms go off, had several arm and hand burns, and 10 crying spells. I feel it is safe to admit this because my reading base is as small as an anorexic's ideal dress size. Anyways... This morning JULY 17th, 2006 I created The Perfect Omelet, almost. I say 'almost' because it happened to be the first one that tasted, smelled and looked good, so maybe it could be better. I should also interject here, that this would also be catigorized as a healthy omelet, which at first thought you would think that means it can't taste good. You are almost correct, but if you follow these simple steps I believe you will enjoy your mornings ten fold, because you will have made the The Perfect Healthy Omelet, almost.

INGREDIENTS: This is the easy part. Just buy some Southwestern Egg Beaters. Yes, you guessed it, these are eggs that do not come from chickens(even though the box clearly states they are). I think they come from a machine that separates all the evil(yummy) parts of an egg and then squirts what is left in to a huge mixing bowl the size of a welfare house. Then another machine that somehow makes salsa(green chilies, onion, spices, tomato) squirts its concoction in to the bowl and a huge helicopter with a spoon tied to it then stirs these two into one happy family. Next a little conveyer belt with 4 ounce boxes, made from recycled corn stalks, conveys by an opening at the bottom of the huge bowl, where with the sound of a whoopee cushion squirts the "egg beater" into the box. Then it is shipped to H.E.B.. So, just pick up one of those, as well as some Canadian bacon slices. Surprisingly to note, there are healthy Canadians and unhealthy Canadians. You want the bacon that is made from the healthy ones. Some low-fat cheese is optional, mainly because I keep forgetting to put it on my omelets. And that is all the ingredients you need, unless you are like me and need to by a skillet, a spatula and protective goggles. Opps... One more thing, some Pam oil spray stuff. Get they healthy kind again, or else the whole thing doesn't work.

DIRECTIONS: Here comes the hard part. Omelets may seem easy to you, but it is because through great trial and error and error and error, I figured it out. First, get a pan set it on stove and turn on the stove. This may seem like an unnecessary step, but I found out that it is necessary the hard way. Next, slice up two pieces of Canadian bacon into little squares. And throw them into the pan. I hope you remembered to spay a little of the Pam spray onto the pan before you did this. I mentioned this after putting the Canadian bacon in the pan(which is on the heated stove) because I have yet to remember to spray the pan first. I tend to spray it while the bacon sits there. I hope that is why the CB tastes so good, and I also hope that doesn't gross you out. So the Canadian Bacon is cooking. Through experience, the stove does not need to be too high for this part(more on temp later:( I need to warn you about something. Canadian Bacon tends to jump into the air once it starts sizzling. Sometimes, onto your face. This is why I wear protective goggles. So, I need to really make a big deal about not having the stove to high, for this next part. KEEP STOVE ON LOW. I mean real low. Because next, with the Canadian Bacon still cooking, pour about 1/4 to 1/2 cups of egg beater into the frying pan. If you hear an immediate sizzling and popping and egg beater starts looking like a lava pit, then the stove is too high. I started my omelet making on as high as my gas stove would go, thinking that it would just mean I could eat the omelet faster. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I burnt it and it was so hot I had to wait twenty minutes for the fire to go out and smoke to clear before I could not enjoy it. So, what I am getting at is to let this baby slow roast. This morning I put a timer on it and it took about 6 minutes, just enouph time for me to take one of my famous 5 minute showers. Once the top begins to look cooked you will want to sprinkle cheese neatly across the center of your circle of fake egg healthy omelet. Next, use the spatula and fold one side up onto the neatly laid cheese, followed by simply lifting the other side up on to the middle. It should look nice and neat and perfect. If it doesn't and you feel like chunking it across the room and crying, that is ok, it took me ten times to get it perfect, almost. Move it onto a plate, smile and clap(jump up and down if that is your thing).

ENJOY: If you have survived this whole ordeal. This is the best part. Eat that sucker. Be careful though, with all the Pam that is on it, you are in danger of ruining you your good work clothes with greesey Canadian Bacon droppings(yes, I have had to toss out three pair of cut off jean shorts). But I promise if you follow these simple and extremely drawn out steps you will most likely still want to go to your nearest Denny's and order The Perfect Omelet. Until next time.