Fan Clubs and Water Beds

I relies that it has been some time since I have written a blog. But I need to share with you a simple but painful fact. Blog fame went to my head. Once I reached the 10 visitors a week mark I thought I could retire and live off my first two months of blogging. This was a miserable notion. Not only did this not support me, but it caused me to gain ten pounds and gave me two cavities. I am now overweight and blog idealess. I think all people are born with 10% of their brain wired for writing blogs. I used it up quick. So I need to just come up with new ways to write a blog. I need ideas for blogs. I need motivation for blogs. I need money for blogs. I think it would be a good idea for some one to start a Blogs-by-Boris Fan Club/Multi-level Marketing Scam. If each of the 5 of you each get 5 people to join the Club/Scam, and pledge $5 a month to my inspiration for blogs checking account, then I think that I could write up to two blogs a day. But I am getting ahead of my self here, it is not my place to start a club that honors me. I am just throwing the idea out there. I wouldn't mind if each of you came up with two off the wall topics and sent them to me via e-mail(kcm97m@gmail.com). I will write about the topics as long as they do not involve celery or foot odor. Maybe this will get me back to using that 10% of my size big head. Ideas are good, but I also think that motivation for writing blogs could play a big part of more consistent blogging. Although money and water bed wrestling are good motivation tools, I think I would be happy with a simple reply on each blog you read. Notice the use of you instead of ya'll. It is improper grammar to use ya'll unless your talking to a group bigger then 8. That made little since. The point is let me know in a few words what you think of the blog, if you like it stroke my ego, if you did not care for it, keep your comments to your self. It is that easy. Well, that and 5 dollars a month. Until next time or July.

Excuses are like .....

I am sorry I have not written in a while, but I realized I left out a minor detail in my last blog about my horrible wreck. I shattered both arms. This has made it quite hard to type. Knowing you were anticipating a blog, I worked diligently over the last 5 days to try to figure out a new way to type. I tried with my toes(didn't work, due to the smell and lack of flexibility), I tried with a chop stick rubberbanded to my head(didn't work, splinters), I even tried holding a pencil in my mouth and using the eraser end to hit the keys(didn't work, mainly because I used sharp pencils which poked my cheek and gave me lead poisoning.) I came to find that what worked the best however, was typing nothing at all. But this is all really a big excuse for being lazy. Something that has come quite easy lately. There is nothing quite like doing nothing. Especially when stuff needs to be done. The problem is it leaves you rushing to do the things that are important until the last minute. Example: I have a test tomorrow that could change my life(more like give me one) and I have not studied yet but I will get to it. If you are a slacker you know that "not really studied but I will get to it" means "I have not studied one bit" the "I will get to it" part is thrown in to make you feel better. (I feel way better now.) Moving on. I had a crazy customer float into my store today. I want to show respect so I will not broadcast her name over the internet so I will just refer to her as Crazy Lune. Well, Crazy Lune came in wearing a out fit that was quite intresting. A giant sweater and matching pants, all made of yarn in a rainbow of colors. On Crazy Lune's t-shirt was a picture of herself, with her 15 cats. Needless to say, I was scared. I tried to help her as fast as I could so that she would go back to her cat farm, but she insisted on telling me about her single daughter and how great it would be for me to go out with her single-and-looking daughter. I'm a healthy guy in my late 20's but I think I had a mild stroke at this idea. I am not one to make judgments about someone I have never met but in this case I was quite certain that even if the gal was Miss America, the thought of Christmas dinners (Most likely tuna) and family get togethers, gave me such a fright that I just froze and turned pale. She took this as a sign that I was interested, so she got out her knit purse and dug through what must have been six thousand coupons, and retrieved a pen and paper to get my number. Being the quick thinker that I am I gave her my friend Lizen's cell number, and address. Crazy Lune then started chanting something in gibberish and then raced out the door on her broom. I then blinked for the first time in ten minutes and closed up shop. The lesson here is basically that God is sending me a sign that is it time to go out and meet girls or he is going to send them to me one way or the other. I will get too it. First, I have to let my arms heal, then I'll get to it. Until next time.

Asleep at the Wheel and Birthdays

Well, it has been a while since I have updated my dork hobby. But the wait is over. I have been a bit busy over the past few days however. It is due to my other dork hobby, X-box. Halo 2 to be exact. My roommates, friends, neighbors, strangers and grandparents are all better at me on it. I have come to the realization that I am horrible at video games and need to stick to things like watching movies. I can do that better then every one except Ebert. Anyways, a notion(Def.-a bad idea compounded into a plan) popped into my head about four days ago that if I practice for 78 straight hours on the X-box that I might become competitive. Well, I tried it and it did not work. I only became a time bomb of frustration, my blood pressure went way up, and I only slept 2 hours over this period of time. A time bomb can be diffused and blood pressure can be lowered(by drinking koolade I think), but catching up on sleep is not easy. You look for little spots during the day to rest; like at lunch, during lectures by the boss, and in extreme cases while driving. I did not fall asleep at the wheel on Monday night, but I thought I was dreaming when a king size bed was about 15 feet in front of me, while driving 70 down the highway. I don't know about you but when I see a mattress in my lane on the highway my first thought is not "I wonder if I could squeeze in an hour of sleep on that." My thought went more like this, "That's a mat... *@#%!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" And I swerved out of the way. Now let me tell you first off what my experience in handling an out of control vehicle is. None, unless you count me watching hours of The Dukes of Hazard. Well as you most likely guessed, this should have caused me to roll over, go under a truck shoot out the back into the oncoming traffic, bounce around 6 more cars, and end up in a lake with a lot of pointy rocks. But I did what any screaming baby does when there brand new car is spinning down the highway, I closed my eyes and prayed. This allowed me to miss everything except the concrete wall, which I slid into like a baseball player. Thing is, I was out. The wall won. The wall retrieved paint samples from the front and rear bumpers, dislodged a important metal part from under my car, and made my nice rim look not nice. The car came away with 13 stiches and a cast on the front driver side tire, and I came out with wide eyes and smelly pants. I do not remember if I shed a tear but that is not important, what is important is that you might when I tell you that this happened on the eve of my 27th birthday, in my new car, that I have yet to make a car payment on. I guess I am just looking for pity. The important thing is that, waiting on the cop to get the crash site I managed to get in about twenty minutes of sleep. Speaking of birthdays, April is a Birthday filled month for the Morris's. There is MINE and a few others. My great older sister, who taught me how to always know what streets are parallel to the street that you are on, her birthday was 2 days before mine. I meant to let her know how much I love her on her Birthday but I was on hour 54 of my X-Box mar-a-thon, so I told her when she called me on mine(sorry). My nephew Ryan turns 7 three days after my birthday. So that is the one the whole family really looks forward too! Anyways. It has been a pretty good birthday so far today, but now I must get some rest. I have to get up early to walk to work to marrow while my car is still in recovery. Until next time.

Used Book Stores and Big News

Well for those of you that have been praying for me to get better, I'm not quite well, and those of you praying for me to stop blogging, I'm over my writers block. No better way to come out of a writing fog then to step foot in a used book store. I don't think I have ever experienced any thing like that before. I think they look for extremely weird people when they hire for the job of used book librarian. The application must include the following questions: "Do you have at least 5 visible tattoos and body pearcings?, Do you get mistaken for the opposite sex?, Do you wear clothes from Goodwill?, Are you pale?" and, "If you answered 'No' to any of the above questions, rip this application up and go to Barnes and Noble." Well, they might not be in that order, but it was quite a culture shock. I have been known to read, mainly when I was 9 and I was reading to get free pizza from Pizza Hut, but I still like to pick up a book every now and then. Like just the other night I picked up a book off my dresser, wiped off the dust, read the title, got all excited, jumped in bed, got cozy, opened it up and fell asleep while reading the "this is dedicated to..." part. So what, I have trouble finishing books. I think I should get paid millions to be a book reviewer, and if I stay awake through the whole book then it has to be great. Anyways, I have to admit, after the initial shock of being in a used book store, with all those used books that have been read by complete strangers, I became sucked into its power. I started grabbing books left and right and looking at them, and being interested! I have looked at books at Borders before and have been interested, but when I looked at the same book here, and saw the $29.99 price marked down to $4.95, all of a sudden the book seemed way more interesting and manageable. When I see a $30.00 book, I am interested till it comes time to buy it and then I tell my self, "You'll never finish it!", and I set it down and run out of the store. But here at the Used Book Megastore, when I saw the $4.95 price I picked it up. And another. And another. And two more. And one last one. I checked out, and my total was $30.00. Yep, I could have just gone to the nice clean shaven voodoo free bookstore and gotten just one book to not read, but now I have SIX! At least they'll make nice coasters. Anyways, enough of that talk on to more important news. I got an e-mail this morning from a company in Boston that finds talented young writers and gives them special assignments around the world to write about. Kind of like a traveling reporter. Actually it is a traveling reporter, not kinda like one. They have offered me a position to travel through Asia and write about what I see. I am very shocked by this offer. So shocked in fact that I decided I would rather mail packages till I'm 44, and so I declined there six figure offer. And of course you all know that I am just playing an April Fools joke on you. They wanted me to travel to Africa not Asia!!!! Until next time.

Writers Block.

Until next time.

Easter and Fevers

Well I hope the growing number of you, or all 7 of you had a great Easter. I did. I spent it with family, which was fun. I am however not having fun right now. I am pretty sure that I am running a pretty high fever because the keys are melting as I type on them, making it harder for me to misspell words. So I have decided to keep this short. Basically I have always had the power to do that. But I will use it now. So just go to this website and waste the time you would have if you were reading a longer blog of mine. Click here and have fun. Until next time.

An Untypical Day of a Typical Blogger.

In case you wanted to know what it is like to walk in my shoes for one day, and even in case you didn't want to know, I am going to tell you. I will explain it using a method passed down from Moses, time chart style.
3:00 a.m.-7:00 a.m. Drool.
7:06 a.m. Snooze.
7:15 a.m. Snooze.
7:24 a.m. Snooze.
7:33 a.m. Snooze.
7:42 a.m. Snooze.
7:51 a.m. Check time(fuzzy), Snooze.
7:59 a.m. Grab glasses, check time, cuss, run to car.
8:00 a.m. Realize I have no clothes on, run back to room put shirt on backwards, take quick deodorant shower, think about how nice it would be to wake up early so that a nice breakfast could be made, get in car drive off, leaving garage doors open and sign that says "robbers this way" on.
8:01 a.m. - 8:20 a.m. Drive really fast from stale red light to the next (6 in all), cuss 6 times, think about excuse for not showing up at 8:00 a.m., park.
8:21 a.m. - 12:00 Stand on energized feet, sort mail, check e-mail, chat on MSN, watch ESPN, develop a hunger, and help wonderful customers mail packages with a smile.
12:00 - 2:00 p.m. Stand on weakening feet, develop hunger pains, try to smile while helping a line of 70 people mail their packages.
2:00 p.m. - 6:00 p.m. Stand on feet that feel like bricks and hurt really bad and are in danger of growing into the concrete, eat my right arm in between yelling at customers to give me there stinking packages to mail, work really hard to be ready to leave the office at 6:00 p.m.
6:00 p.m. - 7:20 p.m. Sit and wait to leave work till the post man drops the days mail off. Find out he decided to have dinner before he came buy the store. Threaten mail mans life. Cry.
7:35 p.m. Run by parents house to find food, and sew arm back on.
7:50 p.m. - 9:00 p.m. Stand in line at post office and process all the mail that people dropped off all day. Dive home. Collapse right inside doorway.
9:15 p.m. - 11:30 p.m. Watch daily netflix movie. Today's happened to be Clay Pidgeons. A good mystery. Slowly get feeling back in feet.
11:35 p.m. - midnight Eat a big bowl of Blue Bell ice cream and stare at wall.
Midnight - 1:00 a.m. Watch a burned copy of Tuesdays episode of Amazing Race. (by the way it was the best one yet. I recommend watching it starting next Tues at 8:00 p.m. on CBS. (shameless plug)
1:00 a.m. - Present Write a terribly depressing blog about a miserable day. Include zero jokes.
Around 2:30 a.m. Go to sleep. Alone.

Free Advice. Part 1 of 1

The following are a few things I have learned over the past few days. Hopefully they will help you. They should if your a 26 year old single male with above average chest hair. If your not then think of something your mom told you when you were little and now agree with.

Lesson 1: When buying a new car, think about your friends first. Your first thought might be to want something that you can show off to all your friends like a slick car with a nice interior, spacious leg room, a bumping system, mood lights, and coffee maker. Unfortunately this will get you in trouble, because they WILL enjoy all these features. They will enjoy them every time they needs a ride somewhere, weather it be to the mailbox or to Spain. So I come back to, when you buy a new car think of your friends first. If most of your friends have long legs get a car with no leg room. If most of your friends have ears get one with no stereo. If most of your friends like coffee get one with no coffee maker. I learned this lesson the hard way. I got one with all these options and I have already expired my warranty and I haven't even gotten my permanent license plates yet.

Lesson 2: When buying groceries, eat before you go. Now I know that you may have heard this one before from everyone from your grandma to Daffy Duck. But I hope that hearing this from me, will help it set in, because I have graying hair and I learned the hard way, as seems to be a habit. I went to H.E.B. today to pick up some lunch meat and walked out with breakfast, lunch, tea, snack, dinner, dessert, and midnight snack for the next 6 years. I walked every isle in the store and must have bought 3 things of each color of the rainbow on each shelf on each row. I started getting hungrier as I went and after 4 baskets full I left the store broke. It took me 45 minutes to unload my car and another 2 hours to put all the food away. Now it is time to eat. I started looking throughout the crammed packed cabinets, and the stuffed fridge, trying to find that perfect food to quench this now danger level hunger. And I could not find one thing that sounded good enough to eat. So I settled for a bowl of cereal that I had before I even went to the store. I just wish I had eaten before I went. well, now I guess I can go pick up all my friends in my car and bring them over for food. Until next time.

Lab Rats and The Office

Hello, to all. I wanted to be the first person to tell you this. I am OK. I made it 10 weeks taking a non-public experimental allergy medication. I know no one else would probably tell you this, because no one else cares, but I thought I would just throw it out there that I am OK. The medication did cause me to sprout an ungodly amount of chest hair and I will be suing for that but, for all heath purposes, I am OK. We finished our time off with a 48 hour stayover. This is the part where you really earn your money. They coop you up in a hospital ward, stick a huge plastic needle in your vein that they draw blood from every 15 minutes, serve three small meals a day, and require you to stand on one foot. Really, it is not so bad though. They have 20 T.V.'s, a ping pong table, foos ball table, pool table, pay phone, water dispenser, tons of board games, internet, 6 couches, and clocks that all coordinate. I think that if I were to learn about a study that would cause me to have to stay more then 2 days there I would tell them, "Only if you pay me a bunch, and I can have two pillows." We lucked out on our stay, the NCAA Tournament was starting while we were locked up. So we watched basketball from 12 noon until 12 midnight. Breaking only to pee in a jug, eat and give blood. Between March madness upsets, I would take on Jay in ping pong, and loose severely. This caused me to play Chris who I lost to barely, leaving me to only play this old lady that kept telling me that she loves puzzles, and she has seven grand kids. I beat her 21 - 0. They had a DVD player there but I never got to watch any of the movies I brought. (advertisement - Netflix is a great money making opportunity-just sign up for it and they will make much more money, but you will have unlimited rentals.) I brought some Netflix movies with me, one being The Office: Special. I have watched Season one and two over the past month and it has been about my favorite show ever, minus Duck Tales and Baywatch. It is British humor which makes it funny on its own but the characters are all great. It had a nice sappy happy ending so I am at a loss of something amusing to say about it right now. I am still clearing my eyes. But I recommend renting it. Do be warned that there is some language that is not appropriate for parents, grandmothers, children under 23, priests or easily confused people. If you ever watch it all, I am still waiting for something like the ending to happen to me. I guess another movie update I have is I watched The Incredibles, and thought it was good, not to boast but I saw a lot of me in every character in the film. I'm not saying I'm incredible I'm just saying that, maybe little bits and parts of me are, and I saw that in the film. I am kidding of course and tired. So I'm off, until next time.

Bingo Blotters and Mail Tales

Well it has been a while since a wrote, which must be obvious from my corny title. But anyways, I want to tell you that I played a bit of Bingo last night. Not some cheap online version, not some picture Bingo on a road trip, but real Bingo. Do you know why I knew it was real Bingo? It was because there were over twenty people that were at least 100 years old, it was played at a place called Knights of Columbus, whose founders still work there and make up most of the people over 100, and there was a huge electronic bingo board that said "Real Bingo." A few celebrity Bingo players were in attendance as well. The lady that sat next to us, who was from The Nursing Home State, had just won $7,500.00 at the Florida Bingo Championships the month before. Amazing. She said there was over 3,500 people playing in that arena, which is triple the amount of an average WNBA game. We had a strong 350 participants playing, though I think a couple passed away while during the games. But that didn't stop them from playing. Amazing. I don't know if you know Bingo lingo, but they have what you call a blotter that helps you play the game. In stead of using a pencil of a crayola to mark the numbers on your card you can use this blotter. It is basically a shoe polish looking container that dobs out different color ink. They are boring to tell the truth, that is why people, that must have nothing to do, create cute bags to carry all there dobbers and bingo supplies. A normal bingo bag consists of at least 8 dobbers(in pouches lining the outside of the bag), beet sandwiches, Diet Rite, extra hearing-aid batteries, copies of past winning cards, a seat cushion with a bingo numbers design, an empty container for teeth, and a gun. One lady even had a knitted hand that would exstend futher up then her own which had bells on the fingers and Bingo spelled across the palm with yarn. Amazing. I have been to Spurs games that have not had as much tension in the air, as a packed Bingo hall. I think I read on www.theonion.com that Bingo may be in the next Goodwill games, to take the place of gymnastics. I am sure you are wondering, "Well, Kevin how did you do?" I will tell you, I never even came close to winning. I got beat every time. I am going to keep my head up though and maybe after another year of dedication, I will be at the Bingo Championships next year going toe to toe, against the best in the sport, that is if they are still around. Amazing.

I want to take a second and acknowledge a great lady that I have been seeing almost every night for the past 4 years. Her name is Peggy and she works at the busiest and most efficient post office in North America. She has been working there for over 60 years and she is only 39. She is directly responsible for all postage increases, and has a hand in all mail that does not make it to its destination on time. Just Kidding. But she has put up with questions about that for so long she is moving to the back of the main post office, where she will sit on a thrown and throw darts at people that are slacking, and reading your People magazine before you get it. I have been taking mail to her and the others there for 4 years and it will not be the same to stand in line for 3 hours a night and not see Peggy. So here's to Peggy and her new relocation, and may she have another speedy replacement!

Until next time.

Scuba Pictures and King Ranch

As I have thoroughly explained, I am a professional scuba diver now and demand respect. The pictures below are from my journey to Australia with my friend Jay. He was very disappointed about the whole trip because he learned that his cellular phone did not have coverage underwater. He pulled through though and we had a great time on our two day two night scuba dive adventure. We met some interstice people most of which I have already forgotten completely. We had several near death experiences (shark attacks, pirates, and sea sickness) but came out better people in the end. I'll never eat another fish with out thinking first about how sweet and innocent they look. Except that one I jabbed with a spear and carried around like a Kings scepter. I really did have a great time on this dive adventure, and I am eager to go on many more. Problem is it tend to cost money. So I will have to continue to just swim around the pool with a snorkel on, and pretend diving rings are fish. Enjoy the pictures.

I need to share some breaking news with you as well. I am going to add master chief to my non existent resume, for I made with my own hands (I just remembered I didn't wash them first) King Ranch Casserole. I got the recipe from my good friend Leigh Hicks, who I've known since before I have had grey hair, or 8, I can't remember what came first. She has had the recipe in her family for well over 3 months. So I am honored that she gave it to me. I don't mean to brag, but it was kind of good. I'm kidding it was great. Minus the chicken being a bit pink and me misreading 12 cups of cream of mushroom instead of 1, it was fabulous. I think two of you know me well, and the others have probably hear in the news that I don't cook. I think the extent of my cooking usually involves reheating pizza. I can however make any kind of cereal, and I think it is safe to say I am very good at that. Come to think of it I am good at making Pop-Tarts as well. But now I can add King Ranch to this list. Who knows, I might be the next Emeril. Have a good day. Until next time

In case you didn't believe me when I shared with you about using the sink, the shower and the toliet at the same time. Here is proof how small the latrine really was.
Pics by Boris

Well here is the Great Barrier Reef. Home of 500 miles of coral, thousands of kinds of fish, 10 kinds of deadly sharks and Jay and I's first scuba dive in water over waist deep.
Pics by Boris

Here is a distant picture of our boat. I let Jay do the navigating after this dive. It took us 2 hours to swim back to the boat.
Pics by Boris

I sent this picture to an auction when I got back and made a bunch of money. Somthing like 1,000 pennies.
Pics by Boris

This is a whole underwater hillside of eels slithering about. It just looks like coral in a still picture.
Pics by Boris

The bathrooms on the ship broke so at night this was the only option. Kidding. This is acctually during a night dive we did. Notice the complete absence of light.
Pics by Boris

Well kids heres Nemo. He was hard to find, but the giant clam gave us directions and it was great, as you can see. I did poke him with a stick and he swam off but he was nice enouph to smile for the camera.
Pics by Boris

We followed this turtle around until a huge shark came and bit its head off, right in front of us. I was so shocked I forgot to take a picture, but I sure am that shark liked turtle more then studly humans.
Pics by Boris

This is clam as you know. What you don't know is that I carved my initials on the side of it.
Pics by Boris